Cards Reshuffled

The Realms are inhabited by many a fearsome creature. Liches, vampires, ghouls, wraiths, and many more. But sometimes it seems to me that nothing can be more frightening than the mind of an utterly ruthless person, one that revels in pain.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

“So let’s see if I get this straight,” Zaerini said, watching her friends incredulously. The adventurers were gathered up in her room, in order to plan for the day ahead, and she had been hit with one surprise after the other over the cause of the past few minutes. “You,” she pointed at Jaheira, “have promised Bernard that we’ll go check out some unspecified ‘evil plot’ in the backrooms of the Copper Coronet.”

“That is correct,” Jaheira said, not sounding the least bit apologetic. “As I have told you, Bernard is a friend of the Harpers, and has provided us with much important information in the past. He may not know exactly what is afoot, but his hunches have always proved valuable.”

“Right. Let’s hope that the reward he’s offering is valuable as well.”

“Reward?”

“Yes. For saving Imoen.” The bard waited expectantly for a few seconds. “All right. No reward offered. Let’s put that quest aside for now, shall we? Let’s hear the details from the rest of you. Eddie, you mentioned something about ogres?”

The Red Wizard nodded. “Yes. A local nobleman, Lord Firkraag, has apparently had his land infested with orcs and ogres and is willing to offer us no less than 10000 gold for clearing them out. (And if that doesn’t impress her I don’t know what will. What did the Helmite do while I was contributing to our cause, I wonder? Gorge himself on more disgusting carrot juice?)”

“It does sound good,” Rini said, absent-mindedly scratching Softpaws beneath her chin. The cat’s purring sounded as loud as that of a tiger. “Maybe a little too good. I know Athkatla is called the City of Coin, and maybe this Firkraag is as wealthy as Waukeen herself, but I don’t see why he’d offer us that much.”

“Well, obviously he was impressed with my fearsome reputation as a grand and highly intimidating wizard! (And possibly with her as well. The man had wonderful taste in clothes, it would make sense that he would have taste in other matters also.)”

“Oh, of course,” Rini said, giving the wizard a crooked grin. “That explains it, you think? But I still wonder a little bit. And it’s also quite a distance from here to this place he mentioned; I checked it on the map. Maybe he’s some sort of agent for the Cowlies, or even Irenicus, trying to get us out of the way. So I say that we check it out, but carefully, and not immediately. He didn’t give a time limit, did he?”

“No.”

“That’s all right then. Now, Minsc. What’s this about some girl and a castle?”

Minsc looked up from his seat on the floor, where he was trying to trim Boo’s claws. The hamster was protesting violently and had already come close to biting him, but he didn’t seem to worry. “Minsc found a Hero Quest for his new witch! Saving a girl from a castle…no, wait. Saving a castle for a girl it should be. Poor Nalia had to run away to get help, and the Forces of Hamsterhating Evil are drooling to get their nasty teeth into her family.”

“What kind of Forces of Evil would these be? Dragons? Goblins? Or something in-between?”

“Miss Nalia didn’t say.”

Rini quietly put her head into her hands. Of course she didn’t. Because no doubt she was afraid that nobody would be stupid enough to take the job unless she conned them into it. Well, at least Minsc said before that she offered a great reward. I just hope it will be a monetary one, rather than a pat on the head. Nobles can be extremely tight wadded. “Right,” she said. “That may be a good job, or it may not. But I also promised Korgan to go find that book, so we’ll do that first, especially since this ‘De’Arnise Keep’ is also out of town, if a bit closer than the Windspear Hills. Then we go see exactly what she wants us to do, and if it’s worth it, and we’ll save Firkraag’s ogres and the Harper thing for later.” I suppose I should be grateful for all these people suddenly showering me with potential work, but it’s just a little bit too much all at once.

Don’t worry, kitten, Softpaws said, batting her with a paw in order to get more thoroughly petted. You’ve only seen a tiny bit of Athkatla yet, I’m sure there’ll be plenty more to come.

Thanks for the encouragement.

You are welcome. That is what familiars are for, after all.

I thought they were for eating large amounts of food, occupying my pillow, shedding all over my clothes and interfering with my love life?

That too, kitten. That too.

The adventurers set out for the Graveyard district of Athkatla the next morning, and as they approached Zaerini found that it was rather more than she had expected. In her mind she had been envisioning something like the small cemetery in Nashkel, or perhaps the one in Baldur’s Gate. But this was no mere cemetery. This was a city, an entire city of the dead, set in the middle of the one belonging to the living.

There was no obvious symmetry to the place. Small tombstones and grave markings stood right next to enormous tombs, and crypts large enough to house a family of ten, and the gravel paths between the tombs wound here and there in confusing patterns, making it quite easy to get lost in the necropolis. In between the tallest crypts and monuments, the sun never quite seemed to reach the ground. There were statues too, tall marble angels and demons, standing guard over the silent inhabitants of this place. There was a pause for a few moments as the adventurers stood watching at the entrance to the cemetery. “Well,” Rini finally said. “Let’s just say I’m not that eager to visit here at night.”

“Have no fear, my lady!” Anomen said. “Should it become necessary, I will call upon the power of Helm to repel all dread creatures of the night.”

“That shouldn’t be too difficult a feat,” Edwin remarked in a voice practically dripping acid. “After all, the stench of your breath is quite enough to repel us all already. In the future, I will not waste any time on memorizing Cloud Kill, I will simply command you to exhale at our enemies and they will drop like flies.”

“Take care how you address me, foul mage! I know your kind all too well, I would not be surprised to see you consorting with creatures of darkest magic.”

“Oh, nothing wrong with that,” Jan said, “even if it’s not something gnomes tend to do, not being given to Necromancy you see. But that doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy a good party, and I’m sure you know that while Good may be very virtuous and all that, Evil gives all the best parties. In fact, my nephew Mortimer Jansen used to work in the Evil Catering business, providing food, drink and entertainment for Evil Overlords, wicked sorceresses, liches, Dark Gods, you name it. Worked all over the planes, he did.”

“Ah,” Anomen desperately tried, “I believe it is time for us to go slay some evil and…”

“And let me tell you,” Jan went on, “it’s a tricky business to be in. Young Mortimer found that out when he accidentally confused two orders, and delivered two Volcano Pizzas and a keg of beer to the alien slug-like crime lord of a desert planet rather than to the geeky, mind controlling multimillionaire and techno-wiz of some boring little planet called ‘Dirt’ or something like that.”

Edwin’s eyes were looking a little glazed by now. “What,” he said, clearly trying to seize upon one thread of the conversation in order to make sense of it, “are pizzas?”

The gnome gave him an indulgent grin. “Come now, Eddie my boy, and you call yourself a mage? Clearly there’s still a lot you need to learn about the Five Elements that make up everything around us. Air, Water, Earth, Fire and Pizza, as simple as that. And you haven’t seen anything until you’ve summoned yourself a Pizza Elemental, the ones with extra cheese are the most powerful of all, they can really…”

“I don’t care about cheese!” Anomen almost screamed.

“But you’re not a mage either, Ano. Me and Eddie, we know about the power of cheese, don’t we, Eddie?” He wrapped his arm about the Red Wizard’s waist in a companionable gestured, as Edwin feverishly tried to pry him away. “But I think I’m getting away from the topic,” Jan said, “and I wouldn’t want you to think me a rambler. So, the slug-like crime lord was really disappointed when he didn’t get the golden-bikinied dancing girl and the coal-encrusted smuggler he’d ordered, and he took it all out on poor Mortimer.”

“I really, really understand him,” Edwin muttered. “Oh, what I wouldn’t give for a Power word Kill spell, right about now. (Or a really good pair of earplugs.)”

“Dropped poor young Mortimer down a trapdoor and into a nasty dark pit he did,” Jan said. “Morty only narrowly escaped being eaten by the giant mutated lizard monster living there by ramming both pizzas down its throat, making it choke on the cheese. And he always swore afterwards that the beastie’s breath was enough to make his nose hairs curl up in disgust, which is of course what you reminded me of, Ano.”

Zaerini felt a tug at her sleeve, and Anomen gave her a frantic look, his face contorted with frustration. “My lady,” he said. “May I kill him? Please?”

“No,” the bard said. “Just ignore him and he won’t find it nearly so amusing.”

Anomen sighed deeply. “May Helm give me strengh…” he muttered.

After a short while Korgan appeared, looking just as scruffy in daylight as he had the previous evening. Rini wasn’t fooled by his appearance though. She could tell that the axe he covered was in excellent condition, as was his armor. “Good morrow to ye, me fine blood lusty comrades!” the dwarf bellowed in a voice that made a small marble dove tremble and crash to the ground from its perch on top of a tomb. “It be time to go shoppin’ for some treasure, and ye’d better be up to the task or the critters below may be getting’ themselves a fine mornin’ meal. Har!”

“And good morning to you too, Korgan,” Rini said in a calm voice. “How nice to see you.”

The dwarf gave her an approving grin. “Not scared o’ some noise and bluster, are ye girlie? There may be hope for ye yet, despite havin’ elf blood.”

“Elf blood or not, I’ve seen scarier things than you, Korgan.” The bard favored the dwarf with a small smile and made a point of displaying her sword. “And now, let’s go find ourselves some reading material – unless you’re still waiting for me to issue some girlish little scream.”

Elsewhere…

“EEEEEK!” Aerie screamed, putting her best tremble into her voice. As usual, it had the desired effect.

“My darling!” the young fop she had collected earlier at the Mithrest Inn exclaimed. “Are you all right? Is something the matter?”

“Ooooh…” Aerie moaned, pointing at the ground a little ways into the dark alley the pair was currently walking through. “A…a n-nasty, icky dead rat, right there! It…it scared me! I…I don’t think I can walk p-past it, I am too…too sensitive to see such ugliness!” Unless you’re counting the rat tails I use for the basic monster summoning spell, but let’s not mention those right now, shall we?

“Of course my darling,” the young man in the rich clothes said, bending over a little. “I shall remove this disgusting…”

The alley was briefly illuminated by a bright flash of light, and then there was a loud thud as something dropped heavily to the ground. Finally, Aerie thought as she bent over the corpse. I wouldn’t have been able to stand his dull chatter for a single second more without puking all over him. Now let us see what he can provide. Deftly, the Avariel searched the dead man’s pockets, relieving him of his heavy purse, his jewels and his silk handkerchief. Then she opened his mouth, there was a disgusting crunching, tearing noise, and she wrapped a small object up in the handkerchief and put it inside the purse. A gold tooth. How vulgar. Useful, though.

Aerie knew that she needed to increase her funds if her new plan would stand any chance of success. A power-base needed to be built up, and for that she needed money. Fortunately, money was relatively easy to come by, when you were possessed of an innocent face, a meek little voice, and a mind like a poisoned steel trap. The city was ripe with fools like this one, ready for the plucking. Then, once she had the funds she needed, she would be able to move on to the next stage of the plan. But for now, there was a corpse to dispose of. It wouldn’t do to let it be seen that this man had been killed by magic. Fortunately, there was an excellent scapegoat, right here in the Bridge District.

Poor little Skinner Killer, Aerie thought as she quietly chanted another spell. Blood poured forth from the dead body in gushing floods as skin was slowly peeled back, revealing quivering red muscles, yellow fatty tissue and white tendons. Quite a pretty picture. Or at least a colorful one. Won’t he be surprised to learn that he has claimed another victim, and without even remembering it… She picked up and neatly folded the pale, flapping skin, using another spell to remove the blood, and then stuffed it into her handbag. Obviously it wouldn’t do to leave the skin at the scene, so she would have to take it with her and destroy it later. Tempting as it was to use it as a cover for her spellbook, that would be just a little bit obvious. I only wish I could have skinned him alive, for the glory of my Mistress, succoring his delicious pain. But at least his death will aid me towards my future goal, and that should please her more still. Yes…once my enemies scream with delicious pain, then my Mistress will be very pleased.