Aulava and Tiiro: The Outtakes

[Director]
Aulava: You're not going to pull that trick on me, are you? Please. I know every one in the book.
Tiiro: I’m not . . .
*Tiiro falls. There is a muffled thump, then a plaintive 'ow.' Aulava starts laughing.*
[Director]

---

[Director]
Aulava & Tiiro: (removing their hoods)
*They burst out laughing*
[Director]

---

[Director]
Aulava: (reading from cue board off camera)You illithid mongrel! Do you suck people's intelligence out because you need the brains, or because you (breaks off with a snort of laughter)! I can't say that!
*Tiiro turns, sees the line, and starts laughing*
[Director]

---

[Director]
Aulava: Pirate's . . . Sir, I still can't figure out how there can be such a thing as pirate's honor! It goes against being a pirate, doesn't it?
*Director opens his mouth to yell at her, but the secretary comes in holding the phone*
Secretary: Launcen, your wife's on the phone.
Launcen: (Taking the phone) Rosemary, I'm kind of in the middle . . . WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THE DOG HAD PUPPIES?! The dog is male . . . IT CAN'T HAVE PUPPIES! Well, okay . . . no, I'm fine . . . no, I don't think that would be . . . YOU DID WHAT?! HOW MUCH DID YOU SPEND?! Oh. Well, if the drapes look good . . . WHAT COLOR?! THE DRAPES ARE ORANGE?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!
[Director]

---

[Director]
Launcen: And I should have married you sooner. Then I would have gotten your wealth and the pleasure of killing you. Excuse me, my dearest fiancé, if I don't weep over your death. I'll be too busy counting the coins of your soon-to-be beggar family. Any regrets, corsair? Yes, I know your little secret. But the real question is, does your lover? (Gets a frightened look on his face and shakes his head vigorously) I can't do it, I can't!
[Director]
---

[Director]
Tiiro: And this . . . this is for you. (Slams club into Launcen's head, Launcen falls into the tank of water being used to film the Sea of Swords)
Launcen: (sputtering) I can't swim!
[Director]

---

[Director]
Aulava: Knock-knock.
Director: (sighs disgustedly) Who's there?
Aulava: Dwayne.
Director: (rolls eyes) Dwayne who?
Launcen: Dwayne the tank, I'm dwowning!
*muffled laughter backstage*
[Director]

---

[Director]
Tiiro: If anything, it's better that you've told me.
Aulava: (looks enraged, sits up, and punches Tiiro) I resent that!
[Director]

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[Director]
Aulava: You want me to WHAT?!
Director: Kiss him!
Aulava: I can't do that! That's disgusting!
Director: You two are supposed to be passionately in love, and you think KISSING him is disgusting?!
Aulava & Tiiro: (nod and turn slightly green)
[Director]

---

[Director]
Aulava & Tiiro: (kissing . . . and kissing . . . and kissing . . .)
Director: Okay, what's going on?! You two are up to something!
Aulava & Tiiro: (devilish grins)
[Director]

---

[Director]
Aulava & Tiiro: (kissing . . . and more kissing . . .)
Director: (looks slightly sick) Alright, that's enough. I think we're good!
Aulava & Tiiro: (smirks) Nope. Hey, prop people! We need more chocolate over here!
[Director]

---

[Director]
Aulava: Oh, it is (evil grin). What's brown and kinda sticky?
Director: (looks at her suspiciously) Chocolate?
Aulava: (shakes head) A stick!
*roars of laughter backstage*
[Director]

---

[Director]
Lord Starellon: AULAVA . . . err . . . what's your middle name again?
Aulava: Felicia.
Lord Starellon: Oh, yes. That's it. AULAVA FELICIA STARELLON. WHAT IN THE ABYSS ARE YOU DOING?! Err . . . I mean . . . was it the Abyss or the Nine Hells?
[Director]

---

[Director]
Maunu: HEY! LOOK EVERYONE, IT'S THE --- (keels over, puts his head on the table and starts snoring)
[Director]

---

[Director]
Maunu: Knock-knock.
Director: Aulava put you up to this, didn't she?
Maunu: (more insistently) Knock-knock.
Director: (sighs) I know she put you up to this. What's she paying you with, Evermead? Firewine? Luskan brandy? Look, we don't have time for this.
Maunu: KNOCK-KNOCK!
Director: (really pissed-off by now) FINE! WHO'S THERE?
Maunu: Oswald.
Director: Why me? Why? Kelemvor, Tyr, Helm, Bane, Cyric, Talos, any of you! Whoever's listening, kill me now, would you?
Maunu: (prompting) Oswald.
Director: As long as it isn't that idiot gnome Fiddlebender who crashed his airship into my great-great-grandmother's home up in Targos. Hmph. Oswald who?
Maunu: (Cheshire cat grin) Oswald my gum.
*snickers backstage*
[Director]

---

[Director]
Director: And . . . action! (Whispers) Psst . . . what's taking so long, Jan?
Jan: Me?
Director: Yes!
Jan: Me?
Director: Yes!
Jan: Me?
Director: (shouts) HAVEN'T YOU BEEN LISTENING?! YES, YOU!
*long pause*
Director: (loud whisper) JAN!
Jan: Now?
Director: Yes!
Jan: Now?
Director: Yes!
Jan: Now?
Director: (shouting) ARE YOU DEAF?! YES, NOW! Ah, ditch this! CUT! We're doing the Jansen story over!
*moans backstage*
Director: SHUT UP!

---

[Director]
Viconia: You realize, darthiir, that this is another one of those problems that will begin innocently and escalate into a web of lies that will end up getting your abbil killed, do you not?
Jan: You know, this reminds me of that time, waaaay back, when my great-uncle's cousin's oldest son by his fourth marriage tried to fly off of Toril.
Anomen: That's preposterous! Gnomes can't fly!
Jan: (winks) Of course they can, Ano! Give them an airship and they could fly all over Faerun, which is what my mother's grandmother's uncle on her father's side, once removed, tried to do. His name was Lucinda, back when the Jansens were still intermarrying with the Fiddlebenders of Icewind Dale. Too bad they're not on speaking terms anymore, because of that awful family squabble about griffin rights. So ---
Keldorn: His name was 'Lucinda?'
Jan: (looks puzzled) Yes, that's what I said. (pause) Oh, you mean his name is rather, hmm, shall we say . . . feminine? Well, that all had to do with when Lucinda was born, and his mother didn't know he was male --- I mean, aren't all people really equal on the inside? Does it really matter what kind of equipment they have?
Flikka: Jan, do you realize that you have managed to tell parts of three stories while we've been sitting here, not one of them is the one in your script, and the director hasn't stopped you yet? DIRECTOR?!
[Director's Personal Assistant: I'm sorry, but the director is currently taking a coffee-and-Advil break. Can I take a message?
Actors: (groans as Jan continues his story)]
---

[Director]
Aulava: Yeah. Father said he can't keep it quiet any longer. Don't know what the fuss is about, though . . . all we did was get mad at each other . . .
Tiiro: . . . meet each other at midnight . . .
Aulava: . . . go on a hayride . . .
Tiiro: . . . get abducted by pirates . . .
Aulava: . . . kill my fiancé . . .
*Launcen runs across the stage*
Launcen: I'm not dead! I'm not!
*Aulava and Tiiro ignore him*
Tiiro: . . . kiss each other . . . (snorts, starts laughing. Aulava follows)
[Director]

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[Director]
*The actors have formed a line on the stage and are singing loudly and raucously while doing a chorus line routine.*
[Director]