In The Cards

It seems that at least a third of the people I meet are totally bonkers, complete madmen prepared to hang about indefinitely in the middle of nowhere in order to harass me as I happen to walk by. It seems like a big, cosmic injustice if you ask me. Raving psychos, murdering berserkers, enchanted wizards and just plain fools seem to lie in wait for me wherever I go. Sometimes I wonder if the gods drop them in my path on purpose in order to annoy me. You never know with gods.

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

The next morning dawned gray and miserable, with a soft drizzle of rain that penetrated your clothes and seemed to seep into your very skin. The bleak and rocky landscape didn't do much to improve Zaerini's mood either. Rocks, rocks and yet more rocks, with a cactus here and there to cheer things up. If she never saw another rock in her life she wouldn't miss them.

"I am certain we will reach Nashkel soon", Jaheira said, but she didn't sound quite as sure of herself as usual.

"You said that three hours ago", Edwin pointed out. "Could it be that your lore is failing you, druid? Would you like to stop to do some mystic dances and chew on some animal droppings to divine our whereabouts? (I hear the dances can be quite entertaining to watch.)"

"It matters not", Xan said. "We are all doomed anyway. This wilderness will be our tomb, our lonely and desolated tomb. Perhaps, in a few years, some other lost travelers will come across our bleached bones and wonder at our fate… But they will speak…nevermore." He sighed heavily.

The druid and the Red Wizard both gave the elven mage identical looks of pure disgust. "SHUT UP!" they simultaneously cried out. Then they both looked startled and pointedly ignored each other.

Zaerini couldn't really blame Edwin and Jaheira for their reaction. Xan was proving increasingly difficult to tolerate, and she was getting more and more tempted to insert one of those cacti up what old Winthrop would delicately have referred to as his 'clean elven arse'.. She still felt sorry for what he had gone through as Mulahey's captive, but she could only take so many predictions of her own impending death. All the same, she had to try to keep the party together. "I'm sure it's only a matter of time before we find our way", she said, trying her best to sound positive. "There has to be somebody alive around here who knows the way to Nashkel."

"We could have asked those ghouls we came across", Xan said. "Those tortured souls, those victims of undeath, those…"

"Yes, yes, yes. I get the point."

"T-those things w-w-were horrible", Khalid shuddered. "S-s-so cold and s-sad."

Oh, great, Rini thought. Is Xan's gloominess contagious, I wonder?

I think it's this place, Softpaws answered her. The cat slunk across the ground like a shadow, half invisible among the rocks. Her voice sounded wary. It is a bad place, cold and damp. Cold creatures hunt here, I can smell them.

Wonderful. More undead. Can you tell what kind?

Both the dry and the wet, the cat said, indicating walking skeletons as well as more ghouls.

I wonder where they are all coming from?

"Oh, look", Imoen said at precisely that moment. "A tomb! Think we should look inside?"

"Absolutely not!" Jaheira protested and gave the young rogue a firm look. "We need to get back to Nashkel. We don't have the time to go grave-robbing and disturbing the dead."

"I figure the dead around here are pretty disturbed already", Rini said with an impudent toss of her hair. The tomb was a dark and silent opening into the mountainside, as creepy as they come. "So it's a dark, dank tomb, probably crawling with undead. Surely we all know what that means?"

"Yes!" Edwin said, his eyes shining with excitement. "Treasure, and lots of it. Probably magical too! (What are we waiting for? A written permission?)"

"Exactly! Booty! And besides, since there are so many undead around here anyway, I figure we might as well clear them out at the source rather than let them sneak up on us from behind. Let's go!" With that the half-elf set off inside the dark opening, Edwin and Imoen close behind.

Jahiera simply stood there for a moment, quite speechless. "Is there something about me that infuses everybody I speak to with a potent death wish?" she asked.

"A-a-a-actually…" Khalid began before he caught sight of his wife's face. "N-no, dear. Of course n-not."

"Death comes to us all", Xan said, his every word as dark and hollow as a coffin-lid being slammed shut. "What is the point of trying to avoid it?"

"Fine!" the druid said and drew her scimitar. "Then you will not mind me telling you that death will come more quickly than expected unless you stop your whining and start making yourself useful around here." A scream from inside the tomb made Jaheira break off her scolding and rush inside, Khalid close behind. Xan followed at a more leisurely pace. "I suppose I might as well come", he mused to himself. "At least it will probably be an interesting sort of death."

The passage inside the tomb was dark and narrow, and water dripped along the walls. "Well", Rini said, "at least there aren't any kobolds, right?" It was then that she heard the sound of running feet rapidly approaching from around a corner. She barely had the time to draw her sword before a man crashed into her and almost bowled her over. The fact that the impact made him start screaming at the top of his lungs didn't make the experience a more pleasant one. "AHHH!! Who are you?! Don't kill me! Please! I'm so sorry! I'll give it back, just don't kill me!"

He was a short and skinny man with a somewhat ratty look about him, and he was sweating profusely. His face was drawn and pale as if he hadn't got much sleep lately and he watched the adventurers with terror-filled eyes.

"Yeah!" Rini said, following a sudden impulse. "You had better...give it back. Right quick too!" Has to be treasure, what with his coming screaming out of a tomb like this. Hope it's something useful. I wouldn't mind a Bag of Holding, or some elven chainmail, or…

"Here!" the grave-robber said, and handed the half-elf a slim dagger. "Take it! Just get out of my dreams so I can rest! I swear I'll never go grave robbing down there again! Blast the southern sun for leading me there in the first place! I swear I'll no do it again!" He moaned again and ran off. Zaerini gave the weapon a careful look. Its blade was a matte black, the same as its hilt, and it was very sharp.

"I've seen this sort of thing before", Edwin said. "It's made from the metal of an iron golem, and unless I'm very much mistaken it's sharp enough to cut through armor. (And I could think of one or two that really need cutting.)"

"Interesting", Rini said as she turned the dagger over. "I wonder what it was about it that made that fellow so frightened though."

"Possibly the fact that its owner has been haunting his dreams ever since he stole it", Jaheira said, coming up from behind. "He was just about ready to kill himself, or so he told us when we passed him. You are going to return it, I hope?"

"Oh", the bard said a little airily. "I suppose so. Let's take a look and see what's ahead, shall we?"

The tunnel opened up into a large burial chamber, with many stone sarcophagi lining the walls. The lids of some of them were open, and Zaerini couldn't quite shake the feeling that they had been opened from inside. There was an almost palpable aura of sadness and despair in the air, quite apart from the smell of death. Still, there was nothing dangerous in sight. "See?" she said. "No problem whatsoever. We'll just search this place and…"

"Thief will pay with DEATH!! RETURN!! RETURN the dagger!!" The voice was a rough and gravelly one, like the words were being spoken around a fistful of dirt, and without a fully functioning tongue. It also echoed, and Rini suddenly knew that the voice was coming from inside one of the stone coffins. Then she could see a heavy lid being pushed aside as easily as if it had been made of paper, and a pale hand came into view. The hand was followed by an arm, gaunt and with rotting flesh hanging off of it, and then the creature itself emerged from its grave. It was a corpse, new enough to still have identifiable human features, and old enough to be extremely disgusting. Bits and pieces were coming off it as it moved and its sunken eyes burned with dull fire. "Dagger!!", the creature moaned with black and putrid lips. "You have the Dagger. Give to ME!! Now can rest, rest forever....."

Zaerini looked at the dagger in her hand. While undoubtedly old and valuable, she hardly thought it was worth getting torn to pieces over. Besides, she had other ideas. "Oh, this dagger?" she asked. "It's yours?"

"It…is the dagger of he who murdered me. The dagger of Tween. Give it to me!"

"Sure, sure, in a sec. Who's this Tween, then? Does he hang around this crypt as well?"

The revenant moaned again, and yet more bits dropped to the floor. Behind her Zaerini could her Imoen make a retching sound. "NO! He still lives! Lives…and kills others for his… experiments! He…wakes the dead. Makes them…his guardians…the guardians of his foul magic. The dagger…is the key. But he…has put wards on my tomb. I cannot…travel far from it to avenge myself, though he is very close he keeps outside them."

Zaerini's mind was racing quickly. "Tell you what", she said. "If we find this Tween, and kill him for you, can we keep this dagger?"

The revenant smiled, displaying a green and rotting tongue and a set of empty gums. "Yessss… Kill him. Then you will be…rewarded."

The grey sky was a welcome sight after the foulness of the tomb, and Zaerini took a deep breath to get the stink of the revenant out of her nostrils.

"So", Edwin said in a thoughtful voice, "we're to assassinate a mage then? On the word of some corpse?"

"Well, if you want to put it that way…"

"I do want to put it that way."

"I'm sure he deserves it, revenants only rise from the dead if they have been truly betrayed as well as murdered. I wouldn't have expected you to feel guilty about a thing like this anyway."

"I don't." Edwin sounded genuinely puzzled at such a suggestion. "Why would I? It's only a regular arrangement. But I think you might have negotiated a better deal before taking on the assignment. A dagger? Please don't make me laugh. That thing probably has hordes of gold hidden up its rotting sleeves. (Not that it had any sleeves, but you get the point.) There's no need to sell ourselves so cheap."

"On the other hand, a mage powerful enough to raise the dead probably has an item or two that could prove useful, don't you think? I think this 'Tween' will provide for us, even if the revenant doesn't."

"Hm", the Red Wizard said. "We will see."

The adventurers kept walking in a more or less steady eastward direction, or so they thought. It was still strangely difficult to tell for sure. "It is the curse", Xan sighed. "We will never get out of here."

"What curse?" Imoen asked.

"Does it matter? There is always a curse." The elven mage sighed again, his brown hair falling forwards to hide his face as he bent over something on the ground. "And look at this", he said, pointing at a small pile of rocks. "Rocks! It's rocks!"

"Yes?" Zaerini said in a very careful voice. "So?"

"Don't you see? Rocks. Rocks! Piled in a pile by hands unknown, hands undead I shouldn't doubt. There will be stick figures hanging from the cacti next. And then we'll all die."

"I'd like to see him hang from a cactus", Edwin muttered. Jaheira nodded emphatically, then caught herself and made an annoyed face. Imoen rolled her eyes and Khalid simply sighed.

"Frankly", Rini said and gave the elf an irritated look, "as long as the undead content themselves with harmless woodwork and rock gardens I shan't be very worried." I certainly hope he isn't a typical elf, she thought. I'd hate to think that half my ancestors resembled wooly wet blankets. Or a third of them, if you want to count Daddy Bhaal as an ancestor. On second thought, I think I'd prefer droopy elves.

"Oh, you all laugh now", Xan said morosely. "We'll see what you say when we all get chopped to pieces and eaten by some horrible monster."

"I don't know about the rest of you", Edwin said in a conversational voice, "but I wouldn't mind all that much as long as I could see the elf get eaten first. (And besides, after a meal on that much condensed misery any monster would likely kill itself simply to get away from him.)" Jaheira actually snickered this time, before she clasped her hand across her mouth and looked slightly mortified.

It was some minutes later that the adventurers came out onto an open and rocky plain, without even cacti to cheer things up. "Look at that", Imoen suddenly said, pointing ahead. "What's that on the ground?" The companions carefully moved forward to investigate. On the ground were a large number of rocks, meticulously placed in position by human hands. They formed a sort of spiral, with two hook-like formations emerging from one side. Below this shape some jagged lines were etched into the ground. Whoever had done this hadn't been satisfied with simple handicraft. There was blood splattered all over the piles of rocks, old black blood that was dried and flaky, fresh blood that ran in red rivulets into the eldritch runes that covered the ground.

"Right", Rini said as she swallowed hard and tried not to choke on her own bile. "Just in case we all get killed here I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to all of your mothers in advance. I might not get the chance later."

"I told you", Xan said. "Didn't I tell you about the rocks? I'd estimate our chances of surviving this day to 0.0000000000001 in 1000."

"SHUT UP, XAN!", everybody else yelled in chorus.

"I don't recognize these runes", Edwin said a few minutes later. The Red Wizard walked cautiously along the edge of the rock formation, studying its shape. His dark eyes were intense and fascinated as he scanned the area, carefully examining it without disturbing anything. There was something…clinical… about the way he watched everything, Rini thought. Very objective. Somehow she got the impression that he was so focused upon the puzzle presented to him that he'd actually forgotten that it might be human blood, or indeed that they themselves could be in danger. That calm detachment was frightening, but it was also…intriguing. She could see where it might have its uses. And besides, it was quite interesting to see him forget his usual sarcasm for once. When he wasn't sneering he was actually really good-l…

"Wouldn't you agree?" Edwin said, startling the half-elf out of her reverie.

"Er…what?"

The wizard gave an impatient sigh. "The runes resemble common conjuration runes", he said. "But there are others, that I haven't seen before. And all this blood hints at some sort of Necromancy, of a potent kind. I'd say these runes were made by a wizard researching a new spell."

"And you would be right!" The voice was a strange one, and the adventurers all turned around quickly to see an old man facing them. He was wearing mage robes, and his hands gripped a staff. A snowy white beard reached almost to his waist and blue eyes glittered like chips of cracked ice beneath bushy brows. "Narcillus Harwilliger Tween, at your service", the wizard said. "Come quickly, you are just in time for my experiment!"

I think I can guess what kind of 'experiment' that would be, Rini thought, remembering the ghouls she had seen and the words of the revenant. I think I'll pass, thanks. I'd prefer not to get killed, maimed or tortured by some crazy wizard if I have a choice about it.

"W-What kind of e-experiment are you a-attempting?" Khalid asked as he gave the mage a nervous look.

The wizard smiled benignly. "I am so glad you asked that", he said. "I believe I have developed a spell to empathically control any gelatinous creature and bend it to your will. Slimes, jellies, oozes, all of these things that foul the cook's cellar and the adventurer's dungeon can now be controlled and eradicated with an ease and efficacy never before seen in the history of the Realms. It takes an entire hour to gain such control, but that time will be minimized with further experimentation, I am sure. In moments, that hour will be up for a small number of mustard jellies that I have released into the nearby woods. We shall soon bear witness to the results of my endeavor."

Oh, great, Softpaws said. Another crackpot. What is it about mages that makes their brains so soft?

Softpaws!

Not including your own personal pet, of course.

He's not my…

"Fascinating", Edwin drawled at precisely that moment. "You must write this spell down for me that my party can make use of it in our adventures."

Uh-Oh, Rini thought. Why do I get the feeling this guy isn't the kindly, sharing sort of old wizard? Not the sort to offer us tea and cookies, along with some friendly advice?

Tween's face twitched convulsively and his voice trembled with fury as he lifted his staff. "I have worked years for this and you seek its benefits in mere seconds? Nay, you not only seek them, you expect them! The spell is mine and you'll not take it from me! Come jellies, let us make our mark upon the world!"

Zaerini didn't wait for him to finish the sentence before she launched a Magic Missile at him, interrupting the spell he'd been about to cast. She was pleased to see Edwin do the same. At least he can do something right. Xan followed up with a spell of his own, a violently green and hissing arrow that caused Tween to shriek with pain. A couple of Magic Missiles later the wizard went down.

"You", Zaerini said, poking Edwin's chest with her finger, "have to be the most…" Then she paused and the furious look in her golden eyes faded to one of apprehension. There had been a wet, slurping sound directly behind her. "That's not a regular slug, is it?" Edwin shook his head. "Oh, lovely." As it turned out the slurping sound came from two large, amorphous masses slithering their way across the ground.

"J-jellies!" Khalid cried out. "Magic w-won't work on them!" He hesitantly charged towards the two creatures, sword in hand. Jaheira overtook him rapidly and laid into the jellies with her scimitar. Rini sighed and drew Varscona. She hoped the sword didn't mind slime too much. The jellies were vulnerable to the enchanted weapons, if not to the arrows that Imoen vainly launched at them. But they were tough, and their touch burned like acid. Once Khalid stumbled and would have been submerged and devoured if the two female half-elves hadn't been able to pull him out of harm's way. Then there was the fact that the creatures compensated for their own slow speed by slowing their enemies to a near crawl. Rini felt her limbs move sluggishly, her sword almost too heavy for her to lift. Oh no, she thought. I'm not about to let myself get killed by a pile of slime, am I? One of the jellies was down now, but the other kept coming, damaged as it was. And then blue fire flashed past her and the mustard jelly slowly dissolved in a lifeless pile of goo, its life at an end.

"Moonblade", Xan said with a heavy sigh as he sheathed his glowing sword again, the sword that had been retrieved from Mulahey's chest. "Thank you so much for getting it back and providing me with all sorts of pointless new ways to get into mortal peril. The anticipation of impending and agonizing death while on a hopeless quest is just the sort of thing I need after being coped up in those dungeons."

"You're welcome", Zaerini said in a faint voice. Gratitude or not, she thought, first thing we get back to Nashkel he has to go. I saved him earlier, now we're even. One crazy mage is quite enough.

I should hope so, kitten. You wouldn't want those two males fighting. That could get nasty. The red one wouldn't spare the claws, you know.

Fight? What's that supposed to mean? Sure, they don't get along, but that doesn't mean they're about to actually…

Oh kitten, Softpaws said with an exasperated sigh. Could you at least try not to be so hopelessly dense?

What?

No, kitten. You'll figure it out when you're ready to. When the time comes for you, you will know what to do.

Zaerini sighed. I thought familiars were supposed to be helpful.

And I am being helpful, kitten. Sometimes the kittens are best helped by being allowed to muddle through on their own and make their own kittenish mistakes, as long as they don't harm themselves. There was a feline snicker. And besides, that also provides their parents with an endless source of amusement.