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Hello Cthulhu #5


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#1 Guest_Userunfriendly_*

Posted 25 May 2003 - 03:12 AM

The party quickly talked with Captain Arat, and he agreed that the wave of D'Arnise troops should secure the main floor of the keep...with the keep divided in two, and the soldiers holding the main stair wells, this would allow the party to clear the second floor quickly, and use the secret stairs in the chapel to sneak to the bottom floor, and hopefully take the lagest force of trolls by surprise...

Hellocthul led the party up to the second floor...they met Glacius, and using the ring of human influence, they managed to uncharm him...

Glacius didn't have much information, just that the trolls answered to a "stronger"...who this stronger could be was the question...they secured the second part of the flail of the ages from Glacius and moved out...

As they neared the chapel, they ran into smaller bands of roving trolls, easily dispatched by Hellocthul and Jaheira, and a few fire arrows...

Once they reached Lady Delcia's room, things got more interesting...

Lady Delcia: Oh it is like a nightmare...more smelly peasants trampling up my nice clean hallways...pfew...you lot seem smellier than the trolls and quite a bit dumber...obviously you are all creatures of the streets, the scum and refuse that float to the top of the cesspool that is the mass of commoners...

Minsc: Minsc sees evil! This evil creature will now feel the mighty Boot of Goodness on Tush of Evilness!!!

Nalia: No!!! Minsc, that is my Aunt Delcia....sorry aunty!!!

Lady Delcia: Nalia??? NALIA SAMANTHA LAUREN DE'ARNISE!!! What are you doing with these walking piles of Garbage! We are going to need to have you de-loused right away!!!

Nalia looked at her aunt spouting vile torrents of abuse at her friends, and she thought of waking up this morning in Hellocthul's arms, sleeping without nightmares for the first time in weeks, and how Hellocthul and Jaheira always made sure Minsc was guarding her...and she made a decision, she grabbed Hellocthul's hand, and said brightly...

Nalia: Hello aunty, this is my lover, Hellocthul!!!

Lady Delcia turned pale, stood up, tottered over to the bed, and flamboyantly passed out, her arms dramatically thrown foward, and with a small (yet highly cultured) scream...

Nalia quickly checked her pulse, and grinned, and said "let's go"

Hellocthul: Immy? Do you have a lemon we can stuff in her mouth, so she will wake up sour? Immy....oh damn....

The party moved into the chapel, and Hellocthul recognized that the master of the golems had set all the golems to activate if the magic treasure in the statue's alcoves were touched, but the idiot had forgotten to set the golems to defend each other!!!

Nalia and Hellocthul had a good giggle about that, and Hellocthul cast the strength spell on Jaheira, and she using her magical quarterstaff bashed them into broken ceramic and one giant piece of iron...

The party moved to the bottom level of the keep, and Hellocthul cast farsight...they lured the umber hulks into the next room, and Nalia used her wand of cloudkill, and Minsc barred the door with a door blocker...

Nalia: Amazing tool, daddy never mentioned this tool in his adventuring stories...

Jaheira: They were invented only a few years ago...makes adventuring much less dangerous...Hellocthul and I always made sure we had about a dozen of them in the sword coast...much, much more useful than the Janssen Turnip Bomb...

Nalia: The Janssen Turnip Bomb? What did that do?

Jaheira: Oh, it was suppose to allow a non mage adventurer to toss in a bomb filled with a choking, coughing and tearing agent into a room full of monsters, unfortunately it had a disadvantage. You see, the gas was extracted from turnips, and an adventurer had to make herself immune to the turnip gas by eating turnips...lots of turnips. So after Hellocthul got her stinky cloud spell, we threw them away. If I ever see another turnip in my plate...

Hellocthul: But the next day, as we were leaving Baldur's Gate, we found out Imoen picked them off the trash, and she went up to the highest tower in the city, and lobbed them at the passing ships...We left in a much bigger hurry after she rejoined us...But ladies, and gentlemen, of course (Yoshimo smirked,) let's move on.

Hellocthul cast another farsight, and saw inside the room...

Hellocthul: Ok, Jaheira, Nalia, cast sanctuary and invisibility, while I cast mislead, you two grab your father, and I will hold off the spirit trolls, who can see invisible...

Hellocthul led the way, and the three of them were attacked by a large force of invisible spirit trolls...

Hellocthul: Grab him and take off!

Jaheira and Nalia grabbed the groaning body of Lord De'Arnise, and ran out the room...

Hellocthul: Chhuuuuuu!

Hello Cthulhu waved her hands, and said "tax time!!!"

A giant disembodied spectral voice intoned these awful words.

Giant disembodied spectral voice: Torgal, you have failed to file your 1040 Easy form in triplicate, with all W-2 forms and all itemized sales receipts. Failure to file on time constitutes breach in civic responsibilities and is punishable by forfeiture of your Head. Here are the forms to aid in your filing. Have a nice day.

A blizzard of paper began to drop from the ceiling, and all the trolls were sliced to death by thousands on thousands of tiny but very annoying and painful paper cuts...

Hello Cthulhu danced on the huge mound of paper that covered the Family Crypt...and the trolls...

Nalia walked to the dancing Hello Cthulhu on shaky steps...

Nalia: Hellocthul??? Is that really you???

Nalia got down on her knees, and carefully hugged Hello Cthulhu...her soft, green fur covered mouth tentacles tickled Nalia's ear, making her giggle. Nalia stroked Hello Cthulh's fur, and her shock melted away.

Jaheira: Nalia?

Nalia: How is my father??? Is he ok???

Jaheira: He is fine, and he will be well in a very short time...he is asleep now...

Nalia rushed over to her father's side...

Jaheira: Hmmm...paper cut to death...very painful way to go, I would think...(she picks up one of the sheets) Oh my, form 1047 Easy, form 1096 Easy, and form 10-Googol Easy...in Silvana's Name...they were shredded by tax forms...here, little one, have a cookie...

The next day, the crew were awakened by the smell of breakfast.




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