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When Janny met Viccy (A movie parody) Naughty Bits!


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Posted 26 September 2003 - 07:22 AM

Hellocthul and Nalia sat wearing their pajamas on the comfortably overstuffed sofa in the scrying room of the planar sphere. Kelsey and Imoen were sitting on the other sofa in the scrying room, and on the table between the two couples were huge bowls of buttered popcorn, pickled pig's feet, and chocholate covered herring. Nalia, when she first saw the sweet confection covered fish, jumped to the conclusion that sweet little Immy, was expecting. Hellocthul assured her that she normally ate stuff like that, she just had a bizzare and mutated sense of taste. Nalia, remembering all the things she had seen go into Imoen's mouth over the years, had to agree.

"Well, Imoen is the only person on Toril who can actually eat your cooking, love." said Nalia with an impish grin.

"Hey! Are you saying that I'm a lousy cook???!!!" said Hellocthul with laughing indignation.

"Well, I'm sure, Hellocthul, its just a matter of finding the right audience to appreciate your cooking. Like trolls, or ettercaps, or possibly ogres." said Kelsey with a grin.

"Oh great, this I get from a guy who wore a pink mage robe when we first met you?" said Hellocthul.

"It was not PINK. It was a red robe, just a little faded." said Kelsey quickly.

"Its ok, loverboy, I like pink." said Imoen with a crooked smile.

"Sh! Its starting!" said Nalia.

The huge scrying crystal in the control room of the Planar Sphere, after being fixed by Jan was able to receive commercial crystal ball programs. The huge table with the translucent, arcane artifact usually showed an aerial view of the slums, however after several days of tinkering by Jan showed programs like the Noober and Neeber show, Ask Edwin (Athlanka's most famous and celebrated Sex Therepist had his own show...which ended each broadcast with Edwin saying "You too can leave a concubine gasping after your erotic onslaught!"), and of course the scandalous Haer'y Springer Show. Today featuring Paladins who wear naughty underthings, and the women who love them. (Of course, like any device tinkered by Jan Jansen, it had some urm...."problems" in the beginning. The first time it was activated, instead of receiving commercial crystal ball channels, instead locked into the adult pay-per-view crystal ball stations. As the funky music played, the table showed the first scenes of the infamous "Debbie does Candlekeep" porno movie. Jan was kicked out of the room by a furiously blushing Imoen, and despite tearful protests by Korgan, Imoen and Nalia took over the repairs themselves.)

As the final few seconds of the commercial played, as a sobbing Ribaud was shown slashing prices with a +4 Battleaxe, the movie they were waiting for started to play.

"When Janny met Viccy" appeared in glowing letters within the scrying crystal, and the music began playing from the Rob Jansen directed romantic comedy.

One scene that had them in stitches was of course the diner scene. Jan and Viconia were having a meal in Trademeet, and somehow the conversation had turned to whether all women fake (deleted).

"Of course we do. And I have too, since surfacers lack the, urm...sophistication we drill into men in the underdark." said Viccy with a smile.

"Well, I certainly can tell if a woman is faking a (deleted)." said Jan with a toothy grin.

"Oh really?" Viconia then proceeded to launch into a series of moans and groans that built softly from a low gasp of pleasure into a full throated warbles of a woman in the most extreme throes of passion, banging the table with her clenched fists, and shouting "Yes, oh yes!" She finally finished with a full body shiver that rattled the cutlery from all the surrounding tables. She grinned impishly, and grabbing a piece of food from her plate, and chewed it with relish.

The camera then cut to an older matron, sitting at another table, who had witnessed the entire performance, who then spoke to the waiter saying "I'll have what she's having."

The waiter called out "Another Giant Spider Thermidore, with a side of Hollandaise sauce!"

"Auntie! Hey, I didn't know she was in the movie! Guys, that was my Aunt Delcia!" exclaimed Nalia. All four of them dissolved into laughter, as they recognized the Lady Delcia in the crystal.

Another scene that really tickled their funnybones was when Viconia was talking about days of the week underpants.

"I never understood those things. I mean I understand having underpants you change every day, and each underpants have a little label sewn in, saying 'Firstday', 'Seconday' and so on, but where is Tenthday? You've got Firstday, Seconday, Thirday, all the way up to Ninthday. But where is Tenthday? Why is there no Tenthday underpants?" asked Jan, perplexed.

"There is no Tenthday. That's because tenthday is for Shar." said Viconia piously.

"So on Tenthday, what do you..." started Jan.

Viconia changed the subject quickly.

"Urm, love, that really is a good question, what do you..." started Kelsey. Imoen punched him in the stomach with a sharp elbow, and Kelsey shut his mouth. The girls giggled.

Finally, the movie wound its way tword the end, after Jan and Viconia had broken up, destroying their friendship and budding relationship. Jan had chased Viconia down to a party celebrating the new year at the Jeslev's at the government district, and had finally confronted her.

"Viccy, I need to know!" cried Jan forcefully.

"YES! YES! I LOVE TURNIPS! I finally admit it, I love turnips! I can't get enough of them, I love them here, and I love them there! I love eating turnips anywhere! I love eating turnips in a house, I love eating turnips with a mouse! I would eat turnips in a box, I would chew turnips with a fox! I would knosh on turnips in a car! I would knosh on turnips in a tree! I would eat turnips in the dark! I would eat turnips in the rain! I love eating turnips on a train, I would even eat them with a goat! I would eat them riding a boat! I love turnips, Jan-I-am!" cried Viccy as she embraced Jan Jansen.

"Oh, thank Helm! My family could never accept anyone who did not love turnips! I love you, my dark tempress! Marry me!" cried Jan, ecstatically happy that Viccy had finally confessed her love for the root veggy.

"And I love you, most vigourous yet short stallion of the lust chamber! YES!" cried Viccy.

As the credits rolled on the crystal, all four of them stretched, and picked up after the half emptied bowls of snacks. They were all still giggling and snickering at the movie. The movie was very fun and interesting, since it was so completely different from the truth. After all, they were all there when Janny and Viccy got together.

"Oh boy, I can still remember when they finally discovered that they were in love. It was at Watcher's Keep, right?" said Imoen.

"Oh yeah, of course, Jan had been hitting on Viconia since we had first entered Saradush. I remember speaking to Jan about it, since it seemed to irritate Viconia. 'Jan, do you really want to tick off someone who could cast an implosion spell on your privates?'" said Hellocthul.

Kelsey winced, and reflexively covered his groin with his hands. Imoen just giggled, and kissed him on his cheek.

"Well, it was when we encountered those succubi in the teleportation maze. And Imoen played that trick on those idiotic demons." said Nalia.

FADEIN...

The party was tired and aching after taking on the statues in the first level of Watcher's Keep. After they had talked to that raving mad elf, they had entered the first room of the Teleportation Maze on the second level. Then the succubi approached Hellocthul with an offer.

"So if I let you kiss me, you will teleport me and my friends to the exit?" asked Hellocthul with a dangerous light in her eyes. Imoen could see her sister tighten her grip on Celestial Fury. She recognized all the signs of her sister getting really ticked off. Then an evil little idea popped into her head.

"Ok, sure you can all kiss my sister, but you have to freshen your breath. No offense, ladies, but you're all demons, and my sister is kinda picky about hellspawn breath." quipped Imoen. She gave the rest of the party a carefully timed wink as she rummaged thru her pack. Nalia, who was about to explode and unleash magical hell, stopped, curious as to what Imoen was planning.

Imoen pulled out a beautiful glass bottle, full of some clear liquid. The succubi, who were starting to get angry about the "hellspawn breath" remark, looked at it in curiosity.

"This is the finest rosewater you can buy in Saradush. It smells so pretty! Now ladies, I want you each to take a swig, swish it around your mouth, and swallow it. It will make your breath smell as fresh as newly plucked roses!" said Imoen with an innocent smile.

"Oh goody! Rosewater! Me first, I want the first kiss! I want some too, since later tonite I have a date with that hunky ghoul on the fourth level. Say, rosewater isn't fattening, is it? Telmira, you're a demon! You can't gain any weight! Yeah, but Telmira, you're getting love handles from all those smoked babies you've been pigging out on! You just take that back, Elvira! Naaa, Naaa, you can't make me!" chatted the succubi as they passed the flask around, and each demon took a swig.

"Hey! That's not rosewater, that's...." started one of the demons, then her head exploded! In rapid order, all of the demon's heads exploded!

"Elven holy water." finished Imoen with a huge grin.

The rest of the party cheered and clapped their hands. They then searched the room for those annoying teleportation mirrors so they could move to the next room. Nalia and Jaheira were poring over the journal they had found, to figure out which mirror they would need to activate.

"Hey, look, there's a fifth mirror here, behind this cloth. And it doesn't look like the others, its too small. And it even has some writing on the top." said Imoen.

The rest of the party moved to where Imoen was peeking under a cloth covered tall object. Kelsey removed the cloth cover, and they could make out the words "Mirror of Erised" written in tacky glitterpaint on the top of the dust covered mirror. Kelsey wiped away some of the dust from the mirror, and froze.

The rest of the party could see Kelsey's image in the mirror, wearing expensive looking mage robes, standing behind the counter of what was obviously a magical shop, stuffed full of arcane scrolls and tomes, with a smiling Imoen at his side, holding a baby in her arms.

"Erised...just how stupid do they think we are, anyway?" muttered Hellocthul. Nalia dragged her lover over to the mirror, and when they stood in front of the mirror, each time the mirror showed the same identical image, of Hellocthul and Nalia holding hands and smiling.

When Korgan stumped over to the mirror, grumbling, he was charmed by the image in the mirror, of himself standing next to a solid gold tankard full of beer, taller than Minsc.

Jahiera, a small, sad smile on her face, refused to join in the fun. When Mazzy stood in front of the mirror, she saw herself holding Sir Anomen's hand, wearing full armor and the golden cloak of a full Paladin of the Most Noble Order of the Radient Heart. Anomen saw the same thing, except he was wearing the gold trimmed snowy white surcoat of the Prelate of the Radient Heart. Anomen knelt and embraced his girlfriend, while she was admiring the golden cloak the image in the mirror wore.

Minsc saw himself surrounded by bards from his own clan, reciting the tales of his deeds. Minsc insisted that Boo be allowed to take his turn, and the party was astonished to see a hamster, over 6 feet tall, standing on his hind legs, wearing a purple crushed velvet smoking jacket (with mother-of-pearl buttons), hoding an ivory holder fitted with a lit cigarette, and a golden monacle over one beady eye. An unmistakable mein of authority, an aura of personal power radiated from the giant space hamster. The image twirled his enourmous handle-bar moustache with panache and debonair grace, as the real Boo twitched his whiskers.

When Imoen stood before the mirror, the mirror showed the same as it did for Kelsey, the couple standing behind the counter of a store, smiling and with a bundled baby in Imoen's arms. However it was obvious in Imoen's viewing that the store was a candy shop, and Kelsey was wearing passionate pink robes. In fact, everything in the store, including the baby's swaddling clothes, the inventory, the counter and even the very walls were pink. Everyone else in the party covered their eyes, while Imoen smiled delightedly and clapped her hands.

Finally, a giggling Nalia and Imoen grabbed Viconia and dragged her to the mirror. A look of utter horror flashed thru her face, as the two laughing girls dragged the unwilling drow woman to the mirror. The image in the mirror stunned the entire party. The image showed a stark naked Viconia, wearing only a very long, thin translucent slice of turnip, wound in a spiral around her body. The "garment" failed to hide her lush, splendid figure, and there was an expression of pure pleasure and abandon on her face. What really floored the rest of the party was the fact that Jan was included in the image. He was wearing only a loincloth made out of stitched turnip peel, and he was literally munching up Viconia's garment. He was already chomping up Viconia's left knee, and was only a few bites away from reaching her left buttock. There was a blissful expression on his face, matched by the expression on Viconia's face, despite his bulging eyes. Everyone covered their open mouths, except for Minsc who covered Boo's eyes, muttering that he was too young for such sights.

With a snarl of rage, Viconia swung the Flail of the Ages at the mirror, shattering it into a thousand shards of glass. She turned to the rest of the party, her eyes flashing and expression murderous, with a special and menacing glare for Imoen and Nalia. The party noticed, however, that as her gaze swept each member, daring them to speak one single word, it softened as it passed by the expressionless gnome. There was a curious sense of relief in her eyes, as if she felt a secret burden had been lifted from her shoulders.

FADEOUT...

"Of course, it took some time afterwards for the two of them to finally get together. Thank the gods that Viconia had a secret addiction for turnips. It could have gotten really nasty if she hated turnips. I still remember all the times that Jan accused Boo of filching turnips from his pack while we slept. It turned out to have been Viccy all along! I can still see the time we caught her, she stuffed the stolen veggie into her cheeks, and she looked like Boo with her cheeks stuffed with turnip chunks. I thought she would start squeeking like a hamster!" laughed Imoen.

"Well, you know, for the both of you, the image in the mirror turned out to be actually accurate. Kelsey has the magic shop upstairs in the mosaic room, and Imoen has the sweetshop in the main area. And it was a stroke of genius to turn the fire room downstairs into a fudge factory, and the ice room into an icecream factory." said Nalia with a smile.

"Now if we can only keep Immy from eating the inventory...Ouch!" said Kelsey as Imoen pinched him on the butt. Nalia giggled.

"Say, how are Janny and Viccy doing? I know Ano and Mazzy are doing fine, because of the newspapers, when Ano became a senior knight at the Radient Heart, but how are they? Nally and I are really settling into the country life, so our lives are filled with crops, and harvests. We just don't hear much about stuff happening in the city." said Hellocthul.

"Well, Jan's cinema career is really taking off. I mean he's made dozens of spy movies, all of them popular. Like "Dr. Maybe", "Gold-Turnip", "the Gnome with the Golden Turnip" and "From Turnip, with Love". He's even doing a weekly crystal ball series, called "the Gnome from T.U.R.N.I.P". Vico is actually settling into the domestic life, if you can believe that. And she's pregnant. We had the baby shower last week!" said Imoen. Nalia looked disappointed that she missed out on that event.

"Urm...you know, honey, there's one thing that's always puzzled me. The only two in the party who didn't look in the mirror were Jahiera and Jan, right? I mean its pretty obvious what Jaheira would have seen, but if Jan had looked in the mirror, what would he have seen? I mean, Vico's viewing showed her naked, and Jan almost naked, and turnip peel. What would Jan have seen?" asked Kelsey perplexedly.

The four of them sat in silence for about a minute, trying to imagine what Jan's viewing would have been like. Then they all turned red, and gave a collective shudder of horror.




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