In The Cards

It's funny how much your point of view means. One person's pleasure may be another's pain, one person's fondest dream may be another's worst nightmare. One thing remains always constant however. Door-to-door-preachers are Evil. Good thing we've just installed an invisible enchanted moat, activated by their mere presence. It was worth all the money too, and we even got the crocodiles for free…

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

"So what do you suppose it is?" Imoen asked, holding up a strange object.

Zaerini looked at the thing and shrugged. Whatever it was, it didn't look particularly interesting. "I don't know," she said. "Some sort of handle?"

"Yeah, I think so too. I found it down a barrel. What do you suppose it does?"

The bard sighed with exasperation. "Immy, it's just a piece of old junk. What makes you think it does anything?"

Edwin decided to interfere at this point. "That's exactly the point," he said. "You obviously haven't played 'Wizard In The Dungeon', my dear."

My dear?

"If you had," the Red Wizard went on, "you would know that you should always pick up any old piece of junk that has no obvious use, as long as there is something unique about it. It is bound to be incredibly useful later."

"Really?"

"Oh yes," Edwin said, nodding vigorously. "You may not think so now, but one day, maybe as much as two weeks or six months from now, you may find yourself in desperate need to combine an old handle, a cheese grater, a pair of ogre-sized shoes, a collection of fleas and a rabid canary into…into…"

"Yes, Eddie?"

"Into…into…for example a complex spell to enable you to travel backwards in time and assassinate the enemy who just killed all your friends, just as he's about to get up in the morning yesterday. Thus keeping him from doing it in the first place. Or a machine to help you hypnotize a dragon to get into the Treasury Of Plenty. That sort of thing. (I still remember that time when I had to go back over four levels of the dungeon until I found the hidden magical nail to help shut the Slavering Horror inside an enchanted breadbox. Now that was both cruel and unfair. How was I supposed to guess it was on the floor behind the entry door to the dungeon all the time? Who would search in a place like that? Takes a mind as twisted as a corkscrew to devise that sort of puzzle.)"

"Fine!" Rini exclaimed, throwing up her hands in the air. "I'm sure I don't want to know any more. The two of you can be in charge of collecting random items for all I care, just as long as we keep a lookout for useful things as well."

The adventurers now set out to explore the cellar, starting out with a secret entrance Imoen had discovered in the northern wall of the great hall. This passage led into an old bedroom, where a chest guarded by a nasty poison trap hid a quiver of fire arrows, a couple of healing potions and some poison darts. "Can I keep those?" Imoen said eagerly.

"Do you know how to use poison darts?" Jaheira asked with a frown.

"Well…not exactly. But I'm sure I can learn! And it's cool! Come on, they'll come in handy!"

"Just be careful not to hit any of us," Rini warned her friend. "We only have so many antidote potions."

"Great! I'll be careful, I promise." The pink-haired girl stuck the package of darts inside her belt, looking very pleased with herself. "Darts are so sneaky. Any good rogue should have some, I think."

And why do I get the feeling that she knows that Adahn does? Rini thought to herself, hoping that her friend wouldn't notice her smile.

Ah, young love, Softpaws said as she came out from under the old bed, the tail of a small mouse disappearing into her mouth. So entertaining to watch.

Passing through a small storage room they came into what appeared to be a forge. "Well, this was singularly unimpressive, unexciting and a whole lot of other words, all of them beginning with 'un'," Edwin said. "Can we please move on before I fall asleep?"

"Hold on, lad," Yeslick said. "This be Durlag's own Forge! Imagine, Durlag himself may have worked this very Forge, walked this very floor, sat on that very footstool… I wish to linger here awhile and soak in the atmosphere."

"You'll be soaking in a Fireball in exactly two seconds if you don't stop playing tourist guide. (Could there possibly be anything more dull than this? Apart from a guided tour through Durlag's portrait collection? Now the wine cellar, that would be a different matter. Or the treasury.)"

"I would nay expect a wizard to understand the hot lure of the forge," Yeslick said with a small smile. "Yer lot are far too subtle and quick to anger. 'Twill bring ye grief one day, I'm sure."

"I'll show you 'quick to anger' you demented lawn ornament! I'm a Great Wizard, and I need not put up with you."

Yeslick shook his head mournfully. "Your ego is positively elven," he said in a pitying voice. "Drop it a notch, lest I do it for ye."

Edwin crossed his arms across his chest and favored the dwarf with his best sneer. "Watch your words when addressing me," he drawled, "'lest they be fed to you on the end of my boot."

"All right," Zaerini said, pushing in between the dwarf and the wizard before they could come to blows. "That's enough. Both of you. We're in a very dangerous place, I won't have you killing each other. Now let's go, there's nothing for us here." She walked out the door and down the corridor, relieved to notice that they were in fact following her. I can't really blame them for being tense, I guess. This place is getting to me too. I keep getting the feeling that something is watching me from the shadows…

Once they had retraced their steps a bit the adventurers set off down yet another long, dark corridor. Rini found herself walking next to Edwin. "Are you all right?" she asked. "You seem a little more 'subtle and quick to anger' than usual, if you don't mind my saying so."

The wizard sighed and was quiet for a moment. "I…just wish to be out of here," he said, his face mostly hidden by the deep cowl of his Archmagi robe. "We should be off to Baldur's Gate, as soon as possible. Events are moving on without us, and…and there is no telling what might transpire in our absence. (And if a certain somebody insists on pulling suicidal stunts that could easily get him killed I'll…I'll…actually I don't know what I'll do, but I'll certainly be very loud and vocal while doing it.)"

The bard smiled and squeezed the wizard's arm reassuringly. "We'll go there as soon as we get out of this place," she said. "I want to deal with the Iron Throne too, you know. It isn't as if there's anybody who'll do it for us."

Edwin only sighed once more in response to this, but he did hold onto her arm, almost absent-mindedly. It felt rather nice, Zaerini privately decided.

I just bet it does, kitten, Softpaws said. But if you can pull yourself together long enough to pay attention to your surroundings you'll soon see that this isn't a place to be daydreaming.

"Whoa!" Imoen said at that moment. "Would you look at that…" She pointed at something lying on the floor, a little further ahead. Corpses. A heap of very badly burnt corpses, that looked like meat left too long on the grill. Their blackened features were completely unrecognizable.

"Th-that is d-d-disgusting," Khalid said. "What d-do you suppose h-happened to them?"

"What else?" the young thief said. "Trap, of course. 'Scuse me a second…" She knelt down on the floor, humming softly to herself as she did something complicated to a segment of the floor that looked exactly like the rest of it to Rini's eyes. Whatever it was Imoen did it seemed to involve a thin metal rod, a small quantity of sand and some sort of sticky gray fluid that looked and smelled perfectly disgusting. "All set!" the pink-haired girl gleefully exclaimed, and did a little dance along the corridor. "Yeah! You won't catch me off-guard, you mean old trap! Not me! 'Cos I'm sooo good! I'm a Master Trap-Master. Or Mistress. Whatever. I'm really good. I'm so good that I….OUCH!" The latest exclamation was one of pain, rather than joy, caused by the arrow suddenly sticking out of her shoulder. "Ooops," Imoen said with a weak smile, and then she dropped to the floor in a dead faint.

Ten minutes later…

"You have to pay attention!" Jaheira said, not for the first time. "Suppose that arrow had hit you in the eye? Or in the heart? You could have got yourself killed, child!"

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Imoen said a little sheepishly. "Guess I shouldn't have gloated quite so much, right Rini?"

"Maybe it was just a little too much," the bard said with an encouraging smile to her friend.

"I'll do better in the future," Imoen promised. "No simple old arrow-trap will catch me napping again." Then her eyes lit up. "I know! I just need a little supreme inspiration! Hold on."

Uh-Oh, Rini just had time to think. I have a feeling I know what's coming. Then she watched as Imoen drew out what Zaerini had come to think of as That Picture from her backpack, cooing lovingly over it and making kissing noises. The bard was then treated to a very interesting spectacle as Imoen proudly displayed That Picture to all her friends, one at a time, explaining that it should bring her lots of luck.

Khalid just looked amused. "Y-you know, I-Imoen," he said. "I-I d-d-did something similar when I had j-just married J-Jaheira. But in m-my case it was a piece of h-her underwe…" He then fell instantly silent at the sight of the frozen look his wife gave him. "Er…I mean a lock of her h-hair. Th-that's all I m-meant."

"Oooh!" Imoen exclaimed. "Sounds lovely. Thanks for the tip, Khalid, you're a sweetie."

"Yes," Jaheira said, her voice still very frosty as she kept glaring at her husband. "Though not so good at keeping his mouth shut about personal matters. Now let me see that pic…" And then she fell silent, her eyes very wide and her mouth open. "Imoen? Child? Did…did you…I mean…you did not…did you?"

"Oh no," the pink-haired thief reassured the druid. Then her smile turned very naughty. "At least not yet." Jaheira was quiet for a long while after that, though she kept looking very worried and muttering something about birds and bees being clearly redundant.

Yeslick's exposure to That Picture involved him turning a bright red and muttering something almost inaudible into his beard about how humans were devoid of all decency and how that poor lad was certain to catch a cold.

Finally, Imoen held out That Picture to Edwin, and Rini was treated to a rare sight indeed. As soon as the Red Wizard laid eyes on it he got quite gray in the face. Then he made a strange, strangled sound in the back of his throat, rolled his eyes into the back of his head and fainted. "Edwin!" Imoen cried out and knelt by the wizard's side, trying to fan some life back into him. Unfortunately she fanned him with That Picture, making the moving and lifelike images in it the first thing Edwin saw as he opened his eyes.

"Eerrrgh!" the stricken man moaned, and then he fainted again.

"Move over," Zaerini ordered her friend, and then she sat down by the wizard, patting his cheek. "Eddie? Come on, Eddie, wake up. Tell me what's wrong." The sound of her comforting voice eventually made Edwin open his eyes, and when he did he looked both terrified and disbelieving. "Please tell me it was a nightmare," he said, clutching at the bard's hands with a strength born from desperation. "Please tell me it wasn't true!"

"'Course it is!" Imoen cheerfully said, holding up That Picture once again. "Don't we look like a perfect couple?"

This time Edwin managed to keep from fainting, but now he was blushing furiously instead. "But…but you can't possibly mean…No. No! It can't be true. That's IMPOSSIBLE! There is no way that you…that he…that is… (This is a nightmare. It has to be. There are certain things I do not want to contemplate.)"

"Well, maybe not yet," Imoen admitted. "But he'll come around one day soon. We're soul-mates, you know. It's True Love. And then we'll live happily ever after…" Her smile turned dreamy and she planted one final kiss on That Picture before rolling it up and putting it back in her pack, completely oblivious to the nauseated and horrified look on the Red Wizard's face. "Feeling all better now? I know I certainly am."