Cards Reshuffled

It’s funny, isn’t it? With Irenicus, I thought I’d seen the worst of what people are capable of doing to other people. Then I realized that he was by no means alone, and that there were plenty of others doing similar things, despite having what he lacked. It’s the sort of thing to make you think.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

“So,” Zaerini said as the adventurers set out towards the Docks. “Think Mae’Var has noticed that his documents are missing yet?” It was a fine morning, with a clear blue sky. Pity that the stench of the slums was so strong, and that the refuse was all the more visible in the sharp sunlight.

“Very probable,” Edwin said with a small shrug. “We had better be prepared for a fight when we get there.”

“You know, I was a bit surprised to find you working for Mae’Var in the first place. A Thieves Guild isn’t the first place I’d have gone looking for you, I’d have expected to find you…I don’t know…working for some nobleman or something.”

“I have certain contacts,” the wizard said. “I am knowledgeable about how such organizations work. And as for nobles, the so-called nobles of Amn are hardly worth the name. The Odesseiron line is ancient, and was so before these ridiculous little ‘noble’ families had worked themselves up to the position of ‘first swine herder’.”

“Say, Red!” Jan said, his blue eyes sparkling with amusement. “That actually reminds me of a story.”

“Silvanus, grant me patience…” Jaheira sighed.

“You see,” Jan went on, “my Great-Uncle Filibus Jansen was a very skilled swine-herder. The best. He could make those pigs do the most amazing things. Stand still, jump through hoops, beg, play dead, play ham…you name it. Greatly respected he was, and people would beg for him to look after their pigs for them.”

“I’m not interested in your ridiculous relatives,” Edwin sneered. “I was speaking of mine, who happen to be…”

“Anyway,” Jan went on, “one day Great-Uncle Filibus met this charming young lady gnome, named Rosberta Popinjay. Very high and mighty family, the Popinjays. Why, they owned ten large turnip fields all to themselves, and what more could anybody ask for? So, Filibus and Rosberta ran into each other at the annual Spitting Contest Ball, and the usual thing happened.”

“Please spare us the indecent details!” Anomen said.

Jan blinked. “What’s up your armor, knighty? Nothing indecent about Rosberta winning the Spitting Contest, is there? That is what usually happened. Or were you thinking of something else?”

Anomen subsided into heavy silence, blushing furiously.

“Oh,” Jan said. “And Rosberta and Filibus also fell head over heels in love with each other as they shared a glass of turnip juice.” He sniffed loudly. “Sadly, when Great-Uncle Filibus went to propose, it turned out that Rosberta’s father wouldn’t let her marry a Jansen. He had already betrothed her to another wealthy gnome, named Osric Oddlefit. Bad turnips, the Oddlefits, the entire lot of them. No appreciation of a good story. Well, this was many years ago, and Rosberta felt she had no choice but to agree.”

“Poor Rosberta and Filibus…” Zaerini said. “That’s so sad.”

Jan nudged her cheerfully. “Ah, but the story isn’t over, your Worship! Great-Uncle Filibus was a very resourceful young gnome, you see. He trained his pigs into forming a living pork pyramid, as it were, and then climbed on top of them to reach the fair young gnome’s bedroom window. Well, Rosberta was very happy to see him of course, and only too eager to run away from home. They rode off into the sunset on the back of the largest pig, and that’s how the Popinjay family got a much needed injection of Jansen blood. Twelve young tots Rosberta and Filibus had, and all of them fond of pigs.” Jan winked at Edwin, who was looking a little dazed by now. “They say a little swine herder blood really perks a family up. You sure you haven’t got any, Red?”

“Absolutely not,” the Red Wizard said, looking greatly annoyed.

“No? Pity. Let’s hope you never need to rescue any young ladies then, you’d be totally stumped. But you could be wrong, them swine herders are tricky folks.”

“Would hamster-herder be all right?” Minsc asked. “Minsc thinks he would enjoy that, if he wasn’t busy being a Hero. But Minsc will take care of pigs too if that is the best way to be a Heroic Savior of Young Ladies.”

“Hey, look at that!” Rini exclaimed. “We’re at Mae’Var’s place already. Isn’t it strange how the time flies when you’re having fun?” Edwin, Anomen and Jaheira all groaned simultaneously, and then they all looked very put-out.

The gloomy building that housed Mae’Var’s guild looked even more off-putting than usual. There was no guard outside, but Rini could almost feel dozens of unfriendly eyes watching her. “Everybody be really careful,” she said. “Let’s pretend everything’s still nice and friendly, but be ready for anything.”

“Minsc is ready!” the large warrior cheerfully exclaimed. “Minsc is always ready. The heads of the wicked ones inside may be crammed full of evil thoughts, but Minsc will insert his trusty sword inside their ears and clean them all out!”

“Right, but at the moment…”

“EVIL BEWARE! MINSC AND BOO ARE HERE!”

“Minsc, no!” Zaerini cried out as the ranger raised an enormous foot.

CRASH!

The door splintered into a million pieces, and then Minsc rushed inside, sword raised. Surprised cries could be heard from inside, intermingled with shouts of ‘Go for the eyes, Boo!” Cursing under her breath the half-elf hurried after her friend.

Inside the dark entry hall that also functioned as a bar in order to fool casual visitors, Minsc was busy battling several thieves. Individually none of them would have been a match for the large man, but they were adept at striking in just the right spot and at attacking from behind. Minsc was bleeding from several wounds already, but they didn’t seem to be slowing him down, and there were a couple of corpses on the ground. Not pausing, Zaerini mouthed the words of a spell, and then the world slowed down around her, the enemies moving slowly, as if they were struggling through a swamp. Of course, it was really that she and her friends were moving faster, but it gained the same results.

She managed to fire off a couple of arrows before she had to dodge a savage blow aimed at her throat, and then there was a loud cracking sound right next to her ear as Jaheira’s quarterstaff broke the jaw of one of the attackers. The man dropped to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Edwin pointed at the doorway on the other side of the room, and a large globe of red-hot fire flew from his fingertips, landing on the other side. Several shrieks could be heard. The wizard smirked with satisfaction, but then he gasped with sudden pain as a dagger found its way in between his ribs. Edwin clutched his side, looking surprised, and there was red on his fingers, something redder than his robe, something that was dripping onto the floor.

“NOOOOOO!” the bard screamed at the top of her voice, and now the fire was racing wildly through her veins, the monster within was free of its chains and out for blood. She had her sword in hand now, not a particularly rare sword, but at least a little magical, and she was standing over the wizard protectively. Dimly, she was aware of Anomen casting a spell, and of several armed men suddenly becoming very visible in their various stealthy positions around the room, something that seemed to make them very uncomfortable. Kill. Kill. KILL!

She was hardly an expert swordfighter like Sarevok had been, but that primal rage was the same, and it was driving her forward. What she lacked in strength and training she was at least partially able to compensate for with natural agility and the spell she had cast. One of the thieves was before her, and her free arm shot out, clawing at his eyes with fingernails that suddenly were far longer than they should have been. Even as the blinded man screamed and tried to protect his bleeding face her other arm took its turn, and the sword stabbed into his guts, finishing him off.

Zaerini thought she could hear something, the sound of a wild beast snarling, and twisted around, alert. But there were no more enemies standing, the last one fell as she looked on, one of Jan’s crossbow-bolts firmly lodged inside his throat. Within her, the bloodlust fought for control. Kill! Kill more! Kill them all!

Then her eyes fell on Edwin, and the fires in her blood smoldered and went out. The wizard was weakly getting into a sitting position, already arguing with Jaheira as the druid administered her healing spells and protesting that he didn’t have the time to be still, because clearly everybody would make a mess of things if he wasn’t around to take charge. His eyes lit up as Rini hurried over to kneel beside him. “Are you all right?” she asked, hoping that she wasn’t babbling. “Thanks, Jaheira, you’re the best, you know that?”

“Yes,” the druid said in a dry voice. “I know.”

“Of course I am all right,” Edwin said. “It takes more than a little scratch like that one to stop Edwin Odesseiron, glorious Battle Wizard! (Ah, that does sound nice. I hope she likes it.)”

“Actually,” Jaheira chimed in with a biting look in her green eyes, “it would only have taken a few moments more to turn you into ‘Edwin Odesseiron, glorious corpse’. Try not to get stabbed too often, I do not have an infinite supply of healing spells you know.”

“I could have taken him! I was only…er…playing severely wounded to make him drop his guard.”

“Whatever you say, Eddie,” Zaerini said, smiling at the wizard. “Just try not to let it happen again, would you? I much prefer you live, and you had me really worried there for a moment.”

“Oh…ah…certainly.” Edwin staggered to his feet, swaying like a tree in full storm, and when the bard swiftly moved in to steady him he held on to her for perhaps a little longer than was necessary for medical reasons. “Though I would of course make a magnificent corpse, it would be nothing compared to me as a live wizard, my entire body filled with magical energies to enflame the senses and…”

“You are certainly full of something,” Anomen said, glaring at the wizard. “And as a corpse you would at least be silent, a definite improvement.”

“Yes, I expect you would know all about corpses. An inexpert healer like yourself probably has fewer living patients than dead ones. Come to think of it, have you ever treated a human being, or do you limit yourself strictly to other chimps? If you find it difficult to answer, try with one grunt for yes and two grunts for no.”

“I’ll treat you to a…”

“Not again!” Rini said, cutting the two arguing men off. “Can we please go downstairs and fight Mae’Var, rather than you two fighting with each other? Thank you.” As she passed by Edwin on her way towards the stairs, she mouthed ‘I want to talk with you later’ to the wizard, who looked both surprised and pleased.

Zaerini knew to expect the worst as she once again descended the dark stairs leading towards Mae’Var’s torture chamber. But as it so often is, the reality was far worse than anything she could possibly have imagined. The smell of blood was heavy in the air, the rack was fortunately unoccupied this time, but there was something else. A table, and a body had been tied to the table, very tightly, and then somebody had…gone to work on it. It was really amazing the things that could be done to a human body, the things that could be removed from it, while still leaving the person alive and conscious to feel everything. There were knives on the table, and a saw, and pincers, and some objects that looked like they could be heated up. All of them seemed to have been used, often and with great pleasure. Blood wasn’t the only smell in the air, burnt flesh was competing with it. Like Irenicus, Rini thought, staring in mute horror at the still living body on the table. She couldn’t even tell if it was male or female any longer, and when it moaned softly, indicating that some glimmer of life still remained, she almost threw up. Just like Irenicus.

Mae’Var was standing beside the table, holding an extra long knife. His arms were bloody to the elbows, and his sharp, bird-like eyes glimmered with pleasure as he turned to see the half-elf and her friends. “Come for me, have you?” he said. “I am not surprised. I still have friends you know, and they have told me. Come then. But first…allow me to dispose of my latest toy. I think it’s time I got myself some new ones, don’t you?” He stabbed the knife down into what was presumably the chest of the unfortunate victim on the table, there was a gurgling sound, and then nothing. Mae’Var laughed, a rich, deep, pleasant laugh of good cheer, as if they were sharing some kind of private joke.

Irenicus, Rini thought again, fighting the vomit down. Just like Irenicus. But no. Not exactly like Irenicus. In a flash of insight, she remembered, and she knew that what made Irenicus so especially frightening was that he didn’t gloat, or laugh, or seem to take any pleasure at all in what he was doing. He simply did it, for some reason that only he knew. Whereas Mae’Var was more or less a mad dog.

And mad dogs need putting down, she thought. She prepared herself for the battle, and once again she listened to the song of the fire in her blood.