Cards Reshuffled

When it comes to enemies, it is always best to keep them from knowing that you know they are your enemies for as long as possible. That helps you arrange for a satisfying way to strike at them when they least expect it.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

“That…that vain, selfish, annoying, aggravating, INFURIATING wizard!” Zaerini growled as she pounded down the stairs of Mae’Var’s guild and out into the street, pausing only to gather up a nervous-looking Aerie who was hanging about downstairs for some reason. “Aerie, what are you doing there? No, don’t bother telling me, I’m sure I don’t want to know.” Caught up in her rage, the half-elf turned to Jaheira. “Isn’t it typical? He runs out on me, he has me worried sick, and then when I finally catch up with him he pretends he doesn’t know me! And then practically the first word out of his mouth is a request for me to go kill somebody for him! I mean, what kind of behavior is that? How spoiled can you get? Somebody obviously neglected to teach him manners by indulging his every whim, but guess what?”

“What?” Jaheira asked, looking a little stunned. She wasn’t used to not being able to get more than a single word in.

“Well, I’m certainly going to! He didn’t even say he was sorry, did you notice that? But he will be. Oh, he’ll be sorry all right…”

“My lady,” Anomen cut in, looking deeply concerned. “Am I to take it that you…that you know that rude wizard?”

“Oh, I know him all right,” Rini said. “He’s extremely clever, and a very good wizard, and has a great sense of humor. And he’s totally obnoxious, and completely…completely…”

Adorable? Softpaws quietly inserted, and the half-elf had to bite her tongue in order not to repeat the word aloud.

Yes. NO! I mean…

Face it, kitten. You’re still totally besotted with him. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. He’s clever, and has sharp claws, and he’s able to keep up with you. And he’ll be good at mating.

How do you know that?

It’s in the way they move, kitten. I’ll show you some time.

But…

“My lady,” Anomen said, taking her arm and giving her a sincere look. “I fear I must warn you against having dealings with that wizard. The Red Wizards are not to be trusted, he will betray you as soon as he thinks he may gain from it.”

The bard was about to snap angrily, but she paused as she noticed the look of genuine concern in the young squire’s dark blue eyes. I think he really means it; he’s really worried about my safety. “Thanks, Anomen,” she said. “But I can handle this, I promise you.”

“So you may think, but you are a woman, with a woman’s tender and forgiving heart, and the scoundrel may use that against you to worm himself into your confidence. But fear not, my lady!” Anomen’s face took on an extremely determined expression and he adjusted the mace hanging at his side. “I will allow no harm to come to you, for I have sworn myself to your protection and will neither fail nor falter!”

“Yes, fine, but I’d rather handle Edwin myself and…”

“Oh!” Aerie exclaimed. The Avariel was looking very pale, and as if she was about to start crying any moment. “Do…do w-we have to discuss that…that d-dreadful, slimy, evil wizard?” Then she gulped as Zaerini rounded on her, shaking her finger under her nose.

“You just keep your mouth shut about him!” the bard said. “You don’t know him, and you didn’t even come upstairs to meet him, so I don’t see what made you an expert!”

Aerie was trembling a little as next she spoke. “Well…I…I only know what I h-heard in the circus of course. From…from Uncle Quayle.” A single crystal-like tear trickled slowly down her rosy cheek. “But I…I heard that he’s into…d-dark magic.”

“Wouldn’t surprise me. He always was into experimenting, he’ll probably try to build his own dragon one of these days.” Zaerini smiled fondly at the thought.

“And…and that’s not all!” Aerie had red spots on her cheeks by now and she was twining her golden hair nervously between her fingers. “I…I don’t know if I should tell you this b-but…”

“But what?”

“But…but I h-heard that he…that he does…b-blood magic.”

“Blood magic?”

“Yes…y-you know…with…with young v-v-virgins…” Aerie blushed heavily. “Abducting them and b-bathing in their b-blood to gain power, that s-sort of thing.”

Zaerini gave her an incredulous look, and then she started laughing in the Avariel’s face. “Edwin? Bathing in the blood of young virgins? That’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard. For one thing, he’d figure out a way to avoid the sticky, yucky bits and get the power anyway. He’s clever enough for that. And for another thing, he is not the sort who’d ever abduct a woman, virgin or otherwise.” Her face turned stony. “That I know.”

Aerie clasped a delicate hand across her mouth. “Oh! I…I s-said something bad, didn’t I? I…I am so sorry. I’m sure you’re right. I’m…I’m sure those girls were only…only friends.”

“What girls?”

Aerie simply laughed nervously. “I…I shouldn’t say…”

“WHAT GIRLS?”

“Well…Uncle Quayle told me…t-told me that…”

“WHAT?”

“That…that the wizard enjoyed the c-company of…of tavern girls and such. He…only m-mentioned it because he was worried for m-me, in case I ever met such a d-dangerous person.”

Rini exhaled slowly. Visions of dancing girls and barmaids were cavorting in front of her eyes, smirking at her and shaking their hips. She’s wrong. She has to be. She has to be. But what if she isn’t? He ran out on me, and he’s been gone for such a long time, and that note of his said nothing, and then he acted like he didn’t even recognize me right now. No! NO! It can’t be true. It can’t be. I’m angry with him, and I want to smack him for running out on me like that but…I…love him. Despite everything I still do love him. And I will find out what’s going on with him if it’s the last thing I ever do. And if he abandoned me for some girl I’ll…I’ll…I’ll go all Bhaalspawn on him, see if I don’t! He’s mine. The very least he owes me is an explanation. The half-elf gave Aerie a sidelong glance. The Avariel was still looking nervous, but she was also smiling slightly, as if she was feeling proud of her contribution. A little too proud.

“Thank you, Aerie,” Zaerini said. “I see things much more clearly now.” Eddie probably turned you down, didn’t he? And now you’re trying to get back at him by making me jealous. Well, I’m on to you now. I’ll make certain you two come face to face as soon as possible, and then I’ll learn what’s really going on here. Nobody hurts Edwin around me.

“I…I am glad to hear it!” Aerie said, smiling. “You…you aren’t upset with m-me then? I…I was only t-trying to help.”

“Of course not, Aerie,” Rini said in a polite voice. “I know what you were trying to do. Think nothing of it.” No, think nothing of it. Not until I get my claws properly into you.

Very good, kitten, Softpaws approved. Play with her.

Oh, I plan to. But for now, let her think that she’s safe. Right up to the point where I pounce on her.

“You know,” Jan said, grinning at the two women. “That does remind me of a story.”

“Jan, this is an extremely bad time!” Jaheira said.

“Yes, that’s what my cousin Calpurnia Jansen thought as well. You see, she had met this fine, strapping young gnome, a monkey-herder he was.”

“Monkey-herder?” the druid asked in a weary voice.

“That’s right, my sweetness! A fine, cheerful, polite young monkey-herder named Jorge.” The gnome paused, considering. “Well, I exaggerate a bit when I say ‘cheerful’, please don’t tell anybody. It’s very important to keep your facts straight in story telling or nobody will ever take you seriously. In fact, he was rather gloomy. And he wasn’t that polite either, downright rude he was. But at least his name was Jorge, and poor Calpurnia fancied him all the same, which proves that love makes people go more than a little crazy.”

“Is there a point to this?” Zaerini asked.

“Of course there is, your worship! You see, the monkey-herder wanted to impress her, so he went and bred himself the largest possible monkey he could think of. Taller than the treetops it was, and extremely ugly, very large in all ways. He called it ‘Mother’.”

“Why in the world would he call it that?”

“Similar personalities. Now don’t interrupt me, there’s a good girl. Anyway, Jorge did this while Calpurnia was out of time visiting relatives, since he wanted it to be a surprise. Then, he made a fatal mistake.”

“Which was?”

“He tried to ration the peanuts, since he was curious about what it’d do. Poor Jorge, he always was too curious for his own good. The ape immediately turned him over its lap and started spanking him soundly, and Jorge howled like a Banshee. This is when Calpurnia came home, and she heard the screams coming from inside the bedroom.”

“The giant monkey was inside the bedroom?” Anomen asked, sneering a little.

“It was, except for the parts sticking out of the roof. But Calpurnia couldn’t see those, since people tend to see only what they expect to see. So, she pounded on the bedroom door, demanding to know what was going on. Jorge told her to go away, but she wouldn’t listen. Finally he screamed ‘Mother is spanking me!’” Jan fell silent, an expectant look on his face.

“And?” Rini asked.

“And Calpurnia decided that this, as I said before, was a very bad time. She went away for good, married the local jailor instead and became very unhappy.” The gnome sniffed. “It’s a tragic love story, really.”

Rini felt as if her head was slowly drifting away from her body. “Right…” she said. “Thanks, Jan. That was very…helpful.”

“Always happy to help, your worship!”

“Minsc doesn’t understand!” Minsc said, looking puzzled. “Minsc wants to know what happened to the poor monkey.”

“Another time,” Rini hastily said. “Right now I think we should go and check out the house of the Cowled Wizard. I’m not saying we’ll necessarily kill him, but it can’t hurt to take a look around.” And then I think I’ll have another little chat with Master Edwin Odesseiron. In private, this time.