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3. Ust Natha meets Springfield

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#1 Weyoun

Posted 05 January 2003 - 07:03 PM

Writer's comment : At the time, this is by far the most insane story I have ever written... I blame the heat at the time, and the only reason I'm posting this here is because I can delete the story on the new boards if I get too embarrassed. :) It's a cross-over and it's written in script form. It was more appropriate, I think...

Well, here goes... Hope you like it. (though I doubt it)

SCENE : UST NATHA : Western Gate. Two Drow priestesses are waiting...

Qilue : Now, I don't want any violance of killing from you. Have you instructed everyone in the city to stay their hand, child?

Tezra : *sighs* Yes, Matron Mother. I know the city has been suffering ever since the fall of both house Despana and House Jealat, but... Tourists?! Can things really be that bad?

Qilue : The city's coffers are empty, child. The war with the surface-scum has cost us dearly. Building up a tourist industry is a logical step. Besides, we'll try it out on one family and it's only for the weekend. Oh, wait, here they come... *forces smile*

Female Voice : Was it really necessary for them to shoot arrows at our car?

Male Voice : Geez, Marge! How should I know what those poiny-eared geeks are thinking?!

Girl Voice : Look mom, I've got a genuine Elven Arrow-head!

Female Voice : That's nice, dear.

Boy Voice : It's probably because you drove right through their campsite, Home-boy.

Male Voice : Hey, there's pleny of woods around here. Of course they just have to camp, where I'm driving...

Girl Voice : Hey, where's Grampa? I haven't seen him since we asked directions in that city...


Jan : So that's how Cousin Jacob escaped the thundering umberhulks, but was sadly eaten by a flock of griffins which was waiting around the corner...

Abe : That reminds of a story about a guy named Jacob I met during World War One... We spent a whole month behind enemy lines, because the Kaiser had stolen his stamp collection. But it wasn't just any stamp collection, mind you! It had yellow ones, purple ones, and commemorative stamps of Texas winning the Civil war, it did! So we stole a plane from Charles Linburgh when he was on the can, and flew it aaaaalllll the way to Berlin, where we skydived into the Kaiser's bedroom. We didn't find the stamps, but we had a nice dance with his wife, before we walked back to the trenches. I still have the blisters to prove it...

Jan : Ah, well that reminds me of my aunt Toby (who had a bit of an identity crisis going on!). She or he, depending on your point of view, once stole the spell-book of an important. Thayvian wizard. Off course the red-robed freak wasn't very happy about that and hired some mercanaries to...

Abe : *interrupts* Actually, that reminds me of another funny story... Well, it's not so much as funny as it is long... You see...
The two priestess cringed when they saw their guests more clearly... A fat, balding human male, a human woman with rediculously large blue hair, a mischieveous looking spikey-haired human boy, an intelligent looking girl (somehow, she seemed to be the most normal) and a small star-fish shaped baby...

Tezra : *whispers* What's up with the hair?

Qilue : *whispers hashly* Shut up, and keep smiling!

Qilue : *clears throat* Hello and welcome to Ust Natha. I am Qilue Ti'Kernozz, First Matron of this fair city. Might I presume you are the Simpson-family?

Homer : *laughs hysterically* Look at them! Their hair's all white!

Tezra : *angrily* That's it! You die! *gets prodded in ribs by Qilue* I mean... Welcome!

Marge : HOMER!! *to Qilue* I'm really very sorry about my husband. He never behaves on vacations *grunts angrily*

Qilue : *calmy, but trough clenched teeth*. That's quite alright... We have reserved rooms at the inn for you.

Lisa : This is gonna be the best vacation ever, dad! We're going to be living in another culture and we'll learn their quaint, different ways!

Homer : That's nice, Lisa. But only if there's beer and TV!

Tezra : *confused* Tea--Vea?

Homer : *crossed arms and looks sternly* I'll pretend I didn't hear that!

Tezra : *outraged* I only asked you what...

Homer : I said I'll pretend I didn't hear that!!

Qilue : *punches Tezra in the ribs again* Moving on! We'll show you to your rooms.

Bart : *gets out slingshot* I'm gonna shoot rocks at the Mindflayers...


SCENE : UST NATHA INN. Marge is standing alongside Qilue and Tezra with Lisa and Maggie... Homer and Bart have run ahead to call the beds in their rooms...

Marge : Well, this place is so big! Our whole house could fit in here!

Homer : *Shouts from the stairs* HEY MARGE, LOOK HOW LOUD I HAVE TO YELL!!

The Drow in the inn grumble at being disturbed by the loud-mouth human, but a stern look from Qilue silences them. Meanwhile, Bart is already finding the best position to fire his slingshot...

Qilue : Marge, we Drow have only few laws here. But the one you have to remember is to never, ever kill a spider. We consider them to be holy animals...

Lisa : Oh, interesting. Like the holy cows in India!

Tezra : *laughs* Holy COWS?! That's just silly!

Qilue : Quite. Just don't kill them...

Tezra : *gleefully* If you do, we get to carve out your hearts with a blunt knife...

Marge : *shares a look with Lisa* Well, we will repect your laws, of course, but it seems so unwholesome. *grunts angrily*

As the group enter the room, both priestesses inhale sharply in shock.

Homer : *Beating around a giant spider with a shovel* Take THAT, you stupid bug. You go squish now!

Both priestesses stare blankly, while Marge and Lisa try to stop Homer

Marge : *stands behind Homer* HOMER! NO! It's against the law!

Lisa : Besides, they will sacrifice us, if you kill that spider... *giggles nervously*

Homer : *Stares Blankly* You stupid spider! *starts beating the spider again with the shovel*

As Marge and Lisa try to grab the shovel away from Homer, another spider enters the room, being ridden by baby Maggie...


Homer : Hey, Vorn... Gimme another one of those Streea's! *fades out* Hmmmm... Streea...

Homer : You know, this place kinda reminds me of Moe's.

Vorn : Shut up and buy another beer, or you're out on your ass!!

Drow Barfly : *Belch*

Homer looks down into the fighting pit, where a drow male is being pounded on by an angry Umberhulk...

Homer : *Laughs* It's funny, cause I don't know him...


Drow pit-master : And the winner! LASAONAR!!

Homer : *shouts at Lasaonar* D'OH! You've just cost me fifty bucks! YOU STINK, jerk-wad!

Drow pit-master : *smiles* Well, it seems we have a challenger. You may step into the ring, human.... Human? *Looks around* Hey, where'd he go?

Homer : *Runs back to the pit-master* Forgot my Streea! *runs off again*


Homer : *desperately talking to a Drow cook and holding a piece of plastic wrapping with a label on it* DO-NUT! Make me a DO-NUT!

Drow Cook : *Hurls a few Drow obscenities at Homer and walks off*

Homer : So you talk that crazy lingo 24-7, eh?

Marge : *carrying a box* Homey, I remembered to bring a whole box with me, in case we couldn't buy any donuts here.

Homer : Oh, Marge! *takes the box and stuffs a couple of Donuts in his mouth* I love you! *sly* Hey, whaddaya say we check out one of those lust-chambers, eh? Rrrrrrooowwwwwllllll

Marge : *giggles*


Homer : *Giggles hysterically, while pressing the button again*

Bart : Hey, Homer. Mom wants you to come to the temple with the rest of us...

Homer : Just a second, Bart! I've found this cool ride. See, you press the button, and than a crazy robot walks up and explodes!

Bart : Oh, yeah! Wow, he looks so real!

Homer : The Drow have really outdone us, boy. Like with those tiny cars they build and those walkman-thingies...

Marge : *Shouting from downstairs* BART, HOMER!!

Homer : *follows Bart to the stairs, then runs back and presses the button one more time* HiHi!

Tezra is standing at the altar, with a human man strapped onto it. The temple is filled with members of noble families. The Simpsons are standing in the back of the temple. Homer has a soda and is drinking it through a straw. Qilue is standing next to Homer.

Lisa : *excited* Wow, an actual Drow religious ceremony and we'll get to see it.

Marge : *worried* I don't know, Lisa. This looks kinda unwholesome...

Lisa : *sternly* Remember, mom. We cannot judge other cultures based on our own. That's unethical.

Qilue : This is the temple where we worship the Spider Queen...

Homer : *breaks in* You've got a what, now?

Qilue : *sighs, and gets a little angry* Spider Queen...

Homer : *thinks a moment* Spider Queen, eh? Who is she? Some kinda Queen of Spiders?

Qilue : *sighs, and seems a little tired* Yes...

As the ceremony continues, homer's soda goes empty. A loud slurping sound echoes through the temple...

Tezra : *calls from altar* Will the disgusting Rivvil please put down that soda...

Homer : *points* She means you, Marge!

Marge : *Groans angrily*

The cermony continues again. Just as Tezra is about to plunge the dagger into the human's chest, Homer chooses that exact time to take a picture, effectively blinding everyone in the room with the flash.

Qilue : *Snarls and grabs the camera* NO FLASHING!!

Homer : *sadly* But it was a Kodak-moment...

The ceremony continues, notheless. The human is sacrificed and Tezra pulls a beating heart from it's chest...

Bart : *awed* COOOOOLLLLL. Mom, I'm changing religion!!!

Marge : *shocked* Bart, NO! How would you feel if someone you know ends up on that altar. *to Homer* Homer, homer! Say something!

Homer : *Too busy laughing when imagining Ned Flanders screaming on the altar*

The Simpsons are getting ready to leave and are gathering at the city-gates. Bart, however, wants to do one more thing before leaving. He grabs his skateboard, goes to the highest spire and rolls down...

Bart : Woohoo!!

Suddenly, Homer, who was sent to get Bart, comes around the corner...

Bart : Homer, get your big fat butt out of the way!

Homer : *Screams, jumps aside and almost falls down, dropping his donut over the edge* D'OH! My last donut!

The donut falls down and down and lands on top of Qilue's head with a squishy crash! As the warm filling spills over her head and runs down her face, Qilue is getting angrier and angrier. When her Whip of Fangs starts to lick the filling off her face, she finally cracks and runs to the gate.


Tezra : *holds Qilue back* Come now, Matron Mother. *giggles* Be nice!! *laughs* They're our guests!! *doubled over*

Lisa : We've crushed her hardened Drow heart with our antics. We should have respected their culture more...

Marge : *nervous* I think we've overstayed our welcome here, Homey...

Homer : Let's just get back to the car. *perks up* I remember leaving another donut under the seat.

Marge : *while walking back to the car* Well, kids. How about a stay at Suldenesselar next weekend?

Homer : *pleads* But, Marge! It's the superbowl next week!

Meanwhile, Tezra takes Qilue back to her House for some rest. Once in her quarters, she grabs the little portable TV Bart gave her...

Krusty the Clown : HEY, HEY Kids! *laughs* It's time for today's ten-hour Itchy and Scratchy Marathon...

Tezra sighs happily, preparing for loads of sadistic fun...

Well, that's it... Thank you for reading this piece of garbage to the end. Comments and Criticisms are welcomed (I'm just glad rotten tomatoes can't be e-mailed!!)

If you're wondering how the simpsons got into the AD&D world... Well, it has something to do with the nuclear power plant... And if you're wondering how they can see so well in the dark... Well, that's got something to do with the nuclear power plant too!

BTW, severe apologies to Matt Groening and Dave Gaider...
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!


"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi

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