Cards Reshuffled

Things don’t always turn out the way you plan them to, in a manner very similar to how an outfit that looked great on you in the shop will really stink when you put it on at home. Of course, sometimes they will also turn out better than you had thought, such as your Loved One eagerly tearing off said outfit in an altruistic effort to get it off your body and spare you the pain. At least that’s what he said he was doing.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

There was no challenge uttered, no questions asked as the adventurers exited the Harper Hold. Not surprisingly, Zaerini thought. They want us to leave. It’s all part of the plan. Bet they’d all be really surprised if they knew the truth.

Finding Xzar again proved no particular difficulty. The mad wizard was still hiding out in his alley, sharing what seemed to be a cookie with Abduh. Rini wasn’t sure she wanted to know how a zombie could eat. And even less what he usually ate. Xzar looked even more disheveled than before, and as he saw her approaching he leapt to his feet, nervously wringing his hands. “You return! Did you find Monty? I’ve been trying to be patient, but the rats tell me that I should go and kill the King of the Chicken-headed lobsters at once, and it doesn’t do to make them get upset. Where’s Monty? Have you got him in your pocket? What have you got in your pockets, hmmmm?”

“Um…” Rini said, hesitating. “Not in my pocket, exactly. I’m afraid I have bad news, Xzar. Sorry. Minsc, take him out.”

The ranger set his pack down on the ground, unlacing it, and then hauled out a small and sad-looking corpse, the corpse of Montaron the halfling thief. He hadn’t started to decompose much yet, but between the grayish color and the glassy eyes there could be no doubt that he was dead. Besides, he was as stiff as a plank. Xzar gasped, clasping his hand across his mouth.

“Urrrrghhh…” Abduh mournfully said, putting his enormous arm about the wizard’s shoulder.

“Monty…” Xzar said, large tears rising in his eyes, and then went to his knees on the ground beside the dead halfling. “Monty, how could you do this to me? We were supposed to die together, one day when we were old and immensely wealthy, and had our own little planet to retire to, one made entirely of custard!” He angrily batted Abduh’s hand away. “STOP TOUCHING ME!”

The zombie’s lower lip trembled, and a long string of thick green drool escaped. He sniffed loudly, a sound like something bubbling to the surface of a sewer. “Urrrrghhh…”

“I’m sorry, Abduh,” Xzar sniffled. “You’re such a good boy, I know you’re only trying to help. I’m just upset over poor Monty…seeing him in such a state has given me quite a shock, you know.” He suddenly smiled, a bright and brittle smile. “I think there may be a very real risk of it driving me insane, yes. Blood…blood flowing down the streets, and little pixies sailing by in boats made of banana peel. They’re taunting me I tell you! Taunting me!” Suddenly he seemed to calm himself. “But I am being silly…I can reanimate him! What do you say, Abduh? Don’t you think Monty will love being a zombie, just like you?”

“Urrrrgh! Urrrrgh!” Abduh said, jumping up and down and clapping his hands.

“Xzar! Xzar!” Zaerini cut in, waving her hand in front of the wizard’s face. “You don’t have to do that! He hasn’t been dead long, there’s still a chance of calling him back. Jaheira knows this spell and…well, there is still some hope, though we can’t promise anything.”

“The Harper! She won’t touch Monty, oh no! She’d probably turn him to dust or something.”

“I would never do that!” Jaheira protested, outraged. “If I give my word, I keep it. Even if it concerns a Zhentarim.”

“See?” Rini said. “She won’t hurt Montaron, and if the spell fails there’s no harm done, you can still turn him into a zombie. I’m sure he’d prefer to be alive though.”

“You really think so?” Xzar asked.

“Yes. I really think so.”

“Even if I sew him up really neatly?”

“Yes.”

“Oh. All right then. But I’ll be watching the Harper closely! One false move and I’ll send you to dance with the Old Ones, with their flailing tentacles and their Polka From Beyond Space And Time.”

“By all means, do not bother to thank me,” Jaheira grumbled as she knelt by the dead Montaron, passing her hands over the halfling’s dead body. “I am only doing this out of a sense of balance, just so you know it.” As she chanted her spell there was a faint whisper in the air, as of leaves stirring in the wind, and the faint green glow of sunlight filtering through new leaves. It reminded Zaerini of early spring, and of life returning to the forest. After a few moments she noticed something happening. Color was slowly returning to the dead halfling’s face, and the sunken cheeks were filling out. One of his hands twitched, he coughed loudly, and then he jerked into a sitting position, eyes wide and horrified.

“Blasted Harpers!” Montaron sputtered. “Try and catch me, would ye? Ye’ll never get me alive!” Then realization dawned on his face. “Oh…”

“Monty!” Xzar happily exclaimed, embracing the halfling until Montaron was in very real danger of being choked into his second encounter with death in just a few days. “You’re alive!”

“Not for long…” Montaron wheezed. “Let go o’ me, you addle-headed wizard!”

Abduh seemed pleased as well. He picked up both the thief and the wizard and squeezed them tightly to his broad and rotting chest in an enormous bear-hug. “Urrrrrghhh!” he declared, smiling widely despite his partially missing jaw. “Urrrrgh, urrrrgh, URRRRGGGHHH!”

“Yes!” Xzar agreed. “We’re all together again, and soon the rabbits will BE DESTROYED! ALL OF THEM! We will send them all into the quiet rooms behind the wallpaper!” For a moment his eyes regained a hint of lucidity. “By the way,” he asked Zaerini, “wherever did you find Monty?”

“His corpse was stuffed into an old trunk back in the Harper place,” Edwin said. “A very feeble attempt to dispose of a body if you ask me. I certainly would have done better.”

“Hmpf,” Montaron said. “A trunk. Figures. And I bet it was a small trunk too. Think they can do anything just because you’re a halfling. Kill you and stuff your stiff into a small trunk.”

“Anyway,” Rini said, “that’s not all of it. See, the Harpers killed you, but they wanted Xzar dead too, I think. And they had what they thought was this really clever idea of tricking me into helping them out.” She opened her bag of spell components and took out a small yellow bird that made nervous tweeting noises. “This,” the bard said with a small smile, “is the supposed Montaron we were meant to bring here. Well, now I have done so. I think we should take a closer look at just what I’ve caught.”

“Pretending to be Monty?” Xzar said, anger flashing in his eyes. “The bird was pretending to be Monty? We cannot have that, no, not at all! Bad birdie! Bad!” As he chanted a spell, the bird shimmered and grew in stature, until eventually there was a woman standing there, a fairly short woman wearing an outfit in white leather of all things. She had short brown hair, a thin and determined face, and pale blue eyes that didn’t seem much saner than Xzar’s.

“Villains!” The woman cried out. “Unhand me at once!

And death will come on wings of song,
a song of long and winding guile,
and in the end your end I wend,
and in the end, a harp will smile!”

She tried to reach behind her, attempting to draw forth a crossbow. Then she made a pained noise as both her arms were twisted up behind her back.

“Urrrrgh” Abduh said into the woman’s ear. “Urrrgh, urrrgh, URRRRGHHHH!”

“Good boy, Abduh,” Xzar said, patting the zombie on the arm. “What a very good boy you are.”

“She’s the one that killed me!” Montaron spat, then kicked the woman in the shins. “Take that, and if ye spout another of yer rhymes there’ll be more to come!”

Edwin was giving the white-clad woman a look of deep disgust. “Oh look,” he said. “It’s a rhyming assassin. I thought that ‘Death come for thee’ fellow was bad, but this… (Probably a good thing that Teacher Dekaras doesn’t have to witness this. It would simply be too painful.)”

Jan nodded sagely. “Oh, it's the old the-bird-is-really-the-assassin trick, is it? Cousin Belar once pulled that on my great Uncle Tookar, although to be fair he didn't actually mean to kill anyone. He turned from a hummingbird into his original form just as a practical joke on my uncle's birthday... and startled the old gnome so much he went and had a heart attack on the spot. The elders were so upset they turned Belar into a hummingbird for good. He liked it, though, and flew off (that branch of the family was always a bit odd in the head, if you catch my meaning)... only to get eaten by a griffon a week later, I hear. Now, that's justice if there ever was, I suppose.”

“Assassin?” Anomen growled. “Such foulness, and that they should try to use us for their own sinister ends is a crime quite unpardonable.”

Jaheira nudged her quarterstaff against the white-leathered woman’s nose, and when she spoke her voice was flinty. “Speak and speak true. The Harpers have attempted to use us, and me one of their own kind. I would know the reason for this.”

“Do you not see?” the woman retorted. She was actually frothing at the mouth, Rini noticed, and her eyes were glazed with the absolute conviction of a fanatic. “They are Zhentarim! Evil Zhentarim! Evil! That necromancer is the creator of abominations!”

“Abduh is no abomination as such,” Zaerini coldly replied. Ugly, bad-tempered and not too bright, but that’s another matter entirely. “And I don’t exactly see what’s so very morally superior about trying make me do your dirty work for you. I don’t like being used. Who gave you the right to try? Not to mention that I really wonder how a supposedly ‘good’ organization motivates trying to kill people when they haven’t actually attacked you or anything.”

“Besides,” Edwin added, “if she were any good at all as an assassin she wouldn’t have needed that little scam. Pathetic. Utterly pathetic, and a true disgrace.”

“It’s different!” the Harper Assassin spat, her voice rising to a shrill screech. “It’s different! We’re Good! We’re Harpers, and that means we have the right on our side! Because we’re Good! And they’re Evil! It’s completely different! And all Evil people deserve to die, slowly and painfully, and with no quarter given, and since I’m Good that means I should make sure of it! And if you can’t see that, then you’re clearly Evil too! Bad! Bad! Bad and Evil! You all deserve to die! All of you!”

“I think I’ve heard enough,” Rini said, shrugging. “Actually, I’m quite tired of your voice by now. I think you should have a prettier one.” She turned to Xzar. “Xzar…you don’t by any chance happen to have a second polymorph spell memorized do you?”

The insane wizard simply grinned, his tattooed face twisting into a hideous demonic mask. As he cast his spell, the woman’s voice dwindled into a tiny chirp, her body shrunk into a petite one covered in golden feathers, and within seconds she was sitting on the ground, once again trapped in the shape of a very small bird. “Tweeet?” she said. “Tweet? TWEEEET!”

“Oh, just go away,” Zaerini said, shooing at the bird. “Go ask Elminster to disenchant you or something, I don’t care. And just be happy I’m not what you would call a ‘good’ person, or I’d probably already have wrung your neck. Now get lost!”

“Can’t I keep the pretty birdie?” Minsc asked. “Boo would like a little friend to play with…I would be very careful and feed it only the best of birdseed…”

“TWWWWWEEEEEETTT!” the bird shrieked and unsteadily hopped away around the corner. Then there was a thumping sound and a small shriek, rapidly cut off. A few moments later Softpaws came nonchalantly strolling around the corner, looking very pleased with herself as her pink tongue darted out to lick a small feather off her nose. Mmmm, she said. Tathted like chicken. Not much meat, but crunchy and nithe. She spat out another feather that had lodged between her teeth.

Softy! I told you not to eat her! I only meant to scare her, I told you that.

The cat’s green eyes widened with feigned innocence. Did you? I must have forgotten. And no wonder, since you feed me so irregularly. I’m not supposed to starve, am I?

But what if she changes back in your stomach? You’ll explode!

She won’t. That spell doesn’t wear off naturally, you know that.

I suppose…just don’t do it again, all right. I don’t want you to get hurt.

Oh, come on! Cats are meant to snack on fluttery little yellow birds, you know that! Anything other would be totally unnatural. Having the bird win…what a laugh!

Jaheira had turned an interesting shade of pale green, and was clinging to Minsc in her efforts to keep upright. Her accusing finger wavered unsteadily between the black cat and her redheaded owner. “Child…” she finally said, her voice horrified. “Your…your familiar just ate a Harper! A Harper! What have you got to say for yourself?”

Rini gave her friend a slightly unsteady grin. “Whoops?” she said.