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10. Steve Irwin in the Realms

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#1 Weyoun

Posted 05 January 2003 - 07:11 PM

Writer's comment : Well, I got this silly idea during my recent trip to the middle of the forest in Finland. I hope it's both, ahum, educational and fun...

Okay, still reading? :) Anyway, I hope you'll like it. I happen to be a big fan too. :oops:

Steve Irwin in the Realms

*scene : A wild jungle on the island of Chult. A smiling, brown-haired man wearing a beige shirt and beige shorts lowers himself from a vine*

Steve: Crocodile Hunter here, laive in the wilds of the Forgotten Realms, searching for some of the waildest and dangerous creatures in this waild and wonderful piece of naiture and... oh, it looks laike we're in luck!

*A stirge flies by and Steve just 'yoinks' it out of the air, and holds the giant mosquito-like creature against his chest, coiling on arm around the stirge's chest, the other hand holding the long pointy stinger on its face.*

Steve: Easy there, mate! Now, these stirges are bat-laike creatures that drink the blood of their victims with their long stinger, and just look at these four small, pincer-laike legs that they use to grab ya and clamp onto the necks of their victims. *The Stirge flaps its leathery wings to get away, but Steve's grasp is resolute*
Stirges have an incredible sense of smell, they can see in the dark, and sense heat sources within 200 feet. When a stirge has gorged itself by draining blood, it sleeps for one whole day, but it seems this one is still hungry, so don't muck with it... Alright, mate. I'll let you go now...

*Steve releases the angry Stirge, but it turns and attacks. Steve quickly ducks and the stirge shoots over his head, crashing into an unrelenting tree behind him. The stirge buzzes one more time and then slowly slides down the trunk*

Steve: Beautiful animal.

*Another jungle-scene. A winged serpent flies by lazily, when suddenly, a hand bursts from the bushes and grasps the creature by the tale.*

Steve: Wooo, crickey! Now, take a look at this beaut. This is a Winged Serpent, very important to the jungle ecology, since they transport pollen from fruit tree to fruit tree and help with the distribution of seeds throughout the jungle. *The serpent struggles but Steve is unrelenting...* Now, these winged serpents must eat more or less non-stop in order to survive. They fly about the jungle searching for tropical fruits, like this mango... A winged serpent will fly up to one and inject it with corrosive venom, which is also very nasty stuff you don't want to get on your hands. *The serpent spits but Steve grabs it behind the mouth* Easy there, mate! As adults, they have no natural enemies, except for humans. Nobles like to have these poor animals for pets and are prone to mistreatment. Luckily for them, their poison becomes useless after exposure to air, and their hide is too thin to serve as leather, so they are usually left alone... There you go, mate!

*Steve releases the snake. The Winged Serpent is launched like a stretched rubberband and shoots through the underbrush*

Steve: Beautiful animal... I love reptailes.

*The scene : A graveyard. An undead skeletal creature with an impossibly long tongue slowly breaks through the surface of a freshly dug grave. As the creature slowly tries to survey its surrounds, a human jumps from the back of the gravestone and pushes the skeleton against a dead tree. Placing his boot against its back to keep it in place, Steve holds the tongue with both hands*

Steve: Look what we have here! One of Toril's notorious 'undead' creatures, though I prefer to descraibe them as 'less living' creatures. *the skeleton snarls, but Steve has it in place* Wooo! This is a Morgh, basically the undead manifestaition of a cowardly maiser, which seems to be havin' trouble letting go of the physical world. Wooo! This is a waild one. Now, it thinks I'm trying to kill it, but I'm just trying to show its beauty to the world!

Morgh: *snarls through its yellow teeth as his disgustingly long tongue drips with saliva*

Steve: Just taike a look at that marvellously big tongue that's wrapped all around his rib-caige. Now, he can attack people from over a distance of fifteen feet. Okay, there you go, mate!

*Steve releases the Morgh, which immediately attacks Steve. Our crocodile hunter dodges, and the Morgh tongue connects with a gravestone over a freshly dug, open grave. The hapless Morgh topples into the grave and is crushed by the falling gravestone.*

Steve: Beautiful creature, innit?

*Scene: Organic beholder caverns. A Lensman worker passes quietly, minding his own business, when suddenly, a human jumps from the upper caverns and lands on top of it. The beholder struggles and an enormous fight follows, but the Beholder is finally forced to admit defeat and hangs in the air.*

Steve: Here we are in the beholder caverns near Ust Natha. This little floating beauty here is a Lensman, baisically the worker drone of a beholder-haive. Now, as you can see, it has one eye set in the chest of its five-limbed body, which kinda looks laike a walking starfish on land. Just look under these eyes! Now, lensman are the only Beholders who actually have hands. Look there, three-fingers, two-thumbed, clawed hands, there? Great, innit? Now, these creatures are semi-maindless and need to be controlled by that overseer deeper in the caive...

*Steve lets go of the Lensman, which flees immediately. Then, Steve steps deeper into the cave and sits in the center of the cavern...*

Steve: Wooo! Now, this is a real marvel. Just look at that Overseer, that fleshy tree with thirteen limbs and those three mouths at the spine. Isn't it wonderful? Now, each and everyone of those limbs haides a bud with a single eye, but there are still seperate functions for all these limbs. Eight are thorny and can grasp all kainds of tools. Now, this creature lives in symbiosis with a fungus which allows the Overseerer to chainge color to suit the envairoment... Now, let see if we can sneak in and taike a look at some more beholders...

*Steve steps into a deeper cavern and immediately runs out again while being chased by five Elder Orbs and a Hive Mother*

Steve: Ooops, It seems the beholders are very iffy during mating-season. Beautiful creatures... But don't muck with them!

*Scene : A dragon's lair in the marching mountains, Steve just waltzes in*

Steve: Now, 'ere we've arraived at the most impressive and beautiful creatures in all the Realms. I'm talking about the red dragon.

Arokh: *sniffs* Hey, who's there?

Steve : Crickey! Just taike a look at that gigantic muscular body and that impressive red hue. Just imagine how big that wing-span is, when it unfolds his massive wings.

Arokh: Who the HELL are you?!

Steve: Now, this creature can swallow a whole herd of cows and still be hungry afterwards! This massive red hulk sleeps on a pile of gold and treasure, and just imagine how much gold is needed to keep this massive specimen warm, ey?

Arokh: Don't let me catch you stealing gems without asking first!

Steve: And just look at this massive row of teeth. Imagine these HUGE ivory beauts grinding your body to a pulp.

Arokh: Get those dirty shoes out of my mouth! Dragons DO have sensitive tongues, you know?!

Steve: Now, adventure-seekers laike to hunt down these creatures for their hides, their gold or a good trophy on the wall. Such a sad thing. If we do not protect these beautiful animals, there won't be anymore dragons for our children to look at when they soar over the villages high up into the sky. These poor misunderstood creatures have been known to eat humans, but...

Arohk: HEY! I've have you know I've haven't been eating anything more intelligent than beef! And I can't stress enough that I PAID for those! Errr, well, there WAS that extremely fanatical paladin, but I think I've done the world a favor by eating him. He still left a very bad aftertaste...

Steve: Taike a look at this huge tail! *Steve starts pulling at the tip. At this time, Arokh has had enough and breathes a low flame, letting Steve know gently, but forcefully that it is time to depart.*

Steve: *while he emerges from the lair* Beautiful animal... Well, this concludes this episode, and I hope to catch you next week, when we will be Balor hunting in the Abyss. See ya then!
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!


"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi

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