In The Cards

The Fool is a card of many meanings. It may stand for divine madness, for reckless abandon and freedom of thought. Of course it may also mean simple idiocy, foolishness and absence of thought. And for every divine madman born a thousand idiots enter the world.

Excerpt from 'The Chaltar Deck Of Cards - An Introduction'

Zaerini felt extremely satisfied with herself as she and Imoen walked down for breakfast the next morning. It was a great relief that her first real performance had gone so well.

Next time you should sing a few songs about cats, Softpaws suggested inside her mind. I know all sorts of great songs about cats, I'll teach them to you.

By all means, Rini responded. But I have to warn you that I don't think I'll be able to find an audience willing to listen to songs that are all about cats.

Barbarians. I suppose they'd prefer songs about dogs.

I think they'd prefer songs about people.

So? Cats are people. And lots better at singing and dancing than any of you.

Whatever. Oh, there's Khalid and Jaheira now. I'll introduce you.

Zaerini had been fully prepared for another tongue-lashing from Jaheira. When it didn't come she was extremely surprised.

"A cat is at least a natural creature", Jaheira said. "It could be worse."

"Y-yes", Khalid said. "And she is very p-pretty." Softpaws purred and rubbed herself against his legs at that and then sat down in the middle of the table to carefully wash herself.

"We should get going soon", Jaheira said. "The sun is up and it is a beautiful morning. If we start soon we will be in Beregost before noon."

"Beregost?" Zaerini asked. "I thought the two of you wanted to go to Nashkel."

"Beregost is on the way", Jaheira said, sounding just a little bit impatient. "It is a good place to stop for supplies. We may be on the road for a long while, and there are some things simply not available at the Friendly Arm."

"B-b-besides", Khalid cut in, "we met a dwarf the other night who owns a house in B-beregost. There has been an infestation of s-s-spiders there, and she is willing to pay well to whomever kills them and brings back one of their bodies as proof."

"Seeing that you are so prone to waste your money on expensive rooms we thought you might be interested", Jaheira said in an accusatory voice.

Zaerini thought about this. She was in no particular hurry to get to Nashkel, and earning some extra money and fighting experience sounded like a good idea before checking out the iron mines. "All right", she said. "We'll do it. Even if I did earn quite a bit of money last night. The joke about the Harper and the Red Dragon seemed to go down particularly well." She was intrigued to see Jaheira's scowl deepen even further at this, and also noticed Khalid's nervous glance at his wife. I wonder… Zaerini thought. It would make some sense, actually. We'll see what we can find out later. Her train of thought was suddenly interrupted by an all too familiar voice.

"Hey! You're Gorion's kid, ain't ya? Still as ugly as ever. Has that red hair set the roof on fire yet?"

"Oh no", Imoen moaned silently. "Not him!"

Zaerini looked up to see her worst fears confirmed. A large human stood there, and she recognized him easily. He was very tall, if not as tall as her father's murderer, and heavyset. It was more fat than muscle though. He was sadly lacking both in the neck and forehead departments. Small, watery blue eyes stared out at the world from beneath bushy black eyebrows that met in the middle. His mouth was large, very pink and wet and the lower lip looked somewhat floppy. He was wearing chainmail that shone like silver and had a large sword at his side. Apparently he was pretending to be an adventurer rather than the simple bully Zaerini remembered from her childhood in Candlekeep.

"Abduh", Zaerini said in her most icy voice. "I'm surprised to see you here. I'd have thought you'd be afraid to set foot in an inn. Somebody might pour salt on you and make you melt like the slug you are. Where did you come from anyway? No, wait. Don't tell me. I'll just follow the trail of slime, shall I?"

"Hunh!" Abduh snorted. "I've more right to be here than you, half-blood. Now, just scram. I'm a real human, and you make me sick." At that moment Zaerini heard the steely sound of a sword being drawn.

"You were saying?" Khalid asked. For once there was no trace of a stammer, and his normally so kind and almost timid face wore a look of utter fury.

"Yes", Jaheira said. "Please do go on." Her knuckles were white where they gripped her quarterstaff and Zaerini almost thought she heard her growling.

"Huh?" Abduh said. He had been so intent upon his bullying that he had paid no particular attention to anybody but his target. Now he did, but unfortunately for him his miniscule brain transmitted the information of an attractive golden-haired female, but failed to register the fact that she looked like she wanted to eat him alive. "Say", he said, and Zaerini noticed with more than a little disgust that he actually was drooling. "You're really pretty. What say you? Want to play a little? Ditch these losers, then you and me can do a little…" His voice turned into a high-pitched shriek as the quarterstaff struck him in a highly sensitive area. It turned into a gurgled moan of excruciating pain, and he became quite gray in the face. With a final squeal of agony Abduh slumped to the floor, unconscious. More than one of the male customers winced at the sight of his pale and sweating face.

"Hmmpf", Jaheira said. "No stamina. And here I thought you asked me to play."

"I think perhaps he meant another kind of playing, my love", Khalid said in a fond voice, resheathing his sword.

Jaheira simply shrugged. "So?" she said. "Can I help it if he has a poor vocabulary? That is how I like to play when it comes to filth like that. At least I managed to decrease his ability of ever fathering children and unbalancing the world further with his exaggerated stupidity. There are far too many fools already, the balance can do without any more." Then she seemed to notice Imoen and Zaerini again. "I suggest you go get your packs", she said. "I do not think this great ox will awaken any time soon, but we will keep an eye on him to make sure he causes no more trouble. We will meet you outside."

Zaerini nodded. "Right", she said. "Come on, Immy." As they walked up the stairs she turned to her friend. "You know", she said. "I think I'm going to like her after all."

"Yeah", Imoen agreed. "Anybody who does that to Abduh can't be all bad."

They went to the third floor, gathered their belongings and locked up the room. Zaerini sighed a little as she turned the key. She had really enjoyed spoiling herself a little. And now it was back to the road again. They were just about to go downstairs again and were passing by the door to one of the other guestrooms when it was pulled open and she heard a voice.

"You there!" it said. It was a male voice, speaking with a nasal whine that made the half-elf want to grind her teeth. As the door was opened more fully she could see that the voice belonged to a young nobleman, a true fop. He was wearing the latest fashion with striped purple pantaloons, a pink satin jacket and a wide-brimmed hat with a large yellow plume. As he spoke he kept wiping at his nose with a perfumed handkerchief, as if to rid himself of some kind of nauseating smell. He squinted at her in a way that suggested that he was horribly nearsighted.

"About time you showed!" he huffed. "Here, I need these tunics cleaned and pressed by this eve, and be EXTRA careful with the golden pantaloons! It took 15 women and a small boy from Calimshan 12 days and 4 nights to weave them, so careful on the seams! Well? Get going! Are you servant-girls stupid as well as lazy?" He pressed a pair of pantaloons into Zaerini's arms. It was a truly ridiculous garment, she thought. Obviously the idiot thought she was one of the girls working at the Inn and thought he could get away with ordering her about. She could tell from the way he squinted that his eyesight was really bad, probably bad enough that he wouldn't recognize his own mother. A monocle hung from his lapel, but obviously he was too vain to use it. She was just about to tell him what he could do with his stupid pantaloons when she had another idea.

"Sir, yes sir! Pantaloons pressed and ready by tonight or breakfast is free, sir!" She curtsied and smiled brightly at the nobleman and was pleased to see his face soften a little.

"Service with a smile and a snap in your step", he said. "That's what we like to see. Now get going damn you! Not a coin for a tip if there's even ONE tear!"

"Yes, sir! Of course, sir! Whatever you say, sir!" Zaerini curtsied again. "Oh, sir?" she asked as if she had just come to think of something. "A man of your stature deserves only the best. Won't you let us take your other clothes as well? All of them?" She smiled seductively and lowered her voice to a purr.

The nobleman turned as pink as that jacket at this. "Ah…", he said. "Er…certainly! Jolly good service at this place!" Zaerini just kept smiling at him, her golden eyes glowing faintly in the gloom of the corridor.

"Just pass your clothes out to us, sir", she said. "We'll take good care of them. And then I'll take good care of you. My Master, the great warrior Abduh, has taught me much of men like you."

"Really?"

"Really, really."

"Er…won't he mind?"

"Oh, no. He sent me here, in fact. He is impressed with you and this is his way of showing his admiration. He gave us specific orders." Zaerini wondered if perhaps she was laying it on a bit thick. Apparently not. The nobleman simply beamed at her.

"Right", he said. "Just a second." Once her arms were holding a wide assortment of expensive clothes in all the colors of the rainbow Zaerini turned to the crack in the door. "Won't be long, sir", she said. As she walked off she had to bite her tongue to keep from laughing. She was afraid of looking at Imoen for fear of exploding with mirth.

"So, sis", Imoen said with a wide grin, her blue eyes sparkling. "What's the plan? And aren't you afraid he'll tell on us?"

"The golden pantaloons I think I'll keep", Rini said. "They're gaudy enough to use for stage props. He can't tell on us, didn't you see him squinting? The man has no idea what we really look like. Now, I have a great idea. Here's the plan…"

Five minutes later Imoen was downstairs, talking animatedly to the gnome Innkeeper. "It's true!" she said. "He's walking about upstairs without any clothes on right this moment. He says he was fooled into giving them to him." She pointed at the unconscious Abduh who was still lying in the middle of the floor. "You think he's insane or something?"

The gnome frowned. "Sir Sarles?" he said. "Well, he's not very bright, but I've never thought of him as insane, even if he is an Amnian. Still, we'll need to sort this out, I suppose. I'll ask my wife to see to him and make sure he does himself no harm. She knows several stunning spells, good for subduing lunatics. And just in case he's telling the truth I suppose we'd better keep this fellow for questioning. He doesn't look smart enough to be a thief, but you never know. We'll clap him in irons right now in case he gets violent when he wakes up."

"Oh good!" Imoen said in a bright voice. "I feel ever so much safer now. Bye-bye!" She waved at the gnome and ran to meet Khalid and Jaheira who were waiting by the steps of the Inn.

"Where is Zaerini?" Jaheira asked, sounding suspicious.

Imoen was just about to answer when she was interrupted by a loud cacophony of squealing and grunting noises. Something pink and round came around the corner of the Inn at full speed, almost bowling Jaheira over.

"W-was that a pig?" Khalid asked. "A pig wearing a pink jacket?"

"Certainly looked like it", Zaerini said. The half-elf girl strolled nonchalantly up to her companions, grinning in a way that Gorion would have recognized and found highly alarming.

Jaheira looked about the courtyard. "Strange", she said, her voice stern. "I also seem to see a cow wearing a hat, a flock of chickens nestling in a pair of purple pantaloons and more than one pig with a taste for finery. Do you have any idea how this might have happened, child?"

"Nope", Zaerini said. "None at all." There was a scream of despair from inside the inn and she thought she glimpsed a head sticking out of one of the third-floor windows. The sun was reflected in something that could have been a monocle. "I think we might want to get going though." Ten guards ran past them into the inns, carrying some heavy iron chains, followed by a tiny gnome woman dressed as a healer. "I think we might want to get going right now as a matter of fact. I've had enough of pigs and fools for the moment."