Cards Reshuffled

As has been previously stated, the summoning of familiars is a tricky business. The familiar that turns up will not necessarily be the one you think you want, but it will be the one that deep down you really need.

Excerpt from ‘On Familiars’

Edwin turned the scroll over again and again in his hands, staring at it in wonder. He still had some problems comprehending the reality of the gift he had been given. He had been thinking about getting himself a familiar for ages, but for some reason the time had never been quite right. And then there was the matter of the scroll itself, even if it wasn’t a very difficult spell to cast it still wasn’t one you could find in just any magical store. He certainly hadn’t seen one during all his travels along the Sword Coast. “A familiar of my own…” he murmured, completely unaware of the silly smile plastered all over his face. “My very own…”

“I just thought it’d be something you might like,” Zaerini said, looking almost a little shy about it. “You’re fond of monsters and things, and you’ve always got on so well with Softy, so…you’re happy about it then?”

“Oh yes,” Edwin confirmed, taking the half-elf’s hands in his own. “Very, very happy. In fact, I can only think of one thing you could give me that would make me happier. (And that is something perhaps not best given in public.)” He made a shooing gesture at the rest of the party. “The rest of you monkeys, step aside. I’ll not have you crowding my familiar. (Though most likely it will be something big and fearsome enough to gobble them all up, yes.)”

“You intend to cast the spell here?” Jaheira asked, looking about the hidden chamber where the first part of the Flail had been hidden.

“Of course. There are no trolls in the immediate vicinity, and even if there were, my familiar will certainly be able to look after itself. A powerful and devastatingly sinister wizard such as myself will naturally get a familiar that is both impressive and deadly. (An imp perhaps. Or a poisonous snake. Or maybe a vampire bat. Perhaps even a small dragon.)”

“You never know though,” Jan said, sitting down on the floor and watching the Red Wizard with great interest. “Strange things have been known to happen with familiars. Why, suppose that you and another mage, such as Miss Nalia here, were to cast the spell at the same time. You could wind up as familiars to each other, and wouldn’t that be an amusing fix!”

“Preposterous!” Edwin sneered.

“Utterly,” Nalia agreed in an equally haughty voice. “Pray go on, wizard, we haven’t got all day, you know.”

“Well, if you knew anything about magic you would know that it cannot be rushed,” Edwin said, smoothing the scroll out. “But what else can one expect from a mere arcane dilettante? (I bet she still thinks conjuring flower bouquets and pigeons is the height of class and sophistication.)”

“Go on,” Zaerini said, and as she smiled at him he completely forgot his annoyance at Jan’s comment. “I’m almost as curious as you are, you know.”

Nodding, Edwin studied the scroll, wanting to be certain he got it completely right. It wouldn’t do to make any sort of mistake. I just wish that Master Dekaras could have been here to see this, he thought. My own familiar…he should have been here to see it. I just hope I’ll get a chance to show my familiar to him…some day.

Softpaws had jumped onto the stone sarcophagus that had hid part of the Flail of Ages, and now the black cat strolled over towards Edwin, looking very interested. Try to get a cat, she suggested. I think you’re a fine enough mage that you may be worthy of the finest familiar possible, a feline of your own.

How generous.

Try to make it a male cat if you can. A strong and handsome one with a healthy shine to his fur and a nice voice.

Actually, I thought a tiger would be about right.

Tigers are all right, I suppose. But if you get a proper cat we could help explain how to go about the mating business properly. You need help with that.

Trying to ignore the cat’s comments as best as he could, Edwin concentrated on casting the spell, making certain he got every syllable, every gesture just perfect. As soon as he finished there was a soft bell-like sound in the air, and then a brightening light in the air, on top of the sarcophagus. The light grew ever more intense, until Edwin had to shield his eyes against it, and then he could see it solidifying, taking shape, though it was still impossible to make out exactly what the shape was. Not an imp I think…could it be a tiger? Bit small…maybe…maybe a tiger cub? A really small tiger cub?

Then the light winked out as suddenly as it had started, and Edwin felt his mouth slowly dropping open as he stared in horror at his new familiar. “That’s….that’s…that’s…”

“Ooooh!” Nalia gushed. “Isn’t he cute?”

“That’s…that’s…that’s…”

“He sure is,” Zaerini agreed. “Aw, look at that fur, it seems very soft, and he’s so fluffy.”

“That’s…that’s…that’s…”

“It is a bit small,” Minsc said, peering at the familiar, “but the wizard needn’t worry. Boo will make certain to protect it.”

“That’s…that’s…that’s…”

“At least it will fit in your pack,” Jaheira said, chortling. “The only real danger would be sitting on it by mistake.”

“That’s…that’s…that’s…”

“I do believe I’ve heard,” Anomen said, openly laughing, “that a familiar is said to match his mage’s personality. Verily, I am certain I would never have guessed that this particular wizard had such a….fuzzy side to him.”

“That’s…that’s…that’s…”

“You know,” Jan mused, “this reminds me of when my second cousin Hanna Jansen summoned a familiar. Boy, was she surprised when the familiar that turned up happened to be a very small spider. But, she decided to make the best of it, and now she’s become a Priestess of Lloth and is very happy with her new career, sending us a letter every Solstice with some line drawings of her latest sacrifices…”

“That’s a monkey!” Edwin screamed, slamming his hand down on the sarcophagus, almost unaware of the pain involved. “An INSUFFERABLE MONKEY!”

Hi boss! A small voice spoke inside his head. Pleased to meet you too. That’s my name? Insufferable? Mmmm…I like it! Here, let me give you a hug!

Before Edwin knew it, his new familiar was hugging his thumb tenderly, using its entire body to do so, including all four legs and the fluffy tail. It was the tiniest monkey he had ever seen, in fact his thumb was slightly longer than it was. It was covered with brown, fluffy fur, apart from the pink and wrinkly little face that was dominated by two large almond-shaped and glittering eyes, and it had four tiny and pink little hands with minute claws. Yep, it said, grinning up at him. Insufferable is a good name.

But…but I wanted something big and fearsome and intimidating!

I can do fearsome, boss! Here, just let me show you! The little animal rapidly climbed up along Edwin’s arm and onto his shoulder, where it then proceeded to roar threateningly at the rest of the party. It sounded a bit like the growl of an angry kitten. Edwin had only rarely felt so humiliated.

“Yes,” Anomen scoffed, “extremely frightening. Watch me tremble with fear.” Then he winced visibly as Zaerini gave him a withering glare.

“Well, I happen to think he’s great,” she said, rubbing the little monkey under the chin, something that made the animal chirp with pleasure. Her sympathetic look made Edwin feel a little bit better. Just a little bit.

Ooooh! Insufferable said as the half-elf tickled his tummy. I like her, boss! She’s your mate?

No.

No? Why in the world not? How thick can you be? She’s not the mate of that nasty one in the metal, is she?

NO!

Well, sheesh! Only asking. But don’t worry, boss. I happen to be an expert on such things, I’ll help you with the mating thing so you don’t mess it up. First, you should give her a bunch of nice bananas. A big bunch, nicely brown. Maybe some oranges too if she’s playing hard to get. Me, I’d probably go for some nice insects and spiders, but I guess you larger primates need something more substantial. And then you’ll soon be groooooming her for fleas, oh yeah! Try beating yourself on your chest too, I hear that works for gorillas.

I’ll beat something all right if you don’t shut up.

Tetchy, tetchy…hey, I know! Try showing her your bottom. Do you have a nicely swollen purple bottom? I think it’s gibbons who’re attracted to that…or is it baboons?

My bottom is not swollen, and she is not a baboon!

Whatever. We’re all simians you know. No big diffie, so don’t get all uptight about it. Next you’ll probably claim you’re superior just ‘cause you’ve got opposable thumbs.

Well, we are!

Yeah? Well, I have four hands, now that’s what I call superior! It was at this point that Insufferable spotted Softpaws, who was watching him with a mixture of curiosity and disdain on her face. Hey! Pretty kitty! Come on, you love me, you know you do! Can I ride your back?

The cat looked Edwin straight in the eyes, something that made him take an involuntary step backwards. A male cat, she said, her voice chilly. Not too much to ask for, is it? Then she jumped into Zaerini’s arms, steadfastly ignoring the fact that Insufferable was making hooting catcalls at her.

“This is all some sort of dreadful mistake,” Edwin said with the calm voice of somebody past the edge of despair. “A dreadful, dreadful mistake.” Insufferable was standing on his shoulder, holding onto his earlobe with one tiny, clawed hand. “I will try again, I’m sure I remember the spell and…”

“Nuh uh,” Nalia said, shaking her head. “You should know better. Only one familiar per mage, and you can’t get a new one as long as you have the old one.”

“Well in that case I will simply…” Edwin trailed off as something small and furry nudged his cheek. “Simply…” Now it was kissing him. “Simply…”

“What!” Anomen suddenly shouted, pointing accusingly at Insufferable. “That…that little beast! Look at it!”

Edwin turned his head. The monkey was making some very complicated grimaces at the cleric, including one that involved draping its lips over the top of its head. It then followed up with a couple of extremely rude gestures, made all the more so by the fact that it was four arms doing them rather than two. Finally it waggled its behind at the priest. A slow smile spread across Edwin’s face. “In that case I think I’ll simply keep him,” he said. “Small he may be, but obviously he has a keen intellect and is a wonderful judge of character, as befits any familiar of mine. (And perhaps a nutritious diet will take care of the size issue.)”