Cards Reshuffled

Family. Even if your family doesn’t include a crazy guy with glowing eyes who wants to cut you into pieces, your family can still cause you all sorts of problems. This can be completely unintentionally too, by their mere existence. For one thing, neglecting to mention that you have a family member keen on killing your girlfriend is <>not likely to make you popular with said girlfriend. Just a subtle hint.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

“Hold up, wayfarers,” the strange wizard whom Edwina had identified as ‘Degardan’ said. “I've a few queries for this lowly group of middling pilgrims.”

Zaerini gave Edwina a quick look, noticing the frozen look of apprehension on the other woman’s face. Of course she didn’t know exactly what was going on, but she could guess well enough, knowing that her lover had attracted the enmity of her former employers. For my sake. She did that for my sake. I won’t let her down now. “Never thought of myself as a pilgrim exactly,” she said. “But never mind. What do you want?”

Degardan’s cold eyes scanned the trio, and he picked an invisible piece of lint of his blood-red robe. “I am interested in the whereabouts of Edwin, a long-winded bag of gas. Homeland magics indicate this area to be a likely place for the vulture to roost. You look like adventurers, and such people are likely to encounter many a stranger on the road.”

“Really?” the bard said, hoping that the dryness of her mouth wouldn’t cause her voice to tremble. “Why would you be looking for this…’Edwin’ was it?” She kept a tight hold on Edwina’s hand, which felt frighteningly cold, and she didn’t quite dare look at her lover. Please, love. Don’t give yourself away. “Did he forget to write home or something?”

Degardan gave a dry little chuckle, that was reminiscent of bones rattling in an empty cup. “If so, I do not doubt that he would soon be made to regret it, given his dear mother’s temper. No, that is not it.” Those reptilian eyes stared into hers; never blinking, and the dry voice spoke on, eerily monotonous. “Edwin is a self-serving nerveless worm. He's gone rogue. He tithes nothing and has vilified the masters of the order and sullied their good names.” He made a disgusted face. “Not to mention openly rebelling against given orders, and outright attacking those above him. Shameful.” He gave Edwina a long and considering look. “You are a fellow Bloodcowl, woman. You will be interested in knowing that helping bringing this rebel to justice will go over well with your superiors. Very well.”

“Ahahaha!” Edwina nervously laughed. “Of course, of course. And even so, the slaying of a traitor is the highest priority of any Red Wizard, certainly. Should I come face to face with this ‘Edwin’ he will suffer a most lingering death. Oh yes indeed. Lingering. Of course, it could prove very dangerous. No doubt this ‘Edwin’ is a formidable foe, an extremely powerful wizard, capable of bringing down entire armies with his magic, and of summoning the fiercest of Hellspawn. (Not to mention charming, handsome, and devastatingly erotically compelling.)”

Degardan shrugged. “As it happens, his prowess as a spellcaster consists of parlor tricks and balls under coconut shells. Did I mention the fantastic reward as well? There is a king's ransom for the kind soul who would be so obliging as to turn the impotent imposter over to the proper judicial authority. ”

“Parlor tricks?!” Edwina began, her face outraged. “I’ll…” Then she fell into glowering silence as Zaerini pinched her arm hard.

“I’m always interested in rewards,” the bard said, forcing herself to smile at Degardan. “If I should happen to come across this ‘Edwin’ I will certainly let you know.”

“Right you are, your Worship!” Jan chimed in. “Nothing wrong with a spot of bounty hunting. In fact, one of my favorite cousins, Rutger Jansen, was an excellent bounty hunter. Brilliant career, just brilliant. All he needed to do was tell his clients a few carefully selected stories, and they all became very docile and came along as quietly as you please. It worked just fine, right up until he was sent after that rogue golem. Poor cousin Rutger found out too late that the golem was hard of hearing, due to being made from impure silicon, and it promptly broke his skull.” He sighed sorrowfully. “I guess it’s a sad fact that there are some deluded creatures who simply cannot appreciate a good story.”

Degardan was staring at the gnome, with that same stunned expression that most people wore upon meeting Jan for the first time. “Right…” he slowly said, holding out a small crystal to Zaerini. “Well, if you find out where Edwin is, simply rub this crystal three times and speak the code word, which is ‘Zazterral’. That will notify me of your whereabouts. His full name is ‘Edwin Odesseiron’, he is about your age, perhaps a little older, and extremely disrespectful and ill-mannered.” He paused, as if he had suddenly thought of something. “Oh yes. Do not attempt to take him down on your own, simply send for me. While Edwin himself should cause you no great difficulty, he may be…in company.”

“In company?” Rini echoed, utterly puzzled. What…he couldn’t know about us, or he’d already have confronted us. So just what kind of ‘company’ are we talking about here anyway? She glanced at Edwina, who had turned even paler than before, and looked extremely shifty. Just what are you up to anyway, Edwin Odesseiron? “What company?”

Degardan simply shook his head. “Never mind. You do not wish to tangle with that one anyway. As I said, if you spot Edwin, do not approach him in any way. Just send for me.” He turned to leave, giving Edwina a final glance. “Oh, and sister…you really should do something about that…that hair of yours. I realize these are barbarian lands, but certain standards should still be maintained.”

“I’ll thank you to stay away from my hair, you withered old prune!” Edwina spat. “It is hardly my fault if certain ancient fossils cannot come to terms with the fact that the world has moved on, and that what was fashionable in Szass Tam’s day is less than modern now. (Besides, I look even more attractive this way.)”

Degardan gave her a disapproving look. “Young people,” he said, shaking his head. “A proper shave, that would do wonders I’m certain…” Then he spoke again, his voice sharp. “And by the way, what is your name?”

“My…er…my name?” Edwina said, sounding rather panicked. “It…ah…my name is…er…Belladonna Sharvazzar. You probably never heard of me.”

“No,” Degardan said. “I can’t say that I have. And if you do not want your superiors to hear of you in a less than flattering way, you will remember your courtesies in the future, young woman. Good day to you.” With that he turned, and walked away, leaving behind a severely puzzled half-elf, an amused gnome, and a very nervous wizard.

“Edwina?” Zaerini asked once she was certain Degardan was gone, and once she had tossed the magical crystal into the gutter. “Just what was that about?”

The wizard fidgeted uncomfortably, twining a strand of black hair around her fingers. “Why Hellkitten…I already told you. About how the Red Wizards are upset with me, remember? (And what gall to use ‘zazterral’ for a code name…’braggart’ indeed. I never exaggerate when I speak of my magnificent accomplishments, it’s not as if I need to.)”

“No, not that bit. The other thing. About your ‘companion’. The one we ‘wouldn’t want to tangle with’. Now, I’m pretty sure it couldn’t have been Insufferable he meant, so it must be somebody else. Somebody that I really feel I ought to know about.” She put her hands on her hips, staring at Edwina. “So I’m going to ask you again. Who was he talking about? Some old girlfriend?” If it is, and if she turns up to cause trouble, then I’ll yank every strand of hair out of her scalp.

Edwina looked utterly horrified at this suggestion. “Girlfriend?” she squealed. “No, no…not at all. Definitely not.”

“Boyfriend?”

“NO! (Gah, what a horrible image, and now I’ll not be able to get it out of my head either.)”

“WELL WHO IS IT THEN?!”

The wizard’s shoulders sagged visibly. “All right, all right, I will tell you,” she said. “But not here, and not now. This needs to be dealt with in private, it’s…complicated.”

“Fine,” Rini said, her eyes narrowing. “I’ll hold you to it, you know. And you can stop batting your eyelashes at me. Yes, they’re long and pretty, and I love you and think you look utterly adorable, but I’m not dropping this.”

“I wasn’t batting my eyelashes! (And I don’t look ‘adorable’. Alluring, yes. Tantalizing, certainly. Intimidating, most definitely. Adorable, no.)”

“If you say so, Dread Wizard. If you say so…”

Meanwhile, Anomen was marching along the road heading west from Trademeet. The sun was shining from a clear blue sky, the grass was green, the flowers along the road were pretty, and the birds sang lovely tunes from the trees. Anomen wished they were all dead. Then, he changed his mind. He wished that he were dead, yes, that was it. If you were dead, you didn’t have to feel. You didn’t have to think. And you most certainly didn’t have to remember the most devastating moment of your life, the one that made even Cor Delryn’s appearance at the Order pale by comparison.

I thought she loved me. I really did. And it would have been so perfect, I had it all planned out. The flowers. The proposal. The…the first night together. He wiped at his eyes, not for the first time, grateful that there was nobody there to see him. Where did I go wrong? I prepared so carefully, doing everything properly.

And he had, too. Anomen shifted his backpack around a little, feeling the comforting weight of his true and trusted friends inside. ‘Knight in Shining Armor’…’My Lady Fair’…’Courtly Love’…even, yes even that very naughty novel called ‘Paladinic Passion’ that he only ever read under his bedclothes, blushing furiously all the while. He knew all of his favorite parts by heart, having reread them again and again, using them to form himself into the perfect image of a knight, every woman’s ideal man, surely. The better lines he had practiced diligently in front of a mirror, to make certain he got them right.

After all, clumsy and uncouth as I am, I couldn’t very well put faith in my own abilities with the fairer sex. When I speak from my heart, I constantly make a fool of myself. And yet…and yet she prefers the wizard. Why? How? Being rejected hurt bad enough. But being rejected in favor of another woman…that was a very bitter pill to swallow indeed. Father would probably say that it is because I am not a proper man in the first place. How he would laugh if he heard of this humiliation.

Even that wasn’t the worst of it though. I still love her. Helm help me, I still love her, and it hurts. Every time I so much as close my eyes I see…them…together. I can’t stop thinking about her. Why can’t I simply turn my feelings off…that would be so much easier. He had had to go away of course, at least for a little while. Seeing them together, seeing them happy together, that hurt too much to be born. And yet, a small, niggling voice at the back of his mind admonished him sternly. You have a duty to her. You swore to aid her in her quest. And you would throw that sacred duty aside, simply because you do not make her heart beat swifter? Is that the kind of knight you would be? A knight does not do his duty because he expects love, or anything else in return. He does his duty because it is his duty, even should he get nothing but scorn for it. That is the way of Helm. It didn’t help much though. He knew that the voice was right, but listening to it was too painful.

I might come back to her. Later. Nothing prevents me from doing so. And perhaps she will worry just a little bit in the meantime, and perhaps even regret…no! No! That sort of thought is uncharitable in the extreme! I am being childish again. Act like an adult, Anomen. An adult. Let me see. What would Sir Belvedere in ‘My Lady Fair’ do? Anomen thought about this for a few moments, and then reached the unfortunate conclusion that Sir Belvedere was never turned down by any woman in the first place, so probably couldn’t offer much advice. He did know who might though.

Moira. My dear sister, she will understand. She knows the workings of the female heart, she will know what I did wrong, I am certain of it. She will offer me the succor I need, and I will feel all the better for seeing her sweet face again.

Anomen marched off down the road, a fleeting smile on his face.

I cannot wait to see her again.