In The Cards

It seems that some people I am destined to run into wherever I go. They’d probably manage to turn up if I tried to escape them by traveling to the moon, and once I die I’m certain they’ll keep haunting me in the afterlife.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

Beneath the city of Baldur’s Gate, there was another city. Dark and desolate it was, its houses empty ruins, its streets crumbling. No longer did the sun reach this place, not since the new city was built on top of it. The only weather here was the endless darkness and the cold dampness that bit into your very bones. No human voices called out from the houses, no human feet tread the streets. The occasional bat fluttered by, as did the rats. They were uncommonly large beasts, and not the least bit timid. And then there were the other residents, the dead ones.

“Not more undead!” Imoen complained. “How many can there be?” A group of about a dozen zombies and ghouls came shuffling towards the adventurers from around a street corner, moaning and groaning.

“Too many,” Edwin said, neatly incinerating the group of undead with a blast from his fire wand. “They are useful for taking care of the household garbage though. Mother always swore by them. (Well, except that one time when the tame ghoul got loose and ate the head cook. Then she swore at it. Literally took it apart too. Very educational it was.)”

“That’s…a very…practical approach,” Zaerini said, hoping she managed to keep her voice politely interested. The thought of eventually meeting Edwin’s mother suddenly filled her with nameless dread. Come on. She can’t be more terrible than Bhaal. Can she?

“Oh yes,” Edwin agreed. “She always did value practicality…” The wizard’s mood had improved again, at least a little. He still hadn’t told her what was worrying him, but at least he no longer seemed to be about to break down.

Just as she was about to ask Edwin to elaborate a little further on the subject of his family, Rini heard voices coming from a short distance away.

“Members of the sunlit realms?” a melodious male voice said, rising to the heights of an upcoming frantic giggle at the end of the sentence. “No, cousin, you are wrong, I swear! The sun burns, nasty glowing eye that it is! It watches…it always watches. But we are safe down here, safe as the lint in a lich’s navel, aren’t we Abduh?”

“Urrrgh”, a second voice agreed. This one sounded much like something long since dead bubbling up from the bottom of a swamp, letting out terrible clouds of gas. It was probably male, but it was a bit difficult to tell.

“Look, ye daft tall ones!” a third voice interjected, sounding very grumpy. “It’s very simple. We with Sarevok. Big mean boss. You with Sarevok. Big mean boss. We no fight, or he mad. That simple enough for you, meathead?”

“Look,” said a fourth male voice, this one low and menacing. “I fear it is you who do not understand. We are Iron Throne mercenaries. The high ups have put a price on Sarevok’s head, for the way he is squandering the resources of the organization. And if you are in his employ…then that goes for you as well. And I am certainly not a cousin to any of you.”

“Oh look!” the first voice suddenly called out. “Over there! It’s Zaerini and her little friends! Hello to you all! Have you come to play? It is so nice to play down here…here is where we all dance and float, float like the pixies before you yank off their wings! The bones whisper secrets to me you know…they know why you are here!”

“Urrrgh?”

“No, Abduh. It’s not to play fetch. Zaerini has other games to play…so she does.”

After a moments stunned silence the strange voice sounded again. “Zaerini?! There’s a hefty bonus for her. Take her, lads! Dead, not alive!”

I’ll kill Xzar for this, Rini thought as she threw herself to the ground and rolled away to avoid the explosion caused by the arrow that struck the ground next to her. And Abduh too. Again, and again, and again.

Frantically getting to her feet again, she spotted a trio of familiar figures a little way off, now clearly visible in the flashes of light caused by spells being cast. Abduh was gurgling happily as he slowly strangled an enemy mage. Montaron was engaged in a fight with a man three times his size, and was making a vicious attack on his kneecaps. Xzar stood tall, hands outstretched as tendrils of white mist sped from his fingertips, and one of the enemy archers faltered and screamed, tearing at his eyes with bloody fingertips as he tried to get away from something only he could see. All right. If they keep this up, I suppose they can live.

Thankfully, her own friends seemed to be mostly unhurt, though Edwin was being kept quite busy trying to bat out some persistent flames from his robe. Jaheira and Yeslick charged the remaining archer, sprinting through the falling fire, trying to outrun it before it could overcome them. Imoen kept firing arrows at all enemies she could reach, while Khalid remained behind to protect the spellcasters. The bard hurriedly muttered an incantation, and the world changed around her. Suddenly, the enemies seemed to move as slowly as if through treacle, and she was firing arrows at them along with Imoen. Swiftly, so very swiftly, and the poison on the arrows was already taking its toll. With the advantage of speed, the adventurers were able to get the upper hand, though not without sustaining a few wounds. The mercenaries were tough and experienced, and merciless fighters. Eventually though, they fell.

More death, Rini thought. Everywhere I go. They attacked me, and I don’t feel sorry for them…but all the same…I wish people would just leave me alone. Just for a few days or so. Then I won’t complain no matter how many assassins, monsters or insane would-be gods come calling on me.

You might get your wish, kitten, Softpaws remarked, leaping onto the half-elf’s shoulder. But right now you need to deal with a crazy wizard, a trigger-happy halfling, and a zombie who’s just started digging about inside his own nose.

I know, it’s disgusting. He did that even before he died, actually.

Rini had certainly never shared Imoen’s fondness for romance novels. Still, she had read the occasional one. And then there were the adventure stories that she adored, that also frequently featured at least one pair of lovers who got into all sorts of trouble. One of them might get captured by pirates and the other one by slavers, they’d get thrown in prison, tricked into marrying somebody else, savaged by lions, robbed, deceived, and occasionally even killed. And yet, somehow, despite everything, they’d always manage to find each other in the end, rekindle their love and live happily ever after. Of course, she knew perfectly well that things didn’t usually work out like that in real life, but it was still nice to read about.

Now, I’m sure I’m not in love with Montaron, the half-elf thought. And definitely not with Xzar. And as for Abduh…that’s just too gross to even contemplate. So why…why is it that I seem to run into those three lunatics wherever I go? I’m starting to wonder which god it is that has it in for me. Well, apart from the obvious answer of course.

“What,” Jaheira said, gritting her teeth, “are you three doing here? And what do you want? We are extremely busy, we have no time to waste on you.”

“We followed you,” Xzar giggled. “We were at the Guild when you came through, and then we followed you all the way…the bones from those skeletons will be very useful for spell components.” He winked at Zaerini. “Or perhaps we could carve you a little flute from them? Ah, the piping! The shrill, terrible piping, played by Bladhprrtfruuruu, the Goat of Eternity, it is enough to make even the wicked souls of the bunnies scream with terror! Half goat…half gym teacher…half NAMELESS HORROR!”

“Er…no thanks,” Rini said. “I think I’ll pass.” What’s a gym teacher? Then she couldn’t help herself. “Er…which half is the goat?”

Xzar’s eyes glittered like broken mirrors, and he lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “The better half…always the better half.” He suddenly seemed to think of something. “Are any of you ladies good at taking care of zombies? I’m looking for a partner in marriage, you see. It is really very simple. Just give him plenty of people to kill, and give him regular baths.”

“Urrrrgh!” Abduh protested.

Rini wrinkled her nose at a whiff of pungent air from the zombie. “Exactly how regular are we talking?”

“Oh, every ten years or so, I fancy. Don’t want to wear down what remains of his skin. So, what do you think?”

“She is not interested,” Edwin said, and gave Xzar a dark look, his fingers hovering menacingly above his pouches of spell components. “She deserves far better than a gibbering insane wizard with a zombie fetish. (And if this imbecile insists on pestering her, I will take great pleasure in extracting his deranged cerebrum through his nose by the aid of a hook. Then perhaps a small case report on whether or not it improves his mental capacity…)”

“Ahem!” Rini said, giving the Red Wizard a rather annoyed look as she put her hands on her hips. “I can actually speak for myself, you know. No need to go get all puffed up like that.” As for wizards, I think I’ll settle for a talkative, mildly eccentric and incredibly cute one. “Sorry Xzar, but no. We’re just too…different. And I haven’t planned on getting a zombie just yet.”

“I’m on the rebound!” Imoen hastily said as the Zhentarim wizard looked at her. “I’d only break your heart.”

Jaheira just scowled, and even Xzar wasn’t mad enough to press the issue further.

“S-so, why have you been f-following us?” Khalid asked the two Zhentarim, bravely attempting to switch to a less flammable subject.

Montaron shrugged, and spat on the ground. “Nothing strange about it. Ye seek Sarevok, and so do we. Seems we might be of use to one another. He’s a dangerous one.”

Zaerini hesitated. In a way, it was good news. She could certainly use some more help. On the other hand, it was bad news. She didn’t doubt that Xzar and Montaron wanted Sarevok dead, and she still hadn’t entirely given up hope that she might be able to avoid that. She did have a plan of a sort, albeit a risky one. If I leave them behind, they’ll follow anyway, the bard thought. And if I lie to them, they’ll still soon learn the truth. I might as well be honest. “It could work,” she said in a careful voice. “But you should know that while I plan to keep Sarevok from realizing his plans, I want to avoid killing him, if possible.”

Xzar and Montaron looked at each other, while Abduh cheerfully played ‘Stomp The Rat’ a short distance away. “You don’t want to kill him?” Xzar said, an incredulous look in his eyes. He actually sounded concerned. “Poor girl, you have obviously been under too much stress. You are, beyond a doubt, utterly insane.”

“We have little hope of taking out Sarevok on our own though,” Montaron grudgingly admitted. “I say we go for it. It’s better than nothing. He may still get killed, and at least his plans will be ruined.”

“If you say so, Monty. He is certainly dangerous. Those glowing eyes made me suspect him from the start…I wouldn’t put it past him to be working with the rabbits.”

“It’s a deal then,” Rini said, shaking the hands of the necromancer and the halfling. As for Abduh, she settled for giving him a brief wave. She was afraid she might find herself holding a disembodied hand otherwise. “But remember, I make the decisions as long as you work with us. And if you try to betray us, you’ll make me very angry. Tell me, have you seen Sarevok angry?”

The two Zhentarim shuddered. Clearly, they had.

“Well, he’s my Big Brother, you know. And I’m sure you’ve heard about that old saying that calls ‘the female deadlier than the male’. Just play straight with us, and we’ll get along just fine. Otherwise…” The half elf’s golden eyes narrowed to ominous slits, and her voice lowered to a dark purr. “Otherwise…we will not.”

“Certainly!” Xzar blurted out. “Hear that, Abduh? We’ll be friends, all of us! And we’ll be Great Heroes!”

“Urrrgh!” Abduh said, holding up a squashed rat with a proud look on his rotting face. “Urrrgh, urrrgh, urrrgh!”

I can’t help wondering, Zaerini thought, if perhaps one day, many years in the future, they’ll tell the story of this battle, and it will have turned into a story about how the heroic Abduh fought a noble battle against the evil Sarevok. She considered that for a few moments. No. That’s just too weird. Nobody’d ever buy it. After all, he is Abduh.

After a short rest, the now enlarged party went on, following the winding streets towards an imposing building in the distance. It was vast. It was dark and gloomy, made from black and craggy rocks, and covered with nasty gargoyles. There were skulls and bones all over the walls, particularly above the enormous front door, one of the skulls being extra large and with a pair of large red gems for eyes. The door was spiky. Very, very spiky.

“I think,” Edwin said to nobody in particular, “it would be a safe estimate to assume that this is Sarevok’s cozy little home away from home. (Very tacky. And in his enthusiasm about those spikes he probably forgot to install proper plumbing.)”

“Yes…” Rini said, staring at the ugly edifice. My Big Brother’s Secret Headquarters. How cute. “Though I guess it was probably Bhaal or his worshippers who had it built. Guess ‘Daddy’ didn’t have better taste than Sarevok does.”

As she approached, she suddenly heard a female voice addressing her from close by. “You have come, even unto this place. It is fitting that we should meet again.” The speaker was armed and ready for battle, and the sword she carried looked sharp and deadly. Though her face was as smooth and unperturbed as ever, her black and slanted eyes were grim.

Zaerini watched her, feeling apprehension twist her stomach like a grasping hand.

Tamoko.