In The Cards

Men can certainly be bad enough when they get into a rivalry, but they frequently tend to forget that women can be just as bad, possibly worse. The males are often satisfied with a fight for dominance. The females fight to kill.

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

Zaerini had a very satisfied smirk on her face as she walked out of the gambling tent. It had been a highly profitable evening. She decided that once she'd cleared up her affairs in Nashkel and Beregost she would have to go shopping for new spells. Supposedly there was a place just west of Beregost where you could purchase magic scrolls and potions, as well as enchanted items. She carefully pocketed her winnings and headed towards the designated meeting place. Before she got there she ran into Edwin. The Red Wizard looked rather gloomy, as if he had a lot on his mind.

"What's with the long face?" Rini asked him. "You don't need to worry, I won. Exactly like I promised."

"Oh. Good."

"Well, that's a slightly less ecstatic reaction than I had anticipated", the bard said. Suddenly a horrible thought struck her. "You haven't been talking too much to Xan, have you?"

Edwin's lips twitched a little at this. "I…was simply thinking about some things", he said. "About home, if you must know."

Zaerini's interest was perked at this. "Really? Feeling homesick, are you? Go on, tell me. I don't know that much about Thay, but I know what it's like to miss people. I still miss Gorion, you know. He's the only father I have ever known, and the only one I want."

It was a minute or so before Edwin responded, and when he did he spoke slowly as if he were carefully picking his words. "And your Gorion…would you have done anything in order to have saved his life? Even if it was something you felt…reluctant…about?"

"Well, yes. I suppose so." Zaerini thought for a moment. "Still, perhaps not anything. I'd want to be able to look myself in the mirror afterwards, if you know what I mean. So I wouldn't exactly slaughter babies in order to save him, but apart from that there's not much I wouldn't have done. Why do you ask?"

"Nothing", Edwin said, his face closed to her once more. "I was simply curious. That is all. If you wish, I can tell you a few things about Thay when next we have a moment to spare. That is, if you are interested. (I have to make her understand. One way or another.)"

"Of course I'm interested. But why…"

At this point the conversation was interrupted by a giant pink bear that came merrily bouncing along the path. "Hi guys!" the bear said. "I've had the greatest time, how about you?" Then Imoen's head peeked out behind the bear's and dissolved all Rini's hopes of having found a strange new species of animal.

"Immy?" she asked. "Where ever did you get that…that thing?"

"Isn't he cute?" Imoen said with a bright smile. "I won him, and I'm gonna keep him forever."

"Regretful as I am to burst your bubble", Edwin said, "don't you think that animal will be just a little unwieldy to bring along on the road? I really can't see him assisting in combat. (On second thought, maybe I can, but the thought is too horrible to contemplate.)"

"Oh, I'll figure something out", Imoen said. "Anyway, I'm not leaving him behind." Her eyes turned dreamy and slightly unfocused. "He's mine, and I'll hug him and kiss him and…"

"Er…Immy?" Rini asked. "Don't you think you and the bear should perhaps remain 'just friends'?" Beside her she could hear Edwin snort with amusement.

"Huh?" Imoen asked as she suddenly came back to reality. "Bear?"

"Yes, the bear", Zaerini said, trying not to lose patience with her friend. "That was what we were talking about, remember?"

"Oh. Oh yeah. Sure it was. You bet. The bear. Of course."

"Now that that's settled", Zaerini said, "I think perhaps we should go find the others. It's getting late and most of the attractions are closing. Oh, and Immy?"

"Yes?"

"You want to keep the bear, then you get to carry it."

Once the trio returned to the meeting-place they were surprised by the scene that met them. Jaheira was arguing loudly with some strange woman, a blond and busty warrior who looked even more haughty than the druid at her worst. Behind them stood Khalid and Xan, both of them looking very nervous.

"No more lies!" Jaheira growled. "You have been doing it all evening. Giving him those little 'casual' looks, rubbing up against him 'accidentally'…"

"You are a sad and pitiful woman", the stranger said with her nose in the air. "I pity you, and wonder that you dare call yourself a warrior-born."

"L-l-l-ladies, please…", Khalid tried, wringing his hands.

"Be quiet, Khalid", Jaheira said, never taking her eyes off the blonde. "I will deal with this." She put her hands on her hips and gave the other woman her trademark glare. "And I suppose you are the better warrior then? You who let yourself be trapped in stone by some two-bit mage? Quite frankly, I wonder if perhaps I should not have left you as you were. At least then I would not have to watch you making eyes at my husband, you cheap fraud. Tell me, did you pray for Tempus to enlarge those things you constantly try to shove in Khalid's face, and if so, did he remove the necessary tissue from your brain? That would explain a lot."

"You dare mock my faith?" The stranger looked about ready to try to strangle the druid by now. "I'll have you know that I worship the Battlelord and…"

"I would say that you worship his hammer more than anything else, girl."

Oooh, Zaerini thought. That was a good one. Never would have guessed Jaheira had it in her.

It is amusing, isn't it? Softpaws agreed. And to think that the males always seem to believe they are the vicious ones. Of course, it is sometimes useful to let them think so.

I'll have to remember that.

You do that, kitten. Oh, look! I think they're about ready to stop with the hissing and go for the throat. My bet is on the druid.

You know, I think I have to agree with that. I wouldn't want to fight Jaheira when she's got that look in her eyes.

The blonde woman was making inarticulate throat noises by now, clearly to furious to speak. Zaerini thought it was only a matter of moments before there would be an outright brawl. Fun as that might have been to watch under other circumstances, she really was getting tired by now. A nice bed at the Nashkel Inn sounded like a very appealing option. "Hello, Jaheira", she said in an innocent voice. "I hope I didn't interrupt anything important? You look a little…unbalanced."

"Important?" Jaheira said without taking her eyes off the blonde. Her body was as tense as that of a lioness waiting to pounce on her prey, and Rini had a feeling the druid really would start ripping throats out in a matter of moments. "Only if you consider teaching this…this piece of filth a lesson that will send her howling back to the bitch that spawned her important."

"You dare insult my…"

Rini had had enough. "Yes", she said, "but just who is this piece of fi…that is, who is this woman anyway?"

The blonde clearly took this as her cue to speak. "I am Branwen", she said, "a mighty warrior and priestess of Tempus, Lord of Battles. I would offer to join your group, but this…this madwoman clearly has other ideas."

"So I can see", Rini said in a neutral voice. Whether this woman really had been coming on to Khalid or not, it was obvious that Jaheira thought so and that the two would never get along.

But will she get along with you, kitten? Softpaws asked. That's the really important thing isn't it?

Then we'll just have to find out, won't we? I think a little test is in order.

"So you want to join us", Zaerini said. "Why is that?"

Branwen puffed her chest out proudly, causing Xan's eyes to almost pop out of their sockets. "I am, as I said, a warrior. But I need aid in order to avenge myself upon the mage Tranzig, the bastard who turned me to stone. You seem like a worthy group of helpmates to assist my cause."

Oh, now we're getting somewhere. Assist your cause, is it?

Edwin clearly had a similar reaction. "Ah, your 'cause'", he said. "This would be the 'hero' word for 'self-interest' I take it? Except that when the word 'cause' is used the 'hero' usually expects people to assist him without payment. (As well as to nobly sacrifice themselves for him while he makes a daring escape.)"

"How dare you…"

She says that a lot, doesn't she? Softpaws remarked.

Probably because her vocabulary isn't all that large. "He dares because he is already a member of this group", Zaerini said. "I trust him. But can I trust you? That is the question here, isn't it, and I'm not trying to be unfriendly, just cautious. After all, I've already seen you almost get into a fight with one of my friends."

Branwen lifted her chin even higher. No doubt it was intended as a manifestation of pride, but all it really accomplished was to give Rini a very good view of her nostrils. "I can be trusted always to stand on the side of Good against Evil", she said, "and to be a scourge to the minions of Darkness all over the Realms."

This is supposed to reassure me? Rini thought. I'd feel a lot better if I knew what she meant by 'Good' and 'Evil'.

Then ask away, kitten. Softpaws sounded a little exasperated. Best way to find out, and it's not as if you can't handle her if she proves troublesome.

"And what of those who were born of evil, through no fault of their own?" Zaerini asked, without going into details.

A fanatical gleam came into the priest's eyes. "Born of Evil is Evil", she said. "The taint is always present, and must be purified through blood."

"Right", Zaerini said and shrugged her shoulders. "I guess that settles everything. Jaheira, please do carry on with what you were doing."

"My pleasure", the druid said before landing a magnificent blow on Branwen's jaw that made the blonde woman actually fly through the air before she landed unconscious on her back. Jaheira rubbed her knuckles and gave the bard a grateful look. "Thank you, child", she said. "I needed that." She then smiled at the adoring look Khalid gave her.

Zaerini grinned and her golden eyes sparkled mischievously. "She brought it on herself", she said. "If she'd been more 'Brainwen' and less 'Brawnwen' I might have been able to stand her, but I can do without raving fanatics."

Xan had rushed to the side of the fallen woman and was clucking and cooing worriedly over her. "You've killed her!" he moaned. "Now what am I going to do? She said she would come with me to Evereska…"

"Nonsense", Jaheira said in a sharp voice. "She isn't dead. A little cold water in the face will bring her around. Or perhaps a lot of cold water…"

At this Branwen's eyes jerked open and she got to her feet. "You…you dare!" she cried. "You Loki-spawn!"

"There you go with the 'you dare' again", Edwin commented with a smile oozing false sympathy. "Really, it is getting rather tedious. (I would suggest investing in a thesaurus, assuming I believed her capable of actually reading it.) Perhaps you should also pray for your god to grant you the power of speaking without spitting. Tastes may differ, but I for one find that rather off-putting." Branwen hastily clasped a hand over her mouth.

"Actually", Rini said, "from what I gather being a 'Loki-spawn' would suit me just fine, if the Trickster God operated on this plane. A girl could do worse when it comes to divine parentage, and I should know. Now beat it. You're starting to annoy me."

Branwen's face might as well have been set in stone, but she was obviously wise enough not to press the issue further. "You still coming?" she asked Xan.

The elf nodded and gave Zaerini an apologetic look. "I am truly sorry", he said, "but you are certainly doomed with or without me, and she will take me home to Evereska."

"It's alright", Rini said. "As long as you're happy."

"Oh, I wouldn't say 'happy' exactly. More like cautiously positive." The enchanter waved farewell and trailed off after Branwen who had started walking quickly away from the adventurers. Something about the way she walked reminded Rini of a ship in full storm. A ship carrying a cargo of melons, no less. Xan certainly seemed fascinated enough going by the stunned look on his face.

"If you want me to accompany you I shall need proper equipment", Branwen told the elf in an imperious voice. "Armor and weaponry of the highest quality, some nice clothes of course, a horse, several pairs of shoes, some more nice clothes…"

"Yes, yes", Xan nodded, never taking his eyes off Branwen's undulating body. "Whatever you say…"

After the pair had disappeared from sight the remaining group of adventurers gave each other a long look. "Are the rest of you thinking what I'm thinking?" Rini asked her friends.

"Yep", Imoen said.

Edwin sneered. "Without a doubt. (Some people are so easily enticed. Pathetic, really.)

"I th-think s-s-so", Khalid stammered. Jaheira simply nodded with a grim smile on her face. Then all of the five spoke as one, their minds and hearts united in one single thought.

"HE'S DOOMED!"