Cards Reshuffled

When you’re in love, you tend to act silly. Distracted for example, not really noticing the world around you. And if you’re both in love and seriously worried about something at the same time – then that’s even more dangerous stuff. You’ll be lucky to live.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

The sun was smiling down from a beautiful bright blue sky. Little birds were soaring high above the rooftops of Atkatla singing beautiful hymns to the kindness and benevolence inherent in all mankind. All right, it was mostly seagulls. And they were basically screeching hungry obscenities, but at least they were soaring. In the streets, people were shouting out cheerful greetings such as ‘Your money or your life’, ‘Move it, fatso!’ or ‘Sod off if you’re not buying anything!’, thus creating a pleasant counterpart to the seagulls.

Perhaps I have been mistaken all along. Clearly most humans have more in common with seagulls than any other animal. They’re loud, dirty, uncultured, and relieve themselves all over the place. Just look at the streets of this city! You’d never find a Thayvian street looking like this, with garbage and…and excrement all over the place!

How come, Boss?

Mainly, monkey, because anybody caught dumping their chamber pot out through the window will never again repeat the offence. Or be able to, for that matter.

Eeewww! Boss, that’s disgusting! Do you have to show me things like that?

And this comes from somebody who keeps urging me to ‘flaunt my bottom’ in public?

Yeah, but that’s different. Why do humans do that sort of thing?

Edwina shrugged, absent-mindedly reaching her hand up to her shoulder in order to stroke her familiar’s silky fur. The soft warmth felt…nice. Soothing, even. It is the law. And there is a point to it. There is far less disease now than there used to be, keeping the nation stronger.

The monkey pressed himself further into the palm of her hand, nuzzling it a little. Maybe, but it’s still gross. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand humans. D’you know what Softpaws says that her person likes to do?

No. And Softpaws shouldn’t go spreading tales.

Aw, come on, Boss! It’s no big deal. Anyway, Softy says that sometimes, when the Pretty Cat Lady wants to relax, she likes to get all naked, and then she…

NO! I do not want to hear this! Well, I do, but that’s beside the point. I mean…that is…it’s not right for me to know that. Not unless she tells me herself. Or shows me. And it’s not as if she’s about to do that anyway, not while I’m stuck in this ridiculous body.

I don’t think so, Boss. I think she’s far less likely to be shy about it at the moment, actually.

What?

Sure! She’s a woman…you’re a woman. It’s the sort of thing women do together, don’t you know?

Together…but…are you sure?

Just ask her if you don’t believe me.

Monkey, are you quite insane? I can’t ask her to…to… Edwina felt a hot blush spreading across her face, as she contemplated the end to that sentence. It wasn’t made any better as she turned her head to see Zaerini walking next to her. The half-elf’s red hair was gleaming in the sunlight, and she looked fully restored from the wound she had sustained during the battle with the slavers. Her step was light and graceful once more, her color healthy, and as she turned to smile at the wizard her golden eyes sparkled with mischief and good humor.

“Something the matter?” Zaerini asked. “You look a little hot.”

“Hot…no, no! Not at all!” Edwina lied through her teeth, fidgeting with her robe. Unfortunately, this reminded her of her female form, and that in turn reminded her of…

“Are you sure? You’re completely red in the face, you know. And sweaty too. And very tense.”

“Um…fine. Just fine! Insufferable is simply being…insufferable.”

The bard grinned at the little monkey, tickling him under his furry chin, and Insufferable chirped happily and quite shamelessly rubbed himself against her hand in a way that Edwina privately decided qualified as public indecency. “But he’s so cute…it’s impossible to resist him.”

See, Boss? I’M A LOVE MAGNET! Watch and learn, she adores me. I’ll be eating out of her palm any moment now.

Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?

Whatever for? I’d rather she feed me. Anyway, just watch me now! Yeah baby!

Monkey, NO!

There were a few seconds of silence.

“Edwina?” Zaerini eventually said, holding her hand up, Insufferable still attached to it. “Do you think you could pry your monkey off my finger? It looks like he’s getting a little over-excited, and I’m starting to develop friction burns.”

Edwina privately wished it had been possible for her to stuff herself into a Bag of Holding, and then threw it away. Or better yet, stuff her familiar into it. With a muffled curse she forced the monkey to let go, then plopped him down on her shoulder again. And STAY there!

What did I do? Is it my fault if you’re too shy to take the initiative?

I’m not shy! And I’m not about to start…to start humping her in public! I don’t want her to think I’m that desperate!

You are though.

Shut up.

“Anyway,” Zaerini said, “speaking of tension…when I feel tense there’s this thing I like to do that always relaxes me.” She looked thoughtful for a moment. “Maybe I could show you sometime.”

“Mmmggglllpp…” I don’t believe this! The monkey was right about something?

The half-elf gave Edwina a very strange look. “Are you sure you’re not ill? You’ve gone all red again. “What’s so odd about a bath, anyway? I’ve got these herbs Jaheira gave me, they make the water extra soothing and relax your muscles, I just thought you might like some.”

Edwina tried to kick her brain into functioning again. “But…I…you…bath?” Insufferable…you’ll pay for this, I swear it.

There was a distinct smirk to the monkey’s mental voice, and the annoyingly smug tone reminded Edwina of something, though she couldn’t think what. What? A bath was all I meant, Boss. You’re far more likely to get to bathe with her as a woman, or at least see her in the bath, I just thought you should keep it in mind. Is it my fault if you thought I meant something else?

I hate you.

No, you don’t, Boss. I’m only trying to help you out here. You still want her just as much as ever, female body or not, I’m only helping you get that straight and hopefully prod you into doing something about it. Oh…she’s got very nice hands, you know. Great touch. Mmmm…my fur is standing on edge here, can you feel it?

Edwina sighed as the party headed into the Government District, where at least the streets were clean enough that she ran no immediate risk of getting her sparkly red boots dirty. She’d only just got them clean after that whole sewer affair. I wonder how badly it hurts if you kill your familiar?

Once Zaerini had come out of the trance induced by her latest Reading, it had been a little while before she managed to collect herself, and gather her thoughts enough to try to make sense of it. She’d said that it hadn’t been as frightening as some of the others she’d done, but that it had been bad enough. What parts of it she had told Edwina about had certainly sounded extremely worrying. Aerie for one thing. That elf could be planning anything, but no matter what it was, it was going to be nasty. There had been the hands…restraining hands. And that voice, outwardly sweet, yet brimming with malice as the mask finally fell away. And then the rooftop…and the fight. Black knight. White queen. And the queen had fallen, but only just. Only just. Edwina shuddered, remembering just how much danger both she and her teacher had been in. She wants revenge on him too, perhaps even more than on me or my Hellkitten. And I can’t even warn him…and he’ll be coming here, won’t he? Sooner or later, he will. What if she knows that? What if she sets some kind of trap? What if…no! Preposterous. He can handle her, I know he can. But what if…

“Edwina?”

“Hmm? Ah…yes?”

“We’re almost there now,” Zaerini said, looking a little concerned. “Are you all right? You looked pretty distant there for a while. You’ll want to be alert when we meet this ‘Tolgerias’ fellow.”

“I am perfectly well,” the wizard snapped, uncomfortably about having let her worry show. “There is no way that little upstart of an Amnian hedge wizard can possibly match my magic.”

“Remember,” Jaheira said sharply, “we have not yet bought one of those licenses for casting magic in the streets of Athkatla. Doing so may bring down all the Cowled Wizards on our heads, and one will be quite enough for today I think.”

“And we don’t want him to start a fight either,” Zaerini added in. “Not here and now anyway. Not when he hasn’t yet led us to whatever it is I apparently need to do. The Hermit, remember? The ‘picking the moon’ thing, whatever that means? No, the Six of Coins is a nasty card, fully of greed and power misused, but we’d better not annoy him too much, at least not yet.”

“And you are certain this ‘Tolgerias’ is the one, my lady?” Anomen asked. The cleric’s armor was shining even more brightly than usual this morning, and Edwina was certain that she could smell something other than armor polish in the air as well. Roses? What…

“Yes, I’m sure. He did ask to meet with us a while back, and that fits what the Reading told me. And the Six of Coins wore a cowled robe too.”

“Minsc will crush all Evil Coins, or at least the Evil Wizards having them! Though the Evil Girl Wizard doesn’t have to worry, not unless she does naughty things before the keen hamster eyes of Boo!”

“You know, this reminds me of this story about my cousin Wilmer Jansen and his acquaintance with a certain lady wizard with a fondness for…”

Edwina mentally tuned out the random stream of gibberish issuing forth from the gnome’s mouth, focusing on the stones of the street in front of her, the wind in her hair, the way the sun warmed her back. Anything, really, other than the infernal little pest that was Jan Jansen. She was getting better at it too, these days she could block out at least one word in five. I have had plenty of practice after all.

So focused was she on not noticing where she was going, that Edwina didn’t notice that she had trailed behind the rest of the group. Nor did she notice that she had taken a wrong turn somewhere, managing to get separated from them as they headed for the Government Building. Not, that is, until a sharp branch jabbed her in the knee, making her yelp out loud. She rapidly caught herself, hoping that Anomen hadn’t heard. Or Zaerini. Or any of the others. Then she wished that they had heard, as she realized that she was on her own. Well, on her own apart from the angry mob surrounding her, screaming, cursing and jeering at the woman tied to a stake in the middle of the pyre. A woman with ebony skin and hair white like snow, with a proud and beautiful face and pointed ears. She was a Drow, and it looked as if she was just about to be burnt alive. Not only that, she was a Drow that Edwina recognized.

What in the name of Demogorgon’s second monkey head…Viconia?