In this version, Edwin was killed at the Throne of Bhaal. Warnings: Male/male relationships, NPC death, rather angsty.
A Single Candle
It is growing late and the temple is silent, eerily so. The section occupied by my companions and I is empty, not even a priest nearby, and that is a relief. It is better like this; it gives us the freedom to openly show our feelings for our lost companion without worrying about what outsiders think.
We’re kneeling, all six of us, our heads bowed, locked quietly in our memories. A candle is flickering on the altar. A single white candle…our tribute to the wizard who meant so much to us.
Briefly I glance up, anxious to see how the others are faring. Cory is staring at the candle without really seeing it. With his pale face and his blank eyes, he looks half dead himself. Poor Cory…I believe that he is taking this almost as hard as I am. He and Edwin were very close after all. Beside him, Imoen’s shoulders are shaking and I can hear her muffled sobs. Benny gives me a very faint smile as I turn to him. This has been very hard for him, I know that he made a promise to protect Edwin long ago and now he believes that he has failed. But in his typical style, he has said nothing about his own feelings, concentrating on making sure that the rest of us are coping well.
I blame myself too. If only he hadn’t insisting on followed me for so long, if only I’d walked away at the beginning…if only we hadn’t fallen in love. I always knew that one of us could die at any time, but I never really thought that it would happen. We’ve both cheated death so many times before that I was so sure that we’d do it again, come out of this in one piece and live happily ever after. But I was a fool, that sort of thing only happens in fairy tales. Just one more battle and it would have been over. He never knew it, but I’d made the decision to give up the taint, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. That’ll never happen now…perhaps I’m being punished for all the evil things I did in my youth.
I can see now how dangerous magic really is. He was beyond resurrection, there wasn’t even enough of him to give him a decent burial. I have his ashes though, although I am not certain what I’ll do with them. He once said that if he died away from Thay, he wanted to be buried with my younger sister…two of the people I love most in my life in the same grave. We’ll be passing through Athkatla again soon, so perhaps I’ll do that.
Fours days now and I’m still not sure how I feel about it all, but it hardly matters anyway. No pointless crying, that never solved anything and it isn’t what he would have wanted. Although I wish I could bring myself to cry, maybe that’d help. Right now all I feel is anger and emptiness.
Why did you leave me, Edwin? I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you…we could have been so happy together.
“Kane?” Benny’s voice breaks into my thoughts. “Kane, I…I’m sorry.”
“It isn’t your fault.” I speak the truth; I don’t blame him in the slightest. “But why did he have to die, Benny? It isn’t fair!”
“We all have to die sometime,” Benny says quietly. “I suppose that it was just Edwin’s time to go.”
“He shouldn’t have died!” I hiss, suddenly feeling angry. “He’s so selfish! I don’t want him to be dead, I want him here with me where he belongs!”
“I know it’s hard,” my teacher puts an arm around me and I collapse against him, his embrace comforting me just a little. “I’ve been there and I know how exactly you’re feeling just now. But I promise you that it will get easier in time.”
“Will it?” The anger has faded as quickly as it appeared and now my voice just sounds shaky. “Right now, it doesn’t feel like things are ever going to get better.”
“It takes time, Kane. The most important thing is to allow yourself to grieve. Don’t be afraid to show your emotions, no one here is going to think you’re weak for it.”
I nod at his words, though I can’t bring myself to reply. Turning back to the candle, which has almost burnt out, I reach into my pocket and my fingers close around something. Edwin’s amulet, the clasp gone, several of the purple stones shattered. I can’t believe I’ve kept it for all this time, but I’m suddenly glad that I did. He didn’t really have many possessions, not towards the end anyway. Apart from the ring he gave me just before he died, to seal our love, all I have left is his spell book, an unfinished letter he was writing to his family and this broken amulet. I stare down at it blankly, seeing it and yet not seeing it. I still remember the day he finally took it off, saying that he had finished with the Red Wizards forever…just before we went to Spellhold. It seems like so long ago now, though only a few months have past since then. Every day seems like an eternity without him.
As I watch the candle flickering, twisting the broken beads between my fingers, I’m surprised to find myself thinking of Edwin’s parents. I’ve never met them, though he did speak of them a few times at the beginning. I was never keen on the idea of meeting them really, I suppose I was a little jealous that he had a family who loved him and I had no wish to be any part of it. But before he died, we had been talking of making a brief visit to Thay during our travels. He had really wanted to see his family again; he hadn’t seen them since before he met me. And now he’ll never get another chance.
I wonder briefly how they are coping with the news for they must have surely heard by now. News travels fast in these parts. Edwin was their only child and apparently they loved him very much, though he told me that his father was always rather distant. I imagine that they are as devastated as I am and I cannot help but feel some sympathy for them. I’ve lost a lover and that hurts, but at least I was able to share his last months with him. But because he died in distant lands, so far away from home, his parents are never going to get a chance to say a proper goodbye or tell him how much they love him.
They knew that he was travelling with my party when he died and they knew that he and I were lovers, Edwin told them in one of his rare letters home. I don’t doubt that they blame me for it all and I can understand that…if he hadn’t been with me, leading such a dangerous life, then he would probably still be alive now. But I refuse to feel too guilty about it, it was his choice to travel with me and it was what he wanted to do, no matter what anyone says.
I’m still not certain what I am going to do now. Part of me doesn’t want to go on without Edwin, but I know that he wouldn’t want me to just give up. Being with him, loving him; made me a better person and I don’t know if I can still be that person now that he has gone. Time will tell, I suppose. My heart is no longer in adventuring though, somehow it has lost all purpose, all meaning.
The candle burns out. Cory rises to his feet, his face serious, unsmiling. Imoen gently touches his shoulder, her face streaked with tears and he takes her hand. Viconia still has her head bowed, I think she’s crying too but I can’t be certain. Kagain is standing some distance away, watching us and gripping his axe so tightly that his knuckles are white. They are all upset, although they always had their quarrels, Edwin was their friend and they are grieving for him too.
Once more I glance down at his amulet and know what I have to do. It is time for us to make one more trip together as a group, in Edwin’s memory. We are going to Thay. It is time for me to meet Edwin’s parents face to face, to talk to them just once. I need to tell them how much I love their son, how much he loved them and how happy he was in those few months of his life. Perhaps I’ll give them his amulet, so they at least have something of his. I don’t care what they might think of me, it is something I need to do, for Edwin and for myself. And after that…we’ll just have to see how things work out.
I’ll always love you, Edwin,[i] I silently promise. [i]And I’ll never forget you and everything we shared. No matter what happens.
The candle flickers one last time and finally dies.
