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Chapter 9


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#1 Guest_Chantrys_*

Posted 29 October 2003 - 02:22 PM

Narrator: The party appears in the pocket plane.
Cespenar: Good evening, madam. May I take your cloak?
Kirwond: Who are you?
Cespenar: I am Cespenar, your impish little butler. Oh, yes!
Kirwond: I see. And what can you do for me besides…buttle?
Cespenar: Well, if you bring me lots of gems and money and creepy things like monster hearts and chopped-off hands, I can improve your weapons.
Kirwond: For example?
Cespenar: I can make your holy avenger even more ridiculously overpowered.
Kirwond: Cool! More power!

Narrator: Meanwhile, on the other side of the room…
Jaheira: Imoen, I could have easily asked you this in the last game, but I was not programmed to. Since you are also a child of Bhaal, are you going to turn all evil on us?
Imoen: Me? Heck, no. I’m just going to gain some minor powers, steal things from your packs and engage in a little blackmail.
Jaheira: Anything good so far?
Imoen: Well, Kelsey has some really interesting stuff in his journal…
Kelsey: Hey! I paid good money to keep your mouth shut!
Imoen: And Keldorn had a really nice ring, until I took it.
Keldorn: You stole from me, Imoen? And here I thought you wanted my body.
Imoen: I do want your body.
Keldorn: Oh. Well that’s all right, then.

Narrator: Now it’s time to go out and find Yaga-Shura’s weakness before he destroys Saradush.
Kirwond: So the powers of the Abyss will send me anywhere I want to go?
Sarevok: Within reason. Where do you want to go today?
Kirwond: I want to go to the Forest of Mir!
Narrator: The party appears in an open plain.
Kirwond: Stupid pocket plane. I bet it was engineered by Microsoft.

Merchants: Help! Save us from these evil soldiers!
Keldorn: Let’s save the only one with a name. He must be important.
Karthis al-Hezzar: Thank you for rescuing me…Kelsey? Is that you?
Kelsey: Why, Karthis! How have you been? Any chance of a discount from you?
Karthis: *falls over laughing*
Kelsey: That’s what I thought.

Narrator: After they finish their shopping, Imoen sees a building in the distance.
Imoen: Look! Over there! It’s a big creepy keep with some priests of Helm on top of it!
Sarevok: There is power in places such as this.
Kirwond: Really? Well, forget Saradush, then, let’s go and loot it.
Everyone: Yay!!! Loot! Loot! Loot! Loot!

Narrator: Still chanting, the party approaches the Watcher’s Keep.
Odren: Ah, the child of Bhaal has come! Please, save our worthless souls!
Kirwond: What do you want from us?
Odren: It’s very simple. Take this scroll down to the very bottom level of the Watcher’s Keep, and seal up the ancient evil that we were too frightened to approach.
Anomen: Why, what is it?
Odren: We don’t know! We were too frightened to approach!
Anomen: Oh, right.

Narrator: The party enters the Keep, scooping up valuables left and right as they descend.
Ghost: How dare you disturb my eternal rest…hey! Those are my slippers you’re wearing!
Imoen: These? *sticks out foot* Why would you own fuzzy pink slippers?
Ghost: They feel so nice against my skin. And they were on sale!
Imoen: Fine, you can have them back.
Ghost: Thank you so much! Now I just need to find my feather boa and my curlers. Then I can have a nice relaxing evening.
Kirwond: You don’t mind if we rob your sarcophagus, do you?
Ghost: Go for it!

Narrator: The party threads their way through the next two levels, leaving rivers of blood in their wake. Suddenly, they come face to face with a fearsome demon!
Aesgareth: Fearsome? Moi? Never. I merely wish to play a game of cards with you.
Kirwond: What sort of game?
Aesgareth: It is very simple. We will each pick a card from my extra-deadly Deck of Many Things. Whoever survives gets to leave through that portal.
Kirwond: I’m always up for a challenge.
Aesgareth: Since it’s my deck, I get to go first. *draws card* What? Card of Instant Death? This su... *disintegrates*

Kirwond: Whew! That was fun! Let’s rest a moment before going down to the next level.
Anomen: My Lady, I have a question for you.
Kirwond: Shoot.
Anomen: Despite the fact that you’re still with Kelsey, I just have to know… don’t you find me attractive at ALL?
Kirwond: Yes, but…
Anomen: Good! Shall I call you for breakfast or just nudge you?
Kirwond: Oh, now, wait a minute. I don’t want to roast in Demogorgon’s belly!
Anomen: I mean, how dare you hit on me! I’m going to flounce off and pretend that we never had this conversation!

Narrator: Finally, they reach the final level of the Watcher’s Keep.
Mysterious Figure: Welcome to my lair. I hope you have enjoyed the journey, since it will be your last.
Kirwond: What are you talking about?
Mysterious Figure: If you read the scroll that Odren gave you, you’ll be sealed in here with me to play naked Twister for all eternity.
Kirwond: Oh, please. What are the chances that an ancient evil would tell the truth? *reads scroll*
Narrator: Suddenly the exits are sealed!
Kirwond: Crap.
Mysterious Figure: *starts setting up the Twister mat*
Imoen: Look, isn’t there some way we can get out of here? I'm naturally bendy, but you really don't want to see Anomen on one of those.
Anomen: I'll have you know that my figure won first place at the Order's wet T-shirt contest... why are you kicking me?
Mysterious Figure: Oh, fine. I’ll open the portal out if you send Odren and his cronies in to be my lunch. And tell them to bring some mustard.

Narrator: The party appears next to the startled Knights.
Odren: Kirwond! I never expected to see you again… I mean, welcome back! Why are you here?
Kirwond: There's a group of Vigil Knights in there who want to have lunch with you. Oh, and they want you to bring some mustard.
Odren: Okely-dokely! Come, my brethren!
Kirwond: *locks door behind them* Suckers.

Narrator: Suddenly, a ghostly figure appears.
Ghost Knight: Hail, Child of Bhaal. You have been deceived!
Imoen: Yeah, we figured that one out already.
Ghost Knight: There’s more. Odren also neglected to tell you the true nature of the ancient evil. It is in fact the Prince of Demons, Bill Gates.
Kelsey: *gasp* Inconceivable! He has a million hit points and maximum Charisma! What should we do?
Ghost Knight: You could go in there and save Odren, run away, or read this new scroll which will seal the Keep forever.
Kirwond: We’ve already ransacked the Keep... which way gets us more experience?
Ghost Knight: Read the scroll.

Narrator: And that’s exactly what they did.
Sarevok: Hey, Kirwond, didn’t you just leave Odren and his friends in there to rot without letting them have a chance to redeem themselves?
Kirwond: Um… yes… but I did it for the greater good.
Sarevok: Oh. I see. Being good is more interesting than I thought.




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