In The Cards

I’m gonna let you in on a secret about Rules. All rogues know this, at least the skilled ones. If the Rules are stupid or biased against you, and winning is really important – then don’t bother with them. If your life is on the line, playing according to the Rules isn’t always an option. It’s better to be known as a living cheater than as a really fair-minded corpse.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

The chessboard was the largest one Zaerini had ever seen in her life, made to fit an enormous giant. She and her friends were standing at one end of it, each of them in a square of his or her own, taking the places of chess pieces. In front of them was a row of white pawns, every one in the shape of an armored warrior wielding a large sword. The chessboard stretched out into the darkness in front of them, and she could only vaguely glimpse the forbidding shapes of the black pieces on the other side. So we get to play on the side of ‘good’, Rini thought. How sweet.

And then there was a deep chuckling laughter that filled the air all around them, and a voice spoke out of empty air, the same voice that they had heard before. Welcome to the game of Chess. You have just defeated the last of the four elemental guardians and so this is your next stop. I hope your stay within my tower has been pleasant, but if you have been bored, I have included this game to spice things up somewhat.

“Oh, how nice of you to be so helpful,” Zaerini said. “Yes, we were so dreadfully bored with all the deadly monsters and lethal traps, I can hardly stay awake.”

The voice ignored her sarcastic comment and went on speaking. There are some rules that must be adhered to while playing the game. The first one is to stay on your respective squares. Your King cannot move from his square, your queen may move into any square.

“Now wait a minute!” Edwin protested. “That’s not right. The King is too supposed to be able to move, if only one step at a time. (Doesn’t he even know the basic rules? He probably calls the knights ‘horsies’ and the rooks ‘funny little houses’.)”

The black bishop must stay to the black squares, while the white bishop keeps to the white square. The horsies can travel anywhere, but always take the risk of some pain.

“See?!” Edwin said. “Didn’t I tell you so? (Barbarian. We’re playing against an uncultured barbarian here.)”

IF you move into a square that is restricted to you, lightning will be sent to punish your transgression.

“Yes,” Rini spat, “because perish the thought that we’d get bored.”

The voice of Durlag laughed again. Remember, when one king falls the game is done. Then it fell silent.

“So,” Zaerini said. “Judging from which square each of us is standing in, it seems that I’m the King.” She smirked. “And you Eddie, would appear to be the Queen. Aren’t you thrilled?”

“It’s a deliberate insult I’m sure,” the Red Wizard said in a huffy voice. “True, the Queen is the most powerful of pieces, which is only fitting for a man of my powers, but to imply that I’m female is an outrage! (Once I dig up Durlag’s bones I’ll use them to make an enchanted chess-set of my own I think. Then he will get to be two queens.)”

“Well,” Jaheira said, “you are the only one among us who wears a dress. I am sure that was the reason behind the selection.”

“It’s not a dress! How many times do I have to tell you this? It’s a robe! And you should talk, madam ‘horsie’. Kindly keep your neighing to yourself.”

“I’m a horsie too,” Imoen said. “I don’t mind; horses are cute. I heard there’s this one plane of existence where there are whole herds of friendly pink little horses that wear dresses and stuff, and that have really long eyelashes and sweet voices. And they talk and sing pretty songs, and some of them can fly, and they have rainbow colored manes and tails. Doesn’t that sound like a cute place?”

“No,” Edwin said with a brief shudder. “It sounds like a disgusting and horrible nightmare dreamt up by somebody who’d overdosed on sugar. (I believe that old Zulkir Versil The Mad used to dress his horse up in a dress, but that was for entirely different reasons, none of them ‘cute’.)”

“If we can get back to the subject,” Yeslick said, “Perhaps we should discuss how to go about this game of Durlag’s?”

“Right,” Rini said, pushing her flame-red hair out of her eyes to get a better look at the opposing pieces. “Eddie? You’re the resident chess expert. Any thoughts?”

It was practically possible to see the wizard’s ego swell into supernatural proportions at this compliment and recognition of his expertise, as if it was a living creature that had just been carefully petted and told what a lovely ego it was. “Naturally,” Edwin said, with an extremely satisfied and smug look on his dark face that made Rini’s fingers itch with an urge to pinch his nose to startle him. “There are several devious strategies we might employ in this particular situation. They are all known to me of course.”

It’s really rather sweet when he puffs up like that. His arrogance is so pure it actually makes him a true innocent. Hm, I’d better never say that out loud or he’ll sulk for days…

“So what are they?” Imoen said.

”I’m glad you asked. First of all, we could begin with a classical opening gambit, the ‘Scout’s Opening’. Either that or the ‘Silent Serpent’ I think. We follow up with an attack on one of his flanks, possibly with a diversionary attack towards an illusionary target. It’s all a matter of sounding out your opponent you see, seeing where his strengths and weaknesses lie. (Assuming he has any. But I hardly think Durlag can be as challenging an opponent as I’m used to.)”

Mmm, I could listen to that voice for hours… He could probably list different types of rocks and still sound…well…

Stimulating, kitten? Softpaws said, sounding entirely too innocent.

Well…yes. If you want to put it that way.

Oh I do, kitten. I do. Male cats get pretty noisy too when they’re courting a female by the way, I’m sure you’ve noticed.

But Edwin’s been noisy since I first met him.

Yes, kitten. Especially when he’s trying to impress you. He’s truly got the hang of yowling, he’s lucky we’re not in a populated area or somebody might throw a bucket of water or an old shoe at him.

Softy, you have really strange ideas of courting sometimes, do you know that?

Edwin was still talking chess strategies, seemingly without a need to draw breath. “Castling might be a good strategy,” he said, sounding thoughtful. “At least at first, to keep our King safe as we sound out our opponent’s defenses. But what we should really aim for is a Queening. Now that can truly turn a game around. (And this time I’m almost certain I can pull it off. Yes, I’m sure I can.)”

“Aren’t you f-forgetting something?” Khalid said. “Those o-other chess pieces…the b-black ones…they’ll attack us for real, w-won’t they?” Everybody looked at the black pieces. All the pawns carried large two-handed swords, the Rooks held massive clubs that could probably crack a skull with a single blow. The Knights sat astride their fierce black warhorses; the Queen was a dark sorceress who watched them with a malevolent smile, a wand held aloft in her hand. The King held a large sword that glowed with a dark purple light.

“Well, yes. That is sort of the point of the game, isn’t it?”

But on the other hand, Rini thought, this isn’t really a game. It’s for real, and if we die we don’t just get put back in the box to wait for the next match. If we die, we die for good. I don’t like these odds. And then she thought of something, an age-old truth known to rogues and scoundrels everywhere. Don’t play the dealer’s game if the odds are heavily stacked against you. Far better to cheat. “I have another idea,” she said, pursing her lips with thought. “After all, we aren’t really here to win a chess match, are we? We want to smash Black to pieces so we can get out of here and move on. And I think I’ve just thought of a way of doing that…”

Once she explained her plan most of her friends looked both pleased and relieved. Edwin looked rather perturbed however. “But…” he protested. “But…that is really against the rules. (And it takes away all the fun too.)”

“Edddie, I’m sorry if I’m spoiling your game for you. But Durlag hasn’t exactly played fair with us so far, so I don’t see why we should abide by his rules. It’s winning that matters. Tell you what, once we get out of here and we have the time, I promise I’ll play a game of chess against you, and you can properly humiliate me according to all the rules of the game. How’s that?”

“Well…all right,” the wizard said, almost pouting. “If you insist. (I’m still sure I could have taken them in the proper manner though.)”

“Of course you could have. Now, you still have that particular wand, don’t you? And I have this enchanted necklace that I’ve hardly ever used. That ought to do the trick. On the mark of three then. One…two…THREE!”

Edwin set off his Wand of Fire at the same time that Zaerini triggered the magical necklace from the Nashkel Fair. Two large Fireballs instantly streaked towards the other end of the board, landing in the middle of Black’s ranks and wreaking total havoc. Several Pawns fell, lifeless and burning, as did one of the Rooks. The survivor rapidly charged across the board, as the Queen and the King each started chanting a spell. There was no reason to wait and see what those spells would be. Two more Fireballs, and then two more. The Queen screamed with rage as she went down, her mage-robes burning brightly. The large sword dropped from the black King’s lifeless fingers, landing on the chessboard with a heavy clatter. As it fell, all the still moving Black pieces came to a screeching halt, and they never moved again.

“Checkmate!” Rini said triumphantly. She gave Edwin a dazzling smile and patted the wizard on the shoulder. “I’m sure your way would have been more elegant and complex, but don’t you agree that my way was pretty much great fun?”

“Hm,” Edwin said with a small and crooked smile. “It was effective, I suppose. And it was rather entertaining as well. (Such I pity I couldn’t do that in a real game without getting into much, much more trouble than it would be worth.)”