Chapter 4

Narrator: After an uneventful voyage, the party disembarks at the port of Brynnlaw.
Kirwond: Wow, that was an uneventful voyage.
Keldorn: Yes. I noticed nothing suspicious, and especially not the secret signals being flashed to those ships behind us.
Saemon: Are you sure you won’t succumb to my cheesy pickup lines, Kirwond?
Kelsey: Yes! She’s sure!
Saemon: What a shame. I guess I’ll betray you to the vampires then.
Yoshimo: I knew this was going to happen…I mean, what a shocking turn of events!

Narrator: The party easily kills the vampires, but cannot manage to hit Saemon once as he casually strolls away. Grumbling in disgust, they turn their attention to the town.
Ginia: Save me!
Claire: No, me!
Sanik: No, me! Me first!
Kirwond: Why does this happen everywhere I go?
Yoshimo: Your reputation is too high. I could lower it a little for you…
Kirwond/Keldorn/Anomen/Kelsey: NO!
Jaheira: Well, I thought it was a good suggestion…

Narrator: After saving everyone who needed saving (except for Sanik, who quickly got himself killed), Kirwond figures out that there are two ways into Spellhold. Naturally, she chooses the most interesting way.
Kirwond: I’m a GOD! A god, I tell you!
Desharik: Of course you are.
Kirwond: You do not believe me? Your legs will swell to the size of tree trunks! Your intestines will be wound around a tree until you are sorry!
Desharik: *yawn*
Kirwond: Jan Jansen will come and tell you stories until your ears fall off!
Desharik: Aieeeee! Take them away, take them away!
Yoshimo: Amazing. I didn’t even need to use my secret password.
Keldorn: What?
Yoshimo: Uh, nothing.

Narrator: The party wakes up in Spellhold. After a few minutes of chatting with the charming inmates, they are interrupted by the opening door. Irenicus and Imoen step inside.
Irenicus: So, you have come for your Imoen. Well, here she is!
Imoen: The pain…the pain…
Kirwond: Imoen! Have you been eating chocolate-covered rutabaga again?
Imoen: Yes…Irenicus made me down fifteen pounds of it in one sitting…so cold…
Kirwond: You fiend!
Irenicus: Wait until you see what I have in store for you. Oh, and don’t try to fight, Yoshimo has already drugged you.
Jaheira: Yoshimo is the traitor? I guess all those offhand remarks he made about his upcoming betrayal meant something.
Yoshimo: What can I say? Irenicus put a geas on me and forced me to do his evil bidding!
Irenicus: I thought it was the fifty million gold pieces I deposited in your secret account.
Yoshimo: That too.

Narrator: The party falls unconscious. After a suitable interval, Kirwond wakes, alone and strapped inside a device of torture.
Kirwond: What’s going on? What are these two big speakers by my ears?
Irenicus: Allow me to demonstrate. *flips a switch*
Disembodied Voice: *sings* Oops! I think I did it again…
Kirwond: No! Shut it off! Shut it off!
DV: *sings* I played with your heart…got lost in the game…ooh baby baby…
Kirwond: Oh, the pain! *faints*
Irenicus: *switches off device* Well, that was easy. Fetch me a straw, Bodhi, and I’ll suck out her soul.
Bodhi: Why can’t I just bite her?
Irenicus: Don’t be greedy.

Narrator: And so the evil duo remove our heroine’s soul. Kirwond regains consciousness, weakened in body, but not in determination.
Kirwond: You can’t defeat me! My dream told me so!
Irenicus: Uh huh. Look, I’ve taken your soul, just like Bodhi took your sister’s.
Kirwond: Sister? You mean…Imoen?
Bodhi: Took you long enough.
Kirwond: But if Imoen's a Bhaalspawn, how come we can resurrect her? Shouldn't she turn into dust when she...
Irenicus: Silence!!! Bodhi, take Kirwond, Imoen, and their companions to the maze below the asylum. We shall not be needing them anymore.
Bodhi: Shouldn’t we just kill them while they’re helpless? Otherwise they might escape and foil our evil plans.
Irenicus: Don’t be silly. When has that ever happened?

Narrator: The party is taken to the asylum maze.
Bodhi: Here is your equipment, weapons, and armor. You have an infinite length of time to solve puzzles and attempt to escape before I come for you with my vampiric coterie. *disappears*
Imoen: Idiots. Hey, Kir, how are you feeling?
Kirwond: I feel peachy keen! Irenicus said he took my soul, but I don’t believe… *falls over*
Jaheira: Oh, that can’t be good. *helps Kirwond up*
Kirwond: Thanks. Let’s get going so that we can foil Irenicus’ evil plot. Did you happen to hear what it was?
Imoen: Nope. Too busy throwing up.

Narrator: The party works their way through endless puzzles and battles, all designed to batter the fading remnants of their sanity. When at last they reach the exit, they have had it.
Bodhi: Here you are at last. What took you so long?
Kirwond: Those &%*#(! puzzles! They made me so mad that I just want to… *changes into Slayer*
Bodhi: Eeeek! Even though Irenicus warned me this would happen, I am not prepared for the reality of it all! We must flee!
Imoen: No, don’t go! We need you as shields!

Narrator: The vampires flee, and Kirwond returns to normal before she hurts anyone. Too badly.
Anomen: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Keldorn: Quit your whining. Is that any way for a Knight of the Order to behave?
Anomen: You were behaving that way just a moment ago. I was merely following your sterling example.

Kelsey: Kir, are you all right?
Kirwond: No. Do you know what day it is?
Kelsey: Er...the day you lost your soul?
Kirwond: It's my birthday. And I don't see any roses or teddy bears.
Kelsey: Uh-oh.
Kirwond: I want to see some grovelling. Now.
Kelsey: Let me make it up to you. I'll caress your hair, your cheekbones, your lovely…scales? Oh, crap.
Slayer: RAAAARRRRRR!!!
Kelsey: Please don’t kill me, Kir. I swear I’ll buy you roses as soon as we get to the surface. I’ll never forget your birthday again.
Kirwond: Wha…what happened?
Kelsey: I forgot your…I mean, you turned into the Slayer and tried to kill me for no reason at all!
Kirwond: I’m so sorry, love.
Kelsey: I forgive you.

Narrator: As the group reaches the upper levels of Spellhold, Imoen concocts a plan to deal with Irenicus once and for all.
Imoen: I say we string him up by his thumbs and tickle him until he dies of laughter.
Kirwond: Okay, but how are we going to get him into that position without dying ourselves?
Dradeel: I’ll help you tie up the bad doggie!
Dili: And me!
Aphril: And me!
Tiax: Tiax rules all!
Wanev: We shall teleport right in front of him and shout “BOO!� And then we shall kill him and teleport away. He will never expect that.

Narrator: They teleport into Irenicus’ secret lab…
Everyone: BOO!
Irenicus: Aaaaahhhh! I never expected that! Now all of my defenses are down!
Kirwond: Give me my soul back! Now!
Irenicus: But in the two seconds it took you to say that, I’ve put up new defenses. Now I shall kill you all.

Narrator: An epic battle is fought, but Irenicus gets away.
Kirwond: Great. Now we have to go and catch him.
Wanev: What are we supposed to do now that Spellhold is destroyed?
Irenicus: *pops back in* Oops, forgot to tie up the loose ends. *kills Spellhold residents before disappearing again*
Yoshimo: Don’t look so sad…now you get to kill me.
Kirwond: But I don’t want to kill you.
Yoshimo: You will when you find out that it was me who stole your underwear and not Anomen.
Anomen: Hah!
Kirwond: My last clean pair! Feel my blade through your treacherous heart!
Yoshimo: Sorry! Bring my heart to a temple of Ilmater! *dies*
Imoen: Eeeeew…won’t it rot?
Kirwond: Not if we keep it in your bag of holding and refrigeration.

Saemon: To make up for my earlier betrayal, I’ll take you back to Athkatla free of charge.
Keldorn: Or we can go through this mysterious portal that Irenicus went through.
Saemon: Oh, you don’t want to go in there. Trust me.
Kirwond: Hands up everyone who’d rather go through the portal than set foot on Saemon’s ship!
Narrator: Six pairs of hands wave in the air.
Saemon: Fair enough. You’ll end up in the Underdark either way.