In The Cards

It’s funny how your perspective changes when you fall in love. Suddenly little details such as evil gods sending you nightmares or spiky-armored warriors pale in comparison to more significant problems. Such as if the object of your devotion loves you as much in return, and just what he or she would look like without any obscuring clothes on. Actually it’s a bit like going insane, but much more satisfying.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

Despite the healing supplied by Jaheira and Yeslick, Zaerini still felt pretty much exhausted after the run-in with the Mindflayer and all the doppelgangers. She decided that once she had reported back to Scar it would probably be a good idea to rest a little while and get some lunch. Besides, she needed some time to think about a certain Red Wizard.

I kissed him! And it was…well…Wow! Just…wow!

Eloquently put, kitten, Softpaws said as she silently padded at the side of her mistress. So what does that tell you?

Softy…I think I may be in love with him.

Oh well done! And…?

And I hope he feels the same way. I really, really, really do. I mean, he likes me, I can tell that much. But loving is a different story, and he hasn’t said as much yet.

Well, neither have you.

I know, I know. But I will, I promise. I’ll just try to figure it all out first, and then…once we’re done with Sarevok and I can think about the future again…I’ll tell him then. I promise. I really will. Oh Softy! I think…I think it’s all going to work out after all. He’s clever, and funny, and really very attractive. And there’s something about his voice that makes me go all squishy inside. And we have a lot in common too. It just feels so…right.

I still think you should skip straight to the mating part, the cat said.

Softy, you really don’t understand these things. It has to take some time. Besides, he’s not going anywhere. He promised to stay with me for a year, remember? We have plenty of time.

The Flaming Fist compound was a large stone building, reminiscent of a small castle and just as heavily guarded. Still, it wasn’t the armed guards outside that attracted Rini’s attention as she stepped up to the door. Rather it was the small gnome who was standing on a barrel at the street-corner, apparently preaching. He was waving his clay pipe about animatedly and speaking in a very loud and very shrill voice, to the great amusement of the jeering crowd surrounding him.

“Tiax speaks, insignificant insects!” the little man shouted. “Hear his mighty words ROLLING over his lips like thunder! He waves his hand and cities fall! He blinks, and the fire from his eyes sets forests ablaze! He breaks wind, and storms ravage the land and the sea! Tiax will soon rule ALL, and the all-powerful Cyric will make it so!”

“I say we move on,” Edwin said. “The rotten turnips and apple-cores will start flying any moment now, and I’m not certain all these monkeys know how to aim properly. Some of them might hit us. (Though one can only hope that they manage to fill the mouth of that blithering idiot on the barrel.)”

“That is a very harsh thing to say,” Yeslick admonished. “That poor gnome is only trying to spread his faith, surely there is nothing wrong with that?”

“Nothing wrong? Weren’t you paying attention? That ‘poor gnome’ is a Cyricist, he’s bound to be raving mad. When he gets home he probably puts his underwear on his head and hops around singing ‘I’m Percy the Perfect Paladin’, while building strange shapes with mashed potatoes.”

“Ewwww!” Imoen exclaimed. “I really could have done without that image.”

“Let’s just go”, Zaerini said. “We should go meet with Scar and I want to get out of here before the gnome…”

“You!” the gnome suddenly shouted, pointing straight at the redheaded half-elf with an imperious hand. “Tiax would speak at you, for it is destined to be so!”

“…notices us,” the bard went on, wincing.

The gnome had jumped off his barrel by now and was pushing his way through the amused mass of people. “Tiax moves! Make way!” he shouted. “Or he will certainly smite thee!” Once he got close enough he gave Rini a very disquieting stare. “Glorious Cyric has foretold of our meeting when thou wouldst join with me. 'Tis thy duty...nay, DESTINY to stand by Tiax as the world kneels before him!....er...us. To this end I would travel with thee and do thy bidding. Later, however, your power shall add to mine and great Tiax will ascend to the highest office in the land. What say you? Yea or nay to the grand scheme?”

The adventurers looked at each other. “The world will kneel before you?” Jaheira asked. “You set your sights high, do you not? Perhaps you should first concentrate on trying to rebalance your mind.”

“Ascend?” Yeslick said, sounding shocked. “You think to become a god?”

“Of course Tiax will ascend!” Tiax said, spittle flying. “Tiax knows what will surely come to be, for glorious Cyric has spoken to him. Tiax will trample everybody like ants beneath his pretty feet, but if you serve him well he will let you be his anteaters.”

Everybody looked at the gnome’s bare feet. The dirt beneath what were probably his toes was so ancient that it was beginning to sprout weeds. “Pretty feet?” Edwin said. “You really are delusional aren’t you? Wait, let me guess. You probably also consider yourself tall, handsome, intelligent and charming. (Of course, my feet are perfect in shape and form. I could probably win contests with them, assuming there were beauty contests for feet. As it is, I’ll have to settle for being magnificent throughout.)”

“Tiax is charming! Tiax is handsome! Tiax has lady gnomes chasing after him wherever he goes!”

“I can imagine,” the Red Wizard said. “They probably want to make sure you don’t molest their pigs. Incidentally, I think there may be a new civilization forming between your second and third toe on your left foot. I’m pretty sure I could see the vermin building a large wall to keep the neighboring tribes out. Oh, and look, there’s writing on top. It says ‘Tiax Is A Prat’. Isn’t that wonderfully clever?”

For a second Tiax actually looked down, and when he raised his head again he was faced with Edwin’s triumphant smirk. Things might have got very ugly at that point, but just as Rini prepared herself for the inevitable fight something very strange happened. Tiax’ eyes rolled back in his head until only the whites showed, and when he spoke again his voice sounded…different. No longer pompous or whiny, but somehow slick, and very much in control. “How…interesting”, he said. “So you are the one causing all the upheaval, are you? I must say I had expected somebody taller.”

“That’s a bit rich, coming from a gnome,” Zaerini said, feeling a disturbing crawling sensation along her skin as if something filthy was touching her.

The thing speaking through Tiax’ mouth laughed. “Oh, that. I must admit I’m not at my most impressive at the moment, but I don’t really think you’d want me to be that. No need to make a scene. I really only wanted to take a look at you – and offer you a warning.”

“Sh-she has no n-n-need of warnings from you!” Khalid said. “Leave h-her alone!”

“I will, weak one. For the moment. All I want is for her to remember this – there are quite enough gods already, and there really is no need for another one. Anybody trying to muscle in on the action would do very well to remember that. Have a nice day now…” Tiax sagged against the wall to the Flaming Fist building, looking quite dazed.

“That was seriously spooky,” Imoen said with an apprehensive look at him. “Do you suppose that the one who was talking was…”

“Cyric?” Rini said. “Don’t know. But the way my life is shaping up lately I really wouldn’t be surprised. At any rate, I don’t see why he bothered with threatening me. I’m about as likely to become a god as Tiax is. Come on now, forget him. Let’s go see Scar and tell him about those doppelgangers.” Edwin really seemed worried about me back there. I guess he really does care. But how much does he care? He sure seemed to enjoy that kiss though…

Scar turned out to be very grateful for the news of the doppelgangers, pleased enough that he not only paid the promised rewards but also immediately offered another job. “There are people disappearing off the streets,” he said, “and it happens every night. And I’m not simply talking about the regular crimes of the city either. This is something more. Would you be interested in looking into it?”

“We might be,” Zaerini said, “if we have the time.”

“Excellent. Your job is really simple; all I want you to do is patrol the east of the city and find an entrance to the sewers. Perhaps you'll get lucky and find out what's been happening.”

“Hold on!” Edwin protested. “Sewers? You didn’t mention any sewers before?”

“That’s where the clues lead,” Scar said. “We found strange tracks near one sewer entrance. Is there a problem?”

“Well, yes! As in filth. Sewers are disgusting. I’ve never felt any particular desire to tromp about in them.”

“M-maybe it won’t be that bad,” Khalid tried. “They could be n-nice sewers.”

“Excuse me? Nice sewers? Which dimension do you come from? There is no such thing as nice sewers. They’re all disgusting, and a surprising number of them has monsters living in them as well, and magical traps, and…”

“And magical treasure?” Rini innocently suggested, winking at the wizard.

“…and…magical…treasure…” A slow smile spread across Edwin’s face. “Now that I think about it, who cares about a little dirt anyway?”

“Then it is decided,” Scar said. “I wish you all luck.”

Lunch was taken at a small inn not far from the Flaming Fist compound, and the food wasn’t bad at all. At least Zaerini thought so, but for some reason she didn’t feel hungry at all anymore. She was far too preoccupied with trying to watch Edwin without him noticing it. Ironically enough, he was doing the same thing, which led to neither of them eating very much and both of them almost turning cross-eyed.

“Are you going to have that?” Jaheira asked and pointed at a piece of bread.

“Huh?” Rini said, tearing herself away from her painstaking scrutiny of the wizard’s face. I wonder what he thinks about me? He does seem to care…but suppose he just sees me as some sort of diversion? A brief fling? Not that we’ve actually flung anything yet, but boy would I like to! And he has the sweetest eyes…and that voice…

“I said, ‘are you going to have that’?” the druid repeated, looking highly impatient.

“Have what?” I wonder if perhaps I could nudge him a little beneath the table…

“The bread!”

“What bread?” Yes, I probably could, if I stretched my leg a little further…I wonder what his legs look like beneath that robe? They’re probably really nice…

Jaheira practically had steam coming out of her nostrils by now. Mutely she grabbed the bread and tore into it as if it were a living creature. On the other side of the table Khalid was having problems of his own.

“E-excuse me Edwin,” he timidly said, “but your e-elbow is on my plate.”

“Hmmm?” the wizard replied, staring across the table with a rather silly smile on his face.

“Y-your elbow. In my f-f-food. Could you p-please…”

“Elbow…” Edwin said in an entranced voice. “Such perfect elbows…(followed by perfect arms, and perfect shoulders, and perfectly formed…)”

“Edwin! That is m-m-my hot bun!” Khalid was a bright red by now. “And why are you f-fondling it like that?”

“What?”

“My h-hot bun!”

“Nonsense. I was doing no such thing. (Yesss…so hot. So beautiful. So perfect…)”

“Look! Now you’re l-licking it! That is d-disgusting!”

“No I wasn’t!” Edwin said, sounding very much insulted. “I was…kissing…it…” Then he looked at the soggy piece of bread in his hand and looked highly confused. “Er…that is…is that a piece of bread? (For a minute there I could have sworn…)”

“That d-does it!” Khalid said in a stern voice that Zaerini had never heard him use before. “As soon as we s-settle tonight you and I n-need to have a little Talk, before an accident h-happens.”

CRASH!

Rini had managed to stretch her leg just enough to make close contact with her target. Unfortunately, her chair overbalanced and brought her toppling to the ground, and since her leg had managed to get tangled up in Edwin’s robe he suffered a similar fate.

Jaheira sighed loudly and put her head in her hands. “What I would not give to be able to let Gorion handle this whole madness,” she said. “Tiax was sane by comparison to you two children. Suddenly Sarevok seems the least of our problems.”