Cards Reshuffled

Many strange and dangerous creatures inhabit Faerun, some poisonous, some with great big teeth. Yet one of the most fearsome species would be Canis Feminum Horribilis, which means ‘stuck-up noblewoman’. Well, more or less. Give me a dragon or an umber hulk any time…

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

“Everybody, get together, back to back!” Zaerini told her friends. “Don’t let them sneak up on you.” The adventurers hastily gathered together, forming a tight group that faced both ways. The redheaded half-elf felt her muscles tense with the anticipation of battle as she strained her eyes trying to penetrate the darkness. Her darkvision would be no help here, the yuan-ti were cold-blooded the same way regular snakes were, and their bodies would be the same temperature as the environment. Then she glimpsed movement in the shadows, and she focused on her magic, twining a thin strand of spider web between her fingers as she uttered words of magic.

As she released the spell, glistening strands of web shot forth from her extended palm, landing in thick gobs on the floor further off in the corridor, spreading out until a thick spider web covered the corridor from wall to wall. Behind her she could hear Edwin casting a spell of his own, and then a tell-tale hiss. Stinking Cloud. Good thinking, Eddie. If one of these spells doesn’t stop them, perhaps the other one will.

There was another hissing noise now, one coming from something alive, and then the Yuan-Ti charged. The warriors came first, powerful creatures with the muscular torsos and arms of a big man, and with the coiled underbodies of giant serpents. Their heads were those of snakes as well, with flat faces and forked tongues. She just had time to cast another spell, a Fireball that landed right in the middle of the first Yuan-Ti, scorching them badly. Since there was a strong stench of grilled snake coming from both ahead and behind, it seemed Edwin had also managed to take a few of the monsters out, but there were more. Plenty more.

By now the Yuan-Ti who weren’t stuck in the web or unconscious from the Stinking Cloud were too close for any other mass damage spells to be used. The bard reached into her pocket, stroking the small and hard object she took out, and Khittix jumped out of her hand, dexterously sliding along the spider webs, spitting more webbing at the Yuan-Ti and biting them with poisoned teeth. Minsc, Jaheira and Anomen stepped ahead now, striking furiously at the Yuan-Ti warriors in order to keep them away from the spellcasters who followed up from behind with spells and missiles. There were still several serpentine warriors remaining, but their numbers had diminished, and the tide of the battle seemed to be turning. It was then that she noticed a Yuan-Ti who looked different than the ones she’d seen before. This one was female, and looked a little like a human woman, except for the green scales covering her body, the unblinking yellow eyes, the flat nose and the tiny snakes growing out of her head instead of hair. She opened her mouth, and a long forked tongue emerged as she spoke, hissing syllables twisting through the air like snakes.

There was a soft mist descending over her mind, and she was floating, floating and drifting. It was suddenly very difficult to see anything, except for those yellow snake eyes in front of her, but that didn’t matter. She didn’t need to see anything else, only to do what she was told. And she was calm…so calm and at peace…

A sudden icy rush hit the half-elf, something that felt like having a bucket of icy water thrown at her. She gasped and shivered, her heart racing wildly, and tried to make sense of what was going on. The Yuan-Ti were all gone, and Jaheira was standing in front of her, looking deeply concerned. The druid also had a livid bruise around her right eye, which was almost entirely swollen shut. Minsc was sitting on the ground, rubbing his head, and a very shame-faced Anomen was in the process of casting a healing spell. “Jaheira?” Zaerini asked. “What happened?”

“A confusion spell, child,” the druid said. “The snake woman was trying to confuse our minds, make us all fight each other. Fortunately I was able to break the spell before too much damage was done, though Anomen still managed to practically knock Minsc unconscious.” She smiled a little wryly. “And as for you, I see you have been practicing your right hook.”

“I’m sorry,” Rini said, wincing. “I didn’t know what I was doing, thank the gods I was too addled to manage to use my sword at least!”

Jaheira shrugged. “Do not worry about it. No permanent harm is done.”

“What about that Yuan-Ti mage? What happened to her?”

“I hit her with a couple of spells,” Edwin said, coming up from behind. “Unfortunately she cast some form of illusion, and then she managed to get away. How are you feeling?”

“I’m all right. I’m just glad I didn’t do worse damage than I did.” The bard shivered. “I couldn’t bear it if I seriously hurt any of you guys. I’d rather die myself.”

“Well,” the wizard said, smiling at her, “I am of course far too powerful for you to ever manage to do that, and will soon be even more so, once the secrets of the Nether Scroll are within my grasp. Just wait and see. (And as for these others, I could certainly do without them, though I suppose it might upset her if anything happened to them.)”

The adventurers went on, and after some time the uncomfortable heat faded away. Presumably they had now reached a part of the castle where the Yuan-Ti didn’t go much. “We’re almost there!” Nalia exclaimed as she ran up a short staircase, taking two steps at a time. “My Aunt’s room in through this way, just follow me!”

Nalia approached the door. She reached for the handle. Then, she was bowled over by an extremely frightened man in a guard’s uniform, who came bursting out of the room like a rabbit with its tail on fire, slamming the door shut behind him. A loud crash could be heard as something heavy hit the door. There was also something very rabbity about the man’s red-rimmed eyes, and the nervous way he kept twitching. If Xzar had been present, blood would almost certainly have been spilt. “Oh!” the guard cried out, helping Nalia to her feet. “Miss Nalia, I’m so sorry! I honestly didn’t see you there, I was in such a hurry to…to…” With that he started shaking violently, and sniffling.

“Whu?” Nalia said, rubbing her head. “Wha’ happened? Where’s the elephant…”

“Oaf!” Anomen cried out. “Have you no manners, man? What could possibly possess you to act like this?”

The guard was weeping openly now, big tears streaming down his face. “I…I…I’m s-sorry! I just can’t take it anymore, I had to get away, I’ve been shut in there with her for days now…Gracen was…was taken by them, and then I was all alone with her and…and…I HAVE TO GET OUT!” With that, he staggered away along the corridor, still sobbing loudly.

“Maybe we should go after him,” Nalia hesitantly said. “Do you think he’ll be all right?”

“We don’t dare split up in here,” Rini answered her. “At least the way should be mostly clear behind us, so he’ll stand a fair chance of getting out, I’d say. But what in the world could have frightened him so?”

The young noblewoman looked at the shut door. “I think I might know…still, there’s nothing for it. Just let me do most of the talking, please? Auntie can be a little…difficult…at times.” She drew a deep breath, then pulled the door open and marched through it.

Immediately, a penetrating female voice could be heard from within the room. “Oh, 'tis like a nightmare! Yet more hooligans tracking their filth through the halls. We shall have to vacation for a tenday while the whole building is deloused.”

“Auntie, please!” Nalia’s voice said. “We have come to rescue you!”

“Nalia?” The sharp voice sounded incredulous now. “You look an absolute fright, girl! Where have you been? And who is this ‘we’ of whom you are speaking? I do hope you haven’t brought any dirty peasants into our home, just think about what happened to your mother…”

“Actually,” Rini said as she stepped through the door, “you’d be better off worrying about the dirty trolls in this place. Any mud we’ve managed to drag in with our filthy peasant feet won’t make that much of a difference any more.”

The bedroom was fairly large, and dominated by an enormous four-poster bed, curtains drawn. There was a big armoire, a few uncomfortable looking chairs, and a table. And in the middle of the floor a very imposing woman stood. Lady Delcia was tall for one thing, taller than some men, and rake-thin. Her gray hair was carefully arranged, not a stray strand escaping from a complicated trap of pins, and she had a jutting and eagle-like nose. Her eyes were a piercing blue, and extremely haughty. “And who,” she said, “might you be? Some more of Nalia’s charity cases, I suppose? Well, I will warn you right now. I know the exact amount of silverware in this house, and I shall count it very carefully once you are all gone.”

Zaerini met the woman glare for glare, and she clenched her teeth tightly together. I won’t waste any time trying to talk to this hag. She’ll never respect me anyway, I can tell. Since I’m not a noble I’m less than dirt in her eyes, and anything I say will only confirm her opinions.

Do you really care what she thinks, kitten? Softpaws asked.

No. I guess not. And that means I might as well have some fun. I’ll give her one chance…and if she doesn’t take it, it’s up to her. “I,” she said in a level voice, “and my friends, are the people Nalia has hired to rescue you from the trolls. The way is clear, so you can see yourself out. If you’d prefer to wait for somebody you think more suitable, by all means. I won’t stop you. I suppose somebody might stumble across you eventually. In the meantime, I suppose you could always teach the trolls table manners or something. Why, they don’t even know how to use knives or forks, they simply tear you to pieces and gobble you up raw, and if you were to put out a serviette they’d probably eat that too.”

“You know,” Jan said, “it’s a funny thing, but I’ve heard tell that trolls actually are a bit picky about their food. One of my nieces, Jenna Jansen, she got captured by trolls once, and the beasts would likely have eaten her if they hadn’t managed to get themselves a noblewoman at the same time. This lady had quite unjustly accused my niece of stealing, just because of a slight misunderstanding about the turnip patch on the castle grounds, and threatened to have her flogged, just when the trolls attacked. Well, the trolls decided to eat her first, since she’d likely be more juicy and tender, being noble and all. Now, Jenna was a skilled cook, so she kept the trolls discussing various recipes all night, right until the sun rose.”

“And then the trolls turned to stone?” Nalia asked.

“No, no. Then they finally settled on doing the mixed grill with turnip flambé. It was just that trolls really aren’t used to more advanced cooking than banging a rock on the meat in order to soften it up, so they accidentally set their aprons on fire and burned to death.”

“So the noblewoman was rescued then?”

“Not exactly…see, the trolls had already stuck a turnip down her throat, for the flambé. But hey, at least she didn’t get eaten!”

Lady Delcia’s facial expression could best be described as petrified. “You low-born little…”

“He may possible be close to the ground,” Edwin said, stepping forward with an ominous expression on his face. “But she is not, nor is she a peasant. You will not refer to her as such again, you dotty old crone, or it will be my pleasure to demonstrate just what certain Thayvian nobles do when their servants offend. (Something that leaves no marks, except in the memory.) My lineage can be traced back over a millennia, while I would be surprised if yours reaches back further than to the nearest pigsty, and the Odesseiron holdings would swallow this little flyspeck of a castle up without noticing it. So do not provoke me, wench, or you will suffer the consequences of your insolence.” Insufferable was sitting on his shoulder, and the little monkey stuck its tongue out at Lady Delcia, blowing her a raspberry.

For a few seconds Lady Delcia simply stared at the wizard. Then her expression shifted subtly. “Nalia?” she said. “Is this true?”

“What?” the white-faced young woman asked.

“What this gentleman says about his background of course, you silly girl!”

“Oh,” Nalia said, giving Edwin a puzzled look. “I…suppose so.”

“Well then,” Lady Delcia said, favoring the wizard with a rather ghastly smile that was nevertheless clearly meant to be pleasant. “I dare say I’ve always thought that a gentleman should be able to make a firm statement. Watch and learn, Nalia, you really are too much of a milksop for your own good. Try to use this fine young man as a role model, my dear, you will be much the better for it.” She nodded courteously at Edwin, then swept out the door with a disdainful look at the rest of the party. “I will speak with you later, once you’ve effected Lord De’Arnise’s rescue from those disgusting trolls. They have taken him down to the dungeons to…”

“Cellars, Auntie!” Nalia hissed.

“Nonsense! Call things by their proper name, girl! Dungeons they are, and it’s a pity we don’t use them more often these days, the peasants certainly wouldn’t be so uppity if we did. That is where your father is. The trolls are trying to make him reveal the location of the family fortune – as if he would ever betray his honor like that, like…like some commoner. Do try to hurry up, this place wants cleaning…”

Once the elderly woman had departed, the party looked at each other in silence for a few moments. “A role model?” Jaheira finally said. “Did I just hear somebody recommending Edwin as a role model? Now I really have heard it all…”