Cards Reshuffled

There are different ways of dealing with pain, more or less practical. One way is to hide it, and keep it buried inside. That will work for a while, and help you function – but only for a while.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

She still felt…cold. Edwina pulled her robe a little closer, but it didn’t seem to help much. Perhaps she should have chosen a more…covering one. For more than one reason. Tiny shivers kept making her tremble every now and then, despite her best efforts to suppress them. I’m just a bit unsettled. That’s all. I’m a Great Wizard, no matter what gender I happen to currently be, and I’m not afraid of anything. I’m not. So there. And yet she couldn’t drive the dark thoughts away, the thoughts of what most probably would have happened to her if she hadn’t had magic with which to defend herself, at least if she had been alone. That disgusting creature, that filthy piece of snot straight out of a troll’s nose, he would have…it is intolerable! Of course, not every man is possessed of my own considerable charm and skill at seduction, but to try to use force…

Edwina swallowed heavily, hoping that nobody noticed. A would-be rapist would have disgusted her as a male too, certainly. Especially after having seen the look in her Hellkitten’s eyes as she was brought out of Reiltar’s dungeon. But now she completely understood the horror that she had previously only been able to guess at, and she wished she didn’t. Is this what it’s like for women all the time? That you have to be constantly on guard? That there are always oafish simpletons like that one, who cannot grasp the concept of a simple word like ‘no’, and who think that they have a right to put their grubby paws all over you just because you happen to have a stunning body? Yes, now she understood. She could feel it in her bones. Certainly people had tried to kill her before. That was all part of being an adventurer, or a Red Wizard for that matter. But this…this was somehow worse. This was being seen as something not quite human, a toy to be used for somebody else’s pleasure. She shivered again, wishing she could forget how it had felt. Anger, that was fine. But this…

Unconsciously, her hand crept towards her throat, caressing the ruby amulet that hung there. As always, it made her feel a little better. As if all would be well somehow, regardless of how bad things seemed at the moment. The amulet felt warm to the touch, and as she touched it light flickered briefly inside of it, responding to her, offering wordless reassurance. Edwina smiled faintly and tightened her grip on the ruby.

“Edwina?” Zaerini asked, turning towards the wizard. “Are you all right?”

“Oh yes,” Edwina hastily said, trying to look casual. “Certainly. Er…why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, you haven’t said anything at all over the past few minutes. Actually, you’ve hardly said a word after my talk with Jondalar.” Her eyes suddenly widened. “Please don’t tell me that you honestly think I did anything other than talk with him? I mean, he was pretty good looking, but he was wearing a pink thong for crying out loud! Really, how come there are all sorts of different girls here, but just one man for the female customers? And one wearing a pink thong at that? I call that unfair, don’t you?” She suddenly seemed to hear what she was saying and blushed furiously. “Er…not that I would want to buy the services of a courtesan, of course. You know I don’t, don’t you? It’s just the principle of the thing. Well, at least he was able to help us out, what with the stuff he told me.” She frowned, looking Edwina straight in the eyes. “Something is wrong. I can tell. Won’t you tell me about it?”

Go on, boss, Insufferable suggested from his perch on the wizard’s shoulder. Tell her. You’ll feel better afterwards.

No! I don’t want her to think of me as some kind of weak and useless fool!

Naw, she won’t do that! The little monkey patted the wizard’s ear with its tiny, clawed hand. Wouldn’t it be nice if it was she doing this? What you need right now, boss, is a nice grooming session.

I’ve told you before, neither of us have fleas.

Doesn’t have to be fleas, boss. Maybe you could…I don’t know…ask her to braid your hair or something?

“Maybe later,” Edwina told the red-haired half-elf walking next to her, after giving her familiar an annoyed look. “Not that there’s anything I can’t handle of course. You know nothing fazes me. (Well, almost nothing. Except possibly for that completely mesmerizing little thing she does when she yawns…)”

Zaerini nodded, her face utterly serious. “Of course I do. Later it is then.”

Yes, Edwina reasoned, perhaps she would tell the bard at least a little something of what had occurred upstairs. She had managed to convince Anomen to push the offending brothel visitor under a bed in a currently unused bedroom, stating that Zaerini would most likely be upset if she heard what had happened, and the cleric had reluctantly agreed. Oh, it had been obvious how he ached to spread the embarrassing tale around, but he had agreed. And once the body was under the bed, and the cleric had turned his back, Edwina had paused to make certain that the body in question became a dead body, courtesy of the knife she carried for cutting up spell components and such. She hadn’t wanted to use her magic, that would be too noisy and Anomen might have noticed and raised objections. And there had been a sense of rightness about doing it this way, and a temporary sense of satisfaction. It hadn’t been enough though. That sense of unease, of discomfort, it was still there, and vengeance hadn’t managed to get rid of it as she had hoped it would. So many conflicting emotions whirled in her head that she felt extremely confused. Perhaps it would indeed be a good idea to talk it over with Zaerini, though obviously she needn’t go into every detail of it. Briefly, she bit her lip. No need to mention the feeling of combined dread and humiliation for example. I’m all right now, anyway. I just need to sort things out.

She absent-mindedly fingered her amulet again as she followed the half-elf through the corridor in the backrooms of the Copper Coronet. I really wish I could ask Teacher Dekaras about all of this. Even if it meant having him see me like this. Her mentor would certainly be able to think of some way to help her, or at least say something to make her feel better. And it would be less embarrassing to admit to him exactly how bothered she had been by the whole incident than to the woman she loved. He’d fix things, somehow. I know it. I wish he were here.

Lost in her thoughts as she was, Edwina hardly noticed when they met up with Jan, Minsc and Jaheira, who were waiting in a side hallway. Nor did she pay much attention when Zaerini quietly explained about how the prostitute she had spoken to had explained about how the Copper Coronet brothel worked. He himself was there voluntarily, but more than one of the others were slaves, something that had made the half-elf quite angry when she heard about it. The anger was still evident in her voice, and in the way she scowled when she spoke of it.

Teacher Dekaras never used to like the slave trade either. I remember that he mentioned it more than once. I suppose it reminded him too much of other things.

By now Zaerini was telling the others about how the prostitute she had spoken with had told her about how they were also gladiatorial slaves, slaves kept for the sole purpose of dying and killing for the entertainment of others. They were apparently kept somewhere downstairs, under close guard, and you’d need a password to get inside. Fortunately, the man had known it, and hadn’t minded sharing it. Unfortunately, the guards inside would certainly attack anybody entering whom they didn’t recognize, password or not, and they were under strict orders not to relinquish the slaves to anybody.

“It is not right to keep people in chains and cages!” Minsc angrily said. “Little Rini, we must hurry to break these poor people out, and to give them swords so they can help kick evil Slaver Butts, just like Minsc and Boo!”

“I mean to,” the half-elf said, her voice still angry as she stalked towards the door leading to the gladiator quarters, the door that Jaheira’s group had found earlier. “I really mean to. I’ve seen enough chains and cages these past few weeks to last me a lifetime.” She knocked hard on the door, and Edwina almost thought she could see sparks flickering in the air at her touch, she was that angry.

“Yeah?” a voice growled from behind the door. “Password?”

“It’s ‘Spartacus’,” the half-elf flatly stated. “Now let us in.” As the door started to slowly pull open she took a step backwards, allowing Minsc, Jaheira and Anomen to move forward to flank her, even as Jan and Edwina readied themselves behind her. “Careful with your spells,” she told the two mages in a low voice. “We don’t want any of the slaves to get hurt.”

As the door opened, Edwina just had time to glimpse an unshaven face beneath a heavy helmet. “Hey!” the guard said. “You aren’t…” Then he was flying backwards through the air, as Jaheira’s quarterstaff struck him firmly in the chest. He slammed heavily into the barred door of a prison cell, and was silent. The battle was on, as four more guards rushed to their fallen comrade’s aid, two of them mages. Edwina fought as well as she knew how, but her thoughts kept trying to drift away, making it difficult to focus properly on her spells. Have to concentrate! Have to! Still, she had almost readied the words to a spell, and was preparing to cast it when she broke off in mid-chant, feeling horrified as she realized she had almost launched a Fireball into the middle of the melee. I could have harmed the others…I could have harmed her! Still shaken by her mistake, she failed to pay proper attention, and a glancing glow to her head took her completely by surprise.

When Edwina regained consciousness, it was to the unpleasant sensation of a throbbing head, with eyeballs that felt on the point of dissolving into pools of agony. However, there was also the pleasant sensation of realizing that said head was leaning against Zaerini’s lap, and that the half-elf was looking worriedly down at her, smiling in relief. Behind her, Edwina could just about make out Anomen’s angry scowl, and she felt a small surge of triumph. Choke on that one, Helm-boy! Perhaps I should get wounded more often if this is the result…

You’d just better not, Insufferable angrily protested. The little monkey was sitting on Edwina’s chest, giving the wizard a stern look. Then it grinned. But I’m happy you’re alive, boss! Here, let me give you a hug! Before Edwina could protest, the monkey hurried up towards her face, and then hugged her nose tightly, finishing off with a very wet and soppy kiss on her forehead. There! Feel all better now?

Monkey, how shall I put this…it is not your kisses that I dream about at night.

So go for it then! It’s not my fault that you humans complicate things. Just grab her tightly and smooch her! And then some sweet loooove!

“Hey there…” Zaerini said, smoothing Edwina’s dark hair back from her forehead. “Feeling better?”

“I feel conscious at least. Though with this headache, I’m almost starting to regret waking up.”

“Well, I’m happy you did.” The bard flashed Edwina a swift grin. “Really, you’ll have to stop getting hit on the head. A mage needs an intact mind, you know. Here, let me help you up.”

As she staggered to her feet, Edwina noticed that the room they were in was dominated by one thing. Cells. Rows and rows of barred cells all along the walls. There were people in the cells, watching the adventurers and the dead guards on the floor. Some looked frightened, some angry, some apathetic. There were mostly younger men and women, though there were some older ones as well. And then…there were the children. Not very many of them, but they were there. Edwina stared into one cage, where a small boy sat hunched up on the floor, knees drawn up protectively to his chest. His dirty blond hair hung lankly against his thin and dirty cheeks, and his eyes were dull with pain and fear. When I was that age I was safe. Happy, too. I never thought…I never saw anything like this. There were slaves about of course, but…nothing like this. “Why are they all still in there?” she asked, unable to take her eyes off the child who mutely looked back at her.

“The cells are locked,” Jan explained, “and I’m afraid the locks are too complex for me. But their leader, Hendak, that’s the big scarred fellow in the loincloth over there, he says that there’s somebody called ‘The Beastmaster’ around here, the keeper of the animals used in the arena, and that this person has the key. We were just waking for you to wake up before we went to get it.”

“Why do you even care, Red Wizard?” Anomen contemptuously said. “Your kind has never been known for compassion. I would have expected you to approve of vile practices like this, it cannot be that different to what you are used to.”

The words weren’t even a proper insult as such; they ought to have slid easily off her. And yet…they stung, stung badly. She couldn’t even explain to herself why they should hurt so much, it wasn’t as if she had any reason to care what the others thought, was it? Except for her of course. Her Hellkitten was different. “You know nothing of what I am used to,” the wizard spat. I will not explain. He has not earned that. “And as for the practices of Thay, I suggest you hold your fat mouth right now, or I will introduce you to some of the more exotic ones to further your education.” Pity I don’t know how to cast a Flensing. I’d like to peel the skin off his ugly face, layer by layer, like an onion. Then maybe he’d stop prancing around her and go hide in a hole somewhere like the unsightly little mole that he is. I’d do that in a heartbeat. But children in cages, there I draw the line. That shouldn’t be too complicated to understand, even for his miniscule mind. She turned away from the cage, forcing herself to look away from the child, and made a dedicated effort to sneer coldly at Anomen. “And I would enjoy every single moment of it, especially the bit when the fat melts clear off your face and oozes into your clothes.” Never let them see it when they’ve managed to hurt you. Keep the pain hidden inside, where none will see. Strike back instead, as hard as you can, and don’t let them see your blood. Don’t give them that satisfaction. She kept the sneer up with some effort, but it felt as if she was crumbling to pieces inside, and she didn’t know how much longer she would be able to keep her façade up. Home. I wish I were home.