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5. It's a story about nothing!

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#1 Weyoun

Posted 05 January 2003 - 07:07 PM

Writer's comment : Well, this was this crazy thing I wrote for Luned's quiz! A Bg2/Seinfeld crossover... I was feeling insane, that day... :) Again, this is only posted because I can delete stories on the new board. :oops:

It's a story about nothing!

Scene 1 : Comedy club

Viconia : Have you even noticed a starving man standing in front of a vending machine with a only one crumpled dollar in his hands. First the poor guy is just standing there simply staring like a candy-crazed zombie *widens eyes and rolls them around*

Viconia : *low voice* 'Oh, crispies, those are good... But then again, there's that snickers bar. Hmmm I can only get one snickers bar for a buck, but two bags of gum for the same price... That red stuff, what's that? Hmmm, can I afford trying something new? What if it's not good?'

Viconia : *normal voice* So when the guy finally makes up his mind and shoves the dollar up the slot, the machine spits it out again! This is the most terrifying moment in a man's life... So he continues to try to punch the same crumpled dollar-bill into the machine again... *low voice* 'Cause this time the machine will take it... Okay, one more time... This time's the carm'

Viconia : Then eventually comes the begging state... *low voice* 'Come on! Take it! It's money! I'm hungry...' *normal* In fact, I think more men plead to vending machines than their girlfriends during a break up... *low voice* 'Break-up, sure fine, never see me again, that's nice...BUT I JUST WANT MY CANDY'

Scene 2 : Restaurant.

The scene opens with Viconia passionately kissing a male Drow. A waiter jumps and scrapes his throat... The two Drow sheepishly breaks apart as the waiter puts down their soup.

Viconia : *thinks* Tonight's the night... It's finally gonna happen.

Vorn : *sheepish* Well, we'd better get started on our soup then...

Viconia : Yeah. *grins* Want some crackers? *opens them up the complementary packet*

Vorn : *dismayed* Crackers?

Viconia : Yeah. Crackers… *crumples it up and drops it in her soup*

Vorn : *disgusted* Why would I want crackers in my soup?

Viconia : I think it adds a little flavor. *eats spoonful and crunches it in her mouth*

Vorn : *almost vomits* Ugh!! That is disgusting... *gets up* I've lost my apitite... I'll call you tomorrow. *speeds off*

Viconia : WAIT! Where are you going?!

SceneScene 3 : Coffee-shop

Haer'Dalis : Yep, you screwed up big time...

Viconia : C'mon. Everybody likes crackers in their soup!

Mazzy : *adjusts glasses* Ya mean to say, he left you standing because of the crackers?

Haer'Dalis : Sounds like this guy is a "food-judger"...

Mazzy : *dazed* A what?

Haer'Dalis : You know, the kind of man that looks closely at what a woman eats and judges the worth of the relationship from that her current diet?

Mazzy : There are men that do that?

Viconia : *annoyed* Apparently there are... And they get really disgusted if their dates eats food they don't like themselves.

Mazzy : *snorts* So you've been dumped because of a cracker!

Viconia : Oh, sure laugh it up. *sarcastically* I'm sure those grapefruits on toast that you will attract a lot of men...

Mazzy : *indignant* HEY! Mister Steinbrenner eats them all the time.

Haer'Dalis : Speaking of which, aren't you supposed to be at work?

Mazzy : Nah, someone will cover for me... I don't even know what I'm doing most of the time.

Viconia : *sarcastically* And they wonder why the Yankees are doing so bad in the world series...

Haer'Dalis : Why are you staying with this man, anyway?

Viconia : *annoyed* Have you seen him? He's a swimsuit-model! And last night I came this close to actually sleeping with him!

Haer'Dalis : Ah, here we go...

Viconia : I'm not giving up yet! It's been way to long since I've been intimate with anyone, and I'm not quitting now. It would be like running the 500 feet dash and giving up at the 495th foot. You wanna run those last five feet! After that I can throw out "food-judging" males out on their asses as much as I please...

Mazzy : I remember it was quite good, but my hair was a lot shorter the last time I slept with somebody...

Viconia : *sarcastically* yeah, sure... I gotta run now, I want to see the new vending machine they are placing in the hall of my building.

Haer'Dalis : Your apartment is getting a new vending machine? How neat!

Viconia : This new vending machine is neat. It arrives in an hour and it's supposed to be the vending machine of all vending machines! *walks out the door* CYA!

Mazzy : How about that...

Haer'Dalis : How about this. It's something I've been working on for the J.Peterman catalog. *scrapes throat* I hold my loved one, cut down by the beast,
while the balors surround us, intend on taking our lives,
A whisper in your ear, words of comfort to relief the fear,
The balor approaches, and swipes with his claw,
It is a good thing, I am wearing my NYPD power-armoured vest,
now on sale at J.Peterman for half price...

Mazzy : *thinks* Eh... Needs work.

Scene four : Viconia's appartment.

Viconia enters her appartment and is horified to find half of her furniture moved and her floor covered with pizzaboxes (unfortunately filled) leaking warm cheese on the floor, curtousy of her nextdoor neighbor

Viconia : *stunned* What? What is all this!

Imoen : *cheerful* Heya, buddy!

Viconia : *growls* You have ten seconds to explain...

Imoen : Oh, come on... There's a new vending machine coming today and the best way breaking one in is with a snack'n vid-fest!

Viconia : *sarcastically* Oh, help me Rhonda...

Imoen : It's just common sense, buddy. One of them laws of the universe...

Viconia : *exasperated* I just don't see why you can't do things like this in your own appartment!

Imoen : *stares blankly*

Viconia : *sighs* Sorry I asked...

Someone knocks on the door. Viconia opens the and and reveals a lithe drow female with a permanent scowl on her face. The two Drow females stare each other down for a couple of moments, then :

Viconia : *growls* Hello, Phaere...

Phaere : *matter-of-factly* Viconia... *walks right past her!!* Hey, Imoen! It's here!

Imoen : *excited* What's it like? What's it like?

Phaere : Heaven on four legs! 70 types of candy and even cooked hot-dogs and a musterd dispenser!

Imoen : OHHH YEAHHHHH!! *thinks* Did you bring the vids?

Phaere : Hell, yes... All the classics *rummages in pack* Return of the killer tomatoes, Death Wish 7, The Texas chainsaw-massacre four, Ernest gets a liver-transplant and Porkchop II!

Phaere & Imoen together : THE REVENGE!!

Viconia : *Runs hands through hair...* I've got Vorn coming over in a couple of hours!! "Rochelle, Rochelle" is on the tube and we're planning on watching it to get in the mood!

Imoen : *slyly* Oh, the big night, eh? *winks* Well, don't worry! You can use my appartment! Go ahead, it ain't locked.

Viconia : Who would want to set foot in your den of evil?! *disgustedly* Well, I don't have enough time to clean up here anyway.

Phaere : *interrupts* Hey, Immy! I'll race you to the candy-machine! One the count of three! One... *dashes off immediately with Imoen in hot persuit.*

Scene 5 : An hour later, the lobby of Viconia's building. Mazzy is trying to get a Twix from the machine...

Mazzy : *Struggling with machine* Come on!!!

Mazzy : *Talking to the machine* Just take the buck!

Mazzy : *bangs machine* It's a brand new bill!

Mazzy : *angrily* You think I'm lying, don't you?

Mazzy : *fumes* Oh, I bet you think I'm short too.

Mazzy : *frustated and bangs machine again* You're probably even singing "Short people have no reason to live" in your coin-collecting brain!

Phaere walks up from behind her and startles Mazzy with a mockingly sweet voice...

Phaere : Problem? *giggles mockingly* Step aside, let a pro handle this. *cracks fingers and shoves a very, very crumpled dollar bill into the machine, presses a few buttons*

Mazzy : *surprized* How the hell did you do that? My bill is newer than yours was!

Phaere : *giggles and presses the last button*

A candybar rolls out of the machine, which Phaere quickly munches on...

Mazzy : *enraged* NO! That was the last TWIX!!!

Phaere : Oh there are plenty of snickers bars left... *laughs mockingly and walks back upstairs to the movies*

Mazzy : *indignantly yells after her* Oh, no... no, no, no. Twix is the only candy-bar with the cookie-crunch! *sighs and puts another fresh and crispy dollar-bill into the machine, which is promptly rejected.* DAMMIT!!

Scene 6 : Kra... (ooops) Imoen's appartment.

Mazzy : A vid-fest?

Viconia : Yeah, the idiot patrol has beseiged my appartment...

Mazzy : *thinks* So is this a local custom, or what? Something like tossing a virgin in a volcano in the tropics. *ponders* Do they still do that? For the tourists, I mean...

Viconia : You know, I haven't even seen thank new vending machine yet?

Mazzy : I mean, inhaling all that molten rock can't be healthy, can it?

Viconia : You haven't heard a word I said, didn't you? *walks out of the room and heads to the vending-machine.*

Mazzy : Unless they're wearing some kind of asbestos in their grass skirts... Hey, Vic where are you?

Scene 7 : Lobby.

Viconia walks towards the vending machine, but finds Imoen pounding on it...

Viconia : *confused* Hey, what are you doing!

Imoen : My chips are stuck! I've put in five bucks and all five bags of chips are sticking to each other in front of the machine.

Viconia : Well, see that Chocolate bar on the top there?

Imoen : *licks lips* Oh, momma!!!

Viconia : Look at that! It's so heavy! If you buy that, maybe when it falls it'll knock the chips down.

Imoen : Wow, that's a master-plan, buddy!

Imoen throws two qwarters into the machine, the candy bar drops and falls on top of the stuck chips, without knocking it down. In the mean time, Mazzy comes down the stairs...

Imoen : *pouts* Oh, now the candy bar is on top of the chips. *sarcastically* Great idea, Vic!

Viconia : *sighs* You're the one who agreed to it. Besides it was only fifty cents.

Mazzy : Why don't you shake the machine a little?

Imoen : I've tried shaking it! It didn't help!!

Man : Excuse me, I would like to use the machine...

Imoen : NO!! *blocks machine* No one is getting near this machine until I get my chips and chocolate bar!!

Imoen starts shaking the machine hysterically. She when she realizes its not helping. She then knocks her shoulder against the glass...

Imoen : *angry* Come on! The movies are running!!

Viconia : Can't you use the pause-button on MY VCR?

Imoen : *sighs*Phaere won't let me. She says it ruins the atmos!!

Viconia : *glances* There's Vorn! See ya later, guys...

Scene 8 : Imoen's appartment an hour later.

Viconia : Well , the movie is starting... *thinks* Alright, no screw-ups now, tonight's the night!

Vorn : Yeah... *questioning tone* Why don't you get us some crisps...

Viconia : Ummm. *tries to avoid the "food-judging"* Well, I'm not really that hungry...

Vorn : *cheerfully* Nonsense! *scrutinizing* And only YOU know what you like...

Viconia : *stammering, realizing the trap* oh, oh... Ummm... I'll just pop down to the candy-machine then.

Scene 9 : Lobby

Imoen is carefully guarding the machine waiting for the candy to fall. She has set up a tent and has a small gasfire burning to warm herself.

Viconia : *baffled* Imoen, what is this?!

Imoen : Heya, buddy... *cheerful* I'm gonna wait this one out... That candy has gotta fall, sometimes... In the meantime I'm keeping everyone away from the machine...

Viconia : *desparate* But, I need to use the machine! Vorn is waiting for me upstairs! I have to make the right decision, he's judging me!

Imoen : *adament* Can't help you, buddy. You see, I've been rattling that machine so long, I've almost knocked the bag of chips back in their sockets! The slightest jarring and *whooop* it's like they never fell!!

Viconia : *tries to push Imoen aside...*

Imoen : *yells* Oy, oy, oy! Not a chance... There's a smaller vending machine at the coffeeshop.

Viconia : But... But... It's almost empty this time of day.

Imoen : Sorry, buddy... *sheepish*

Viconia : *Through clenched teeth* Alright!!!

Scene 10 : Imoen's appartment

Viconia : *pants from running to the coffeeshop and back* I've got some snacks...

Vorn : *icily* A bag of nuts?!

Viconia : *exasperated* But... But... It was the only thing they had left...

Vorn : I don't think we should see each other any more...

Viconia : What... Just because I come in with a bag of nuts, you think I'm crazy?!

Vorn : Well, they are cashew-nuts...

Viconia : *admits* Well, yeah but... *realizes she can't win and tries to go out with style* I had a dream! That we lived in a world, where a woman is not judged by the food on her plate... Where our children can run wild and free... Where we can walk into a dentist's office without the need for an appointment...

Vorn : *sighs* You really ARE insane. *walks out the door*

Viconia : *dramatic over-acting* I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!

As soon as she realizes Vorn is gone forever, Viconia sinks in her chair...

Viconia : *whimpers* I really wanted to have sex... *opens bag of nuts and pops a few in her mouth. Then she realizes there are crappy movies playing in her appartment and she gets up*

Viconia : Hey, Phaere, scoot over...

Scene 11 : In front of Viconia's building

Haer'Dalis was across the street and sees a couple of police cruisers and a group of nosey gawkers watching the spectacle...

Haer'Dalis : *curious* What's going on?

Woman : The cops just arrested a pink-haired hipster doofus for destroying a vending machine...

Two cops burst out of the front-doro and are dragging a struggling Imoen to the car...

Imoen : *shouts* But I still haven't gotten my chips! I want my chips!!

Haer'Dalis sighs and walks back to his own appartment.


Well, I gender switched most Seinfeld characters and merged their chars with those of Bg2. The result was kinda weird, I guess. But I hope you liked it anyway! :oops:
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!


"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi

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