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Chapter 13


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#1 Guest_Chantrys_*

Posted 30 October 2003 - 02:41 AM

Narrator: As the party reappears in Amkethran, Kelsey clears his throat.
Kelsey: Despite what I said in the last game, I think I’m ready to get married. So I bought you a house.
Kirwond: Am I going to have to clean it?
Kelsey: Of course not. That’s what our invisible stalkers will do.
Kirwond: Okay, then, I accept.
Kelsey: Woohoo! Here’s your enchanted engagement ring.
Kirwond: You do know that I’m a cavalier and therefore immune to fear already, right?
Kelsey: Uh…
Kirwond: That’s okay. It’s the thought that counts.

Narrator: Before they can go too far, Kelsey spies his uncle Birinar.
Kelsey: You!
Birinar: Um…hi. How’s it going?
Kelsey: Kelvim told me all about the slaves and drugs and sorcery. What’s up with that?
Birinar: Lies! Vicious slander!
Kelsey: And the family discount?
Birinar: Uh…heheheh…yes…okay, I did it! I did all of it!
Kelsey: You sad little man. You’re going down. Give me your ring.
Birinar: But…
Kelsey: Or I’ll fireball you so hard that there will be nothing left of you but ash.
Birinar: Okay, okay... *hands over ring and leaves*
Kirwond: Wow, Kelsey, that was so…forceful.
Kelsey: Do away with the family discount…I should have fireballed him from behind.
Kirwond: I’m so turned on, I don’t even think I need a scented candle.
Kelsey: Really? Maybe we should head for the inn anyway. Sand in uncomfortable places and all that.

Narrator: The party rounds the corner and meets up with a familiar face from the past.
Saemon Havarian: Hiya, babe!
Kirwond: Oh, no.
Saemon: I’m here to help you get inside Balthazar’s fortress. Really. Won’t you trust me?
Kirwond: I’m probably being an idiot, but what the hell. Let’s go.

Narrator: Amazingly, Saemon does exactly what he says he will. Inside the fortress, the party confronts Balthazar.
Kirwond: You! You’re one of the Five, aren’t you!
Balthazar: Yes, but I’m only going along with them for the greater good. My plan is to kill all the Bhaalspawn and then myself, and therefore prevent Bhaal from being resurrected.
Kirwond: Oh. Um. Hmmm. That actually does sound like a solution. Except that I don’t want to be dead.
Imoen: Neither do I!
Balthazar: Too bad.
Kirwond: Look, can’t we work something out?
Balthazar: Do you have the Ascension mod installed?
Kirwond: Uh, no.
Balthazar: Then your puny attempts to change my mind will not work! I challenge you to mortal combat!

Narrator: Round One! Fight!
Kirwond: Flaming Sword Attack!
Balthazar: Drunken Monkey Stumble!
Kirwond: Flying Bhaalspawn Kick!
Balthazar: Urgh…
Narrator: FINISH HIM!
Kirwond: 4-Hit Combo! Holy Avenger Strike!
Balthazar: You may have won this round, but my faithful minion Subzero will defeat you. *dies*
Narrator: Fatality! Flawless Victory!
Subzero: I shall never surrender!
Narrator: Round Two! Fight!
Kirwond: Oh, the hell with this. *lops off Subzero’s head*
Narrator: Awwww…oh well. The party gets sucked back into the pocket plane.

Solar: Here I am, godchild! You are almost at the end…or the beginning. I’ve brought a friend.
Melissan: Hello, Kirwond.
Kirwond: Melissan!
Melissan: I am not Melissan. I am Amelyssan the Blackhearted, and you have been duped into furthering my evil scheme!
Anomen: Oh, man, I knew this was going to happen.
Sarevok: Yes, yes, we all knew this was going to happen. Just let her get on with the exposition.
Amelyssan: Yes, it was I who had you kill all of the Bhaalspawn, releasing their essence to my computer. And now I shall harness its energy and become a god.
Kirwond: We will stop you, Melissan…
Amelyssan: Amelyssan.
Kirwond: Whatever. We will stop you, for the sake of all we hold dear, no matter the cost. This kind of evil plotting cannot be allowed.
Amelyssan: Yeah? Bring it on. *disappears*
Solar: Guess I don’t even need to ask you a question. That was so goody-goody it made even me want to puke. Better get your equipment in order. You’re going to need it.

Narrator: But first, Sarevok has something to say.
Sarevok: *pulls out character sheet* You know, I’ve had so much fun with you that I’ve decided to change my alignment. *crosses out Chaotic Evil and writes in Chaotic Good*
Kirwond: Wow. Thanks, Sarevok. What changed your mind?
Sarevok: You’ve shown me that are a lot of advantages to being good. You get better prices. And those annoying soldiers don’t spawn every few steps.
Imoen: Don’t forget that you can still steal things. Just don’t get caught and your reputation will remain sky-high!
Kirwond: And you can still kill people, so long as you spout righteous doctrine before you do it! Everything’s okay so long as you’re saving the world!
Kelsey: Speaking of which, when you’re done saving the world this time, you’re going to come home with me, right? And get married, right?
Kirwond: I said I would, didn’t I?
Kelsey: Just checking.




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