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Anaria - Part 1 - The Servant of Bhaal


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#1 Guest_Rusalka_*

Posted 30 July 2003 - 01:43 PM

Hello! For those of you who read my story "Losing Grip", I'm using the same character. This time I start during TOB and I hope I manage to get through and beyond it. Anaria is a chaotic good human Kensai.
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The Servant of Bhaal

Anaria shut her eyes as a cloud of ash blown upwards on the night wind swept past the blackened wall on which she stood. One of the few remaining sections of wall left standing. When the wind died down she opened her eyes again to the ruin below her. Saradush had been reduced to a mere smoking pile of ashes and debris. Even during the siege it had maintained an echo of it's former dignity, the promise that it had once known better times. But now every trace that the living had called this place home had vanished. Except for the bodies.

Somehow she couldn't take her eyes from the twisted nightmare of corpses that lay below. Soldiers, families, children, all innocent, even her fellow Bhaalspawn, all had shared in the same ghastly fate, the curse of her heritage that left blood spilt wherever she went. She had failed them.
So many dead. So many crushed under the stone of the falling city. Bodies burned and tortured by the fires set alight to bring the city down. Bodies of those who died clinging to doomed loved ones, trying desperately to save them, clinging to their last shred of hope. She had failed them all.

The heat rising from the smouldering embers below stung Anaria's cheeks. Hot tears splashed down her face. The city had burned all day long and would continue to smoke all through the night. I could have saved them.

"Armies march and cities burn, the rivers froth with tainted blood." The words of prophecy whispered menacingly in her mind. No, I could have saved them. If only....

If only they had come a few hours earlier. If only they had not taken so long to rest. A mere few hours and so much could have been saved. A day and the giants would not have even made the last fatal attack. She could have defeated them. Yaga Sura would have fallen and the life of everyone in Saradush might have been saved. If only she had not been destined to fail.

"Bhaal's servant deceived, five led down a false path. A hidden traitor lurks in your midst. The servant of Bhaal knows death and destruction, the face of an ally, the mask of a foe."

A terrible truth had been growing in her mind. Anaria had pondered long on the meaning of the words. Her fears seemed to solidify before her as the meaning immerged from her tormented thoughts.

"The servant of Bhaal knows death and destruction." It seemed like it was all she had ever known.

"Five led down a false path." Imoen, Kelsey, Jahiera, Sarevok, Anomen....

"A hidden traitor lurks in your midst." The servant of Bhaal, his child.

"The face of an ally, the mask of a foe." Me.

I've come to so many with the promise of aid and instead brought their deaths. Death and destruction. To those I only wished to help, I have been an enemy in disguise. I am a traitor even to myself. And my friends, my companions. I've led them through it all, and now they're a part of the destruction I bring as surely as I am myself. Whatever I do, no matter where I go, I do my father's work. I am a servant of Bhaal.

No! Anaria sank down, holding her knees to her chest, helpless to stop the tears that flowed from her eyes. Helpless to stop the course of the prophecy that bound her to the path of evil and chaos.

No! I am not evil! I did what I had to do! I tried to save those people, it's not my fault! I tried! I tried so hard! Please, believe me, I did!

Who was she speaking to?

Her thoughts drifted back to the forest of Mir. That creature of shadow impersonating Gorion. The horrid lies that issued from its mouth. Were they lies?

What would her real foster father have thought? Was this truly what Gorion had wanted for her? He had tried to prevent this hadn't he? He had tried to stop her from becoming the one. The Bhaalspawn that made the prophecy come true. The one who made all the pain and suffering come to pass. She had failed him too.

"Father...." she whispered. "Forgive me. I tried to do as you wanted, but I failed. Forgive me."

#2 Guest_Chantrys_*

Posted 31 July 2003 - 01:11 AM

Hi, Rusalka! Good to see you here! :wink:

Nicely written piece. I thought you showed Anaria's inner turmoil very well, and your description of Saradush was right on. Very good!

*scurries off to read the next one*

#3 Guest_ShadowHunter_*

Posted 31 July 2003 - 02:26 AM

yeah i liked it too. it definently showed the inner turmoil, and kinda gave a glimpe of the charcter personality. it was good. i cant read the next chapter yet, but i will, and comment :wink:

-sh

#4 Guest_Rose of Jericho_*

Posted 31 July 2003 - 02:44 PM

Anaria shut her eyes as a cloud of ash blown upwards on the night wind swept past the blackened wall on which she stood. One of the few remaining sections of wall left standing. When the wind died down she opened her eyes again to the ruin below her. Saradush had been reduced to a mere smoking pile of ashes and debris. Even during the siege it had maintained an echo of it's former dignity, the promise that it had once known better times. But now every trace that the living had called this place home had vanished. Except for the bodies.


Wow, that's certainly a powerful opening paragraph.

Somehow she couldn't take her eyes from the twisted nightmare of corpses that lay below. Soldiers, families, children, all innocent, even her fellow Bhaalspawn, all had shared in the same ghastly fate, the curse of her heritage that left blood spilt wherever she went. She had failed them.
So many dead. So many crushed under the stone of the falling city. Bodies burned and tortured by the fires set alight to bring the city down. Bodies of those who died clinging to doomed loved ones, trying desperately to save them, clinging to their last shred of hope. She had failed them all.

The heat rising from the smouldering embers below stung Anaria's cheeks. Hot tears splashed down her face. The city had burned all day long and would continue to smoke all through the night. I could have saved them.


Good description not only of the scene, but of Anaria's reaction to the epic scale human loss. The "I could have saved them" statement at the end there seems a little out of place. Is that a thought? Perhaps in italics?

"The servant of Bhaal knows death and destruction." It seemed like it was all she had ever known.

"Five led down a false path." Imoen, Kelsey, Jahiera, Sarevok, Anomen....

"A hidden traitor lurks in your midst." The servant of Bhaal, his child.

"The face of an ally, the mask of a foe." Me.


Lovely, to see her thoughts and deductions. The pain just rips right through this.

Her thoughts drifted back to the forest of Mir. That creature of shadow impersonating Gorion. The horrid lies that issued from its mouth. Were they lies?


Had this come up before? A recap would be nice.

What would her real foster father have thought? Was this truly what Gorion had wanted for her? He had tried to prevent this hadn't he? He had tried to stop her from becoming the one. The Bhaalspawn that made the prophecy come true. The one who made all the pain and suffering come to pass. She had failed him too.

"Father...." she whispered. "Forgive me. I tried to do as you wanted, but I failed. Forgive me."


Ouch. Nice. Quite angsty. Not much action, but it doesn't really need it here since you're introducing the story and characters. Nice job,

Rose of Jericho

#5 Guest_Rusalka_*

Posted 01 August 2003 - 12:11 AM


The heat rising from the smouldering embers below stung Anaria's cheeks. Hot tears splashed down her face. The city had burned all day long and would continue to smoke all through the night. I could have saved them.


Good description not only of the scene, but of Anaria's reaction to the epic scale human loss. The "I could have saved them" statement at the end there seems a little out of place. Is that a thought? Perhaps in italics?

Oops! Thanks for catching that. :)




Her thoughts drifted back to the forest of Mir. That creature of shadow impersonating Gorion. The horrid lies that issued from its mouth. Were they lies?


Had this come up before? A recap would be nice.

Just a reference to when that shadow lord taunts her by saying she will make the prophecy come true. Maybe it does need a bit more to explain that.

Ouch. Nice. Quite angsty. Not much action, but it doesn't really need it here since you're introducing the story and characters. Nice job,

Rose of Jericho

Thank you and everyone who has read or commented! :)

#6 Guest_Hunter_*

Posted 01 August 2003 - 08:49 AM

If only they had come a few hours earlier. If only they had not taken so long to rest. A mere few hours and so much could have been saved. A day and the giants would not have even made the last fatal attack. She could have defeated them. Yaga Sura would have fallen and the life of everyone in Saradush might have been saved. If only she had not been destined to fail.


It does not help her to belive that, but it makes for good writing.

"Five led down a false path." Imoen, Kelsey, Jahiera, Sarevok, Anomen....


No, not them. But it's logic that she would think so.

No! I am not evil! I did what I had to do! I tried to save those people, it's not my fault! I tried! I tried so hard! Please, believe me, I did!


A little clichéd.

Who was she speaking to?


A clear sign of beginning madness.

Good

Hunter




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