If you're in trouble he will save the day
He's brave and he's fearless come what may
Without him the mission would go astray

He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
Without him life would be much grimmer
He's handsome, trim, and no-one slimmer
He will never need a zimmer

He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
More reliable than a garden trimmer
He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner
He's not bald, and his head doesn't glimmer

Master of the wit and the repartee
His command of space directives is uncanny
How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me!

Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
He's also a fantastic swimmer
And if  you play your cards right
Then he just might come round for dinner

    ---Rimmer Song, Red Dwarf season 7

"... and that is the story of how the noble Jansen clan destroyed the Sackville-Jansens by pouring cement into the hobbit-hole we lured them in. And they were never heard of again! Hah, that'll teach them for being such greedy bastards. Just in case, we mixed some griffins in the cement as well, just to be on the safe side," Jan raved.

"Fascinating," Keldorn droned as the group of four trailed through the dark caverns beyond Ust Natha's mantle caves. "OWWW!" he suddenly exclaimed.

"Did thee hit thy knee against the rock again, Keldorn?" Dynaheir said.

"Aye," Korgan chuckled. "It be a pity ye nay be 'avin' nightsight like me and Jan. Also a pity ye cannay cast sight-spells like Dyna 'ere."

"Yes," Keldorn hissed through his clenched teeth. "Thank you for reminding me of that little fact for the twentieth time now, Korgan."

"So, what's our plan?" Dynaheir asked.

"Don't worry, I've got it all worked out," Jan said.

"We need to find a way to convince the gnomes to keep on Ust Natha side, do it without bloodshed and keep the First Matron from finding out we did it without bloodshed," Keldorn said calmly.

"What?" Jan said. "What are we doing?"

"Oh, dear gods," Keldorn slapped his forehead.

"Curiosity begs to ask," Dynaheir started while she peered down a dark tunnel. "What didst thou think we were going to do?"

"Oh, the usual," Jan said. "Running around wildly like headless chickens while you listen to my fine tales. It's a good plan of action."

"Do you mean to say that you've been leading us in circles while you jabbered our ears off about your greedy relatives?!" Keldorn fumed.

"Ex-relatives!" Jan corrected. "They have ceased to be."

"Oh, enough of this!" Keldorn replied. "I'm assuming control of this party, something which I should have done the moment we left Ust Natha."

"Oy, oy, oy!" Korgan broke in. "And why would ye be put in charge, boyo?! I be much more suited for leadership of these lugnuts."

"Being able to fart over a distance of 10 feet isn't exactly a leadership quality, Korgan," Dynaheir smirked.

"Aye, but it be 'elpin'! HAR HAR HAR!"

Keldorn decided to break the circle they were running in thanks to Jan and headed into one of the tunnels leading into another direction. About halfway through the tunnel became somewhat steeper, meaning they were going down, underneath a section dominated by tight tunnels and dimly-lit corridors. They came to a small cavern, dimly lit by lichen on the walls which bathed the room and the tunnels beyond in a bluish light.

A few steps later, Keldorn cautioned the others. In the back of his head he could feel the familiar sense of evil creatures near.

"Hold," Keldorn whispered. "There are evil creatures near."

"I bet you thought that before you said it!" Jan spoke.

"Ey?"

"I bet you thought 'there are evil creatures near' before you actually said it, I mean," Jan said. "In that way, you remind me of uncle Bobbin. He thought things out carefully before he said them. A good trait, perhaps. He'd think 'Hey, you look nice today' before saying it to his wife. And he'd think 'Do your homework first and then you can go outside' before he told his son. And he'd think 'Hey, everybody, get out of the house because I knocked over a candle and set the carpet in the basement on fire and the fire is slowly creeping to the kegs of explosive powdersticks I'm storing downstairs for my cousin Abel the miner. He's struck gold, you know? Unfortunately, it was the gold tooth from a skull, but still it was gold. By the way, we really have to run now because the fire had almost reached the powder when I left the basement. Women and children first!' Oddly enough, he never actually got to speak that thought out loud."

"Damn yer eyes, Keldorn," Korgan chuckled. "Lookee what be sitting there near that big mushroom."

And there 'it' was. Or rather 'she' was. A Drow sat leisurely between two giant mushrooms, apparently waiting for somebody to return. Or, at least, she was part Drow. From the belly-button down, she had the body of a spider. The blue light glistened off her black citinious skin. Eight long legs kept her balance. The drider was wearing the top-half of a Full Plate and had several well-filled saddlebags strapped to her spider-body. Even though bits of metal were sticking out of the bags, if the weight was straining her, she didn't show it. For a moment, she restrained an obvious yawn when she saw the four adventurers approach.

"Oh, great, more dorks," the drider scoffed. "Don't you have any elves to kill or something?"

"Uh, no," Keldorn said. "We're, um, off duty at the moment."

"Oh, smooth lie, Keldorn," Dynaheir rolled her eyes.

"Ah, and I gather you have nothing better to do than to throw rocks at the drider. I'll just have you know I have a mace with your name on it! I've eaten bigger dorks than you four!" the drider threatened.

"Excuse me, my good, um," Keldorn spoke, "aberration. We are searching for the gnomish city of..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, just bugger off already and leave me in peace," the drider snapped. "It's bad enough that I'm used as a packmule and I don't get any form of respect from my partymembers. They told me to stay behind while she talks to the tradesmen. She's afraid I'll scare them off! As if I'm THAT hideous. And not to mention that I'm the picture of good manners. Why, those, those, BIG FAT BASTARD BOLLOCK-BRAINED MORONS!!!! EAT MY WEB, EGGSUCKERS!!!"

"You seem very surly," Jan said. "Kinda reminds me of my uncle Joe. He had his legs shot off... and his arms... and his head.... Well, actually, he's a (surprisingly) small brain in a jar on my aunt's nightstand. No wonder he's surly. But that's what you get for calling a Zsass Tam a dork to his face. We all know he is, but it's best to leave him to his blissful ignorance."

"Well, what would you expect, idiot?!" the drider said. "I've lost everything I had below my belly, and that includes my favorite hobby! I'm sure I'm alive... But why?"

"Guys!" Dynaheir hissed. After turning around, they noticed Dynaheir stood there, rigid as a board. "There's... something sniffing my feet."

"Sod off, you bloody foot-fetished Kobold!" the drider snarled and threw something heavy towards Dynaheir's feet, just missing her by an inch.

"Bloody good shot!" Korgan grinned.

"No, it wasn't," the drider spoke. "I was aiming for her head. I'm getting a bit peckish here."

A voice from the other side of the cavern, sweet and saccharine, yet with a hidden sadistic streak, called. "VERUCA!"

In the distance, a blonde sorceress with a huge cleavage stood accompanied by a love-dominated warrior with two rapiers.

"The 'mistress' bloody beckons us lowly peons," Veruca grunted. "Come on, Lucky, you bloody feetsniffer." Turning to the party one last time, the drider stuck out her tongue and made a rude noise.

As Veruca and Lucky walked off into the distance, the four partymembers watched them, standing there dumbstruck.

"They're harmless," Keldorn finally said. "Well, mostly harmless."

The party continued the trek through the dimly lit caverns. Eventually, they found another tunnel leading upwards again. Once again, they stepped into the darkness... with a nasty-sounding clonk.

"TORM BE DAM... Uh, blessed... Blessed, of course," Keldorn said. "Sorry."

"Well, I be knownin' who be goin' to 'ell. HAR HAR!"

Dynaheir said nothing. Instead, she waved her hands and a dash of dancing fires emerged from her fingertips. The flames shot to above everyone's heads and circled there, illuminating quite a bit of the dark caverns. Most of the cavern and tunnel surface was smooth. The path they were on also seemed well traveled.

"Why didn't you say you could do that until now?" Keldorn gritted his teeth a little.

"Because I could just now remember I can do this," Dynaheir said. "Maybe I should have left that last mushroom beer alone."

Jan looked around a bit. Finally, he scrapped a finger across a stalactite and licked off some grime. "Turnip residue. We're close to the village."

"I thought those Svirbeblin hated turnips. 'Drow food?' they called it?" Dynaheir said.

"Oh, do you believe that crock? They say that in public, but in private they snack away."

"'old on!" Korgan spoke. "I just be feelin' a disturbance in the Rock. It be like millions of braincells cryin' out in terror and then suddenly fallin' silent."

"And there's this weird tang of armor-polish in the air," Dynaheir said, crumpling up her nose at the smell.

Choosing the path of caution, the four stood (axe at the ready in one case) against the wall in the shadows. The clanking of boots came closer and closer, and the horrible stench became ever more stiflings. But the icing on the cake would be the singing. Loudly and obnoxiously, the group of men were singing : "SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE..." over and over again, while several even more loud chaps sang : "WONDERUL SMITE, WONDERFUL SMITE! LOVELY SMITE, WONDERFUL SMITE!" through the rendition.

"Oh, sweet Torm," Keldorn sighed heavily.

"You know these blokes?" Jan asked. "Not that I'm surprised or anything."

"They're a bunch of log-heads," Keldorn said. "They call themselves The Order of the Most Radiant Kidney."

Suddenly, the group came to a halt as they stepped around the corner. They wore painfully shiny full plates and had stupendously huge weapons strapped on their backs. One of them, obviously the leader, stepped forward. Strangely enough, there seemed to be an 'H' glued to his forehead. "Ah, I see a local. Care to point us towards evil to smite?"

"What are you fools doing down here?" Keldorn said. "All you do is march through the streets annoying everybody and giving the real paladins a bad name. You just prance around attacking people for dropping apple peels on the ground and are so doped up on polish-fumes you only study the sounds your boots make on the cobblestones!"

"No true!" the leader spoke. "I personally quested to slay an evil vampire in a most dire crypt... of course, it turned out to be a gerbil. But I smitted it anyway."

"Excuse me," Dynaheir spoke. "Shouldn't that be 'smote it'?"

"Correcting holy warriors is a sure sign of evil! One does not criticize those of higher morals and superior grounds. Do you want to be smitten? Once properly smoted, then positively smitesmote."

"Can I 'it 'im?" Korgan twitched.

"Look!" Keldorn spoke to the leader. "We've been over this before. The only reason why you're prancing around in those suits is because your weak-willed ancestors fell under the influence of a cowardly, arrogant weasel who came in from another plane by accident, and was swept away by his shipmates one month later."

"That's a complete lie! Do you want to be SMOD?! DO YOU?!"

"The incident was well documented! How do you think a word like 'smeghead' suddenly entered the Amnian vocabulary?"

"We follow the words of our great visionary Rimmer!" On cue, the gathered quasi-paladins stretched forth their arms, waggled their hands a little and gave a salute.

"Good then," Keldorn said. "There's evil to be fought down that tunnel, to the south."

And in less than 10 seconds, the would-be paladins scrambled to get into the tunnel at once, denting, grinding and sliding their way south.

"Keldorn, the Mindflayer city is in that direction," Dynaheir said.

"I know," Keldorn nodded.

"I never thought you'd be so cruel, Keldy!" Jan said. "Those poor mindflayers are going to starve to death now."

"Let's just be gettin' on with it, lads!"

A few minutes later, the party arrived at the bridge leading into the gnomish settlement beyond. Strangely enough, there weren't any guards to be seen. When arriving at the middle of the bridge, however, some twenty gnomes stepped out. They were clad in rusty chainmails and clumsily held on to spears which were way too long for them wield properly.

"Oh, what be this?! Amateur night?! These caverns supposed ta be empty, but we be gettin' a year's worth o'morons in one hour!" Korgan said.

"Viva la revolution! You've got nothing to lose but your turnips!" the leader of the band of gnomes spoke. He was a short man, even for a gnome. His moustache, however, was long and shaggy on both ends. On his head he wore a giant sombrero that completely obscured his vision. His men and women were still pointing their spears at the party.

"What the..." Jan suddenly spoke up. "Cousin Zapata, is that you? Why, we haven't heard from you since you fell down that well in the backyard 10 years ago."

"Jan, is that you?" Zapata said, raising his sombrero a little to get a better look. "You seem different somehow," he said as he regarded Jan's Drow form. "Are you wearing platform shoes?"

"I STILL SAY WE SHOULD BE MAIMIN' THEM!" Korgan shouted.

"Quiet, Korgan," Dynaheir broke in. "Perhaps, Jan, since you know this Zapata, you can convince him to..."

"You aren't convincing me of anything, you bourgeois harlot of judious morals. Ye Drow of little faith! Ye oppressor of all things gnomish and fine! Ye hater of the people and their turnips! Enemy of justice and liberty," Zapata ranted.

"Wha... what's this all about," Dynaheir said, a little dumbstruck by the accusation.

"Might I suggest he thinks you are a Drow?" Keldorn offered.

"Ah," Dynaheir smiled. In the meantime, Zapata was still ranting.

"... is opium for the people! Turnips of all nations unite! Staganovski Oblivnovski! The people will no longer be oppressed..."

"What is thy problem, gnome?" Dynaheir suddenly spat.

"My problem is your way of life, Drow!" Zapata said. "While us gnomes live in squalor, you Drow females live in wealth, bathing in money, living in utter utter luxury, having sex all day, eating the most delicious foods of all and rolling naked over silken carpets while eating all the turnips you can eat!"

"Oh, no, no," Jan said. "Think of the rug burns."

"I WANT ALL THAT STUFF TOO!" Zapata banged his fists on the rocks. "And my men want to fight over the little scraps that are left over after my consumption! We might be all equals, but some are more equal than others here."

"So much for selfless nobility," Keldorn muttered.

"Hey, don't judge us. Nobility doesn't pay our bills," Zapata spoke. "We shall make Ust Natha bow to our demands. The people of our fair village support us and we've decided to no longer pay Ust Natha their tribute until they give in to our demands. We want them to lift the restriction on our movements so we can go to the surface to trade our gems for food again..."

"Sounds reasonable," Keldorn said.

"Can I gut 'im, now?" Korgan said.

"... and we want a steady supply of turnips, gold, luxury items, silken carpets and at least one Drow Ssins D'aerthe for each of us," Zapata announced. "Once Ust Natha hears of our rebellion, they will be impressed by our determination and give in to our demands immediately."

"That's less reasonable," Keldorn added.

"Can I gut 'im, now?" Korgan said.

"No, no, no," Dynaheir said to Zapata. "No, no, I think Ust Natha will send in soldiers to take care of your little group... And by the look of you, two will be enough."

"Oh, do not underestimate the power of a good gnome... Ey, what's that?"

"SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, WONDERUL SMITE, WONDERFUL SMITE, SMITE, SMITE, LOVELY SMITE, WONDERFUL SMITE!"

It appeared to be coming from a long way into the depths, from the dark, steep drop down below the bridge.

"What are they doing here?" Zapata said as all gnomes and the party looked over the edge but saw nothing.

"COMPANY HALT!" they heard from below. "So, this is south right?"

"Left south or right south? North South or West South? There's a difference, you know?"

"See any evil yet?"

"No, no, no," another one said. "We took left South, then we took right South, and then we went downSouth and then upSouth and then North-West South... and then we all fell down and went South South."

"But... OWWWWWW... Dammit, this bridge-support just injured me! It walked right into my forehead!"

"Injured a holy warrior? It must be EEEVVVVILLLLL! SMITE SMITE!"

While the sounds of metal hacking away wafted up, the partymembers took a moment to look each other into the eyes... just before running like mad rabbits back to the side of the bridge they came from. Just as they reached safety, the bridge started to groan and teeter just before it crashed down, taking all the revolutionaries with them. A final thud and clank later, all was eerily silent. The party and Zapata looked over the edge and saw only darkness.

"Well, that's that then," Zapata said. "Time to go back to the surface, I guess. Stuff the revolution," and walked off.

"It certainly completes our mission," Keldorn said. "And without too much bloodshed. Let's head back before we run into more idiots."

"I never even got ta use me bloody axe," Korgan muttered.

"Or my magic," Dynaheir said... but then, just as she bent down, the flame still circling across her head fell down into the chasm and, apparently reacted to the armor-polish below. With a bit of a 'WHOOSH', fire shot out of the chasm and licked the ceiling above, burning with a steady flame.

"Oh, correct that," Dynaheir said. "Still, I think our mission would have been easier if I had just given this letter to Zapata."

"What letter?" Jan asked. "Don't tell me you wrote him a love-letter."

"No, no," Dynaheir said. "It's just a letter with some promises for trade and wealth which Phaere gave me before we left. I guess I just forgot about it."

"Aye," Korgan said, regarding the bonfire. "But it be nay as much fun as this be. HAR!"

"I'll just leave this letter here so the gnomes can find it later," Dynaheir said and left the letter on a rock near the bridge.

"Word of advice," Jan grinned. "Don't tell Keldorn about that letter."