In The Cards

I sometimes think that for every heroic deed that somebody actually set out to do, there's at least three that people simply happened to stumble across. But of course few people are willing to admit that they aren't actually all that noble, but simply cursed with bad luck.

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

"And you could both have been killed! What were you thinking of? Have you any idea what might have happened?" Jaheira was practically spitting fire by now and she looked about ready to bite somebody's head off.

"Look, we didn't exactly do it on purpose," Zaerini said. "Getting lost in dark, smelly tunnels is not my idea of fun."

"Oh, no?" the druid said. "Then perhaps you should both stay right here by my side, where I can keep an eye on you. I would not want you to get…distracted…by something again." She sounded suspiciously innocent.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rini asked.

Jaheira simply snorted and shook her head. "Never make the mistake of thinking me a fool, child," she said. "Now come. Imoen should be back any minute." She walked off down the corridor.

"I have no idea what she's talking about," Rini said out loud and pulled a hand through her red hair. "Have you any idea what she's talking about?"

Edwin shook his head. "She's clearly delusional," he said. "Too much talking with trees, most probably. Pay no attention to her."

"Yeah. You could be right. I mean, why would we have tried to get lost on purpose? Weird idea."

The bard and the Red Wizard followed Jaheira to the junction further down the hall where Khalid was keeping watch. After a few moments Imoen came around the corner, a quiet presence felt rather than heard. She really was getting much better at sneaking these days.

"Trouble up ahead," Imoen said in a quiet voice. "More kobolds with fire arrows and two large ogrillons. But that's not the worst of it."

"Why do I get the feeling," Edwin said, "that you're about to tell us what is the worst?"

Imoen grinned. "There's a wizard too," she said. "And an Ogre Mage. Seems the human mage is working for the ogre. I couldn't hear much, but they said something about the kobolds being bait for adventurers. Called them 'plump chickens ready for the spit'. The adventurers, I mean. Not the kobolds."

"Charming," Rini said in a dry voice. "So they're robbers then?"

"Looks like it. It makes sense too. I mean, adventurers usually carry nice and valuable stuff, right?"

"Right. Well, these little chickens aren't quite ready to be spitted yet. We need a plan though. And I think I know just the thing."

A few minutes later Zaerini followed Imoen towards the sound of voices raised in argument. One was sniveling and fearful, the other deep and growling.

"But suppose somebody really dangerous comes?" the scared voice said. "With all the adventurers that disappeared so far they're bound to get the hint and send for somebody better."

"Who cares what weak little halflings do?" the other voice said. "More meat for the larder, more gold for the coffers. HA!"

"But…"

"Shut your face, mageling. Do your work, leave thinking for me. Me the boss. You the bossed."

Imoen carefully peered around the corner. "Just a little to the left," she mouthed to her friend, her voice almost inaudible. "Up a bit. That's it. Go!"

Rini didn't hesitate. She fired her lightning wand and a dazzling lightning bolt, almost bright enough to blind, slammed into the wall of the tunnel ahead of her. She could hear it hiss and sizzle as it bounced down the corridor, and then the agonized screams and yelps as it hit something other than cold stone. Another bolt, and another. More screams. Then silence. "Are they dead yet?" she whispered to her friend.

"I think so. The mage is down, and so are the kobolds and ogrillons. Wait a minute. Where's the… Eeep!" And then Imoen struggled in vain as a large hand lifted her into the air. White tusks and ivory horns gleamed in the faint torchlight as an invisibility spell dissolved. The creature had skin as green as grass and carried a large whip. The truly frightening thing about it were its eyes though. Jet black eyes, with white pupils.

"MMMaaaahaha!" the Ogre Mage laughed. "Puny peoples come to fight!? Good! It has been much fun killing the little people of Gullykin....but it will be just much fun killing you!"

Gullykin? Rini thought. We're near Gullykin? So that's where this tunnel winds up. She knew of Gullykin, a halfling village to the southeast of Beregost, though she had never been there.

"Why would you want to kill halflings?" she asked, trying to stall for time. If she could distract the Ogre Mage long enough her other friends would be able to make it here before he hurt Imoen. "What good does that do you?"

The Ogre Mage grinned, displaying his prominent tusks once again, and bent forwards. His breath smelled like rotting meat. "Little ones are bait," he said. "Bait to bring big ones - big ones with nice and shiny swords and pretty gems. You not very big though. Me kill you now, eat you for dinner. Nice and juicy."

"Whoa!" Imoen protested. "You don't want to eat us!"

"Why?"

Rini made her best superior face. "You're not the only one to use bait, you know," she said. "Sorry to have to tell you this, but you've been had."

The Ogre Mage looked confused. "Me not understand," he said. "Who use bait?"

"Well, you didn't think we'd come here alone did you? That would be silly. Now let my friend go…or…or I'll ask my big brother to hurt you. Yes. That's what I'll do."

The Ogre Mage looked doubtful, but at that moment the bard projected her voice down a side corridor, summoning forth the threatening voice of Sarevok.

"Come to me, beast," the deep and deadly voice called out in challenge. "Face a real warrior, if you dare. Come, and I shall spit you on my sword like the miserable wretch you are."

The Ogre Mage snarled and let Imoen drop to the ground with a loud * thud * . Then he charged off down the empty corridor, snuffling and growling. After a few moments his voice could be heard again. "Hey!" he said. "There's nobody…" The lightning bolt hit him square in the face, and then bounced off the walls to hit him again, and again, and again.

When it was over the two girls looked at each other and sighed with relief. "Whew," Imoen said. "Never thought I'd have Sarevok to thank for my life."

"Makes you think, doesn't it?" the half-elf responded. "Stupid ogre. I told him he wasn't the only one to use bait." She raised her hand as if greeting an invisible being. "Thanks for the help, brother, though I'm sure you'd eat your own sword raw if you knew."

Khalid, Jaheira and Edwin came up from behind at that point. "Oh m-m-my," Khalid said as he saw the carnage. "What h-happened h-h-here?"

"Aw, it was simple," Imoen said with a mischievous grin. "We just killed 'em all. No problem, really."

"No problem?" Edwin asked. "That's a dead Ogre Mage over there. You're telling me that was no problem for the two of you?"

Zaerini shook her head and winked at him. "Oh, that wasn't us," she said. "That was Sarevok." Having thoroughly enjoyed the sight of the three shocked faces in front of her she started laughing out loud, and Imoen was quick to join in. "I'll explain later," the bard said. "I promise."

The two dead wizards turned out to carry several jewels, as well as more than one interesting scroll. Edwin handed Zaerini one, looking very satisfied with his find. "This is Fireball," he explained. "A very useful spell, not to mention entertaining. I've always enjoyed it." Another one he kept for himself, saying that it was the spell called 'Cloud Kill', a potent and dangerous spell that he would save for later since he wasn't able to cast it just yet.

Pleased with their finds the adventurers continued on their way. The tunnel sloped steadily upwards now, and eventually it ended in front of a wooden door. Zaerini put her finger across her lips and motioned for her friends to keep quiet. Then she pulled the door open and stepped outside, feeling more than a little surprised to find herself in the middle of somebody's living room.

The room was small and cozy, and completely round. A fire roared cheerfully in the fireplace, spreading lovely warmth. Several comfortable armchairs stood in front of it, and there was a tiny bed in one secluded corner. There was a heavy smell of tobacco smoke in the air, easily explained by the room's sole occupant. A halfling sat in one of the armchairs, smoking a pipe almost as long as himself. For a halfling he certainly had an unusually dour face, Zaerini thought. Actually he reminded her a bit of Montaron.

"WHAT in the nine hells are you doing in my burrow home!" the halfling squeaked. "I don't know why you're here, but any assumptions you might have about halfling hospitality, does not apply to me. When an intruder breaks into my home, I kill 'em."

"Really?" Edwin asked as he stepped into the room. "Well, I suppose I can understand that, given that your downstairs neighbors are a tribe of vicious kobolds. You wouldn't want your other neighbors to find out about that, I assume. They probably wouldn't like it much."

The halfling's round face darkened with murderous rage. "So you know," he snarled. "It's been a pretty setup this. Letting the kobolds in to terrorize the fools of the village, making them send for adventurers to clear the place out. We've earned a tidy sum from selling their equipment, and I'm not about to go back to being a farmer, I can tell you that much." He ran towards the other side of the room, reaching for the sword propped against the wall, but before he could reach it a Magic Missile slammed into his back, bringing him to his knees.

"Come to think of it," Edwin said, "I don't like you much either."

The halfling struggled to get to his feet. "No!" he protested. "Jenkal will not be defeated! Not like this!" Then he groaned as Imoen hit him over the head with his own pipe, knocking him unconscious as well as breaking the pipe in two.

"Nooo…" Jenkal moaned before he fainted altogether. "Not….my uncle Boldrig's…old tobacco pipe…"

"Well, that was enlightening," Jaheira said. "I take it we are in Gullykin, then. Shall we see what the other villagers have to say about all this?"

After the initial uproar caused by five armed strangers stepping out of Jenkal's house some of the halflings dared stand still long enough to listen to the explanations offered. After they had investigated the house and found the dead bodies in the tunnel they were only to happy to fetch their Mayor, a cheerful grey-haired halfling almost as wide as he was tall, and with an open red-cheeked face.

"Amazing!" he exclaimed. "Truly amazing! You've cleared the Firewine Ruins, and exposed the traitor in our midst? Truly, the days of noble heroes aren't over yet!" The crowd of eagerly watching halflings cheered.

"Actually," Rini admitted, "we didn't really know where we were and…"

"Father!" a small halfling girl piped up. "I recognize these people! Remember that bard who passed through here? These must be the Heroes Of Nashkel!"

Behind her Zaerini could hear Edwin groan. "Uh, yes," she said. "That would be us."

The Mayor's eyes grew as wide as plates. "Well!" he said. "Even more amazing! To get saved by great heroes like yourselves, it's an honor. Truly it is. You'll have to stay for dinner, of course. And second dinner, and breakfast, and…but I'm forgetting myself." He turned to the crowd and spread his arms wide. "People of Gullykin!" he shouted. "These good folk have saved us all! They shall be our friends forevermore, for their hearts are noble beyond belief!"

"Don't say it," Edwin whispered. "Please don't say it. Haven't I suffered enough already? (I'll never live this down. Never.)"

"I give you…the saviors of beleaguered halflings, friends of the needy, slayers of evil kobolds. In short - the Heroes Of Gullykin!"

Zaerini waved at the cheering crowd, trying her best to look heroic.

"Thanks a lot," Edwin muttered. "You just had to go and say it, didn't you? Scorn City, here I come. (And here I used to actually like halfllings.)"