Repost: A Cappella Part 128 - Going Through The Motions

Every single night the same arrangement,
I go out and fight the fight.
Still, I always feel the strange estrangement.
Nothing here is real,
Nothing here is right.
I've been making shows of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows

That I've been
Going through the motions,
Walking through the part.
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart.
I was always brave and kind of righteous,
Now I find I'm wavering.

Going through the motions,
Losing all my drive.
I can't even see
If this is really me,
And I just wanna be
Alive.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer, the episode "Once More With Feeling"

 

Anomen walked slowly into the chamber, trickles of blood clearly visible against his dented armor even in the dim light. Stiffly he began to remove various pieces of magical equipment. As each item was set aside, Valygar used them to replace his own.

After the exchange, Valygar gave the party a thin smile and said, "I'll be back soon. Mazzy, it is your turn next."

The halfling nodded in agreement. She sat quietly next to Jarran as Jaheira healed the tired priest and Imoen wiped off Anomen's armor.

Jarran sighed. "I still don't like this. None of us should fight alone."

"It is a sensible plan. We do not have six of every protective object. By giving one person the proper equipment to protect them from the beholders, we lessen the chance that someone will be seriously injured."

"Anomen isn't exactly whole and healthy."

"The creatures still have teeth, after all."

Imoen called over, "And remember, I'm watching with a wizard eye."

"It's just... why are we even bothering with this?"

The others all stopped what they were doing and turned to stare at the bard. Mazzy raised her eyebrows and said slowly, "You have never hesitated to fight evil creatures in the past, Jarran. We ducked into that cavern to avoid a drow patrol and were set upon. Should we not have fought back?"

"Of course we had to defend ourselves, but we could have left after that. Instead we went deeper into the beholder caverns. Is this what our lives will be like from now on? Wandering these caves and tunnels endlessly, hoping to stumble across an exit? Killing every monster that we come across just because they are there?"

Mazzy met Jaheira's eyes and a look of understanding passed between them. The halfling rose and walked over to Anomen and Imoen as Jaheira stood. The druid felt a hand restraining her and turned to see Imoen shaking her head.

"Let me, Jaheira."

"Imoen, I am sure...."

"This is between Bhaalspawn."

A puzzled Jaheira obeyed as Imoen crossed the room to sit down facing Jarran. "I gotta hand it to you, big brother. You lasted a lot longer than I did."

He slowly raised his head to meet her eyes. "What do you mean?"

"I can tell you how you feel right now. You aren't sure just who you are. You feel empty inside, like someone scooped out your guts. And right when you think you have control of yourself, a nasty voice starts whispering to you and turns everything upside down again. Every rotten thing that ever happened to you plays in your mind, and every bad thing you ever did leers at you."

"I... I...."

"You feel like laying down and dying would be the best thing you could do, then a few minutes later you are shaking with fear that everything is out to kill you. You see enemies in every shadow, and hate in every eye. But most of all, you have no hope."

"You've already been through this, haven't you?"

"You saw what I was like in Spellhold. I was completely crazy. And you are going down the same road."

"So I am slowly going insane? That would make sense."

"The difference is, Jar, that I was alone with only an empty room to talk to. You have us, so don't stay so wrapped up inside yourself."

"I just feel so hollow. Like I don't really exist, that this is all a dream."

"You need to do something that will make you feel more like yourself. How long has it been since you played that new yarting? Why don't you play it now?"

"Here? In the middle of a beholder hive?"

"Well.... Then after we finish cleaning it out. You need it, trust me." She moved to his side and leaned against him. "Listen to your little sister for a change."

Slowly Jarran's head sank down onto her shoulder and his eyes closed. Anomen shook his head. "Remarkable. To be able to sleep in a place such as this."

Mazzy said, "I had wondered when something like this would happen."

"He has been under a great strain, but he has tried not to show it," Jaheira said with a sigh. "I have done what I could, but we, that is I... there is only so much that I can do."

"Then we must regain what we have lost as quickly as possible," Mazzy said. "This must not continue."

They sat in an uncomfortable silence until Valygar returned. He only raised his eyebrows at the sight of their sleeping leader, then said, "Mazzy, I don't think you need to go alone. There are only a few of them left."

Imoen said, "Let me check." Her eyes lost focus as her attention turned to the view she received from her wizard eye. "I see a few live ones and lots of beholder gore. Good job, guys." Both men smiled in response to her compliment.

"What of our leader?"

"I'll stay here with him, Valygar. I hate to wake him. I'll still keep an eye on you, so we can come if you need us."

"Are you sure, my lady?" Anomen asked anxiously. "You would be alone."

"Jarran wakes up fast when he needs to. I'll be fine."

The group departed, but not without a few grumbles of dissent, and Imoen was left to her thoughts. After a time, she sighed. She murmured, "Big brother, how did we get into this mess? All I wanted to do was go back to Candlekeep and brag about how I was one of the Heroes of Baldur's Gate. Try to help clean up the mess left by the doppelgangers. Find out how many of my friends were still alive. How did we wind up down here?"

Her hand crept over and took his. "I'm kinda scared down here, Jarran. I don't like this place one bit."

"Neither do I."

She jumped at the sound of his soft voice. "I thought you were asleep."

"I dozed a little. Thank you for being here with me."

"What are little sisters for?"

"Im... do you ever feel him?"

"Who?"

"Our father."

Imoen shivered. "I've never really thought about him like that. My father. I hear whispers sometimes, and, well, blood smells better."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Damn Irenicus, if it weren't for him you might never have found out."

"I have a feeling it doesn't matter. Something is waiting for us, Jarran. I can feel that clearly. Something wants us, even more than Irenicus did. Maybe it is Bhaal himself."

"I wonder how many of us there are."

Imoen suddenly started to giggle. "I just had this image of Bhaal bouncing hundreds of little Bhaalspawn on his knee. I wonder... are all the Children human? You and I are, and Sarevok was."

Jarran grinned. "I have no idea, but that is a hilarious thought, Bhaal as the playful father. Somehow I doubt his plans were that benevolent."

As they laughed together, the rest of their group returned. Jaheira looked surprised as she said, "Well, this is certainly a change."

Imoen said cheerfully, "All the beholders gone?"

"Yes."

"Then it is time Jarran relaxed and played us some music. No excuses now, big brother."

He smiled at her as he pulled his yarting across his lap. Slowly he began to strum a few soft chords. He looked up and said, "I'm not the only one who could use cheering up. Any requests?"

Between Imoen's urgings and the lure of the music, it was not long before the entire party was singing an assortment of tunes. The small chamber took on the atmosphere of a campfire gathering, as each member called for favorites songs.

As spirits lightened, the songs became more festive. Anomen and Valygar sang a humorous marching cadence, and Mazzy entertained them with a halfling harvesting song. Jaheira contributed a lilting discussion between a bee and a flower, and when Imoen danced as she sang a hilariously silly nonsense song, they all joined in clapping out the beat.

After Imoen sat down, her face flushed and sweaty, she said breathlessly, "Phew! I need to rest. Jarran, play us something."

"Sure, Im." He delicately picked out a melody, unsure of what he should play. He absentmindedly let his fingers work the strings while he tried to decide. But before he chose a song, it was chosen for him. He felt the music flow through him, much as it had in Trademeet, but this time it was more subtle, more lyrical.

As he played the light, buoyant melody, he watched his companions. A change came over them as they listened intently. Their expressions were thoughtful, as though their attentions were turned inward to some weighty matter. It surprised him, because he had not expected such delicate music to inspire serious contemplation.

When he finished the song, silence reigned over the chamber. Awkwardly Jarran said, "I suppose we had better go back to the gnome inn. We could all use some rest."

They gathered their equipment quietly. Jarran said softly to Jaheira, "What happened? Did the silver eyes appear again?"

"Yes. Not as brightly as before, but there was indeed a silver glow to your eyes. As to the music's effect... it was as if a voice was whispering to me and asking me to examine what it was I truly wanted out of life. My thoughts turned to the future, and I saw several paths before me. I seemed to clearly understand where each path lead and what choice I must make to walk it. It was unsettling."

"Do you think that that is what everyone else experienced?"

"Judging by the somber mood, I would say yes." After a long moment of silent walking, Jaheira said, "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For not asking me what it was that I saw in that strange vision. I would prefer to... to think on it."

"I knew that if you wanted to tell me, you would. Strange, I didn't feel anything and I am the one who could use guidance the most."

"Perhaps it is because the magic was yours. You cast a spell upon us all."

Jarran glanced at the others to gauge their conditions. Valygar looked resigned, and Mazzy seemed to be struggling with some inner agitation. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes often blinked rapidly. Imoen's expression held a fierce determination, and Anomen seemed far away in his thoughts.

There was no other conversation on the way back to the inn, and only desultory small talk as they ate. After the meal, the entire group retired to their rooms, carefully avoiding each other's eyes.

Imoen sat in her room, trying to study her spells, but she could not get Jarran's song out of her mind. Rosie fluttered down to perch on her shoulder.

The pseudodragon rubbed her mistress' cheek with her head, then said, You are troubled.

Well, yes.

Why is that? You were shown many possible futures.

Too many. But I won't let one of them come true. I just won't.

Of course. You would never pine away and die while that vampire abuses your soul. It is not in your nature, Mistress.

Before Imoen could reply, they were interrupted by a knock at the door. Imoen opened it to find Anomen standing outside.

"May I speak to you in private, my lady?"

"Oh... sure. Come in."

The priest entered the room, ducking his head under the doorframe. He looked restless, as if he would have paced the floor if the small room could have allowed such exercise.

"Anomen, would this have anything to do with those weird visions we saw when Jarran was playing?"

"Indeed it does," he said, his face grave. "Imoen, I would like to ask your permission to... perhaps court is too strong a word... to spend time with you. Alone."

"A-alone?"

The priest looked flustered as he said, "I do not mean alone in any intimate manner, my lady. I would not be so forward. But I would like for the two of us to know each other better, to discover if what we, er, I feel has the potential to grow into something more than companionship."

"What about Valygar? I thought that you promised just a few days ago to stop competing with him."

"And I shall honor that promise. I am not asking you to exclude him from your company in any way. I am merely asking that you give me the chance to open my heart to you, my lady. If you should decide that I am not the sort of man that you wish to have at your side, then I will desist and be content with friendship."

"Why this sudden change? Mazzy didn't hit you again, did she?"

He chuckled. "No, it was not she, but your brother with his musical encouragement. Chances for happiness are truly rare, my lady, and should not be allowed to pass by."

Imoen grinned in return. "Hey, it isn't as if I'm the only girl in the world, you know."

The twinkle of laughter left Anomen's eyes as he took her hands and held them between his own. "But you are the only lady that has captured my thoughts so completely."

"Nobody else? You aren't exactly a boy, Anomen."

"Up until now, the women I have encountered have come from only two social circles. The young ladies of the noble class either sneered at my poverty or fawned over me with vain, empty-headed prattling, depending on my father's fortunes. And the lady paladins that I have met in the Order... I was uncomfortable in their company. I could not overcome the fear that they, like many of their male counterparts, were repelled by my family name and contemptuous at my inability to become a paladin. But when I am with you, I feel no such qualms."

"What about... I am a Bhaalspawn, you know."

"Your brother has already proven that the blood of Bhaal does not curse a soul to evil. He is one of the finest men that I have ever known, and a great friend. From all that I have seen, Gorion was a father beyond measure to have raised two Children to be such fine persons."

"Well, as long as you promise you won't start glaring at Valygar again.... All right. There is no harm in getting to know each other better."

"Thank you, Imoen. And now, perhaps we could begin by you telling me how such a severe place as Candlekeep produced such a colorful flower as yourself."

"Ooh, I could get used to that sort of talk. Did they teach you that in the Order?"

"Nay, my lady. I am simply inspired by your grace and spirit."

She giggled. "Wow. This could get interesting."

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I think the game didn't do enough with the sibling relationship between the PC and Imoen, probably because they didn't want to hack off players who didn't like her.

Quote:

"Of course we had to defend ourselves, but we could have left after that. Instead we went deeper into the beholder caverns. Is this what our lives will be like from now on? Wandering these caves and tunnels endlessly, hoping to stumble across an exit? Killing every monster that we come across just because they are there?"


He definitely has a point. There has to be focus.

True, but right now he can't see any point to anything. Besides, they do have a legitimate reason, they are searching for an exit to the Underdark.

Quote:

"You feel like laying down and dying would be the best thing you could do, then a few minutes later you are shaking with fear that everything is out to kill you. You see enemies in every shadow, and hate in every eye. But most of all, you have no hope."


Not that different from depression, that.

I don't think it usually includes paranoia, but other than that pretty close.

Quote:

Her hand crept over and took his. "I'm kinda scared down here, Jarran. I don't like this place one bit."



A few people do. Though according to Peri Viconia saw beauty in it she described beautifully.

I've been in a fair number of caves and caverns, and there is beauty underground. There is a strangely primal feeling there.

Quote:

"I'm sorry to hear that. Damn Irenicus, if it weren't for him you might never have found out."


I think she would have. I think he will strike when one is most vulnerable, one way or the other.

I think so too. If nothing else, Mel probably would have shown up and told her.

Quote:

Imoen suddenly started to giggle. "I just had this image of Bhaal bouncing hundreds of little Bhaalspawn on his knee. I wonder... are all the Children human? You and I are, and Sarevok was."


Sweet image. I think.

And a very odd one.

Quote:

"Perhaps it is because the magic was yours. You cast a spell upon us all."


The great musicians do, godschildren or not.

Ah, so very true.

Quote:

Of course. You would never pine away and die while that vampire abuses your soul. It is not in your nature, Mistress.


Imoen is no 'whiner' as Peri puts it.

Nope. Hollar, yell, tease, yes, but never whine.

Quote:

"And I shall honor that promise. I am not asking you to exclude him from your company in any way. I am merely asking that you give me the chance to open my heart to you, my lady. If you should decide that I am not the sort of man that you wish to have at your side, then I will desist and be content with friendship."


Oh, Anomen. He is really a very decent young man, it seems.

Yes, he is. You just have to fight your way past the insecurities to find that out.

Thanks for commenting!

"It is a sensible plan. We do not have six of every protective object. By giving one person the proper equipment to protect them from the beholders, we lessen the chance that someone will be seriously injured."


And lets hope the beholders just use their rays and won't bite you. Those jaws look dangerous...

Oh, they are.

Quote:

"Anomen isn't exactly whole and healthy."

"The creatures still have teeth, after all."


Yes, my point exactly!

And I didn't forget those teeth.

Laska : *grins evilly* Yep... No shield can protect you when a beholder decides to bite you in the butt, Anomen.

Aribeth : These things are Helm's bulldogs...

Bane's, actually. Supposedly Helm made the neutral Spectators, and Bane made the evil Beholders.

Quote:

"Of course we had to defend ourselves, but we could have left after that. Instead we went deeper into the beholder caverns. Is this what our lives will be like from now on? Wandering these caves and tunnels endlessly, hoping to stumble across an exit? Killing every monster that we come across just because they are there?"


LOL! Isn't that what CRPG's are centered around? Be glad you're not an NPC in Diablo.

Erk. I enjoyed Diablo in the way that I enjoy target practice, but that certainly had no role-playing in it. I did turn into a rather zen archer, though.

Quote:

"You need to do something that will make you feel more like yourself. How long has it been since you played that new yarting? Why don't you play it now?"

"Here? In the middle of a beholder hive?"


Laska : *grins* Hey, it's as good a place as any.

Vierna : Hey, you'd be disturbing a delicate eco-system!

Aribeth : Duh, they're killing all the Beholders inside, don't they? You can't disturb an ecosystem any more than that.

Vierna : *sighs* Why can't they just leave the beholders alone? It's not like they've hurt anyone.

Aribeth : Excuse her. She gets sentimental at times.

The other underdark races might debate that 'haven't hurt anyone' point. They ain't robins sitting on a nest, you know.

Quote:

They sat in an uncomfortable silence until Valygar returned. He only raised his eyebrows at the sight of their sleeping leader, then said, "Mazzy, I don't think you need to go alone. There are only a few of them left."

Imoen said, "Let me check." Her eyes lost focus as her attention turned to the view she received from her wizard eye. "I see a few live ones and lots of beholder gore. Good job, guys." Both men smiled in response to her compliment.


Vierna : *snarls* They probably like hunting too!

Aribeth : Why not? I do.

Laska : Kill a few beholders for me, guys!

Vierna : *pouts*

Let me repeat, Vierna. Evil. Power-hungry. Some of their schemes make the Drow look like infants. Beholder Cults. Did I mention evil?

Quote:

"Who?"

"Our father."

Imoen shivered. "I've never really thought about him like that. My father. I hear whispers sometimes, and, well, blood smells better."



That statement alone is enough to give the average reader the creeps, no doubt.

Poor Imoen is still getting used to the idea.

Quote:

Jarran grinned. "I have no idea, but that is a hilarious thought, Bhaal as the playful father. Somehow I doubt his plans were that benevolent."


LOL! He'd have to attend a birthday party every day, if he was a playful dad...

With Bhaal, I could see him getting sick of it after a couple of days and saying "sod it, I'll just kill them".

Quote:

As he played the light, buoyant melody, he watched his companions. A change came over them as they listened intently. Their expressions were thoughtful, as though their attentions were turned inward to some weighty matter. It surprised him, because he had not expected such delicate music to inspire serious contemplation.



Aribeth : *sings* All the leaves brown! And the skies are gray...

Laska : *sings* Karma, karma, karma, Karma, Karma-chameleon! You come and go...

Vierna : *sings* ...to Sannnn Frannnnsisco...

Weyoun : *cringes* Next time, ladies, please sing the songs in succession, not three songs at once.

Aribeth is the only one with taste. (ducks)

Quote:

Well, yes.

Why is that? You were shown many possible futures.

Too many. But I won't let one of them come true. I just won't.

Of course. You would never pine away and die while that vampire abuses your soul. It is not in your nature, Mistress.


Poor Im. Rose is right.

Imoen may seem like a little kid sometimes, but underneath she's tough and full of fight.

Quote:

"Why this sudden change? Mazzy didn't hit you again, did she?"


Laska : Does Mazzy hit her squires often? OW!

Aribeth : *smacks Laska in the back of the head*

Hehe, only when they need it.

Quote:

"Thank you, Imoen. And now, perhaps we could begin by you telling me how such a severe place as Candlekeep produced such a colorful flower as yourself."

"Ooh, I could get used to that sort of talk. Did they teach you that in the Order?"

"Nay, my lady. I am simply inspired by your grace and spirit."

She giggled. "Wow. This could get interesting."


Laska : ...

Vierna : ...

Aribeth : ...

Laska : I don't know who it's gonna be? You?

Vierna : No, not a clue.

Aribeth : No, I'm bloody stumped as well...

Great stuff,
---Weyoun

Thankee.

yay! more a capella:)
must've missed this one earlier, but another really good read, and nice to see anomen and imoen hotting up some more again - currentlly my money's on ano:)...looking forward to reading more as always...

Dwagon