In The Cards

You think your familiar is going to be your obedient servant, obeying your every whim? HA! Take warning. Many is the wizard who finds his own life taken over completely by some bossy creature who selects his wardrobe for him, tells him what to eat, and possibly even tries to rearrange his social life for him.

Excerpt from 'On Familiars'

Swelling blue flowers of fire. Sparkling rains of red and gold. White lightning shooting into the sky. Zaerini shut her eyes for moment, pressing the palm of her hand against her eyelids to help strengthen the memory.

Well, kitten, Softpaws commented from her place on the bard's shoulder. Looks like you really enjoyed those fireworks the other day.

Oh, I did. I really did. Who would have thought Eddie could pull off a thing like that?

Speaking of your wizard, perhaps you should have a word with him. Looks like he's a little preoccupied.

He's not my wizard, Zaerini retorted automatically, but she turned her head to see what her familiar was talking about. What she saw worried her. The adventurers had started out on their way from Beregost this same morning. It had been raining on and off all day, a light rain that nevertheless managed to seep into most of your clothes. At least they'd found a reasonably dry place to camp under a rocky overhang once they got into mountain country. Khalid and Imoen were taking their turn at cooking, Rini could hear them discuss just how much green pepper was 'too much' and evidently disagreeing about it. Jaheira was standing guard a little further off, motionless like a statue.

Edwin was sitting by himself on a flat rock, ostensibly studying his spellbook. Now that she thought about it though, Rini noticed that he wasn't turning the pages. He didn't even seem to see the book at all, rather he was staring into empty space. In fact, once she took a closer look she could see that the book was upside-down. The half-elf walked over and sat down next to him. "Edwin?" she asked. "Something wrong? You've been awfully quiet all day. You're not ill or something, are you?"

The wizard turned his head, his face tense under the cowl of his red robe. "I…am well," he said. "Nothing the matter whatsoever."

"Are you sure? Because you look like somebody just died." She thought she could see him wince at that. "I don't mean to pry or anything. It's just…well…if you want to talk about it I'm right here."

For a second Zaerini thought he was going to say what was bothering him. Then it seemed a door slammed shut behind his eyes and he shook his head briefly. "I…I can't," he said. "Not with you. Not with…anybody. (I have to do this one alone. Somehow.)" His face tightened and he stared down into the book again.

"If you're sure…but if you don't want to say what's bothering you, perhaps you'd like some company anyway while you think it over?"

"I don't need that," Edwin snapped. "I can manage on my own. (I can. It may feel like a balancing act on a slack rope over molten lava, but I can manage. Surely I can.) Your insufferable prying is only making this worse."

The half-elf was starting to get angry herself by now. "Fine!" she said. "There's no need to be rude about it, you know. I was only asking. I'll leave you to be miserable then, if that's what you want."

"Good! (Insufferably nosy woman.) At least you aren't deaf as well as intrusive."

"Fine! And you are unspeakably ungrateful, and have all the social graces of a rabid rhinoceros."

"Why you…you prancing little backwoods excuse for a spellslinger!"

"Oh yeah? Well, you're a stuck-up, smug git, with an ego so massively inflated it's a wonder you manage to stay on the ground!"

"Ha! My magic is powerful enough to wipe you out, leaving no trace of you to be seen!"

"Really? First I think you'd better wipe your nose, cause I see something green!" Got you! the half-elf thought triumphantly as the Red Wizard reflexively raised his hand to touch his face. She decided to follow up immediately with an insult of her own. "You sir, have the manners and the breeding of a lump of phlegm fresh from an ogre's snout!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," Edwin sneered. "You didn't seem to be using them, I thought you could do without."

"You…you hopeless jerk!"

"Snotty brat!"

"Troll turd!"

"Witch!"

At this moment Zaerini felt a firm hand on her shoulder. She was more than a little startled to realize that both she and Edwin had got to their feet during the argument. By now they were standing directly opposite each other, glaring angrily into each other's eyes, close enough that they were almost bumping heads. Close enough to feel each other's breath, Rini realized, and then she rapidly tried to dismiss that thought. The heat that rose in her cheeks wasn't entirely due to her anger. Edwin seemed to come to the same conclusion at about the same time, as she saw his eyes widen and he stepped backwards rapidly enough that he almost tripped over Khalid, who was holding onto the back of his robes and trying to drag him away from the bard. Zaerini turned her head and saw that the hand gripping her shoulder ended in a very put out druid who had adapted her trademark stony face.

"Children," Jaheira said, "would you care to tell the rest of us what you are fighting about?"

The bard and the Red Wizard exchanged a hasty glance. "Nothing!" they both said at exactly the same time.

"Nothing," Jaheira said in a deceptively mild voice. "Well, that is good. I would hate to think you were trying to attract the attention of every roaming monster on the Sword Coast because you were fighting over something. This seems ever so much more reasonable."

"You were p-pretty loud," Khalid said with an apologetic shrug.

"Yup," Imoen cheerfully added. "I thought you'd manage to bring the mountain down. Still, it looked like you were both having lots of fun. Kinda cute, actually."

Zaerini felt her face grow hotter by the moment. She thought she was probably about as red as her hair by now and she wanted nothing more than to sink into the earth and disappear from sight. "Er…," she said, "we…that is…I…"

"We…were doing exercises," Edwin blurted out and steadfastly avoided looking at anything but a spot of air next to Zaerini's right ear.

"Exercises," Jaheira said in a flat voice.

"Yes. Yes! Exercises. Surely you must know that spellcasting requires a healthy pair of lungs, a trained voice and a…er…firm…chest?" Edwin faltered as he spoke the last words and looked like he was trying to shrink into his own robes.

"I see," Jaheira said, her face giving nothing away. "Well, in the future, please try to do your 'exercises' a little more quietly." She returned to her watch, as did Khalid and Imoen to their cooking. Zaerini thought she could hear a muffled giggle from Imoen's direction. She desperately tried to avoid looking Edwin in the face.

Well? Softpaws asked and twined herself around the bard's legs. Aren't you going to kiss and make up?

Softy! Stop it!

Of course, cats don't bother much with kissing. You might want to try something like this instead. Let me give you a nudge in the right direction. The image the familiar sent along the mental link was very vivid.

SOFTY! Are you insane! That's…that's…

Oh, was it too difficult to understand? I'll simplify it then. Nudge nudge. A few arrows and written instructions added to the pedagogical appeal of the picture.

SOFTY!

Tsk, tsk. Kittens these days. No inquisitiveness at all it seems. I could talk you through it, you know, one little step at a time.

Absolutely not! There is nothing of the sort going on between us! The very thought is absolutely…absolutely…

Tempting?

No! Ridiculous. That's what I was going to say. Ridiculous.

Really, kitten? All right. Do it your way then. Kiss and make up. Just a brief peck will do.

I'm not going to…The figures in the image started moving about and sound was added. Zaerini reflexively tried to cover her face with her hands. It didn't help.

Nudge nudge nudge, Softpaws said, and her voice sounded very satisfied, even over the loud sound effects.

Edwin was starting to feel a little worried. Zaerini was simply standing there, her golden eyes wide and slightly glazed, her mouth wide open. She was still blushing furiously. For some odd and unfathomable reason it didn't make her face the least bit less appealing, the way it surely ought to have. "Are you all right?" he asked. He didn't get any further. The bard grabbed him by the arm and dragged him behind a large rock, out of sight of the rest of the party.

"I'll have you know," the half-elf hissed, "that I'm only doing this because I'm being blackmailed by my stupid cat. And if you dare make even one smug joke or snide comment about it I'll make you regret it." Her large and tilted eyes were glowing like open furnaces and she was blushing to the very tips of her pointed ears. The cat in question was watching Edwin with what the wizard thought was an oddly knowing expression for a cat to wear.

"Er…doing what?" Edwin asked. And then all his conscious thought processes shut down as a pair of slim hands grabbed him firmly by the shoulders and pulled his head down. By the time he felt silky lips against his own he couldn't have remembered his own name if asked to give it, or for that matter that he had one. He didn't think. There were no plans, no worries, no words even. Just the whirling impressions of soft red hair brushing against his face, of golden eyes boring into his soul before they closed with pleasure, the feeling of smooth skin, the faint and lingering scent of lilacs…the heat. Above all, the heat. He was burning, dying, consumed by the raging fire. He didn't care. And he never wanted it to stop.

Edwin had no idea how much time had passed once Zaerini pulled away again. It could have been seconds, but it might as well have been years. "Um…I'm sorry if I was mean before," the bard said with a small and uncertain smile. "See…er…Softpaws insisted that we 'make up' after our little argument, so…well…friends again?" When the wizard simply gaped at her she continued, almost tumbling over her own words. "Um…I hope you're feeling better now? When I'm moping I usually feel better after a good argument. Not to suggest that you were moping as such, but…"

"I…yes," Edwin managed. "Perhaps…perhaps I was a little out of line myself. My…apologies. And the…er…argument certainly made me feel better. (As did the making up. What? I didn't say that, did I?)" So? Nothing wrong with enjoying a friendly gesture, which is all it was of course. No, nothing wrong with that at all.

"Oh. Good. I sort of liked it too."

"You did?"

"Oh yes. I don't think I've ever met anybody it was so fun to fight with before."

The bard winked at him and Edwin felt his breath quicken. Possibly he was coming down with something. He hoped there wasn't something seriously wrong with him. "Likewise," he said, and his voice was perhaps just a little bit hoarse. Throat infection then? He had been rather loud earlier… "Er…perhaps you would like to do it again sometime? I so rarely meet anybody with an intellect developed enough to match mine in a game of wits."

The smile he got in return was enough to make him decide that he wouldn't mind another go himself. Preferably right now. Even if it did definitely feel like he was falling ill, what with the way his heart was trying to hammer itself out of his chest. For some strange and inexplicable reason he didn't mind. Not at all, in fact.