In The Cards

Not everybody knows it, but sometimes death can be a mercy. There are some fates too cruel to be born. Everlasting pain, humiliation and madness. What is death, compared to that?

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

"It is as I always say, fair one. The essence of pleasure is spontaneity. If you wish to achieve the greatest of pleasure, you must needs give in to your whims."

Rini gave Coran an appraising look. The elf was walking by her side, his step light, his smile carefree. The remark could be interpreted innocently enough, she supposed. But from what she had seen of the archer so far she wouldn't bet on it. He was an outrageous flatterer, and his comments frequently had her rolling her eyes. A small part of her couldn't help enjoying them though. Back home…in Candlekeep…they all thought I was a freak. It's not as if I take him seriously or anything but…it's just nice to hear somebody tell me that I'm pretty. And he certainly sounds like he means it.

"Whims, Coran?" the half-elf asked. "What kind of whims would those be?"

"Yes, please do enlighten us," Edwin sneered. The wizard was walking on her other side, looking a bit like a red-robed thundercloud. Whenever Coran moved a little closer to her, Edwin did as well, with the result that she was starting to feel rather hard pressed. "Frolicking on flowering meadows?" Edwin went on. "Talking to trees? No, wait. Let me guess. Going by your looks, it would have to entail frenzied mating with feral pigs. Yes, I'm sure your mother was very…spontaneous."

Coran had gone a bright red, even to the very tips of his pointed ears. "Insult my mother again, wizard, and you will find out firsthand about the swiftness of my sword."

"Ah, yes. That reminds me. Your…sword. It almost has to be 'swift', for you to have had time to enjoy all those liaisons I distinctly heard you boasting of to Khalid earlier. Pity you never learnt that females aren't necessarily impressed by…swiftness. Rather the contrary, in fact." The wizard gave the elf a condescending look. "But a creature of your limited intellectual capacity can hardly be expected to comprehend the finer points of the art of erotica. (Just try to keep yourself from going 'Oink' at the height of your passion and you may yet be able to find yourself a mate. I would offer to summon an ogress or two, but I fear you wouldn't meet their standards in any way.)"

Coran was baring his teeth in a snarl by now. "I'll…kill…"

"Would you look at that!" Zaerini interrupted in a forcedly cheerful voice. "There's somebody standing over there, on the other side of that river. Coran, why don't you go on ahead to scout?"

The elf bowed briefly, still scowling darkly at Edwin. "As you wish, fair one," he said. "Though I would greatly enjoy teaching this prattling fool of a human a lesson I shall obey your smallest command, and gladly." He hurried off.

"What's wrong with you?" the bard hissed as soon as Coran was out of hearing. "Do you want to get into a fight to the death with him?"

"The man is an imbecile," Edwin stubbornly insisted. "I'm simply trying to make you realize that he is not fit to be a member of our group."

"By implying that his mother consorts with pigs? Eddie, I agreed to hunt Wyverns with him. That's it. He'll probably want to leave once we're done with that."

"No, he won't!" the Red Wizard declared angrily. "He's already sniffing around after you like…like a cat on the prowl! It will only get worse. You can't be alone with him, it's not safe."

"I'm sorry," Zaerini said, her golden eyes suddenly flickering hotly. "I don't think I heard that right. I'm sure I couldn't possibly have heard you telling me what I can or can't do."

"Somebody has to look after your interests if you're too besotted to do it yourself."

"Besotted? Besotted?! I've only just met the man! Who do you think I am?"

Edwin took her by the arm and pulled her closer, looking directly into her eyes. Conflicting emotions flickered rapidly across his face. "I think you're a woman seeing what she wants to see, rather than what is actually there," he said in a low voice. "I tell you, that elf will only cause you grief if you…if you choose to take up with him. I…don't want to see that happen."

He really cares about you, kitten, Softpaws said. I think that's very sweet. Don't you?

I…I suppose you're right, Softy. It…it really is. But he mustn't think that he can order me about. "Edwin," the half-elf said, briefly touching the wizard's cheek. "Thank you for your concern. But there really is no need for you to worry about me. I'm just fine. Please don't let Coran get to you so much."

"Very well," the wizard muttered darkly. "If you wish it, I will refrain from transforming him into a spotted toad. For now. But if he dares to touch…er…that is…if he should in any way annoy you he will be dining on raw flies and sleeping on a lily-pad."

The bard smiled mischievously. "And I wouldn't have it any other way."

The stranger Zaerini had spotted turned out to be a teenaged boy, huddling miserably on the other side of the river. He was tall and skinny, with wispy blond hair, and his red eyes indicated that he had done a fair bit of crying recently.

"This is Tiber," Coran explained once the rest of the party reached them. "I think he had better tell you himself what his worry is."

"Y-y-yes," the boy sniffed. "I…I am sorry to trouble you, but I…I really need your help."

Rini felt her heart go out to him. He looked so utterly miserable. "What's wrong?" she asked. "Tell me, and then we'll see whether we can help you or not."

It was almost painful to see the way new hope dawned in those blue eyes. "Thank you! Thank...you....it's my brother you see. He and I went into the Cloakwood to clear the woods of the spider colony that infests it. I know it sounds foolish.....but my brother had found the sword 'Spider's Bane'! The sword was created to kill spiders....and we thought we could become famous....the heroes of Cloakwood, and all that." Tiber's voice cracked slightly as he went on. "He told me to wait here, and that he would come back for me soon. But my brother hasn't returned yet....and it's been more than a week. Please, could you go into the woods and find him for me......my mother would be so shattered if Chelak were to be dead."

Imoen looked almost ready to cry herself. "Rini, that is so horrible," she said. "We have to help him."

The half-elf nodded. She really felt for the boy. I have lost kin myself. How could I not want to help somebody else avoid losing his? "We'll see what we can do," she said, patting Tiber on the shoulder. "It we find your brother, we will bring him back to you. I promise."

"Th-.thank you!" Tiber stammered. "Thank you so much! I'll…I'll just wait right here then. His…his name is Chelak. Did I say that already? Oh, I just know you'll find him!"

As the party headed into the forest Zaerini called a brief halt. "We should probably be wary around here," she said. "There's no way of knowing what lies ahead, and something obviously kept Chelak from coming back."

"Yes," Jaheira agreed. "We should be as careful as possible. Perhaps it would be wise to do some scouting ahead."

"Hey, no problem!" Imoen cheerfully said. "I'll take care of it, don't ya worry."

"No, no little girl," Coran said with a bright smile and puffed his chest out. "This is dangerous. You'd better let a real professional handle this."

"Oh?" Imoen said, looking very innocent. "And who would that be?"

"Why, me of course!" He tossed his head proudly. "My skill is great, but should it not be enough then luck will surely favor me." He winked at Zaerini. "After all, luck is always on the side of the romantic." He gave her a smoldering look. "I'm sure it will be deathly perilous - but great peril yields great beauty. And perhaps it might even make great beauty yield, hmmm?"

"And perhaps you would like me to see if your tongue yields enough to be used to strangle you before you make me vomit," Edwin muttered. "That would be a most interesting experiment, I think."

Zaerini gave him a disapproving look. "Go ahead, Coran," she said. "Let's see what you can do."

"Would that I could display all of my skills, lovely one," the archer said, "but right now you shall have to settle for that of securing the path for your dainty feet." He hurried off with a wave.

Dainty feet? Rini thought, staring at her own feet. Not that they're huge or anything, but I never heard anybody call them that before.

"I give him ten minutes," Jaheira calmly stated and Khalid nodded agreement.

"Five, at the most," Edwin said.

"Two," Imoen contradicted him. "He's no good. No real professional would boast like that. I bet he's really good at sneaking into bedchambers though."

"Oh, come now," Zaerini protested. "Surely he can't be that bad…" A loud scream interrupted her.

"Wanna bet?" Imoen asked with her most innocent smile as she casually juggled her lockpicks.

There were strands of webbing all over, Zaerini soon noticed as she ran deeper into the forest. Sticking to the grass, clinging to the underbrush, strung between the trees. Thick, gray, sticky webs. Once her boot stuck and she had to yank herself free with all her strength. She privately decided that she'd rather not meet the spider that had made those webs. Coran was still yelling, so at least he had to be alive. Once she came into a clearing the half-elf stopped briefly, staring at the sight ahead. Webs were everywhere. In the midst of the a group of giant spiders clung to the strands, long hairy legs moving leisurely as if they were communicating with each other. Coran had apparently been careless enough to step into a trap. He was now hanging upside-down from a large tree, his left ankle caught in a rope of webbing, and he spun slowly around and around as a fat old spider attempted to wrap him into a cocoon of spider silk for later consumption. Most of the spiders were gathered in one big cluster though.

"Edwin?" the bard whispered. "Want to help me out here? I think a little fire ought to do the trick."

"Certainly," the wizard agreed. They both started chanting their spells at the same time, keeping their voices low so as not to alert the spiders. Two large fireballs struck the group of spiders, turning them into blackened husks and burning their webs away. The one up in the tree chittered angrily and charged, but a few well-placed arrows from Imoen and a swing or two from Jaheira's scimitar rapidly dealt with it.

"Well, that's that," Rini said. "Let's get Coran down and…" She paused. There had been a noise. An angry, chittering noise. And then a group of ten more spiders burst out of the undergrowth, led by two of the ugliest creatures the bard had ever seen. They were black and covered with bristly hairs, with thin legs, dragging arms and huge potbellies. The faces were incredibly ugly, but there was a general impression of long fangs and hungry red eyes.

"Ettercaps!" Edwin hissed. "Be careful, they're highly poisonous." He hurriedly used one of the wands he carried and a group of six large wolves ran at the spiders, growling and snapping, crippling the creatures by tearing at their legs.

"Khalid, fall back!" Rini ordered. "Jaheira, keep them off us!" The druid was already chanting a spell, and then vines and leaves exploded up off the ground to snatch ettercaps and spiders alike, holding them fast. Imoen was firing arrows as rapidly as she could, fire arrows that burned as well as they pierced. Have to take out as many as possible before they reach us, Zaerini thought. Must watch out for that poison. She did have another Fireball memorized, but she didn't dare use it at the moment for fear of burning out Jaheira's entrapping plants. A Magic Missile at least served to take one of the spiders out. Two had got loose now, and Khalid and Jaheira were engaging them while Edwin started another spell. Bluish-white lightning flashed from the Red Wizard's fingertips, bouncing from one spider to the next. When it was done only two remained, and those were easily dealt with.

"Coran, what exactly happened?" Zaerini asked once the elf had been released.

The archer flushed slightly. "Ah…a slight mishap, my lady," he said. "These creatures are most cunning, concealing their traps in the most fiendish of manners."

"What, like this?" Imoen innocently interrupted, pointing at a thin strand of webbing that was stretched across the path. "That's not very difficult to spot, is it? I don't think it is. Do you think it is? All you need to do is use your eyes properly, or so I've been told. I could help you, if you want. I'm very good at spotting traps."

"Ah…," Coran said, looking highly embarrassed. "I don't…"

"Do as she says," Rini told him. "We don't want to walk into another trap." The elf obeyed, but he looked highly put out at the idea of the young human girl taking the lead. He looked even more annoyed when it became painfully clear that she knew what she was doing.

"See?" Imoen said as she snipped off another strand of trap-webbing. "This isn't so difficult, is it? I'm sure you could learn it if you tried." For some reason Coran didn't look very appreciative of this helpful comment.

It wasn't long before the adventurers came upon the cave, or rather the nest. It was spun from spider silk, thick and sturdy, and there was a dark opening that seemed to beckon invitingly.

"I never had any particular wish to step into a spider's house," Rini muttered, "but I think we're going to have to. If Chelak is still alive I have a feeling that's where we'll find him."

"Either way, this expedition hasn't been an entire waste of time," Edwin said. "I did manage to harvest some ettercap poison earlier."

"What could anybody possibly want with that fiendish a substance?" Coran asked with an air of distaste.

The wizards raised an eyebrow in mock surprise. "You never heard of ettercap poison?" he asked. "What kind of a rogue are you? It's extremely deadly, and extremely valuable. (But I suppose he wouldn't know. The only things he ever stole were likely other men's wives.)"

The smell inside the nest was hot and musty, making Rini feel like she was about to sneeze at any second. The sneeze stuck in her throat however, once she saw what awaited inside. It wasn't the spiders or ettercaps that bothered her. It was the woman. Or rather, what had once been a woman. She was bloated, huge, an obscenely bulging mass of fat, far surpassing any normal obesity. Tiny arms and legs, shrunken into uselessness, stuck out from the gigantic torso and waved impotently in the air as she spotted the intruders. Her hair had mostly fallen out, her eyes were hard and glittering with madness and pain. And from her massive belly webbing protruded, webbing and eggs. Spiders swarmed all over her.

They're…they're feeding on her! The bard tried her best not to vomit. Laying their eggs on and inside her body and…and…she knows exactly what's happening to her. And yet, the spiders seem also to be partially under her command…

As if in response, the massive creature opened her mouth and spoke. "My spiderssss," she hissed. "Kill them! Kill them all!"

"Hey wait!," Imoen protested. "We've come here.......to...to benefit from your divine wisdom. Let us speak."

The woman's tiny arms waved again in strange and meaningless patterns and she licked her cracked lips. "You've come here to learn from my infinite wissssdom? Sssspeak quickly!"

What do I say? Zaerini thought, her mind racing quickly. What could I possibly ask her?

You could ask her how come she's so fat, Softpaws suggested.

Softy, you're not helping here.

"What's your name?" the bard eventually decided on, thinking it a nice, neutral question.

The spider woman thought for a moment, as if she was trying hard to recall something long forgotten. "My name isss....isss.....Centeol, yesss, that is my name."

"Oh. Centeol. That's nice. Er…how did you wind up here?"

Centeol's eyes widened, shining with hate. The spiders raced ever more quickly across her disfigured body. "I am cursssed," she said. "The arch mage, Jon Irenicus. He did this, cursssed me into…into thissss! I loved Jon, but now I hate him, as I hate you and everything. Spiderssss...kill them all." The last was uttered with a scream of pain and rage.

As the spiders and ettercaps charged Rini could see Edwin muttering under his breath, his fingers moving swiftly as he cast a spell. She hadn't the time to ask what it was though. Coran was proving that even if he was no good at finding traps, he was an excellent archer. Two spiders were down already, looking rather like giant pin cushions. There were others left though, including two great black ones with sharp ridges protruding from their legs. It was with dismay that Rini could see one of those ridges slash Imoen's leg open, ripping up a bleeding wound that made the thief stumble. Before she had the time to react Jaheira was already there though, holding the creature off while Khalid finished it. The bard concentrated on using her own bow, picking off the beasts as quickly as she could.

When it was over, Centeol was the only foe left alive and breathing. Oddly enough, she no longer looked hostile.

"A charm spell," Edwin explained. "I thought it might be beneficial to question her."

"Good idea," Zaerini said, carefully approaching the spider-woman. Behind her she could hear Jaheira casting a healing spell on Imoen. It seemed her friend would be fine. "Centeol?" she told the unfortunate creature. "I am your friend, and you can trust me. Who is this mage you spoke of? This Irenicus?"

Centeol hissed quietly. "Jon," she said. "Jon Irenicus, the Archmage. I…loved him once, you know. But I crosssed him, plotted againssst him to win hissss love. Pointlessss. He cannot love. He isssss dead insssside. Sssso he cursssed me inssstead, twisssted my body, put me here asss an…experiment. Ssset the spidersss to feed me, and to feed on me. I cannot even essscape the conssstant pain into death. If you were truly my friendssss - you would kill me."

There were tears in the half-elf's eyes by now as the horror of that miserable existence came to her. "Don't worry, Centeol," she said, her voice thick. "We are your friends. I promise." And as she drove her sword home, for once she was glad of that part of her sire's heritage that helped her find the proper spot so easily.

"Irenicus," Edwin said, deep in thought. "I don't recall ever hearing that name before."

"Me neither," Rini said with a shudder as she gazed upon Centeol's sad remains. "And I hope I never will again."

"L-l-look here!" Khalid suddenly exclaimed. "I f-found him! He's alive!" What the half-elven warrior had found was the body of a young man, wrapped up tightly in spider silk and tucked into a corner of the nest. He was pale and sweating, but also cold, and his breathing was quick and shallow. "J-Jaheira? He is p-poisoned."

"I can do nothing," the druid grimly answered. "I have no proper spell handy. Does nobody have an antidote?" There was no answer. "Then I fear he will die. I can attempt to heal him, but the poison will still run its course."

Not so, kitten, Softpaws remarked, watching the unconscious man intently. Remember your dream?

And she did. Zaerini crossed the floor as if in a trance and knelt down by the wounded man, touching his brow lightly. Reaching deep inside herself she summoned the power she knew lay dormant, waiting. She had done it in her dream. She could surely do it again. She touched the wrongness, the foulness inside the man, and she drew them out, purifying him. When it was done he sat up, still looking pale and drawn, but very much alive. He was a young man she saw, with the same white-blond hair as Tiber.

"You…you saved me," he said with great wonder. "Thank…thank you my lady." Then he stumbled to his feet. "I…I must get back at once. My brother…Tiber…he is waiting for me. He must be so worried!" He handed her a sword, a large twohander that shimmered in purple and indigo. "Please…take this. It is Spider's Bane, the famous sword. It is obviously not for me to carry, seeing what a mess I made of things. I have a regular one, that will see me and my brother back to Beregost. Thank again, I can never repay you for what you've done." He smiled weakly and walked out of the nest in the direction of the river.

After the party had set out once more, Coran was soon back to his irrepressible self. "A sad fate," he said. "To be thrown off the path of adventure that easily, I mean." He smiled widely at Zaerini. "But you, oh fiery one, have more passion in your little finger than most have in their entire body. I can tell it. You live as I do, knowing that life is an adventure, and without adventure it is no life."

"Hm. Flattering words."

"True ones. Now, let's get back to the issue of getting pleasure out of spontaneity…" And then he screamed with horror as he stared at his hands and arms, suddenly covered with large and unsightly warts and boils. His face was much the same. "Errrgh…," Coran said and dropped to the ground in a dead faint.

Zaerini slowly turned around, looking Edwin straight in the face. The wizard had a very satisfied gleam in his eyes and his smile was even wider than Coran's had been. He shrugged when he saw the bard's accusatory glance. "What?" he said. "I was only trying to be spontaneous, as he suggested. Giving in to my whims, the way he said." His smile widened just a little bit more, taking on a predatory quality. "And it certainly gave me pleasure."