Rush Of Blood To The Head, part 2.30.

Rush Of Blood To The Head, part 2.30.

Sedatives? Is that how I am supposed to continue my cursed existence? And what about her… during these three days the moments when she has been fully conscious have been few and far between.

I did not expect much help and was proven right when the priest of Ilmatari shook his head solemnly.

“’Tis not an ailment that I can heal… you know it my child,” he only sighed. At least I was able to find the witch who dabbled in potions, what was her name, Mrs. Cragmoor? I needed medicine as badly as Jaheira - otherwise there was no sleep for any of us.

When she’s awake, she does not talk much, most of the time we lay on the bed holding each other. She did ask me about my nose… of course I lied to her. I fell from the stairs, didn’t I? The priest did a fine job on it, looks only slightly crooked…

This morning, I went out to a short visit to bathroom. When I returned to our room, I found her awake and she immediately jumped on me, hugging me that I was close to suffocating. I saw panic and fear in her eyes as she held me like in clutches, murmuring don’t leave me alone in my ear…

It pains me to see her so weak and broken … I fear for her… all that means I have to be the strong one this time. Do I have what it takes? I must… I wonder how much does she remember, she has not spoken a word about that day, though I feel she remembers it all too well, her eyes and her actions betray her. She feels guilty and I must tell her that she should not feel that way.

“I killed him, did I not?” she speaks suddenly. We both lie on our sides in the bed, facing each other… her eyes so serene and pensive as she looks at me.

I only reply with a nod and she sighs deeply… “Everything came back… every little detail… in the worst possible time…”

“Jaheira, I… I don’t know what to say… if I knew all of that, I would have killed him myself, without a moment of thinking,” I whisper quietly.

“It hurts… Every time I close my eyes, I see the faces… they return, leering at me. They will not leave me alone…”

“I wish I could ease your suffering, Jaheira,” I speak, the pain tearing up my chest.

“I feel so… defiled… I need to… no, I cannot. The worst thing is… the only time I was able to resist the drugs, they… they… I wished…” tears rolling down her cheeks do not allow her to continue… “I regret seeing that… when I first awoke in my cell, I knew from my torn tunic that I have been subjected to mistreatment… and then I was taken away more than once, only to awoke with bruises on my thighs and all over my body… and I wanted to see them, to remember their faces so… so that I can kill them… bastards.”

“Jaheira, I don’t…” it is very painful for me to hear this and I wished that she would stop, but I realize that she must get these emotions out to be truly herself again.

“How are you able to look at me without disgust? Do you not find me repulsive after all I have told you?” she looks at me, unable to control the tears still streaming over her cheeks.

“Jaheira, I… I could never feel anything other than love towards you… nothing will ever change that…” I know I speak the truth as I pull her closer and stroke her back trying to release some of the tension inside her.

“But… I… I was supposed to be your guardian and to help you any way I can… but instead I have turned into a hindrance for you… I have failed everyone, Gorion, the Harpers and most importantly my own marriage, my husband…”

I tremble at her words, she is feeling guilty over something that is solely my fault… but I cannot tell her that now.

“Jaheira, but despite everything you suffered, you have never failed me… you have been the source of strength and your guidance has lead me…”

“Led you where? Into losing Imoen… and what happened between us… you should be regretting it, you should be mad at me and hate me for being so weak…”

“No… no, Jaheira, no… I don’t feel any of this… trust me, I don’t regret a single moment spent with you,” I whisper in her ear frantically, “I will never leave you, Jaheira, do you hear that? Never…”

“I… thank you,” there is a small hint of relief in her voice, “I… I will try to pull myself together so that we can continue to fulfill our obligation to Imoen… every hour slept away adds up to the guilt I feel already…”

“I wish I could ease your thoughts, dear… but since I knew you all too well, I know that simply saying that you should not feel guilty would not change anything… for now, just let me hold you and try to get some rest…” I adjust my embrace on her so that she is more comfortable and after a short while she falls asleep… first time I did not have to sip the sedatives in her drink…

I have trouble sleeping myself… there are at least two things that I have not told her and they will make her even more upset. The first is that we don’t have the money to pay Bayle. The second is potentially more dangerous…

Since we made our way back to the Mithrest Inn, I am unable to shake off the feeling of being watched. I have noticed a shifty halfling that is hanging around the bar, but he does not belong to the usual public. And I ran into him in the corridor upstairs, yet he hasn’t rented a room here. This morning I saw him talking outside with a tall blonde human woman, dressed in a plate mail. I suspect that they might be… Harpers.

There are plenty of things to worry about, but somehow the thought that Jaheira will be alongside me in these times is somewhat comforting and pacifying as I slowly sink in an uneasy sleep.