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Maintaining the Balance--Chapter the First


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#1 Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*

Posted 27 July 2003 - 07:40 PM

Hoo boy...I'm about to do the scariest thing I've ever done in my life, and post the first chapter of my Bhaalspawn story here. I need an audience that isn't my mom. I want to know whether I should continue writing this, and the people on the Attic are some of the best (and the nicest) BG writers I've found. I trust your opinions.

My hands are shaking so bad I can barely type, isn't that sad? *Deep breath.* Okay, that's better.

Anyway, the protagonist is Tansy, a half-elven druid. This is her Shadows of Amn story. If you guys like it (or if I do), maybe I'll go back and write a prequel.

Well, anyway, here it is and I hope you like it.

_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________

Maintaining the Balance

Cold…It’s dark, and it’s cold, and I can’t feel the earth. Where am I? Who am I? She tried to sit up, because her legs were drawn up to her chest, and they were cramped, and it was really starting to hurt. That’s when she discovered…

Bars? Iron…I’m in a cage! Why am I in a cage? Maneuvering carefully, she managed to sit up, very stiffly, and still with her legs pulled up uncomfortably close to her body. Her back was pressed against the side of the cage, the bars digging painfully into her flesh. Gotta stand up…My legs…

Still moving slowly, she grasped the bars at the side of the cage, and hauled herself painfully upwards, hand over hand. Slowly…slowly…there.

She succeeded in getting to her feet, but, when she tried to put weight on them and let go of the cage, they tingled and her knees shook and wouldn’t support her. She clung to the bars, holding herself upright by her arms, allowing her cramped muscles to release. Slowly, as she regained feeling, she was able to straighten up and loosen her grip on the side of her cage.

I did it! she exulted. This small victory was rapidly eclipsed by the next looming problem: where am I, and how do I get out?

Before she could even begin to work on this one, something happened. She felt a slight prickling on the back of her neck, a warning sense that something was not quite right. Peering out through the bars of her prison and into the gloom beyond, she saw…but what was it?

A small puckering in the air, a glowing scar of light. As she watched, it began to pull apart, a gaping hole hanging in space, and then….He stepped out.

She didn’t know precisely who he was, but the sight of him sent a prickle of cold fear down her back. His cold blue eyes regarded her dispassionately.

“Ahh. The child of Bhaal has awoken. It is time for more…experiments.” There was a nasty emphasis put on that last word.

No…no, please, Earthmother, don’t let him hurt me! Not again! Heraised his hands, and she was overtaken by blind panic. NO!

Colored fire danced around her, and pain wracked her body. She heard someone screaming, and wondered who it was. As she lost consciousness, she heard him speak again.

“Interesting. You have much untapped power. You don’t even realize your potential, do you?”

*****

He came back again. She didn’t know how many times, but he was there every time she woke up. She didn’t know what he wanted…All he ever spoke of was power. She had no power. She could no longer stand up. She couldn’t even move. Whatever he had done to her had robbed her of all her strength.

*****

“Wake up you! Wake up! Come on, we have to get out of here!” There was a girl standing over her, whispering urgently.

“Who--?” Her voice failed her. Her throat was raw, and her lips were cracked and bloody.

The figure moved, and her eyes focused, and she could see again, a female form outlined in red, the heat of her skin throwing off a visible light. And her face was familiar. No, not the face. It was the hair…But… Pink? Pink hair…Imoen…The name should mean something, but the meaning eluded her. Wait…Think...Imoen…Sister. My sister.

Her sister was tugging her arms, pulling her gently out of the cramped cage in which she was huddled, and speaking to her all the while.

“I don’t know if I can get out again, Tansy, come on, come out, come on.” Tansy? My name? …Yes. My name is Tansy.

“Imoen…sis…” she rasped.

“Yes, Tansy, I’m here.”

My sister...I’m safe… With this comforting, if completely illogical thought, her mind shut down, and she was willing to simply follow the younger girl wherever they needed to go.

#2 Guest_Userunfriendly_*

Posted 27 July 2003 - 08:45 PM

Hoo boy...I'm about to do the scariest thing I've ever done in my life, and post the first chapter of my Bhaalspawn story here. I need an audience that isn't my mom. I want to know whether I should continue writing this, and the people on the Attic are some of the best (and the nicest) BG writers I've found. I trust your opinions.


I know...its funny, but everyone of us who have stories posted we all write variations of the same speech...don't worry, it does get easier to hide that feeling after a while...but no, it never goes away, nor should it...that feeling is what motivates you to keep writing!

My hands are shaking so bad I can barely type, isn't that sad? *Deep breath.* Okay, that's better.


I always have a nice glass of soda, or iced tea before I press the "post" button myself...

Anyway, the protagonist is Tansy, a half-elven druid. This is her Shadows of Amn story. If you guys like it (or if I do), maybe I'll go back and write a prequel.


You should!!! story is very interesting!!!

Well, anyway, here it is and I hope you like it.
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________


Maintaining the Balance


Cold…It’s dark, and it’s cold, and I can’t feel the earth. Where am I? Who am I? She tried to sit up, because her legs were drawn up to her chest, and they were cramped, and it was really starting to hurt. That’s when she discovered…

Bars? Iron…I’m in a cage! Why am I in a cage? Maneuvering carefully, she managed to sit up, very stiffly, and still with her legs pulled up uncomfortably close to her body. Her back was pressed against the side of the cage, the bars digging painfully into her flesh. Gotta stand up…My legs…


good description!!! nice viewpoint...I like how you imply the cages are too small for the occupants to be comfortable...something that jonny would absolutely do...

Still moving slowly, she grasped the bars at the side of the cage, and hauled herself painfully upwards, hand over hand. Slowly…slowly…there.


:twisted: :) :)

She succeeded in getting to her feet, but, when she tried to put weight on them and let go of the cage, they tingled and her knees shook and wouldn’t support her. She clung to the bars, holding herself upright by her arms, allowing her cramped muscles to release. Slowly, as she regained feeling, she was able to straighten up and loosen her grip on the side of her cage.


yes, she would want to stand up...

I did it! she exulted. This small victory was rapidly eclipsed by the next looming problem: where am I, and how do I get out?


Before she could even begin to work on this one, something happened. She felt a slight prickling on the back of her neck, a warning sense that something was not quite right. Peering out through the bars of her prison and into the gloom beyond, she saw…but what was it?


A small puckering in the air, a glowing scar of light. As she watched, it began to pull apart, a gaping hole hanging in space, and then….He stepped out.

She didn’t know precisely who he was, but the sight of him sent a prickle of cold fear down her back. His cold blue eyes regarded her dispassionately.


I like the description of dimention door spell...

“Ahh. The child of Bhaal has awoken. It is time for more…experiments.” There was a nasty emphasis put on that last word.


No…no, please, Earthmother, don’t let him hurt me! Not again! Heraised his hands, and she was overtaken by blind panic. NO!


:) :mrgreen: :roll:

Colored fire danced around her, and pain wracked her body. She heard someone screaming, and wondered who it was. As she lost consciousness, she heard him speak again.


good description...she hears someone screaming...

“Interesting. You have much untapped power. You don’t even realize your potential, do you?”


not quite as verbose as a lot of the soliques in various chapter one scenes out there...I like that...I mean we all know the chapter one speeches anyway, I like the economy of words you are using...

*****


He came back again. She didn’t know how many times, but he was there every time she woke up. She didn’t know what he wanted…All he ever spoke of was power. She had no power. She could no longer stand up. She couldn’t even move. Whatever he had done to her had robbed her of all her strength.


:lol: 8) :)

*****


“Wake up you! Wake up! Come on, we have to get out of here!” There was a girl standing over her, whispering urgently.

“Who--?” Her voice failed her. Her throat was raw, and her lips were cracked and bloody.

The figure moved, and her eyes focused, and she could see again, a female form outlined in red, the heat of her skin throwing off a visible light. And her face was familiar. No, not the face. It was the hair…But… Pink? Pink hair…Imoen…The name should mean something, but the meaning eluded her. Wait…Think...Imoen…Sister. My sister.

Her sister was tugging her arms, pulling her gently out of the cramped cage in which she was huddled, and speaking to her all the while.

“I don’t know if I can get out again, Tansy, come on, come out, come on.” Tansy? My name? …Yes. My name is Tansy.

“Imoen…sis…” she rasped.

“Yes, Tansy, I’m here.”

My sister...I’m safe… With this comforting, if completely illogical thought, her mind shut down, and she was willing to simply follow the younger girl wherever they needed to go.


good descriptions!!! I found her story to be engrossing, and I want more!!!

btw...I love your signature!!!!

a half elven druid...hmmm...what kind? possibly a shapeshifter??? I don't recall anyone writing about a shapeshifter druid in any stories...or possibly an avenger druid? that would be a new bhaalspawn too...I mean all the stories that I've read here are generic druids...you might want to think about making her totemic, shapeshifter or avenger....you might have a lot of fun with a description of her shapeshifting, or summoning her spirit animals, or turning into a spider...

this could be very interesting...and I really like the economy of words you used...very subtle, and quite easy to read....

I like it!

#3 Guest_Theodur_*

Posted 27 July 2003 - 08:48 PM

Hoo boy...I'm about to do the scariest thing I've ever done in my life, and post the first chapter of my Bhaalspawn story here. I need an audience that isn't my mom. I want to know whether I should continue writing this, and the people on the Attic are some of the best (and the nicest) BG writers I've found. I trust your opinions.


My hands are shaking so bad I can barely type, isn't that sad? *Deep breath.* Okay, that's better.


Ah, you have absolutely no reason to worry about - your writing is very good and you should definitely continue with it. I will be looking forward to it, if that helps building the confidence... you should not be scared at all :)

Anyway, the protagonist is Tansy, a half-elven druid. This is her Shadows of Amn story. If you guys like it (or if I do), maybe I'll go back and write a prequel.



Hmm, I don't think I ever read a story where the protagonist is a druid - that should be interesting as druids have always been my favorites and a certain half-elven druid is my favorite NPC. I wonder how Tansy will get along with her :twisted:

He came back again. She didn’t know how many times, but he was there every time she woke up. She didn’t know what he wanted…All he ever spoke of was power. She had no power. She could no longer stand up. She couldn’t even move. Whatever he had done to her had robbed her of all her strength.


I like this. I really do. You know, I have read the Chateux Irenicus countless times so it is very hard to put anything new, but this is very good. You show the desperation of the protagonist really well - I suppose it would be that much harder for a druid to be locked up in a dark cell away from the nature :)

And very neatly formatted, I see that you have spent a lot of time on it. It shows - I'm impressed so far :mrgreen:

Imoen…sis…” she rasped.

“Yes, Tansy, I’m here.”

My sister...I’m safe… With this comforting, if completely illogical thought, her mind shut down, and she was willing to simply follow the younger girl wherever they needed to go.


Yes, Irenicus has done a lot of damage already, well portrayed... now rescue some friends of yours and get out of that place... :)

#4 Laufey

Posted 27 July 2003 - 08:51 PM

[quote]Hoo boy...I'm about to do the scariest thing I've ever done in my life, and post the first chapter of my Bhaalspawn story here. I need an audience that isn't my mom. I want to know whether I should continue writing this, and the people on the Attic are some of the best (and the nicest) BG writers I've found. I trust your opinions.
[/quote]

[quote]
My hands are shaking so bad I can barely type, isn't that sad? *Deep breath.* Okay, that's better.
[/quote]

[quote]
Anyway, the protagonist is Tansy, a half-elven druid. This is her Shadows of Amn story. If you guys like it (or if I do), maybe I'll go back and write a prequel.
[/quote]

[quote]
Well, anyway, here it is and I hope you like it.


Hey there! :twisted: I remember how scary it was posting those first stories...don't worry! I really liked it. There aren't many druid Bhaalspawn either, makes for a nice change.
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________

[quote]
Cold…It’s dark, and it’s cold, and I can’t feel the earth. Where am I? Who am I? She tried to sit up, because her legs were drawn up to her chest, and they were cramped, and it was really starting to hurt. That’s when she discovered…

Bars? Iron…I’m in a cage! Why am I in a cage? Maneuvering carefully, she managed to sit up, very stiffly, and still with her legs pulled up uncomfortably close to her body. Her back was pressed against the side of the cage, the bars digging painfully into her flesh. Gotta stand up…My legs…
[/quote]

You begin in the middle of the action, which is always good, since it draws the reader into the excitement. :) Do you think you will continue writing in the first person?


[quote]
A small puckering in the air, a glowing scar of light. As she watched, it began to pull apart, a gaping hole hanging in space, and then….He stepped out.

She didn’t know precisely who he was, but the sight of him sent a prickle of cold fear down her back. His cold blue eyes regarded her dispassionately.
[/quote]

[quote]
“Ahh. The child of Bhaal has awoken. It is time for more…experiments.” There was a nasty emphasis put on that last word.
[/quote]

Brrr...you capture his scariness very well, I think.

[quote]
He came back again. She didn’t know how many times, but he was there every time she woke up. She didn’t know what he wanted…All he ever spoke of was power. She had no power. She could no longer stand up. She couldn’t even move. Whatever he had done to her had robbed her of all her strength.
[/quote]

And you manage to bring out the nightmarish quality of these events.

[quote]
“Wake up you! Wake up! Come on, we have to get out of here!” There was a girl standing over her, whispering urgently.

“Who--?” Her voice failed her. Her throat was raw, and her lips were cracked and bloody.

The figure moved, and her eyes focused, and she could see again, a female form outlined in red, the heat of her skin throwing off a visible light. And her face was familiar. No, not the face. It was the hair…But… Pink? Pink hair…Imoen…The name should mean something, but the meaning eluded her. Wait…Think...Imoen…Sister. My sister.

Her sister was tugging her arms, pulling her gently out of the cramped cage in which she was huddled, and speaking to her all the while.

“I don’t know if I can get out again, Tansy, come on, come out, come on.” Tansy? My name? …Yes. My name is Tansy.

“Imoen…sis…” she rasped.

“Yes, Tansy, I’m here.”

My sister...I’m safe… With this comforting, if completely illogical thought, her mind shut down, and she was willing to simply follow the younger girl wherever they needed to go.[/quote]


Awww...a sweet and tender scene to end the chapter, with our own Immy. :) Very nice!
Rogues do it from behind.

#5 Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*

Posted 27 July 2003 - 09:22 PM

You should!!! story is very interesting!!!


That's quite a compliment, considering this is only the first chapter.

I like the description of dimention door spell...


Thank you!

not quite as verbose as a lot of the soliques in various chapter one scenes out there...I like that...I mean we all know the chapter one speeches anyway, I like the economy of words you are using...


I have so many game files that I can recite all the opening dialogue (and the bits with the Cowlies) right along with the game. That's usually the time I go and make a sandwich.

btw...I love your signature!!!!


Thanks...I like it too.

a half elven druid...hmmm...what kind? possibly a shapeshifter??? I don't recall anyone writing about a shapeshifter druid in any stories...or possibly an avenger druid? that would be a new bhaalspawn too...I mean all the stories that I've read here are generic druids...you might want to think about making her totemic, shapeshifter or avenger....you might have a lot of fun with a description of her shapeshifting, or summoning her spirit animals, or turning into a spider...


Tansy is actually a totemic druid, but she won't really be using any Kit-specific powers until later.

this could be very interesting...and I really like the economy of words you used...very subtle, and quite easy to read....


Oh, good! I was afraid my writing was too vague. My characters tend to trail off when they speak, and I use ellipses (...) way too much.

I like it!


I'm so glad!

#6 Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*

Posted 27 July 2003 - 09:30 PM

Ah, you have absolutely no reason to worry about - your writing is very good and you should definitely continue with it. I will be looking forward to it, if that helps building the confidence... you should not be scared at all :)


Thank you!

Hmm, I don't think I ever read a story where the protagonist is a druid - that should be interesting as druids have always been my favorites and a certain half-elven druid is my favorite NPC. I wonder how Tansy will get along with her :twisted:


Yes...Jaheira is one of my favorites as well.

And very neatly formatted, I see that you have spent a lot of time on it. It shows - I'm impressed so far :)


I try to keep my writing neat, because one of my petpeeves is to see a sloppily-formatted story, especially if it's otherwise very well-written.

I'm glad you like it.

#7 Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*

Posted 27 July 2003 - 09:38 PM

You begin in the middle of the action, which is always good, since it draws the reader into the excitement. :twisted: Do you think you will continue writing in the first person?


Yes, actually. Not entirely first-person, obviously, but this is the style taht I feel I'm best at, so this is what I'll use.

Brrr...you capture his scariness very well, I think.


Thanks...I actually took my inspiration from some of the stories I 've read here.

And you manage to bring out the nightmarish quality of these events.


Tansy is confused, and this is all the raw input from her senses. She has no idea how long she's been here, only that she's scared and that everything hurts.

Awww...a sweet and tender scene to end the chapter, with our own Immy. :) Very nice!


Thank you. I've always considered Immy to be the PC's sister in every sense of the word.

#8 Weyoun

Posted 28 July 2003 - 08:50 PM

Hoo boy...I'm about to do the scariest thing I've ever done in my life, and post the first chapter of my Bhaalspawn story here. I need an audience that isn't my mom. I want to know whether I should continue writing this, and the people on the Attic are some of the best (and the nicest) BG writers I've found. I trust your opinions.


Hey, good to see you here! Taking that big first step is always the hardest, but it gets easier from here. :P

Btw, how did you make those letters blue?

My hands are shaking so bad I can barely type, isn't that sad? *Deep breath.* Okay, that's better.


Don't worry, that's okay. We all went through that when we posted our first stories.

Anyway, the protagonist is Tansy, a half-elven druid. This is her Shadows of Amn story. If you guys like it (or if I do), maybe I'll go back and write a prequel.


Been wanting to do that for Tnt for ages now. Really should do a prequel sometimes.

Well, anyway, here it is and I hope you like it.


It was great, don't worry. :P

Cold…It’s dark, and it’s cold, and I can’t feel the earth. Where am I? Who am I? She tried to sit up, because her legs were drawn up to her chest, and they were cramped, and it was really starting to hurt. That’s when she discovered…

Bars? Iron…I’m in a cage! Why am I in a cage? Maneuvering carefully, she managed to sit up, very stiffly, and still with her legs pulled up uncomfortably close to her body. Her back was pressed against the side of the cage, the bars digging painfully into her flesh. Gotta stand up…My legs…


Poor Tansy. :P

He came back again. She didn’t know how many times, but he was there every time she woke up. She didn’t know what he wanted…All he ever spoke of was power. She had no power. She could no longer stand up. She couldn’t even move. Whatever he had done to her had robbed her of all her strength.


Dark tale. A dark tale for a debut is very hard to do, but you really did it very well.

The figure moved, and her eyes focused, and she could see again, a female form outlined in red, the heat of her skin throwing off a visible light. And her face was familiar. No, not the face. It was the hair…But… Pink? Pink hair…Imoen…The name should mean something, but the meaning eluded her. Wait…Think...Imoen…Sister. My sister.

Her sister was tugging her arms, pulling her gently out of the cramped cage in which she was huddled, and speaking to her all the while.

“I don’t know if I can get out again, Tansy, come on, come out, come on.” Tansy? My name? …Yes. My name is Tansy.

“Imoen…sis…” she rasped.

“Yes, Tansy, I’m here.”

My sister...I’m safe… With this comforting, if completely illogical thought, her mind shut down, and she was willing to simply follow the younger girl wherever they needed to go.


Aw, that was a perfect scene! It was a great story and i'd love to see more!
---Weyoun
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!

---

"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi

#9 Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*

Posted 28 July 2003 - 10:09 PM

Btw, how did you make those letters blue?


Underneath where you can bold, underline, etc., there's a pull-down box that says "Font Colour: Default." Highlight the text you want to be colored, click the arrow, and pick the color.

It was great, don't worry. :P


That's great praise, considering that yours was the first good BG story I ever read. (Have you ever seen the crap on fanfiction.net?)

Dark tale. A dark tale for a debut is very hard to do, but you really did it very well.


I never considered myself a dark writer (I've tried, and I don't do it well), but I guess this part was, a little bit.

Aw, that was a perfect scene! It was a great story and i'd love to see more!
---Weyoun


Thank you! I'm quite flattered.

#10 Weyoun

Posted 28 July 2003 - 11:52 PM

Underneath where you can bold, underline, etc., there's a pull-down box that says "Font Colour: Default." Highlight the text you want to be colored, click the arrow, and pick the color.


Ah! Would you believe I never noticed even though I've been using this board-software for nearly a year now? :P

That's great praise, considering that yours was the first good BG story I ever read.


:P You're making me blush here. thanks so much! :P

(Have you ever seen the crap on fanfiction.net?)


Oh, believe me, I went in once and ran back screaming to the Attic... Though there were some occasional gems, like Blue sorceress' stories. And I tend to sneak into FF.net to check out a Sailor Moon story or two, otherwise I avoid it like the plague. :P

Thank you! I'm quite flattered.


My pleasure!

---Weyoun
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!

---

"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi

#11 Guest_Hunter_*

Posted 29 July 2003 - 06:04 AM

My sister...I’m safe… With this comforting, if completely illogical thought, her mind shut down, and she was willing to simply follow the younger girl wherever they needed to go.[/quote]

It was a good beginning

Hunter




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