In The Cards

One of the things I have in common with my brother is the way we react when we get seriously pissed off. Namely with a tendency to scream, curse and break things. And 'things' in this case includes furniture, armies, dragons and would-be gods.

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

"Come on, Rini, do it again! Please?" Imoen's eyes were sparkling with eagerness and her cheeks were flushed. "Pleeeease?"

Zaerini sighed. Her friend had been nagging her nonstop for the past ten minutes, and a nagging Imoen was very hard to resist. "All right," the half-elven bard said. "Just once. I'm getting a bit tired, you know. I don't think I can keep it up indefinitely." Once more she shapeshifted, turning into the new form the essence of her dead sire had provided for her. Fur sprouted, tail emerged and claws took the place of nails. Where the bard had stood there now stood a cat with bright red fur, shining golden eyes and a proud bearing.

Imoen immediately squealed with delight and pounced on the cat, scooping her up in her arms and burying her face in the soft fur. "Oh Rini! You look so cute, you have no idea!" She held up the wildly struggling feline for all her companions to see. "Don't you all think she's the cutest kitty ever?"

"Oh yes," Jaheira said, looking very amused. "Very cute. However, I think you are lucky to be wearing leather. She will not keep those claws sheathed for long."

"Y-y-yes," Khalid said, giving the spitting and hissing cat a very nervous look. "Don't you think you'd better put her down?"

"In a minute," Imoen replied, cuddling the red cat a little closer as the animal made furious screeching noises like a knife being dragged across a plate. "She's such a sweet little fuzzy thing, I just wanna pet her a little more!"

"'tis a good thing there are two healers present," Yeslick muttered to Jaheira. "That lass is gonna need every spell we've got if she keeps saying things like that."

The druid nodded. "I would say only their close friendship has kept her face intact so far, but if I were her I would not push it."

"Aw, come on," Imoen said, struggling not to let go of the cat. "Don't tell me you all don't wanna cuddle her? A cute little kitty like her? Eddie? How about you?"

The Red Wizard kept staring at the red cat, his eyes very large in his face. The cat was sounding like water being spilt on a hot stove by now. "What?" he croaked out. "Me? No! I mean…I prefer keeping my eyes intact, thank you very much!"

"Aw, come on! I know you want to. Don't you think she's pretty? You wouldn't want to hurt her feelings, would ya?"

Edwin was looking almost as trapped as the cat by now, and as he met the animal's flaming eyes his cheeks turned as red as his own robe. "I…I…that is…under the circumstances…and speaking only in the capacity of a neutral consultant…I suppose she is a reasonably attractive feline, yes. Why do you ask? (What is she up to? She speaks very strangely, as if meaning something else than the obvious.)"

"Oh, no reason." Imoen's mischievous grin widened and she suddenly thrust the furious cat into the wizard's arms. "Just wanted to make sure I could trust you with her. Here ya go!"

Edwin made a small strangled noise as he found himself holding the red cat gingerly. He automatically placed his hand beneath her rear to keep her steady, and then he looked about ready to faint as he realized what he was doing. The cat slowly turned her head and gave him a long, hard look, and the wizard hastily put her down on the ground, trying not to look at her and failing miserably.

Zaerini shifted back into her normal form, her face furious. "IMOOOOEEEEN!" she screeched, her voice taking on the exact same note it had as a cat. "I'll get you for that!"

"Oops!" Imoen grinned, running off as fast as her legs could carry her with her raging sister close behind. "See you guys in a while…"

The remaining adventurers looked at each other, apart from Edwin who was still looking rather stunned.

"I suppose," Jaheira said, "the subject of catnip will not be a welcome one at this point."

"N-n-no," Khalid agreed. From a distance away they could hear loud crashes and a large cloud of green smoke suddenly flared up over the treetops like a giant mushroom. "I g-g-uess not."

"That lass sure has a hot temper," Yeslick said, and yet another loud bang punctuated his words. A couple of trees seemed to be on fire by now. "Too hot for many to handle. Don't ye agree, wizard?"

"Huh?" Edwin said, still staring in the direction the bard had disappeared. "What? No! Not at all. She was acting perfectly reasonable under the….under the circumstances." He was staring at his own hands as if he was seeing them for the first time. "(I can't believe I did that. She'll kill me for touching her in…in that way. Still, it was worth it…) And…and anyway I think that everybody is allowed a charming and enchanting little quirk or two." Then he suddenly seemed to notice the presence of the others. "Er…that is…even otherwise hopelessly obnoxious barbarian Bhaalspawn, I meant. Yes. Yes, that's what I meant. You do understand that, don't you?" He looked pathetically desperate to be convincing.

"Oh, of course, Edwin," Jaheira said with a small snicker. "Of course."

Meanwhile, in the City of Baldur's Gate, another Child of Bhaal was also having what could best be described as a temper tantrum. "She did WHAT?!" Sarevok screamed at the top of his lungs, making ghouls and ghasts tremble even in the farthest reaches of the Undercity. "She destroyed my MINE?!"

"So it seems," Winski Perorate said, brushing some of the grit that had just landed on him off his clothes. "That is what my scrying indicates. And could you please try to lower your voice a little? I don't know how stable this place is, and I'd really rather not have the entire roof brought down on me."

The place in question was an abandoned old temple of Bhaal, situated far below the city. Dark and gloomy, decorated with a theme of skulls and bones and with deadly traps hidden everywhere, it rather suited Winski's temper. Sarevok liked it too, but more its grandiosity and pomp, not to mention the huge and rather hideously ugly golden throne placed on a large dais at one end. Perhaps it had once been meant for Bhaal's own divine buttocks, but Sarevok reasoned that it suited him far, far better. He was sitting on it at the moment, his face contorted with fury, and he'd managed to squeeze the armrests into unrecognizable metal lumps. "AAAAARRRRRGHHHH!" Sarevok screamed, making Winski wince a little as even more grit fell from the roof, along with a few rocks. "She is doing it again! First the Nashkel mines, now this! She's ruining everything!" He got to his feet and slammed his fist into the wall. "Everything is her fault! Everything, I tell you! She gets in my way, is a constant annoyance, and now she breaks my mine? It is intolerable!" * Wham * He slammed his fist into the wall again.

"Yes," Winski agreed, "we really must get her out of the way. The girl is rapidly becoming a serious threat. It's obvious those assassins we've employed so far haven't been good enough. How about Slythe and his wife Krystin? They're excellent."

"NO!" * Wham * "We need them here, you know that." * Wham * "To deal with the Grand Dukes, and the other targets in the City." * Wham *

The wizard sighed impatiently. "Then perhaps you can come up with a better candidate? Though I should warn you, it could take you some time. You aren't likely to find a Master Assassin hanging about the house, waiting to be employed."

"Then I'll deal with her myself," Sarevok snarled. * Wham * "It is past the time. She will not be able to stand against me, and I'll take great pleasure in wringing her bratty little neck." * Wham* The large warrior leapt off the dais with the grace of a springing lion, a grace all the more apparent since he for once wasn't wearing his favorite armor. Winski had pointed out that he really preferred seeing the face of a person he was conversing with, and Sarevok had grudgingly obliged him though he clearly stated that he didn't like it.

"Shall I go with you to help you locate her?" Winski asked.

"No. I'll find her myself." Sarevok's eyes were glowing like windows into Hell as his lips pulled back in a terrible smile. "We have a…connection. My sire has shown it to me. She is close to me, closer than any of my other siblings. She cannot hide from me. I will seek my little sister out, I will find her, and then I will destroy her. She is mine, and her death will burn brightly in my heart as I ascend to my Throne." He laughed, a deep and booming laugh, and clenched his fist in front of his face. Then he winced and looked just a little sheepish.

"Well?" Winski asked. "I thought you were off to kill, maim and destroy?"

"I…I am," Sarevok muttered. "Just as soon as I've seen a healer. I seem to have broken most of my finger bones. I knew I should have been wearing my armor…"