Happy 150th! :D Glad to have made it so far. Got something special for you, something the five of us evil souls brain-stormed up in Finland this summer and for which I've found a place. We wrote just after reading The Eye of Argon out loud, ahum. It's the return of two guest stars from a previous part, as well as royally making fun of several canon FR characters. So, be warned. :) Some mild swearing here too... well, it does seem mild to me, at least. :) Juvenile toilet-humor ahead, though. :D

A group of terrifying Drow soldiers were standing at the edge of the village of Nosgoth, armed to the teeth and armored to the bone. The bloodlust gleamed in their eyes as they regarded their fragile prey, ready to rend flesh with their swords, blast it apart with their magic and burn down anything that opposed them. Men, women, children, farm animals, none were safe against their mighty onslaught, for they were the Drow, relentless and without mercy. One of the inferior creatures approached, to its doom...

"Hold this, will you?" a human man dumped a crate in front of their feet. "Move this crate to the back of the house and be careful! My wife's vases are in there."

Mumbling obscenities, the Drow soldiers picked up the crate and started to move it into the house. Around them, groups of soldiers and priestesses were busy carrying rugs, furniture and other assorted goods.

"Mistress Diaytha," one of the soldiers asked, "must we do this?"

"This is no like any raid I've ever been part of," one of the priestesses remarked.

"Hold your tongues!" the commanding Diaytha snarled. "Mistress Sendai is our commander and her word is law. We do as she tells us!"

"Yeah, well, I think Sendai is nuts!" one of the soldier shouted. Immediately, the response was a crack of the whip, followed by a terrified scream of pain.

"Do not make fun of the mistress!" Diaytha snarled, "for she has divine blood."

Sendai, who had been walking around the village, strolled towards the cropse of houses the Drow were working in, stood beside them. She looked a bit awkward in her commander's robe. It was slightly too big and her commander's crown kept getting lopsided towards the left of her head, causing her to be constantly adjusting it. Otherwise, Sendai seemed cheerful and in good spirit, and glad to be out in the open. When Melissan had suggested she should lead a raid out from her newly established home in the Marching Mountains, she jumped at the opportunity, as did her troops. Unfortunately, she and her troops had a difference of opinion on what exactly constituted a 'raid'.

"Mistress!" one of the soldiers called out while dragging a vase into a house. "Why are we doing this?"

"Well, we can't just burn everything down here, it'll create such a mess," Sendai said. When the troops arrived at the village in the dead of night, Diaytha told her of the plan of action. Of course, Sendai suggested to move the people out of the village first. A confused Diaytha reluctantly agreed. Sendai then added that the villagers be given some time to get their belongings to safety as well. Finally, Sendai and Diaytha, accompanied by several soldiers, met with the mayor of the town and came to an agreement : Several houses had been built on a swampy ground and were slowly sinking, new houses had already built and the people living there would move in next week...

"Well, this raid is supposed to show how powerful we are, right? So, after we helped those people move now," Sendai said, "we get to destroy their old houses when we're done."

"But... why don't we destroy everything?!" one of the priestesses literally spoke through her tears.

"Too messy. Besides, who'd know that we were the ones who did it?"

"These humans keep trying to sell beads to us!" a soldier replied.

"An old lady just said 'such nice people you are' to us!'."

"The kids like us!"

"A paladin blessed me!"

Diaytha silenced the chorus with a harsh stare, but then almost shouted when she noticed that Sendai was getting a bucket. "MISTRESS! The commander of a force of Drow does not scrub the porch of her victims!"

"But it was getting a bit scuffed up from the warboots and..."

"I have to put my foot down here, mistress!"

"Awww," Sendai pouted.

Soon afterwards, the moving was done and the Drow forces were getting ready to destroy the five properties that were now vacant. As they were preparing, the entire town came out to view the spectacle, kids up front. Drow stormed the empty houses, hacking and slashing at the wood, kicking the bricks, letting their spells set the sky ablaze. Summoned demons slashed as the thatched roofs and tore down barns, while magic fire consumed whatever was left of the properties. When the battle was done and the five properties lay literally in ash, the Drow forces were met with an overwhelming applause from the cheerfully entertained townsfolk.

"We've become a tourist attraction," one priestess lamented while Sendai and Diaytha looked at the devastation.

"Hey," a soldier spoke. "One of the townfolk said that house is still burning and we've all been invited to a community barbecue!"

An excited murmur went through the gathered Drow. For not even a fiercely embarrassed Drow would say no to free food.

"It is offensive that so much Bhaal-essence is a part of someone like her," Illasera snarled as she and Melissan watched the would-be raid from the hill-top.

"She is easily controlled... which is more than I can say for the others. Or you for that matter," Melissan replied. "It's good to have an ace in the hole. And her released power will give an enormous strength to the Wheel."

"Hmmm, as will we all?" Illasera snorted. "To 'give' rather than receive?"

"Hold your tongue!" Melissan replied. "We shall not speak more of this."

Illasera glowered for a moment, but then returned to the conversation after watching the smoldering for a bit. "I hunted down three minor Bhaalspawn. Not much of a challenge, but the half-elven ranger gave me a good chase. He too fell at my feet."

"Their power, whatever little they had, now feeds the Great Wheel," Melissan replied.

"And you."

"The others are unpredictable. If the Great Wheel ever needs an extra surge of power, I turn my eye to her first."

"So you do intend to betray us?" Illasera grinned.

"I know where everyone stands. Let the fools dream of power," Melissan replied. "Nothing changes. You know I will betray the others, perhaps even you. And I know that you will never tell them of my plans."

"How well do you know me, Melissan?"

"Well enough."

With a wave of her hands, Melissan was gone, leaving Illasera alone to this place.

"No, Melissan," she whispered to the nothingness where her partner had been standing. "You do not know me at all."

She checked her daggers for a moment, then moved away from the 'raid'. There was another target near the mountains, she could sense the essence from far away. The hunt was on.

The Paladin yawned once more, ever vigilant in his quest to stand guard, though secretly hating it while at the same time hating himself for those sinful thoughts and concentrating upon a proper chastisement later tonight. Behind the tired Paladin, however, in a dark alley, three strange people were up to no good.

"So, uhhh, do I, like, hit him now? Huh huh," Bum-head said as he raised a wicked looking bat.

"Yeah, YEAH! This is gonna be cool! Heheheheheh heh," Bovis replied, shaking his hands like the little neurotic bastard he was. "Those paladin dorks SUCK! Those fartknockers didn't let us join their sucky Order. THEY SUCK! Heh Heh."

"Yeah," Bum-head said. "We're, like, too cool for them anyway. So let's kick their asses! Huh Huh."

"No, no, no, no, NO!" Artemis Entreri, self-proclaimed master assassin, most feared in the Realms, replied.

"Like, now and stuff?" Bum-head repeated dutifully.

"I told you no. Are you even listening to me?!"

"Now?"

"Yeah, yeah, YEAH! Cool! There'll be, like, blood and guts and paladin ooze!! All over everybody! And then everybody'll be like 'hmm, I'm all dirty' and stuff! Then we'll be like, standing here laughing and nobody knows we did it. That would RULE!!!"

"Boys," Artemis said, shaking his head. "Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys. Just listen to me, master assassin of the Realms, and you shall be the best, the very best of killers there are."

"Huuhuhuhuhuhuh! You said 'ass'!" Bum-head laughed.

"Oh, yeah, hehehehehheheheh," Bovis added.

"You should confront this paladin on his own terms, boys," Artemis said proudly. "Lure him into a fair fight, then rob him of his pride. That is the way of the assassin."

"Uhhhh, wouldn't that like, hurt and stuff? Like, us? Huh huh."

"Yeah, that would suck! Heh heh."

"Trust me," Artemis said. "Listen to the master of assassins. Sometimes it's better to do these things by yourself, but for the purpose of teaching, I'll will allow you to engage the paladin in a fair right."

"Uhh, huhuhuhuhuuh, Bovis does things by himself, sir."

"Huh?" Bovis said. "OH, oh, yeah! Hehehehehheheh. ' Saluting the Captain'. Heheheh."

"That's just the way it is. The way of the assassin. Besides, you'll get to 'hit stuff' and hitting stuff is cool. Yeah, cool, cool. Cool," Artemis smiled.

"So, uuuuh, when are going to pick up some chicks? Huh huh," Bum-head asked.

"Yeah, heh heh! Like, we've been ass-sissies for 2 minutes now and I've not even seen a single boob," Bovis grunted.

"Oh, trust me boys," Artemis' eyes glazed over somewhat as his thoughts drifted to a seemingly faraway place. "You get to meet some pretty hot stuff in our line of work."

"Cool!" Bum-head replied. "With big thingies?"

Artemis' eyes now really started to glaze over. "Oh, I would think so... And that long white mane, the irresistible lavender eyes, rippling dusky skin..."

"WHOA!" Bum-head's eyes grew wide. "That's a hot! Drow do, like, everything. That would RULE! Huh huh"

"Oh, yes," Artemis sighed. "We were once locked in a dance of death that lasted many hours."

"Whoa, you scored! Bovis, you hear that? Huh huh. When you're an ass-sissy, you get to like, score with Drow chicks!"

"Oooooooh, heheh, we're gonna score! We're really gone do it!"

"Coooommmmmeeeee to Bum-head," Bum-head dreamed away as a number of Drow girls entered his teenage mind.

"You, like, score when you kill people," Bovis grinned. "Chicks dig it and stuff. Heheheheheh"

"Being an assassin is a pretty nice job," Artemis said. "You get to set your own hours, hit stuff, and meet some... amazing people. Of course, there was Guenwyvar too."

"Whoa! Another chick! Huhuhuhuh! Dude," he told Bovis, "We're SO gonna score!"

"Well, what can I say," Artemis nodded. "They travel together, after all."

A long silence fell over the wide-eyed boys. Then, all emotional turmoil was released at once in a single : WHOOOAAAAAAA!

"He, like, did it with 2 chicks at the same time! huh huh huh."

"Yeah, yeah! So, um, there's like two of us, right! That's like, one each! Heheheheheh."

"Bovis, you dumbass," Bum-head spoke. "There'll be, like, 2 Drow chicks for both of us, dude! Think of, like, all those thingies and stuff!"

"Yeah! That's like, um... Uhhhhh," Bovis tried. "Like, um, seven? No, five? NO, like, twelve-teen thingies!"

"You buttmunch! Everybody knows four plus four is twenty!" Bum-head replied.

"Hm," Bovis considered it for a moment. "Ooooooh, yeah! Yeah! Heheheheh. That's like, a lot of thingies!"

"Yeah," Bum-head said. "So, like, lets get out there so we can go find those Drow chicks and do it with them."

"Hehhehehehehheheheh, you said 'get out'," Bovis said.

"That's the spirit, boys," Artemis grinned. "Make sure it's a fair fight. That's the only real way to assassinate your target. Oh, yes, there are some weak-minded fools who think being an assassin is about being quiet and lurking from the shadows to take out your target after careful study and preparation... but, listen to me boys, people who say that are LOSERS! Especially assassins who say that, because losers never admit to themselves that they're BIG FAT LOSERS!"

The boys, eager to score with 2 Drow chicks in some very imaginative positions, moved behind the yawning paladin.

"So, like, we're gonna kick your ass now," Bovis said. The paladin yawned and looked even more sleepy.

"Whatever," he yawned. "Anything to get me out of guard-duty."

"Oh, before we kick your ass, can you tell us where we can find the hot Drow chicks?"

"Try the Underdark," the paladin yawned. "I've heard there's one living in the city, though."

"Cool! But we need, like, more than one. Huh huh. Because like, we're really cool and manly ass-sissies, so one is not enough."

"Yeah. Heheheheheh, we're like, the studly love machines, dude. Heheheheheh. One Drow chick would just like, get all tired and stuff, so we need more. Heheheheh."

"Whatever," the paladin yawned and started to stagger in the wind.

"So, like, stand still, dude, huh huh," Bum-head said as he prepared his swing.

"Yeah, yeah! Smite, smite, SMIITTTTEEEEE!" Bovis giggled.

Just as Bum-head swing the club towards the paladin, the armor polished one snoozed out from lack of sleep (and maybe even a sudden epileptic seizure) and lost consciousness. The paladin clanked to the ground just as Bum-head's swing passed over his head, missing him by the mile. Unfortunately, however, Bum-head's climb firmly collided with the wall of the house, sending a shudder through it. Several unstable roof-tiles shot to the ground, neatly shattering on the cobblestone roads.

"Whoa!" Bum-head shouted out. "That was COOL! Huh Huh."

"Yeah! Heh heh heh," Bovis added. "We really kicked his ass. Heh Heh."

"So, uuuuhhh," Bum-head looked around. "Shouldn't there be some Drow chicks running up to us now to do it with us?"

"Yeah!" Bovis looked around as well. "Where are they?! DAMMIT! They're sure taking their sweet-ass time!"

"Relax, bunghole," Bum-head said. "Let's just ask that good ass-sissy dude."

Together, still entertaining fantasies about several hot Drow chicks with many naked thingies carrying boxes full of tacos for their consumption, the two boys entered the dark alley. To their surprise, they found Artemis laying face-down on the floor, seemingly very, very unconscious. A roofing title lay shattered around his head and neck.

"Uh, hmmm," Bum-head said as he stood over Artemis.

"Ask him about the Drow chicks, dude! Heheheh" eager Bovis told Bum-head.

"Uuuuh, are you, like, dead?" Bum-head asked Artemis. Naturally, there was no reply.

"Yeah, what happened?"

"Maybe that Drow chick came along and did it with him and now he's tired and stuff?" Bum-head tried.

"That sucks! Why couldn't she have stayed and did it to us too? Dammit, we kicked someone's ass, she OWES us! Heh heh," Bovis tried. "Oooooh, yeah, owe me, baby, owe me!"

"Is he like, bleeding? Huh huh," Bum-head said as he examined the blood on his skull.

"Yeah. Hey, Bum-head, didn't the ass-sissy dude say something about leaving them bleeding and then coming back later?"

"Oh, yeah," Bum-head said. "Let's get some nacho's and come back later. Huh huh."

"Yeah, yeah, maybe the Drow chicks'll find us instead. Oh, uuuhh, heh heh, I spent my last gold on that vibrating orange."

"This sucks," Bum-head said, recalling he spent his last gold on the latest issue of PlaySorceress.

"So, uuuuhhhhh," Bum-head asked Artemis. "Could we, like, take your wallet and stuff? Huh huh."

A long silence.

"So, um, I'll just take this over here, uh, thanks, heh heh," Bovis said as he took Artemis' considerable moneypouch.

"Later dude," Bum-head said as the two of them walked off, leaving Artemis, master assassin of the all the Realms, lying face-down in a puddle, felling by a single roofing tile of Slaying.

"No, dilweed!" Bum-head told Bovis as they both walked into the alley, while Bovis had the centerfold of PlaySorceress unfolded. "That's not a belly-piercing, that's a staple!"

"Ooooooooohhhh, yeah," Bovis blinked.

"Dumbass," Bum-head whispered. "Hey, there's the ass-sissy dude."

"Hey, dude," Bum-head greeted the still-prone Artemis after three hours, not bothering to wipe the nacho-chips from his mouth.

"He's, like, still dead," Bovis said as he haphazardly swayed a slurpie in one hand and a stack of pornographic magazines in the other. "They must have been doing it pretty long time. Heh heh heh."

"Bovis, you butt-monkey!" Bum-head shouted at Bovis. "You'll, like, get slurpie all over the thingies! Drink it, you dork. Heh heh."

Bovis knew how to take a hint, and didn't want to make the magazines stickier than they were going to be, so he drank the slurpie down in a single gulp. First, he started to twitch... then, he started to smile in an insane grin. Lastly, he pulled his shirt over his head and raised his hands to the heavens. "I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!" he shouted and started to pace is small circles, sometimes emitting sounds not quite natural to human vocal cords. "I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!"

"Whoa," Bum-head stepped aside. "Settle down, Bovis."

"TP, TP, TP," Bovis said, then stumbling upon the prone Artemis. "You have TP?" He asked the fallen assassin, gently at first. "TP for my Bunghole?"

But silence followed. Bovis, however, seemed somewhat aggravated by Artemis' non-complience.

"YOU WILL GIVE ME TP, BUNGHOLE!" Bovis said. "THE STREETS WILL FLOW WITH THE BLOOD ON THE NON-BELIEVERS!" Bovis shouted and moved towards Artemis's legs and, a mad gleam later, Bovis kicked Artemis in the groin as hard as he could. Artemis' entire body shuddered by the blow.

"Oh, yes, yes, YES!" Artemis suddenly exclaimed.. "Fight me, fight me, Drizzt! Honorable fight! Just do it to me, you broody Drow manly-man, you!"

Upon hearing those words, both boys were in a horrified stupor, even scaring Bovis out of his sugar rush.

"That sucks!" Bum-head shouted. "I don't wanna score with some dude! Drow chicks are hot, Drow dudes are not! Huh huh."

"But... but... we kicked somebody's ass already!" Bovis shuddered. "Oh, no, nooooo! They're already looking for us, Bum-head! We, like, gotta get outta here, they wanna do us!"

"Yeah," Bum-head looked around nervously. "They could be waiting around the corner to do it with us. Two Drow dudes each! That's, like, ten wieners each, dude!"

"Being an ass-sissy sucks!" Bum-head said. "Let's go, like, look at those elves doing stretches again at the hotel. Huh huh."

"Ooooohhh, yeah," Bovis said. "Those elves who, um, forget, uheheheheheheh, to close the shades?"

"Yeah, huh huh," Bum-head replied. "They know we're watching... They wanna do us."

"Is that why they kicked our asses last time, Bum-head? Heh heh."

"They're just playing hard to get or something, huh huh."

And then the two boys left, leaving Artemis Entreri, master assassin in all of the Realms, deadliest of the deadly, lying prone in the alley, his face mushed in the dirt while having pleasant dreams about a Drow male ranger and an honorable fight going on for hours and hours and hours and hours.

"Why's that man lying in the alley?" Rose wondered while she and Astlyn passed alongside the alley where the unfortunate assassin lay prone in a puddle.

"Drunk as a rum-bat, probably," Astlyn smiled.

"There's no such thing as a rum-bat!" Rose challenged.

"Oh, you've never been to Chult. They've eyes redder than the evening sun, teeth longer than daggers and wings the size of sails! Besides, they smell terrible," Astlyn held her nose. "Say, do you know why they're called rum-bats?"

"Why?" Rose said as she snaked her arm around Astlyn's waist.

"Because you can get 2 liters out of them if you squeeze them out," Astlyn smiles. "Takes some time to ferment, though, and the rum might cause some hallucinations."

"Are you sure there's not a bit of Jansen in your bloodline?" Rose asked.

"Milady, I am offended!" Astlyn grinned. "My line has had its share of in-breeding, buggery, affairs, illegitimate children, baby-theft and vampirism, but never, ever has there been a Jansen."

"Just asking," Rose giggled.

"Oh, look!" Astlyn grinned and bent down, picking up a flower that was growing between the cobble-stones. A yellow dandelion having so far survived the carts. "A flower for my flower," Astlyn said and tied the dandelion in Rose's hair for a moment, just before kissing her forehead.

Rose smiled for a moment, remembering the first time she had met Astlyn. It all started four years ago. She and several of her friends from the Bridge District had been hired by a new hot-shot captain to entertain the crew. The galleon had just returned from a successful trip, and according to the man who hired her and the others, the crew had plenty of gold to spend. Rose had tried to find out what this captain's line of work was, but stories ranged from pirate to privateer and from trader to smuggler. But at the moment, she hadn't really minded. The rent had been due and she was some coins short. Besides nights like those always promised easy pickings. The crew would be strewing gold around like crazy and still would be too intoxicated to actually require much work.

And Rose was correct. When she arrived, the ship was filled with half-drunken crewmembers dancing, prancing and singing all over the deck. Food and drink were everywhere, music sounded in the night and she noticed most of her friends had already arrived. Rose noticed it would be easy to dodge many of the more eager crewmembers. Some of her friends were already plying their trade. Turning around on deck, while dodging another eager sailor, she noticed the raven-haired Xandra dragging a very nervous looking young cabinboy towards the stairs leading below-decks under wild cheers of his older colleagues. Rose shook her head... Xandra was one of the few in the trade who actually did enjoy her job, and, perhaps in this case, a little too much.

Suddenly, two slimey arms slid around Rose's waist. The arms belonged to a burly bearded sailor with breath that could kill every plant in a garden in less than a nanosecond. His intent was clear. 'Whoa, yur hot! Let's go below decks to the bunks, baby!" Rose shuddered, but she knew the drill : she'd been paid in full before she boarded the ship. Luckily, he was so intoxicated the ordeal would never take long, if he could perform at all. However, she still reluctantly allowed the man to lead her downstairs.

There, the two of them passed Xandra and the cabinboy on a bunk somewhat away from the stairs. Both had their chest bared and were sitting on the bunk in a somewhat amorous embrace. Xandra noticed Rose's company and gave her a lopsided 'sympathy and good luck'-smile before resuming her own acts of carnality.

The sailor led her to his bunk, which was next to a storage crate. The contents of the crate were strewn all around the bunk. The sailor wasted no time, threw Rose on a coil of rope and lifted Rose's dress. The sailor started to exert himself wildly... leaving Rose to wonder what was going on, because she certainly didn't feel anything. The sailor, drunk as he was, was finished less than 10 seconds later and collapsed, dropping like sack of potatoes. The half-elf rolled the man away from her and, to her delight, noticed he had in fact only been making love to the coil of rope.

Having escaped from that fate, Rose let out a sigh of relief and left the sleeping sailor where he was. She decided to return to the upper deck. When she passed the other bunk, she judged by the creaking of wood and the occasional grunts and moans that the now cabinman was having a lot more luck... and quite a better sense of direction.

An hour had passed without incident. Rose had been successful at dodging randy sailors, and then managed to help herself to quite a bit of the free food. She was just about to take a bite out of a sweetroll when she heard a woman's voice behind her. "So, I take it the men are not to your liking here?"

And there stood Captain Astlyn Kingsfall. Firey Red hair, tight pants, a roguish grin and a rapier strapped to her belt. "What's your name?"

"Rose. Rose Bouquet."

"That's not your real name, is it?"

"Well, no, not really."

"Let's go to my cabin, we can talk in private there."

And so Astlyn led her into the cabin's quarter at the aft of the ship. They were large, they were luxuriously adorned with paintings, items and assorted crap to the point of being garish beyond belief. There, the two women dined, talked, waxed philosophically and eventually made love between the velvet sheets of Astlyn's pirate-queensized bed. After that fateful celebration, Astlyn would visit Rose whenever she was in port, often bringing her exotic gifts.

"Helllloooooooo! Toril to Rose!"

Rose snapped out of her train of thought and found Astlyn smiling at here. "I was telling you that there's another expedition being set up."

"Oh, um, expedition, yes," Rose replied.

"I've been on land too long. Almost three months now," Astlyn sighed. "I long to return to the sea."

"I have something to ask you," Astlyn smiled. "Rose... Why don't you come with me?"

"What? Where to?"

"To the sea, silly!" Astlyn smiled. "Why don't you join us on the expedition? High adventure on even higher seas! It'll be wonderful."

"You're asking me to join you? But... the children at home and the house..."

"Can take care of themselves and Lasalla can take of everything for you," Astlyn replied. "Come on, it'll be a grand adventure. Our grand adventure. What say you?"

'What to say indeed?' Rose closed her eyes. "Let me think about it."