Ode to Merella

I originally wrote this tune for my PnP D&D group. We were playing The Temple of Elemental Evil mod and one of our party members died, and we were having a fight over whether to raise one of the group. I was against it, so I wrote this tune to express myself. Got 50 extra xp for it, too!

So I tweaked it a little to fit the BG theme.

Harriet, by the way, is an incredibly selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed, self-promoting CN halfling beat poet with delusions of greatness. That should give you an idea of the spirit in which the song was written:

THE ODE TO MERELLA
(to the tune of Weird Al's "Albuquerque")

(Harriet recites)Way back just after we left this dungeon underneath a shopping center located in a big marble stadium in Athkatla ... you know the place ... Well were were going along and everything was just PEACHY ... except for the undeniable fact that every time we went on adventure we'd get sliced into ribbons and have to go get healed.
SLICED into ribbons!
Every SINGLE time!
It was driving me NUTS!
So I asked my boyfriend, "Hey, Anomen, what's with all these injuries? What're we doing this for anyway?" And my loving sweetie-punkin looked at me like the way a gnoll looks at an oncoming arrow. And he leaned down next to me and said:
(Harriet screams) "BECAUSE THEY"RE EEEEEEEEEVIL!!!!"
(Harriet recites)And then he tells me again about his dad who's been mistreating him since he was six-and-a-half years old!

And that's when he told me that we had to go to this magical temple far away, where the sun never shines and the cauldrons are oh-so BUBBLY! Where the shades and the Shadow Lords plot their plots all day long and anyone in the halls will be glad to slit your throat for a COPPER!

Wakka-wakka-doo-doo YEAH!

Well let me tell you, folks, it wasn't long before were were on our way. Because the very next day this kid who was hanging out in the Government District hired us to go help his town. It was a petty job, but then eventually we eneded up at

(Harriet starts singing) The Temple of Amaunator! Temple of Amaunator!

(Harriet recites) Oh yeah! You know, I've never been on a trek through an evil dark forest before! And I gotta tell ya, it was really great! Except for the wolves who ATTACKED us! And then having to battle some stupid random monsters! Oh yeah, and then going to a temple and fighting some shade beats and skeletal warriors and then EVERYBODY DIED!!!

Except for me ...
You know why?

(Harriet sings)Cause I had nothing up my sleeves
And wasn't using any strings or wires
Nothing up my sleeves
And wasn't using any strings or wires

(Harriet recites) Well, to cut a long story short, I was alone. But I made a solemn vow that I would not rest, I would not drink to get drunk again until my party was brought back to life. But first I decided to go and get some potions. So I walk into the shop and the druid behind the bar says, "Yeeeah, whattaya want?"
I said, "You got any master thievery potions?
He said, "No, we're outta master thievery potions!"
I said, "You got any elixers of life?"
He said, "No, we're outta elixers of life!"
I said, "You got any levitation potions?"
He said, "No, we're outta levitation potions!"
I said, "You got any healing potions?
"He said, "Wait a minute I'll go check. ... NO, WE'RE OUTTA HEALING POTIONS!"
I said, "Well in that case ... in that case, what do you have?"
He said, "All I got right now is the basket of one dozen starving crazed dire rats."
I said, "OK, I'll take that."
So he hands me the basket and the dire rats jump out and they immediately latch onto me and start bitin' me all over! Man, they were goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! And it was about this time that a spell started going though my head. It went something like this:

(Harriet screams and starts thrashing around on the floor) "OH CRAP OH CRAP RATS RATS GETEMOFFME!! OH CRAP OH CRAP AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

(Harriet jumps to her feet and starts reciting again) I ran out into the town with those soul-sucking rats all over me, wavin' my arms and just runnin' and runnin' around like a constipated miniature giant space hamster! And as luck would have it, that's when I ran into my hero. His name was Wesselan. He was a cleric of Helm with a cowlick and a face the color of overcooked grits. I'll never forget the first thing he said to me:

(Harriet stops and pauses for a beat before saying in a stoner voice) "Woah. Rats."

(Harriet recites) That's when I knew I found a friend. He banished the rats and healed my wounds and gave me a discount on his services! We were pals. We ate together, we drank together, and we even shared the same mint-colored magic missle wand. We were so very very happy. But then, one fateful day, Wesselan came up to me and said, "Dude, I can raise your friends, but it'll cost ya 10,000!" And I said, "WOAH, hold on a minute, I'm not about to shell out that kinda cheddar for anyone!"

And we took off
And I didn't resurrect 'em
But that's just the way things GO!

(Harriet sings)With the Temple of Amaunator! Temple of Amaunator!

(Harriet begins to recite but starts to trail off, a confused look on her face) Anyway ... where was I? I lost my train of thought. Uh, well, OK, anyway, I know it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is,

(Harriet screams) I! HATE! DIRE RATS!

(Harriet recites) That's all I really wanted to say. And by the way, if you ever find yourself in a misty, magical temple full of guys in black robes who are threatening to kill you, take comfort in the fact that, no matter how bad that is, there's a little place that's so much more evil and vile than you can ever imagine ...

(Harriet sings) Called the Temple of Amaunator! Temple of Amaunator!
(Harriet starts motioning for a shout out from the audience) Amaunator! Amaunator! Amaunator! Amaunator!
I said A! (A) M! (M) A (A) U! (U) ...
NATOR!
Amaunator! Amaunator! Amaunator! Amaunator! Amaunator!
Ama-ooo-nay-tor!!

(Harriet takes a bow and says) Thank you!