Chapter 10

Narrator: The party gets back on track, travelling to the Forest of Mir in search of a mysterious temple.
Gorion: Halt! I wish to speak with you, my old ward!
Kirwond: Um… aren’t you dead?
Gorion: Suspend your disbelief for a second so that I can yell at you. Shape up! Fly right! Quit smiting evil and get a real job!
Kirwond: But I have to smite evil! It’s my destiny!
Gorion: Destiny schmestiny. As long as you live under MY roof, you will obey my rules.
Kelsey: But Kir doesn’t live under your roof anymore...
Gorion: And you! You’re clearly a bad influence on my ward, with your swishy pink robes and your feminine name.
Kirwond: You leave my man alone, you big meanie! Hey, what’s that cord?
Gorion: No, don’t touch that!

Narrator: Kirwond discovers that Gorion’s face is in fact a rubber mask. Behind that mask is…
Kirwond: Elminster? No, this can’t be right. *reaches out again*
Narrator: The mask pulls off to reveal…
Everyone: An evil wraith!
Wraith: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for you pesky kids.

Narrator: Although the party easily defeats the wraith, Kelsey is in no mood for celebration.
Kelsey: My robes are not swishy! Or pink!
Kirwond: Of course not, love. It was all a horrible lie.
Kelsey: And my name…
Kirwond: …is extremely manly. Just like you.
Kelsey: Awww…you are my favorite heroine. You know, I could really use some…
Kirwond: This forgotten temple to Bhaal is NOT romantic.
Kelsey: But…
Kirwond: Even with scented candles.
Kelsey: Damn.

Narrator: Within the temple lives a batty old woman.
Nyalee: Hee! I know how you can defeat Yaga-Shura! Sneak into the Marching Mountains and bring me his enchanted heart! Then I shall remove the enchantment and braise it with some red wine and mushrooms, and we shall feast!
Keldorn: Ick.
Nyalee: Oh, and bring me some wine! And mushrooms!

Narrator: The party explores the Marching Mountains, finding a temple filled with fire giants. After killing them all, they end up in Yaga-Shura’s bedroom.
Kirwond: If I were an invincible fire giant, where would I keep my only vulnerability?
Imoen: Under the mattress, next to the dirty magazines?
Kirwond: That’s amazing, Imoen. How did you know it would be there?
Imoen: I downloaded the walkthrough.

Helm: Happy advancement to 25th level, Anomen! Here’s a little present from me to you!
Anomen: Wow, a holy symbol. I am truly honored to have attracted such…wait a minute…a holy symbol of Lathander?
Helm: Uh…heheheh…how did that get in there…
Real Helm: Lathander! Are you trying to steal my clerics again?
Lathander: So! You have discovered my little plan! *runs away*
Helm: Come back here! *runs after him*
Keldorn: What are you going to do with that, Anomen?
Anomen: I guess I’ll keep it while they sort the whole thing out.

Narrator: The group returns to the little temple in the forest.
Nyalee: You have Yaga-Shura’s heart! Delicious!
Imoen: We brought some wine, too.
Nyalee: So I see… *takes a sip* Wait… wine in a box? You cheap bastards! *dies*
Kelsey: That was unfortunate. Now who will remove the enchantment from the heart?
Imoen: Give it to me. I’ll do it.
Anomen: How do you know what to do?
Imoen: I’m an archmage. I can do anything.
Anomen: Except wear heavy armor. Or raise the dead. Or…
Imoen: Oh, shut up.

Narrator: After a short rest in the pocket plane, the party arrives amidst the smoking ruins of Saradush.
Kirwond: Nice décor. I guess we shouldn’t have messed around in Watcher’s Keep for so long.
Yaga-Shura: Ah, there you are. Do you know what time it is?
Kirwond: Is it Miller time?
Yaga-Shura: No, it’s time for you to die. And don’t point your sword at me… it won’t even leave a scratch.
Kirwond: Ah, but we found your heart, so my sword will carve you up like buttah.
Yaga-Shura: Shoot. What's the point of coming up with clever longevity tricks if they can be undone? *dies*
Keldorn: Try eating your Wheaties. It works for me.

Narrator: The party is whisked to the pocket plane before anyone can loot Yaga-Shura’s corpse.
Imoen: Hey!
Solar: Sorry. I have to ask some questions to find out whether Kirwond is good or evil.
Kirwond: Isn’t it obvious?
Solar: No. Question One. If your mother was planning to sacrifice you to Bhaal and Gorion swooped in to save you from a messy death, how many times should you apologize to Sarevok for being saved instead of him?
Kirwond: Once?
Solar: *makes note on clipboard* Interesting. *disappears*
Kirwond: Was that right or wrong?
Sarevok: I think you should be grovelling at my feet for all eternity, but that’s just me.

Narrator: The party is then returned to the battlefield, free to rob corpses as they please.
Kirwond: Yay!
Keldorn: Kirwond! You are a paladin! Remember what that means!
Kirwond: Oh, right. Hurrah!
Keldorn: That's more like it.
Melissan: Kirwond! I have some more people for you to kill!
Kirwond: Oh, joy.
Melissan: First you need to cross a desert to get to the town of Amkethran, where a friend of mine will take care of you. Then you can go and kill the remaining members of the Five, Sendai and Abazigal.
Kelsey: But that only makes four…
Melissan: Bye! *disappears*
Anomen: Maybe she can’t count.
Kirwond: Yes, I’m sure that explains it.