After the fall of Saradush, Edwin thinks about his future with Kane.
All I Want
Despite his inner turmoil and his frequent bad dreams, tonight he looks almost peaceful as he sleeps. As he should, it has been a while since he has allowed himself to rest properly and these last few days have been tiring for all of us. I think the fall of Saradush hit him the hardest; although he has never been one for regretting his actions, I know he feels guilty that so many people lost their lives. I heard him tell Benny that they haunt him in his sleep. At least they aren’t haunting him tonight, he really needs his rest.
He is changing. As his lover, the one who knows him better than almost anyone else, I can see it day by day. He hardly sleeps, he barely eats, he focuses all of his energy on being our leader, on defeating the other Bhaalspawn who stand between him and his destiny. And ever since Saradush, he has started to push me away. He allows me to touch him and he touches me in return, but I can tell that his heart isn’t in it. And although we were close once, he’s stopped talking to me about his feelings. He has stopped talking to all of us, his sister and even his teacher. He is trying to distance himself from all of us and although it hurts, I can understand why he is doing it.
The Bhaal taint is growing stronger and he is becoming more powerful, I can feel it. He knows, we all know, that it can’t possibly be that long until he is offered the chance to ascend, to become the next God of Murder. And by distancing himself from us, he thinks that he can somehow make it easier for us, the people who care for him and love him.
My Kane…even though everyone else labels him as evil, and admittedly not without just cause, it just like him to try and do something like this, try to lessen the pain for us, though it must be hurting him too. He has always been so sure that he wants to take his father’s place, but I can’t help wondering if there is, or has ever been, even a little doubt in his mind. Is there a part of him that doesn’t want to leave us, me, Benny, Imoen and Sarevok? I like to think there is, that he is as upset and confused about this as I am, but I don’t know. And even if he does have doubts, I don’t think that they will be enough to convince him to stay. Kane has never been one to be swayed by a few doubts.
I wish that we could talk like we used to. I long to be able to confess my fears and doubts, tell him how frightened I am of losing him forever after we’ve been through so much, but I know that I can’t. I can’t say anything that might make him change his mind about ascending, because it isn’t fair. I could beg him to stay with me, to give up the Bhaal taint forever and give us a chance to have a normal life together. Perhaps he would, to keep me happy, but part of him would always resent me for forcing him to make that choice. I’d sooner follow Benny’s example, let him go and be able to treasure the happier memories than have him stay and spend the rest of his life being miserable and hating me because it wasn’t what he had wanted to do.
I can accept that it is a hard choice for him to have to make. If I was forced to chose between giving up everything for Kane, including my family, or never seeing him again…I like to think that I would be able to do whatever it took to stay with him, painful as it would be, because I love him that much. But in all honesty, I don’t know what I would do in such a situation. My family or my lover…that is a choice I would never want to be forced to make. I haven’t had much contact with them lately, what with being exiled from Thay and everything else that has happened, and I no longer consider myself a Red Wizard after wizards sent to kill me hurt someone I consider a close friend, something that I’m still not sure how well they reacted to, but I know that they are still alive and that they love me, no matter what I do. And the decision to never see them again is not one I would make lightly. So, while I wouldn’t consider Kane giving up his Bhaal taint to be on quite the same level, I do know that he is attached both to his real father and to the power the taint gives him.
I want him to have the power he deserves, of course I do. I know that is what he wants and I would never deny him that. But although it is selfish of me, I don’t want to lose him and if he chooses to take his father’s place, then I’m going to. And I can’t intervene, because what I want doesn’t count now. The choice to stay has to be his and his alone.
All I can do is watch as that day draws near, and pray that he loves me as much as I love him, enough to stay with me, where he belongs. However, as each day passes, as he grows stronger and more distant, I know that his love for me is taking second place now. I will never love another as much as I love him and all I want is for him to stay. Is that really so wrong?
All I Want (ToB)
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