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As the party headed up to the two snake pass, the weather got steadily worse. Hellocthul really began to worry about the horses breaking a leg in the slippery mud and treacherous footing caused by the torrential downpours that made travelling a royal pain in the butt (the fact that they were spending at least 8 hours a day on the saddle made it more descriptive than one might wish for). And even though the high quality tents Jae had purchased months ago were enchanted to repell water, travelling during the day was dangerous and uncomfortable. Hellocthul finally decided to stop at the Inn at the End of the World at the foot of the Umar Hills.
"Well, it looks like the seasonal rains began a full month early, hon. These rains will most likely last another week. And the trails to get over to the other side won't be safe for another week after that. They get washed out every year." said Nalia with a sigh.
Hellocthul looked at the crowded common room, and hoped they could get room and board in the busy inn. They got lucky, or maybe it was due to a scowling Korgan and Jaheira. They were able to rent two rooms on the second floor. They were all just able to fit, and going stir-crazy was a distinct possibility during the next two weeks. Fortunately, everyone was a seasoned adventurer, and everyone understood that sometimes waiting for long periods of time was a part of the profession. This did not however prevent them from "playing" and raising merry hell while they were rained in.
"Smash the plates and rip the drapes, that's what Bilbo Baggins hates!" Korgan had summoned up his simulacrum, as only Hellocthul knew the ancient, time worn dwarven drinking songs. The two Korgans had their arms around each other's shoulders, both holding huge tankards of strong dwarven ale while roaring out the words. Hellocthul had joined him earlier, after her workout with his twin axes in the partially covered courtyard. They had a few tankards, and Hellocthul begged off, since she was taking advantage of the downtime to spend her days working on the book of Kaza that they had recovered. And being drunk as a dwarf was not the best approach to serious scholarship. Korgan had naturally roared his disapproval, since he mostly spent his time drinking. The Inn at the End of the World had an extensive and varied cellar, since the most important days of the year was during the seasonal rains, when the inn could expect several trading caravans to lodge there for weeks, waiting until the passes cleared. Naturally the favorite past-time of mercenary guards during the off hours was drinking themselves into a stupor. Thus to Hellocthul's amusement, Korgan fit right into the atmosphere of the common room of the Inn, in fact he wasn't even the loudest or most drunk. That distiction fell to the trio off in the corner...
"Hey, you fat ass, stop hogging all the pork rinds!"
"I'm not fat, you ^%$#@!! I'm just big boned!"
"Mmmmephhh-grrrhaafhhhh..."
"Shut your mouth Kenny! I'll talk any damned way I want, you homeless piece of *&%$!"
"WHAM!"
"Oh my gods, you killed Kenny! You bastard!"
"Shut up Kyle! I am a paladin! So I can raise the dead!"
"ZAP!"
"Mmmmmphhhehhhehhewww-kkkrraatkkkkchhkkk..."
"I know Kenny, every week Cartman kills you and resurrects you. Kinda gets old, but what do you expect from a big fat *&%$#!!!"
"Why you little Shadowdale %$#@!!! You take that back! And that is Sir Cartman!!!"
Hellocthul and Nalia were off in the room they shared with Jaheira and Viconia, reading. Hellocthul had her face screwed up in concentration, as she carefully made notes from the Book of Kaza she had open next to her. Nalia was enjoying a much lighter fare, as her occasional giggles and smothered laughter showed. Jaheira was carefully mending her armor, and writing the party journal. She recognized the concentrated and focused look on Hellocthul's face, and knew that it meant that she was in deep scholar focus, and that she was in charge. They all jumped up at the sound of furniture breaking, shouts and screams, and ran downstairs, fearing that Korgan or Minsc had gone on a rampage.
When they reached the common room, they found that everything was peaceful. The inn was quite used to barfights and brawls by its guests, confined indoors while the seasonal rains slowly drove mercenaries and fighters stir crazy. Not only were all the "servers" quite brawny ex-adventurers and mercenaries, they were equipped with a wide range of non-lethal weapons and disabling spell scrolls. So as the three arrived at the common room, all they saw was a large pile of human, half orc and elven bodies snoring even louder than the original ruckas that made the 3 girls rush downstairs. Finding out to their relief (and surprise) that Korgan, Minsc, Yoshimo and Jan were not in trouble, they headed back upstairs.
Hellocthul picked up the book that made Nalia laugh and giggle.
"Hey! Its J.K Jansen! I thought she quit writing a long time ago! Its Matthew Muggs and the Order of the Turkey! The last book I had read was Matthew Muggs and the Chamber of Servers. Wow, I remember loving her books so much when I was younger. I mean they were written for kids, but I still enjoyed them." said Hellocthul, picking up the travel worn and much thumbed thru volume.
"Gosh, you like her books too? I love her books!" enthused Nalia.
"Urm, children, who is J.K. Jansen? Another Jansen? I swear..." said Jaheira in exasperation.
"Oh, no, Jae. She's a cracking good author, she writes these books that are for children, but are so good even adults can enjoy them. Its about a muggle, that's a person with no magical ability what so ever, being being raised by a family of mages. On his eleventh birthday, he recieves an invitation to the Cuppertino School of Techno-Nerds! He finds out he is a techno-weenie, and he was born to wield technology instead of magic! His friend Haggis, and Ron Weasel and Hermione Grapefruit are all budding techno-geeks, and they have many adventures. Matthew becomes center in the basketball team, that's a muggle game, no magic. He is special and famous because he is the only survivor of a vicious virus attack by the Dark Lord BillGates! He even bears a tiny scar on his forehead...a scar in the shape of an apple, with a bite taken out of it. He has his own slide rule, with wierd technological powers, like clapping and turning torches off and on, or making meals instantly, using a special box..." said Nalia all in a rush.
"Urm...so her books are fantasy, right? Hard to imagine a world where things can be done without magic." said Jaheira. She looked in alarm as Hellocthul suddenly rubbed her eyes with her hand, and closed them and leaned back against the sofa she was sitting on, with her face twisted.
"Honey, are you Ok?" asked Nalia in concern.
"I just need to rest my eyes for a while, this book is really hard going. Not only is it in arcane netheril, but its been encrypted. I have a blinding headache." said Hellocthul with a grimace. Nalia shifted her position, and slowly began to massage her girlfriend's temples and neck. "Oh...that feels so much better..."
"What on toril are you spending so much time on? We recognize that look, but I think we've been patient enough. Why is that book so important to you? You've literally spent every waking moment on that book, excepting excersize and meals." said Jaheira in exasperation.
"Well, it is an unexpunged, uncensored copy of the Cheese Guide by the mad lich Userunfriendly." said Hellocthul simply.
"Unexpunged? That's impossible! The last copies were burned three hundred years ago! Oh my gosh! Such a book would be priceless!" said Nalia breathlessly.
"The Cheese Guide? That volume you bought in Beregost for thousands in gold? I remember being most upset with you, for what seemed like a reckless waste of money, but when you gave it to me to read, I discovered you were ri...ri...rrrrrrr....aagghhhhh!" said Jaheira, her face straining with effort as she tried to get a word out of her mouth.
"Right? Is that what you were trying to say, Jae?" asked Nalia with a twinkle in her eye. Her strong, knowing fingers kept rubbing Hellocthul's neck, and she could feel her muscles relaxing.
"Anyhu, child, we've already read that book many times, and I daresay, we know it by heart." rushed Jaheira, trying to quickly change the subject.
"About 300 years ago, a few years after some adventurers recovered the Cheese Guide from an ancient Dragon's lair, the stupid, barbaric and uncivilized Order of the Knights of Helm gathered all existing copies and burned them. They claimed the book was 'irrelevent' and 'unfair' and 'heretical to the Balance'. The only surviving copies are the ones which were heavily censored of all 'unfair' material prepared by the scribes of Helm. This copy is unedited and uncensored. And a complete eye opener." Hellocthul said, as she leaned back against Nalia, enjoying the sensation of her lover's fingers rubbing her neck and temple.
"I see. Just how much material did the Helmites cut from the original?" asked Jaheira. Almost despite herself, she was reading intently Hellocthul's crabbed and tiny notes.
"I'd say about two-thirds. For example, the section I was working on right now was about liches. Remember that lich we faced in the Unseeing Eye? The lich casted teleportation field and teleported you and Yoshimo and Jan right in front of it, and we got lucky because my remove magic was able to drop its protections before it finished casting spell immunity abjuration. Other wise its next spell would have killed half the party! The guide says that spell immunity alteration makes a mage invulnerable to teleport field! All we need to do is to buy some spell immunity scrolls from the Adventurer's Mart, and all three of you will be protected!" said Hellocthul with her eyes closed.
"Urm, love, Yoshimo isn't a mage, so he can't cast spells." said Nalia hesitantly.
Hellocthul opened her eyes, gave Nalia a lingering kiss in thanks, and went to her pack. She pulled out a scroll of web, and a potion of healing, and went to Jaheira. "Jae, close your eyes, and drink this potion." said Hellocthul with a grin.
"What on toril are you playing at, child?" asked Jaheira in exasperation. She closed her eyes, and raised the small glass flask to her lips. Hellocthul deftly switched the potion bottle for the spell scroll, and Jae's eyes popped open as she felt the potion bottle snatched from her hands. She saw the scroll, and to Nalia's complete amazement, her mouth began to read and speak the arcane syllables of the scroll!
A boil of web spells erupted from Jaheira's hands, and their room was suddenly covered with sticky and strong web strands. Jaheira and Nalia were completely astonished.
"But I am a druid! I cannot cast arcane spells, only the divine ones!" Jaheira wanted to get up and pace and fret, but the sticky and strong web strands held her to her chair.
"Potion swapping! Anyone can cast a spell from a scroll, without magical talent, if you simply swap a potion they are trying to drink! Now I grabbed a web spell just to show you, but imagine if we could find some spell sequencer scrolls. Jae could hit a powerful mage with a triple insect swarm! And in a few months, when Jae should be able to cast the highest level of druid spells, we could use a scroll of spell trigger, or even chain contingency! And Viccy could do the same. Now you know why I've been so intent on that book." said Hellocthul. As the three of them waited for the webs to disappear, Hellocthul and Nalia took advantage of being webbed together to do some fairly intense kissing.
"Urm...Lady Hellocthul, is everything all right?" said a voice from behind the door. They saw the knob turn and shift slightly, as someone tried to open the door to the room, currently stuck in place by sticky webbing.
"Gher? Sorry about the door, it will be free in just a few seconds. I was showing Jae and Nally a trick of magic." said Hellocthul, with a grin. As the web finally disappeared, the adopted teenage son of the couple who owned the Inn at the End of the World entered. He had a stack of towels in his hands, and when he saw Hellocthul and Nalia in a deep clinch, he blushed. He busied himself changing the towels by the wash basin in the room.
"How are Korgan, Minsc and Yoshimo, Gher?" asked Jaheira. All 3 girls liked Gher, they found his honesty and intelligence quite charming.
"Well, like the rest of the bunch downstairs, they'll be sleeping it off for a few hours, until the spell Dweia hit them with wears off. As for the bunch that started the fight, Master Althalus had them moved into the drunk tank. They'll be locked in there for about a day, to sober up and to think about causing any more trouble. Dweia says dinner will be in about 3 hours. Its grilled fresh trout tonite."
"Ummm...you know, this inn sure serves a lot of fish for meals. But Dweia is such a good cook, I don't mind at all!" said Nalia.
"Say, Gher, do you know where our friend Viconia is? We hardly ever seem to see her in our rooms..." asked Jaheira. Gher blushed intensely.
"Well, she's been spending a lot of time with that half-elven mercenary from Tethyr. I think his name is Karas, or something like that. They mostly keep to his room, and the door is closed all the time." said Gher with a rush. All three girls grinned. They all knew where Vico was, of course, but they really loved teasing Gher and making him blush. Gher had just celebrated his 15th birthday, and he was at that awkward age when a boy began to seriously notice the difference between "girl-people" and "boy-people". Nalia and Hellocthul particularly enjoyed giving him "displays" of affection that usually left him tongue-tied and blushing.
When the girls came downstairs several hours later, they found the rest of the party awake and hungry. Viconia was seated at a small table with her new toy, and a most attentive and alert looking Karas was serving Viconia her meal, while she looked on with ladylike disdain. Obviously they were both enjoying themselves immensely, as Hellocthul saw Karas turn away from Viconia, with a huge grin on his face. The girls liked Karas, with his gentleness and quiet strength, but his committments in Amn precluded his joining the party for the next few months. Karas was good for Viconia, and Hellocthul half expected Viconia to ask to leave the party to join him in his assignments. As usual, at their table, Jan was talking.
"Well, you know, my nephew Bernstein Jansen and his friend Woodrow Fentan finally broke the story of Waterdoor to the community. Richard Noxon ended up impeached of the high office of Mayor of Twin Falls, and as the baliffs were dragging him away, he kept shouting 'I am NOT a Took! I am NOT a Took!' even though the evidence showed he was indeed a hobbit...I mean a halfling. Bernstein never discovered who their secret informant was...they called him 'Deep Stoat' from then on, as the informant, who they never managed to see his face, always sounded like a rodent was in his pants. Well, anyhu, that's the story of how my nephew became the first gnomish reporter for the Amnish Times." said Jan.
"OY! That's not a proper story! E're be the blood, the guts, and the yards of entrails? Aye! A proper story needs buckets o' blood and a fine bunch of 'illing and screaming 'nd a wailing as people are slipping and sliding on body bits on the ground." said Korgan with a huge quaff from his tankard.
"Aye! Like the story of Red Killian of the Black Hills!" said Hellocthul with a broad grin as she sat down the party's table.
"Aye! That be a proper story! One fine day, a bunch of longlimbs sent an army to invade the Black Hills near Shadowdale, ancient and traditional dwarven territory. Well, this here regiment was marching, and headed tword the human outpost to reinforce it, when out stepped this dwarf in full fighting armor from the woods on top of the hill they 'ere headed fer. He roared..."
"My name be Red Killian of the Black Hills! Yer long-limbed panties! Send up yer best man to face me in combat!" replied Hellocthul. "So the commander says to the adjutant, send up yer best mon, I want that dwarf's 'ead!"
"So the adjutant of the Regiment sent up his brawniest and bravest warrior, and as 'e reached the woods on top of the hill, 'ey heard a screaming and a 'ollering, and soon with a 'thump, twomp, thumppity' sound, bits of the longlimb began to roll down the hill. Red Killian steps out, covered in gore, and roars 'I be Red Killian of the Black Hills! Send up yer best squad!' So the commander says..."
"Adjutant! Send up yer best squad! I want that dwarf's ead! So the best squad goes running up the hill, and soon there comes this a screaming and more 'ollering and with a 'twomp, thummmpyty thump-thump sound the bits of the squad comes a rolling down the hill. Then Red Killian steps out of the woods again, and roars..."
"'I be Red Killian of the Black Hills! Send up yer best company, ye gutless useless longlimbed gnomes!' Now that really ticked off the commander, so he turns to the adjutant and orders him to send up his best company. A few minutes later, bits 'o the company comes rolling down the hill, with a 'twommmmmmpyyyty thummmmmppp...thummmmppyty' the pieces of the company comes rolling down the hill. Then the commander takes his helm off his head, throws it at the ground, and as Red Killian steps out from behind the tree, and roars..."
"I be Red Killian of these here Black Hills! Send up yer whole stinking useless army, yer long limbed galoots!!! I be just getting warmed up now! So the adjutant leads the rest of the army up the hill, and after a while, the commander hears this really loud thumping sound, as bits and pieces of the army comes rolling down the hill. The adjutant comes screaming and running down the hill, and he says.."
"Run sir!!! Run sir!!! Its an ambush, there's two of them!" finished Hellocthul, and both she and Korgan roared their laughter. The rest of the party looked on in puzzlement, as they tried to assimilate their first taste of dwarvish storytelling. Nalia got up from her chair with a puckish grin on her face, and sat down on Hellocthul's lap. She playfully pinched Hellocthul's chin, and tugged on the nearly invisible tiny hairs on her chin.
"My lover is a dwarf! Why didn't you tell me you were a dwarf, honey? And where is your beard? Did you shave it off?" Korgan looked shocked and horrified, to everyone's amazement.
Hellocthul grabbed her napkin, and tied it around her head. "Will this do?" said Hellocthul with a huge smile.
Nalia grabbed the napkin, and pretended to tug on Hellocthul's "beard".
Jaheira slapped her forhead with her hand and muttered something about "getting a firehose for those children."
Dinner served at that moment, and everyone forgot about playing as they tucked into Lady Dweia's wonderful cooking.
