In The Cards

Sarcasm doesn’t always work on truly stupid hostile people, simply because they are unable to comprehend it. Thus, other ways to deal with them must be find, and there are plenty to use from. Deceit can be very fun, though sometimes an open confrontation is necessary.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

“I sense evil in your party, friend. I cannot allow you or your evil companions to threaten the good people of Baldur's Gate.”

Zaerini turned around at the sound of the voice. It was a cheerful, dedicated, impressively trumpeting kind of voice, and it spoke in that exact reasonable tone that lets you know the speaker not only is planning to do something unspeakably nasty to you but also expects you to be grateful afterwards.

The speaker himself was a man in the most brightly polished armor she had ever seen, so shining that the light sparkling off it hurt her eyes. It was worse than Ajantis’. He was tall and strong, had impressively broad shoulders and a square chin, and an expression of utter pig-headedness on his face. When Rini met the unblinking and slightly glazed stare of his eyes she got the unsettling impression that he was looking through her, and that he didn’t like what he was seeing. His smile was very wide, very sincere and very insane.

“Excuse me?” Zaerini said, noticing that the man had his hand on the hilt of his sword. “What exactly are you talking about?”

“Evil of course! True Evil. The Dark servants of the Nether Realms, defilers of the innocent, oppressors and foes of the pure and unsullied!”

“Um…sorry,” Imoen said. “But we’re not evil. Honestly we’re not.”

“Ha! That’s what they all say! But I know better, oh yes I do! I am Sir Phandalyn the Pure, and I have the Power, and it shows me the truth. And it makes all the wicked evildoers glow bright red! Red like blood, like blood flowing through the gutters as the Evil Ones slaughter the innocent. Rrrrreeeeddd….like that!” The man in the shiny armor suddenly pointed his finger accusingly at Edwin, his voice ringing with righteous indignation.

“No,” Zaerini said. “That’s just his robe, actually.” She was starting to get really annoyed with this twit by now and had to fight to keep herself under control.

“It is not surprising that this ape cannot recognize stylish clothing when he sees it, “ Edwin remarked in a conversational voice. “When his ilk speaks of ‘casual wear’ they are referring to chain mail. (If he wasn’t standing so close to us I believe a Fireball or two would serve him well. Then all that cumbersome scrap metal would soon make him ‘glow red.’)”

“Listen, fool,” Jaheira told Sir Phandalyn, favoring him with a deadly glare that would have caused a saner man to wither into nothing. “Whatever else may be said about Edwin, he is a member of our party, and you have no right to harass him or us like this. You will cease this nonsense at once, or you will be very sorry.”

“But I have every right, woman! He is evil I tell you, and it is my sacred duty to CLEANSE the Realms of the taint of Evil! Yea, for only then will the innocent and pure be safe, safe to lead their virtuous little lives in peace, guarded by my strength and by my unsullied mind.”

“At least I can agree with that part,” Edwin said, smirking. “That mind hasn’t been sullied by a single intelligent thought in all his life if I’m any judge. If it could be sold we would get some extra money for its unused condition, despite its overall inferiority.”

“And it is even worse!” the armored man ranted, the sarcasm clearly having passed far over his head. “The rest of you, by freely and deliberately associating with a Servant of Evil are tainted as well. You must repent before your very souls are lost and I am forced to chastise you mightily.”

“Oh really?” Rini said in her sweetest voice. “How dreadful. That taint thing sounds absolutely terrible.”

The idiot smiled at this. “I can tell your own soul is pure and unsullied, fair maiden,” he said. “Clearly you have been grievously misled by this base villain. Just repent and I shall let you off with a stern warning, provided you keep more suitable company in the future.”

“That is so nice of you,” the half-elf said, her eyes glittering dangerously.

“Hold on a moment!” Yeslick interrupted. “I may be missing something here, but what evil deeds are ye accusing us of? Why, we were simply walking down the street!”

For a moment Phandalyn looked uncertain, but then he raised his voice again. “Of…loitering?”

The dwarf shook his head. “It nay be loiterin’ to be walkin’ to the Blushin’ Mermaid for a party. Sorry, but ye’re goin’ to have to think of somethin’ else.”

“It…it makes no difference!” Phandalyn screamed, by now quite red in the face. “The wizard is Evil, and that makes anybody defending him Evil too! Evil can do no good, everybody knows that. And Evil deserves no mercy, only death by my Righteous Sword!”

“Tell you what,” Zaerini said in a low and dangerous voice. “Why don’t you stick your righteous sword up your pure and unsullied behind, jerk? I’ll be happy to help. And if you so much as try to lay a finger on my friend I will deal out some ‘chastisement’ of my own, thank you very much.”

The veins on Phandalyn’s neck were standing out like ropes now. “Fiend!” he screamed. “Evil One! I will slay you all in the name of Goodness! RAAARRRRRGGHHHH!” Charging like a raging bull towards the adventurers he didn’t even have time to draw his sword before a swarm of Magic Missiles from the Red Wizard and the bard struck him down.

“Hm,” Edwin said as he planted one foot as well as the head of his staff on the fallen man’s throat. This could make for a very impressive portrait, don’t you think? ‘Triumphant Red Wizard With Slain Monkey Knight’.”

“But…h-he’s not dead yet,” Khalid said. “H-he’s breathing, see?”

There was a sudden wet and crunching sound, as of a sharp blade slicing through flesh. “Ah,” Edwin said as he let the blade retract into his staff again. “I knew there was something I had forgotten. (Yes, this is really a very useful weapon.)”

It was at this moment that a pair of men wearing long gray robes came rushing up to the adventurers. “Oh dear!” one of them said. “What a dreadful mess. Did he hurt you in any way? We will provide healing if such is the case.”

“We’re fine,” Rini said. “Who are you?”

“We’re priests of Ilmater,” said the second stranger, bending over Phandalyn. “Oh, that was a nasty wound. It will take some work restoring him from that one…”

“Restore him?” Jaheira asked. “Why?”

“Well,” the first priest said, “he is under our care, you see. And we are extremely sorry that he behaved as he did, the acolyte watching him only turned his back for one second and then Phandalyn was off. I dread to think of what he could have done.”

“He is a convicted murderer,” the second priest explained. “Dreadful, absolutely dreadful. He has this fixation about brutally and painfully murdering anybody whom he decides is ‘evil’, and he managed to slay quite a few people before he was apprehended. He would have been executed, but for the fact that he is completely insane. The court ruled that we should attempt to heal his fractured mind so that he may atone for the evils he has done, though so far we have had little success.” He lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “It is really a very sad case. He actually thinks he is a paladin you see, and a servant of goodness. It is all part of his delusions, for as you noticed, the reality is far different. We will make certain to keep a double guard on him from now on, he will not threaten anybody else.”

“I…I see,” Zaerini said, feeling extremely confused. “Good luck to you then. I can’t help feeling sorry for you guys though, having to put up with that jerk.”

“My child,” the first priest said, “Ilmater is the God of Suffering. It is our duty to carry such burdens – though I must admit this is an unusually heavy one. I wish you and your friends a good day!”

Well, Zaerini thought to herself, that was certainly very odd.

The adventurers had decided to spend some of the money they’d earned from Entar Silvershield on a really extended evening at the Blushing Mermaid, a seedy inn in the rougher part of town. The good part of it was that it served the best ale in Baldur’s Gate, or so Yeslick claimed. And after chatting with that Phandalyn guy I really need a drink. Then, tomorrow, I think we should probably go check out the Iron Throne.

Pleased with that plan, the red-haired half-elf smiled at the sign of the inn. The mermaid in question was indeed blushing, though why she was doing so was a bit unclear since mermaids are used to not wearing any clothes. It’s not as if you can stick seashells over the more prominent body parts and hope to manage without chafing.

Still smiling about that the bard walked through the door, pleased to hear cheerful music from within, and suddenly found herself lifted by the collar, something that was making it very difficult for her to breath. She was also staring into a very large and very ugly grayish-green face, with a nose like a squashed turnip and beady little eyes beneath a single bushy eyebrow. Then the wide mouth opened and she nearly gagged at the putrid stench that wafted out from between the large and yellow teeth.

“Huurm. I be Larze”, the ogre said in a voice like stones being crushed into gravel. You be Zaerini. Don't try deny it. You should not have come to Baldur's Gate. You given many warning before, but you ignore them. Now you must pay. Sorry, but Larze must kill.”

“WAIT!” Rini screamed, as she saw the enormous fist of the ogre rising into the air. Behind her she thought she could hear her friends drawing their weapons, but she was afraid of what that fist might do to her before they could bring the ogre down. “W-wait just a minute! I’m not the person you’re looking for.”

The fist halted in mid-swing. “Huh?” the ogre said. “You’re not?”

“Of course not! How could I possibly be Zaerini? She’s a powerful person, and honestly, do I look like a powerful person to you? She’s…she’s this enormous giant of a person, with glowing eyes and a terrible booming voice. And she has this really scary spiky armor.”

Larze scratched his head. “Me confused now. Me see picture, and it had no fire eyes or big voice.” Uncertainty crept into his voice. “Though pictures don’t have voices. Hmmm…me very confused now.”

“Tell you what, Larze,” Rini said, speaking in as convincing a voice as she could manage, all the while smiling brightly. “I’m gonna help you out. You just go back to whoever showed you that picture and tell them off for lying to you. They should have given you a proper picture, and then this little mistake could never have happened. Who was it that showed you the picture anyway?”

“Uuhhhh…it be wizard at Iron Throne place.”

“Good. Good. I know what’s going on now. See, the real Zaerini is trying to trick you into going after the wrong person. I’ve seen her, you know. She hides out in the Iron Throne building, she must have been the one who gave you the wrong description. Just remember what I told you. Big and strong, glowing eyes, booming voice, spiky armor. Think you can remember all that?”

Larze nodded confidently and put her down on the ground. “Me remember good,” he said. “Me clever ogre. Sorry about bothering you.”

“That’s all right. You just give her a good smacking from me. Bye bye!”

As the ogre waved and clomped out the door the half-elf slowly and carefully wiped her forehead. Then she turned to her friends, with a somewhat unsteady grin on her face. They stared back at her, looking rather stunned. “Well,” she said. “This is a lovely neighborhood, isn’t it? Not a dull minute. But that’s all right I guess, as long as they don’t water down the ale or anything…” Then she paused. “You know, out of those two I think the ogre was by far the most intelligent one. And the most charming.”