Bar the window, draw the drapes, lock the door! For my mind fears what lies outside. Is that really moonlight dappling the trees? Streetlights flickering in the breeze? Or torches from an angry possee? An avenging mage's foul magics? A dragon in battle?
Bar the window, draw the drapes, lock the door! For I'm afraid to be alone tonight. Is it windy without? Or have birds taken to wing? ---And are they really birds, or bats about to Transform?-- Or perhaps the spirits of the slain cluster in wait, accusing me with their whispers?
Bar the window, draw the drapes, lock the door! But...it's not safe inside, either. Trunks that turn to fiends, shadows that coalesce into substance, monsters that teleport in when I blink. I do not want to blink, but I have become so sleepy...
Bar the window, draw the drapes, lock the door! Is that really you? Or are you just another figment? An illithid-spawned fantasy? Or perhaps a doppelgänger?
*********
A/N: Hi! This is semi-on, because it attempts to show the thought processes of a Bhaalspawn under the influence.
Bar the Window (semi-ON) (short)
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, Oct 14 2003 12:43 AM
14 replies to this topic
#2
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Posted 14 October 2003 - 03:19 AM
this one puzzled me on the first read...
who is the point of view???
the doppelgangers and the slain suggests that this is the protagonist...but this protagonist is acting in a most unusual manner...i mean the years have taught all the pc's that you can't run away from danger, better to face it front and center...
the years....
could this be the pc alone, as an old woman/man? the mighty bhaalspawn, finally prey to the fears of the aged and elderly?
or it might be the bhaalspawn, hit with a fear spell, like horror, or emotion helplessness...
but this is a bhaalspawn sharing the same fears and emotions of the common man or woman of the realms, with good reason to fear the night, with good reason to start at the noises coming from the darkness...
interesting story!!!
though possibly a bit more development of the theme...it kinda does leave you hanging...
who is the point of view???
the doppelgangers and the slain suggests that this is the protagonist...but this protagonist is acting in a most unusual manner...i mean the years have taught all the pc's that you can't run away from danger, better to face it front and center...
the years....
could this be the pc alone, as an old woman/man? the mighty bhaalspawn, finally prey to the fears of the aged and elderly?
or it might be the bhaalspawn, hit with a fear spell, like horror, or emotion helplessness...
but this is a bhaalspawn sharing the same fears and emotions of the common man or woman of the realms, with good reason to fear the night, with good reason to start at the noises coming from the darkness...
interesting story!!!
though possibly a bit more development of the theme...it kinda does leave you hanging...
#3
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Posted 14 October 2003 - 03:42 AM
this one puzzled me on the first read...
who is the point of view???
the doppelgangers and the slain suggests that this is the protagonist...but this protagonist is acting in a most unusual manner...i mean the years have taught all the pc's that you can't run away from danger, better to face it front and center...
the years....
could this be the pc alone, as an old woman/man? the mighty bhaalspawn, finally prey to the fears of the aged and elderly?
or it might be the bhaalspawn, hit with a fear spell, like horror, or emotion helplessness...
but this is a bhaalspawn sharing the same fears and emotions of the common man or woman of the realms, with good reason to fear the night, with good reason to start at the noises coming from the darkness...
interesting story!!!
though possibly a bit more development of the theme...it kinda does leave you hanging...
Hi!
Thanks for your comments. Yes, I was concerned about being a little too oblique.
It's from Charname's pov. She is drunk, or at least impaired (probably because Immy poured a "murky potion" into my PC's weak cider). Alcohol alters your judgement and your perception. So now she's in her room, and although she knows logically that the light outside is probably the moonlight, the sound is probably the wind, and the man with her is probably her fiance, her mind is sufficiently impaired so that she cannot discount the other possibilities.
Of course, I tend to think that at this point she'd draw her sword on her fiance (but is it really her sword? or perhaps it's really a cursed sword in disguise...hey, Mask paraded around as a sword during the ToT, didn't he?) and possibly kill him, but you know...
I didn't know how to get there without destroying the ambiguity. But then again, *too much* ambiguity isn't a good thing, either. I'd wondered whether it should've gone into verse in lieu of very short prose...but I ain't no poet. I appreciate your observations.
I like it when somebody tells me something that needs improvement. I want to better myself, and honest feedback is the only way to find out where I went awry. (You were very diplomatic, too. 
)
#4
Laufey
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Posted 15 October 2003 - 09:36 AM
Hey, Ursula, glad to see you posting!
This was short, but sweet. It had a poetic feeling to it, and a creepy one. I suspect that the Bhaalspawn in question was pretty paranoid at the time, am I correct?
This was short, but sweet. It had a poetic feeling to it, and a creepy one. I suspect that the Bhaalspawn in question was pretty paranoid at the time, am I correct?
Rogues do it from behind.
#5
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Posted 15 October 2003 - 10:12 AM
This was certainly very creepy and atmospheric, the pace of this little piece made it seem almost like a poem.
Only quibble is that I wish there had been a way for you to show what is responsible for Charname's condition, but I suppose if you write from a pov of person who is already in a intoxication-induced paranoia, you can't really show that... or can you?
It was nice despite the little lack of info... then again, too much information would dilute the mysteriousness... it's hard to find the balance ( ) I suppose... 
Only quibble is that I wish there had been a way for you to show what is responsible for Charname's condition, but I suppose if you write from a pov of person who is already in a intoxication-induced paranoia, you can't really show that... or can you?
It was nice despite the little lack of info... then again, too much information would dilute the mysteriousness... it's hard to find the balance (
) I suppose...
#7
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Posted 15 October 2003 - 06:50 PM
Thank you very kindly.Hey, Ursula, glad to see you posting!
Been having a lot of difficulty writing, responding, even reading, for some reason. RL version of Feeblemind? 
Yes! You got it; yay!!!!This was short, but sweet. It had a poetic feeling to it, and a creepy one. I suspect that the Bhaalspawn in question was pretty paranoid at the time, am I correct?
Just like there are happy drunks, sad drunks, even angry drunks...there are people who become paranoid after the odd drink or three. I could tell when my sister had a beer or two w/ supper, because then she had to turn on all the lights in her house. And who would have more cause to be a paranoid drunk than a Bhaalspawn? They've lived_through things worse than most people's nightmares.Thank you for reading this. I hope my mind is on-line sometime soon so that I can appreciate your stories again.
Take care.
#8
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Posted 15 October 2003 - 07:02 PM
Thank you!This was certainly very creepy and atmospheric, the pace of this little piece made it seem almost like a poem.
Sometimes I think that unimpared, conscious life is like prose, and other states (like dreaming and inebriation) are like poetry. Or classism versus impressionism? Then other times I think that I think too much about semantics. 
I think you made an excellent point here, Theo...as always.Only quibble is that I wish there had been a way for you to show what is responsible for Charname's condition, but I suppose if you write from a pov of person who is already in a intoxication-induced paranoia, you can't really show that... or can you?
Yes, I do not doubt that someone who's a good writer (like yourself...or Laufey, to name just two people) would've been able to communicate that w/in the piece. I've been having literary troubles recently. Hmm...I guess it would go something along the lines of:Bar the window, draw the drapes, lock the door! But dare I breathe the air...or is it poison? Dare I drink this wine...or is it tainted? Dare I heft my brand...or is it cursed?
::shrugs:: Another day, another lesson.
It was probably a bit *too* vague, *too* amorphous, *too* lacking in plot. But it was killing me, and I really, really wanted to find out what I was doing wrong. So...thank you for your comments.It was nice despite the little lack of info... then again, too much information would dilute the mysteriousness... it's hard to find the balance (
It was very generous to provide feedback--feedback I found very helpful so that I can revisit this.Bye!
#9
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Posted 15 October 2003 - 07:08 PM
Well, by this point, Charname has already been to Durlag's Tower. S/he's been accosted by Doppelgänger in Candlekeep (in Gorion's guise among others, no less), mysterious shapeshifters in Athkatla, and clones at Spellhold. So s/he's gonna be a little, shall we say, "cautious" anyways. But, to top things off, Charname is now tipsy as well, and therefore his/her judgement goes down the toilet.
Bar the window, draw the drapes, lock the door! Is that really you? Or are you just another figment? An illithid-spawned fantasy? Or perhaps a doppelgänger?
Talk about being paranoid
Hunter
Thanks for an interesting quiz topic.
#10
Weyoun
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Posted 16 October 2003 - 12:22 AM
Bar the window, draw the drapes, lock the door! For my mind fears what lies outside. Is that really moonlight dappling the trees? Streetlights flickering in the breeze? Or torches from an angry possee? An avenging mage's foul magics? A dragon in battle?
Bar the window, draw the drapes, lock the door! For I'm afraid to be alone tonight. Is it windy without? Or have birds taken to wing? ---And are they really birds, or bats about to Transform?-- Or perhaps the spirits of the slain cluster in wait, accusing me with their whispers?
Bar the window, draw the drapes, lock the door! But...it's not safe inside, either. Trunks that turn to fiends, shadows that coalesce into substance, monsters that teleport in when I blink. I do not want to blink, but I have become so sleepy...
Bar the window, draw the drapes, lock the door! Is that really you? Or are you just another figment? An illithid-spawned fantasy? Or perhaps a doppelgänger?
*********
A/N: Hi! This is semi-on, because it attempts to show the thought processes of a Bhaalspawn under the influence.
LOL! It seems Bhaal essense and shizophrenia go hand in hand.
Good story, slightly disturbing too. Great story,
---Weyoun
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers
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Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.
Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!
---
"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi
---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.
Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!
---
"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi
#11
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Posted 16 October 2003 - 11:52 AM
I agree with Laufey- it is poetic and creepy at the same time. Very nice!
She is admirably lucid, despite being under the influence- the word coalesce would be hard to think when less than sober, I would suspect. Your protagonist must have high INT .
She is admirably lucid, despite being under the influence- the word coalesce would be hard to think when less than sober, I would suspect
. Your protagonist must have high INT .
#13
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Posted 17 October 2003 - 03:09 AM
Lol! That was actually what inspired me. Was thinking about how most Bhaalspawns' lives are so much more graphic, terrifying, than even my worst nightmare. For certain people, quaffing spiritous elixirs would seem to accentuate the effect.LOL! It seems Bhaal essense and shizophrenia go hand in hand.
Unfortunately I wasn't able to break completely away from ye olde WB (hence the petering-out), but I'm psyched; UUF and Theo had some excellent ideas that would be very helpful. That's what I like a lot about these boards. Well, that and the nice people.
Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad you enjoyed it.Good story, slightly disturbing too.
Great story,
---Weyoun
#14
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Posted 17 October 2003 - 03:28 AM
Thank you. That's very nice of you to say.I agree with Laufey- it is poetic and creepy at the same time. Very nice!
I was torn between depicting this in prose or poetry...but poetry would imply structure which imo would be at odds w/ inebriation. Oooh, good point! Thank you for picking that out!She is admirably lucid, despite being under the influence- the word coalesce would be hard to think when less than sober, I would suspect
Perhaps "solidify" would've been more middle-of-the-road.Decent, but not great: she started BG1 w/ Int=?12. Of course, she was raised by Gorion, who I'd *guess* would have a better-than-average vocabulary, but still your observation about her word choice is spot-on. That is definitely something I'd have to work on. Then again, one's perception and judgement does become altered almost immediately upon imbibing alcohol. On the other hand... <--Yes, does it show why I never come to decisions about anything?Your protagonist must have high INT
I liked playing this character. She had her low stats (like CON=?7), some playable-but-not-great stats, and two high stats.
I really appreciate your comments. You gave me valuable food for thought and some clues for improving future attempts.
#15
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Posted 17 October 2003 - 03:45 AM
Oh wow.Reminded me of A Mark On The Wall, actually. Interesting choice of structure.
I hate to admit it, but I'd never read anything by Virginia Woolf until you mentioned this. I'm going to have to peruse it much more closely. I will enjoy reading some literature; I've been stuck in a non-fictional rut for a while now.Yes, the structure was one of those 'tweeners. Even though I pictured the protagonist as only mildly UI, I could not envision her communicating in something as highly structured as poetry. Unfortunately I don't know anything about modern poetry & the theory behind it (although who hasn't read e.e. cummings?), so I felt uncomfortable messing with something I didn't understand, hence the prose. Not that that stops me most of the time.
But thank you for your observations and for broadening my horizons.
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