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Smite Me Baby One More Time!(Song parody)Naughty Bits!

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#1 Guest_Userunfriendly_*

Posted 26 September 2003 - 07:28 AM

Sir Ryan Trawl vamped outrageously foward, his hips swaying to the beat of the loud, driving music. His cheeks and lips were rouged excessively, layers of eyeliner applied over his very long and curled eyelashes. He wore no less than 8 spangled, and multi-hued feathered bolas, running the gamut from shocking, indecent pink to eye-popping passionate purple. He wore a tight black lace corset, with little pink hearts encircled with gold lame rays, the ensignia for the Radient Heart. He looked like his corset was about to explode, with rolls of flesh bulging out of the top and bottom of that poor, much abused garment. Over his legs he wore black fishnet stockings, held up by a canary yellow garter belt, peeking out from underneath his red taffida tutu. The rhinestone set 9 inch stiletto heeled pumps rang out on the clear white marble flagstones inlaid on the floor of the Chapter House of the Most Noble Order of the Radient Heart. Much like a deer caught in bright light at night, Sir Anomen could only stand petrified, as Sir Ryan sasheyed across the floor. The only muscles he could move were his eyes, as he blinked furiously, to try to clear this obvious hallucination from his sight. They were shocked into stunned immobility as Sir Keldorn joined Sir Ryan.

Sir Keldorn wore a black and white maid's hat, and a small white apron, and nothing else, except for what could only be a chainmail jockey briefs covering his loins. No, as Sir Keldorn did a pirette on his thigh length long black shiny high heeled boots, the chainmail jockey briefs were revealed to be chainmail thongs...that looked like they would really hurt to take off.

Now stepped forward the entire strength of the Knights of the Most Noble Order of the Radient Heart, their arms over each others shoulders, their legs marching in beat with the horribly loud and bizzare music playing from somewhere. The music sounded like a score or more of cats, dogs and gnomes being tortured to death. Underlying it all was some deep, beating drums, and it was to the drums that his fellow knights and comrades strode foward to. They were obviously not garbed for war, though they did wear parts of their armor. The greaves and boots to be precise, under their bare chests. The chests of his fellow knights glistened as if they had been shaved and rubbed in oil. They wore chainmail jocks, as a step in their dance revealed their posteriors to the stunned and stupified Sir Anomen.

To cap off this raving insane vision, it could only be a vision, right? Sir Ryan and Sir Keldorn started singing.

Oh Mazzy, Mazzy
How was I supposed to know
That once you have halfling you just can't let go...
Oh baby, baby
I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight, yeah
hidden behind the shrubbery, I know...
Tell me Mazzy 'cause I need to know now, oh because

My chainmail jock is killing me
I must confess I still believe
sniffing armor polish improves my mind
take out your black leather whips of love
Smite me baby one more time

Oh Mazzy, Mazzy
The reason I breathe is you
Little Dumpling, you got me blinded
Your chubby pink cheeks
That wonderful rubber-band hair-do
once you have hobbit you just can't go back
Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby 'cause I need to know now, oh because

My chainmail jock is killing me
I must confess I still believe
sniffing armor polish improves my mind
take out your black leather whips of love
Smite me baby one more time

Oh baby, baby how was I supposed to know
Oh sweet dumpling, I shouldn't have let you go
I must confess, that I long for your embrace
my knees ache for your hug, don't you know,
And give me a sign
Smite me baby one more time

My chainmail jock is killing me
I must confess I still believe
sniffing armor polish improves my mind
take out your black leather whips of love
Smite me baby one more time

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Sir Anomen as he woke violently from where he was postrated on the floor. His face was covered in cold sweat, and he was visibily shaking. Sister Farielle rushed in thru the door.

"Are you alright, Sir Anomen? Are you ill? Would you like a Heal spell?" She asked in concern.

Anomen looked around, and his heartbeat began to slow down. He recognized his surroundings as the Helm sacrosty in Saradush, attached to the main temple to Waukeen in Sister Farielle's parish. He remembered he asked leave of the party, for a short time, since he felt he needed to cleanse his soul after the party's climatic battle to regain Hellocthul's soul in Hell. He prostrated himself before the altar, praying to Helm to guide him and strengthen his heart for the task as Lady Hellocthul and Lady Imoen faced the might of their massed siblings. He knew his faults and his weaknesses, and he felt unworthy when he felt fear facing Irenicus and his demonic servents in Hell. He had prayed to Helm for courage and wisdom, and obviously he had drifted off to sleep.

Anomen reassured Sister Farielle that he had failed his duty to his god, by falling asleep at his devotions. He awaited Sister Farielle's stinging words of admonishion and braced his shoulders to accept her rebuke.

"Knowing what I now know of the deeds of your party, Sir Anomen, I feel sure that Helm does indeed understand that it was not a weakness of faith, but a weakness of the body that made you fall asleep. Besides, as you know, the watchful god has his own ways of punishing lapses in duty. This could not be the first time you've had a 'dream punishment?'" said Sister Farielle, with a slight smile to her face.

"A dream punishment? I do not understand, Sister." said Anomen in puzzlement.

"Oh, dear. Sir Anomen, have you ever fallen asleep at your religious duties as a noviciate?" at the sight of Anomen shaking his head, she felt surprise, for she remembered her own many lapses when she was younger. Obviously this ernest and devoted cleric was made of sterner stuff than she.

"When a noviciate falls asleep at his religious duties, the proctors make no effort to wake the erring young one. You've noticed that, in your own order?" Anomen nodded. "That is because once the noviciate enters the first rank of the devoted, the deity will punish such lapses with nightmares. Of course, the higher the rank, the worse the nightmares. I take it, since it was your first, and your rank is quite high, that it was very bad?" at Anomen's frantic nodding Sister Farielle smiled.

"Well, I would try to forget the bulk of your dream punishment, but consider this...the gods send us dreams and nightmares, but how the dreams manifest themselves in our minds are often clues to our own hearts. Sift through your dream, Sir Anomen, discard the dross and try to listen to what your own heart is telling you. I remember my own beloved instructors telling me this same advice when I was younger, and I had my first such experience. I daresay that had you been less devout in your youth, you would know this already." said Sister Farielle gently.

As Anomen walked out the door, not as cleansed in his soul as he had hoped for, but a little wiser, he saw Mazzy Fentan playing with some small children, halfling, elven and human, her singing obviously delighting the children.

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip,
That started from old Candlekeep,
with Gorion (and his aching hip).
The rogue was a mighty cutie pie,
The Charname brave and sure,
Six Adventurers set forth that day,
For a four game tour, a four game tour.
The Iron Throne started getting tough,
Poor Gorion got tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless group,
The Franchise would be lost, the Franchise would be lost.
The party came to Beregost, with hardly a gold to their name,
With IMOEN, Charname too,
Henpecked Khalid and his wife,
Viconia deVir, Uncle Quayle and Minsc (and Boo!)
are here on Baldur's-Gate-by-Black-Isle!!!

She was singing the themesong from a popular crystal ball show, and the children joined happily, each of them with a gold coin clenched around each tiny fist. As Mazzy saw Anomen walk out of the temple, she grinned.

"All done, tall, shiny and hairy?" quipped Mazzy. Anomen was about to reply with an insulting retort, suddenly stopped. Mazzy was quite fetching today, in her Armor of the Hart, with her hair done in her trademark rubber-bands, and her horned helm held in the crook of her arm. She was so often the only person who he could talk about honor, and duty and devotion, the rest of the party was so much more, worldly and pragmatic. Hellocthul sometimes chose expedientcy over the Right, and even though in the end, her choices turned out to serve the Right, his frustration was only shared by Mazzy, who understood him. Anomen finally realized at that moment in time, that the party member he felt the closest to was little Mazzy Fentan, and he regretted all the times his language turned harsh and hurtful to her.

"Say, Mazzy, did I ever tell you about when I fought with my brother squires in the wars against the Hill Giants?" the two armored figures headed for the Saradush inn, where the rest of the party was staying. The taller figure was bent over slightly, talking animatedly to the shorter, who was nodding enthusiastically. A few times, the streets sounded with merry female laughter, as the mismatched pair walked slowly, enjoying the last light of the day, tword their goal.

That day, peace, and contentment, long strangers to Anomen's heart, found their way back home at last.

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