In The Cards

Communication is, of course, very important to the aspiring bard. One important lesson to learn, no matter what you are trying to say, is that you must first make certain to have the complete attention of your audience. For example, no matter how stirring your poetry is, it won’t matter if the people listening are all thinking about what to have for dinner.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

He was the King of the World. Edwin felt as if he were floating along a goodly distance above the ground, head firmly lodged in the clouds. The day had been an eventful one, but there was really only one event that mattered to him at the moment. She kissed me! Strange…I never thought it could be a pleasant experience to feel as if the top of your head has been blown off, but there you have it. She kissed me! And it felt like…like magic.

Edwin was totally unaware of the fact that his eyes were coming unfocused and that a big smile was slowly spreading across his face, and he probably wouldn’t have cared anyway. Ah, my Hellkitten. She is so aggravating, so frustrating, so mentally annihilating and so…so utterly, utterly perfect. Clever, amusing, dangerous, witty…what more could anybody ask for? He managed to sneak a glance at the bard walking ahead of him. Oh, and beautiful. Mustn’t forget that. She kissed me! Granted she was almost unconscious at the time, but it certainly felt as if she meant it. I’m sure she did. I am, after all, the one man in the world worthy of such attention from her, she cannot help but know that. By now she must have been impressed by the dazzling power of my magnificent intellect and my razor-sharp wit and snappy repartee. Not to mention by my devastating good looks. Everything will work out.

The wizard suddenly stopped in his tracks, hardly noticing Jaheira prodding him in the back to make him start moving again. Except…there was that…that dream, wasn’t there? That awful, awful dream. He shuddered briefly as he remembered it. The red cat, with fire dancing in her wake. The large black wolf, surrounded by drifting snow. Both of them snarling in terrible pain, pain caused by him, and his own voice telling him that if he would keep them safe, then he must give them both up. No! I can’t do that! It isn’t fair to ask that of me. I can’t hurt them like that, either of them. I…I just can’t.

Zaerini turned towards him, a quizzical look in her golden eyes. She was smiling, and he forced himself to smile in return. After a few seconds the pleasant haze in his head was back. Maybe I can avoid it somehow. Yes, of course I can. Am I not Edwin Odesseiron, the most skilled wizard ever to walk the face of Faerun? Surely I must be able to keep them safe somehow, without…without losing them? Of course I can. And I will. He felt pleasant thrills along his spine as he envisioned the cat and the wolf, side-by-side, safe and happy. Then he looked deeper into those golden eyes and his silly and dazed smile slid in place once again. Yes…everything will be just fine…just…fine…

Edwin hardly noticed Imoen slipping off into the shadows before the party reached the Elfsong tavern. Part of him registered the fact, and correctly guessed where she might be going, but it no longer worried him as much as it had. After all, Teacher Dekaras said that he wasn’t interested in her that way. He promised me. And he always keeps his promises. He sighed briefly. I still wish she wouldn’t run around after him though. He’s far too busy to waste his time on her. He needs to stay focused on what he’s doing. He may not care about how dangerous the part he is playing is, but I do. Anything could go wrong, and he’s too stubborn to pull out in time. If he’s decided that something needs doing, then he’ll do it, even if he knows his life is hanging on a fine thread. He probably won’t even tell me if things turn ugly, he always wants to handle things on his own. And if I were to tell him that I worry, then he’d probably just look surprised that I could even think of such a ludicrous idea. He’d mean it too.

The Red Wizard had reached the steps to the upper floors now and was preparing to go upstairs, vaguely thinking that he needed to study his spells before he became too tired to think clearly. However, at that moment he heard an uncharacteristically firm voice next to him. “Hold on a m-moment,” Khalid said. “We r-r-really need to t-talk.”

Edwin frowned. “Can’t this wait until tomorrow? What could possibly be this important? (And if you want me to come up with a magical means to grow an artificial spine then you’ll simply have to make an appointment.)”

“N-no. It can’t w-wait.” Surprised by this strange display of resolve in the normally mild-mannered half-elven warrior Edwin suddenly found himself steered up the stairs and into his own room. Khalid sat on a chair next to the door, watching him in a way that the Red Wizard found seriously unnerving. It felt a bit like being unexpectedly menaced by a fluffy teddy bear.

“Edwin,” Khalid began, still giving him that strange look, “you d-do know that G-g-gorion wished for me and Jaheira to function as g-guardians to Zaerini, do you not?”

Edwin nodded, trying to figure out what the half-elf was getting at.

“And you know that we b-both care for her d-d-dearly?”

“Of course.” Ha! What does he know of ‘caring’ for her? I bet he doesn’t dream about her at night, or have every feature of her face and every nuance of her voice memorized as carefully as any spell. Mmmm…that face…

“Edwin!”

“Er…what?” the Red Wizard said, surprised to see Khalid shaking him by the shoulder, looking clearly exasperated.

“W-will you please stop drifting off and start p-paying attention? Now, as I was s-saying, we both c-care for her. We have no wish to see her h-hurt.”

Hurt? What is he talking about? Have they learned something new about Sarevok? Or is it something else? If somebody tries to hurt her they’ll learn not to provoke the wrath of the Dread Wizard! I’ll put so many curses on them they won’t be able to tell their face from an ogre’s backside. And I’ll make them smell like their own armpits, only magnified a hundred times. And then I’ll yank their upper lips back to cover their entire heads. And then I’ll send a Fireball up their…

“Edwin!”

“What?”

By now Khalid’s face was red with annoyance beneath his chestnut hair and he was breathing heavily. “Stop d-daydreaming! As I s-said, we don’t want to see Zaerini h-hurt. Now, I’m sure that you are a g-good boy deep down…”

The wizard fixed the warrior with a dark glare. “You will not call me that,” he stated, his voice soft but filled with menace. “You have no right to do so. Do you understand me?”

“…er…very, v-very deep down. And I’m sure you want only what’s b-best for her. But all the same, I would like to ask a-about your intentions.”

Edwin gave the half-elf a blank look, totally uncomprehending. Intentions? Whatever is he going on about? What intentions? He couldn’t know about my secret plan to eventually rule all of Thay, could he? No, he was talking about Zaerini. Intentions…intentions…how could I possibly haveany kind of intentions when she constantly seems to spin my head around like a top? When I’m around her I can hardly remember my own name, much less plan for the future, and I don’t even care. And…and she kissed me! I’ve never felt like this before, and I can’t even think of a name for how I feel…I’m sure nobody has ever felt like this before.

“Edwin!”

“Um…what?”

“You are d-doing this on p-purpose, aren’t you?” Khalid sighed and raked his hands through his hair. “L-let me try another way. How do you p-picture your future?”

“What, except for trying to avoid being cleaved in two by a maniac in spiky armor or talked to death by a stuttering half-elf?”

“Yes, apart from th-that!”

Edwin shrugged. “Nothing complicated. Simply to fully realize my potential as the greatest wizard of all times, with powers to rattle the foundations of the multiverse.”

“S-simply to…”

“Of course, immortality sounds like an excellent goal as well.”

“D-dare I believe that you mean that in a f-figurative sense?”

“Of course not. What would be the point in that?” Or at least I must achieve longevity, Edwin thought. After all, she is a half-elf. Her lifespan is longer than that of an ordinary human. I must be able to match that, I wouldn’t want to be old and withered while she is still as lovely as ever. But with my piercing mind and analytical skill I’m sure I’ll figure out a way to solve that minor problem. And I won’t cheat like El-I’m-so-special-because-I-bonked-Mystra-bighead-Minster either.

Khalid was looking positively despairing by now. “How about s-settling down?” he tried. “With that one s-special person?”

“Me?”

“No, another s-special person?”

“I suppose that would be nice…” Edwin said, thinking about it. And she is special. I never met anybody remotely like her. And she kissed me! Hm, I wonder how soon I could get her to do it again? I wonder what she’s doing now? I wonder if she’d like some company? I wonder if she’s thinking about me? Well, of course she must be thinking about me. She has excellent taste, after all. And she kissed me! I want to…I want to…actually I’m not sure exactly what I want, but I want it a lot. To make her happy? Yes, that’s it. I could try to make her kiss me again, that should make us both happy…I would do anything to make her happy…

“EDWIN!”

“What?”

“Please l-listen to me! And what are you d-doing with your b-blanket?”

Edwin looked down. For some reason he found himself clutching his blanket, squeezing it tightly to his breast while he gently stroked it with his other hand. “Er…hugging it?” he tried, certain that that particular statement lacked something when it came to suavity.

“Just s-stop,” Khalid said. By now he was gripping the hilt of his sword very tightly as if he wanted it to support him. “L-let’s move on to another s-subject. This is important so p-please try to p-pay attention.” The half-elf cleared his throat, and Edwin was surprised to see him blushing to the very tips of his lightly pointed ears. “Now, what do you know about how to…er…p-protect against…er…unwanted c-c-c-consequences?”

“What consequences?”

Khalid was stuttering so badly by now that he was almost unintelligible. “When a m-m-m-man and a w-w-w-woman l-l-l-love one another th-th-they like t-to h-h-h-hug in a special w-way and….DON’T DRIFT OFF ON ME!”

“There’s no need to shout,” Edwin huffed. “I’m not deaf. You were saying?”

“They l-like to h-h-h-hug in a s-s-special way and then…”

Hugging her is very nice. Not quite as intense as kissing, but still very, very nice. She is so warm, and her hair is so soft, and it smells like…like her. Sweet, but spicy as well. And she seems to fit so perfectly in my arms…of course everything about her is perfect. Even when she’s being deliberately annoying. She certainly knows the value of a good argument, and her insults are so keen, her wit so biting…just perfect. And then she’ll suddenly break off, and she’ll smile and…

“…and th-that is h-h-h-how it happens,” Khalid said, wiping the sweat off his brow with a large handkerchief. “You w-w-will remember t-to go g-gently, won’t you? L-like I explained? And t-to take the p-p-precautions I t-told you about?”

Edwin desperately tried to recall the past few minutes. He always hated to admit that there was something he didn’t know, and he didn’t want to let on that he had only heard one word out of five. What had the nervous half-elf been nattering about? He had no idea. Something about…being careful? And protective spells? He was pretty certain rabbits came into it as well, but wasn’t quite sure how. Probably it involved some sort of spell they wanted him to do, though conjuring rabbits hardly was a feat worthy of him. “Of course I’ll be careful,” he snorted. “I’m always careful.”

“G-good,” Khalid sighed, sounding very relieved.

“If you’re so anxious I’ll be happy to let you watch.”

“WATCH?” Khalid screamed.

Edwin frowned, puzzled at this violent reaction. “Well, if you doubt I can pull it off I see no other solution, insulting as it is to doubt my capacity in that regard.”

“C-c-capacity…”

“It’s not as if you know anything about how to do it properly. I, on the other hand, was already an expert by the time I was ten.”

“TEN?”

What is the matter with the man? He’s even more jumpy than usual. “Yes,” Edwin said, in the patient voice one might use to explain something to a dimwitted child. “I was trained in conjuration from an early age you know. I’m sure a few rabbits won’t strain me.”

Slowly, the faint light of comprehension and despair illuminated Khalid’s eyes and he put his head in his hands. “N-no,” he sobbed. “I’m sure it w-w-won’t…”

At that moment there was a brisk knock on the door and Zaerini strode into the room, smiling brightly at Edwin. “Hi, Eddie!” she said, her face practically glowing. “I just had a great idea. There’s a chessboard in mine and Immy’s room, I thought you might want to give me that lesson you promised me.” Then she broke off as she saw the quietly weeping Khalid. “What’s wrong with him?”

Edwin shrugged. “No idea,” he said, and the circulating gesture his forefinger described next to his temple indicated exactly what he thought. Khalid seized the opportunity to escape and practically ran from the room. On the landing outside he almost collided with his wife.

“Khalid?” Jaheira said. “Is something wrong? How did your Talk with Edwin go?” Then she took an involuntary step backwards as she saw the brittle smile on her husband’s face and the way a muscle in his cheek was twitching violently.

“I d-do n-n-n-not want to t-talk about it!” he said. And he never, ever did.