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Rush Of Blood To The Head, part 1.7.


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#1 Guest_Theodur_*

Posted 24 June 2003 - 11:38 AM

Rush Of Blood To The Head, part 1.7.

Fear. Uncertainty. Despair. Those are the feelings I experience standing in the hallway, my hand resting on the door-handle. I am desperately trying to get a grip on myself, but nothing seems to be working – my hands are still trembling and my heart wants to jump out of my mouth…

Be a man, Theodur… you have to tell her… you promised that to yourself… and to Imoen… a part of me screams.

NO! I cannot speak these words… All will be lost then… she cannot possibly forgive me… the other part of me resists…

What’s that? Someone is coming up the stairs! They should not see me like standing here like that… without thinking I quickly slide into the room and lean against the door, breathing heavily… suddenly I realize that I am in HER room… my eyes stroll around the room… and then our eyes meet…

Her stare is so cold and indifferent, and it does not last long as she turns around in the bed and stares at the wall. Not a good sign… I stand still at the door, uncertain as to what to do. But I have to do something, because this overwhelming silence is so depressing, I can hear my heart, beating so loudly and echoing in my head…

I slowly take a couple of steps towards the bed and gather all my courage once more… “Please, Jaheira… just… just listen to me…” I try to sound convincing, but my voice is trembling heavily “d-don’t speak, just listen to what I have to say.”

I see her shifting slightly in the bed; I take that as an encouragement – at least I have her attention…

“Jaheira, I know that I… I have caused you so much pain… My actions are inexcusable… I could go on telling how sorry I am or how much I hate myself for doing this to you… But I am not asking you for forgiveness… I have no right to…”

“All I want to tell you is why… why I have acted like I did… and I believe you know it… I want to tell you those words, words you never allowed me to pronounce. Jaheira, I… I love you… I love you so madly, so desperately…”, I sink on my knees beside her bed, but hesitate to touch her arm…

“My life has been such mess these few days… I need you more than ever, I don’t think I can go on without you… you are… you are my strength… your love spurred me on, but now… I am empty and broken… Your love was like a… like a fountain I could drink from… but now it has run dry and I’m… dying from thirst…”

“But what is even more important, Jaheira… I think that you need me as well…” I see a slight tremble running over her shoulders… “I don’t want you to face it alone… this battle you cannot win alone… let me help you through it, please… the thought of losing you is unbearable.”

Silence.

“Please, Jaheira, say something!” I cannot stand it any longer…

She slowly turns towards me; I can swear that her eyes are moist, but she says in a dry, blank voice, “Leave me alone… please.”

“Jaheira, I…” I stammer as she turns away again, giving a clear message for me to leave…

 

Well, considering the circumstances, it went very well, didn’t it Theodur, my boy? At least you’re alive, I ponder while sitting in the windowsill, my chin resting on my knees. Correction – I’m worse than dead, right now…

I retrieve the small dagger from my belongings and start playing with the sharp blade… I take the blade in my hand and squeeze it, allowing it to cut in my flesh, as streams of blood leak on the floor. The physical pain cannot overwhelm the emotional… one small cut and it all will be over… my stupid heritage, damned destiny that I have no desire to fulfil – it will all be over… peace, only peace afterwards…

“NO!” I scream and allow the dagger to drop on the floor… No, I cannot… I must NOT give up yet… there might be hope yet… I know that she has feelings for me… I just know it… I must wait, I must… I must convince her… I…

I snap out of this daze as my hand is bleeding heavily and I have to take care of it, unless I want to bleed to death. From the loss of blood and the emotional exhaustion I feel very tired - too tired to stay awake as I fall heavily into my bed…

 

“Wake up! Wake up, love!” I hear a familiar voice ringing in my ears, as I slowly begin to grasp what is happening. I must have fallen asleep and have been dreaming, I conclude as I slowly raise my heavy eyelids and see… I see her smiling face above mine… her blue-greyish eyes sparkling, her golden-brown hair undone and falling on my face, tickling my nose…

“Jaheira, what…” I cannot speak – her beauty mesmerizes me…

“Shhh!” she presses a finger against my lips “don’t speak… words… they mean nothing…” as she leans closer to me and starts kissing me… first on my forehead, then moving downwards, kissing my nose and cheeks… I reach out, trying to meet her lips with mine, but she eludes me and leans backward…

I notice that her nightgown is not doing a very good job of hiding some parts of her body… Even more so, when she takes it off with one smooth motion of her hand, allowing me to gaze upon her firm, round breasts… Again, she leans towards me and kisses my neck, I feel her flesh against mine… she pushes my hands aside, when I try to grab her and pull even closer…

“Say it,” I hear her whisper quietly, between the kisses “I want you to say it…”

“Say, wh…” I realize what she means “I… mmmhhh… I love you, Jaheira,” I gasp.

“Yes, I know,” she smiles and leans backwards once more. I look at her, unable to move, as I see her lifting her hand, in a flash of moonlight I spot something shiny in her hand... In one swift motion her hand falls down and then I see nothing more, as the cold steel of her dagger pierces my heart…

 

I’m falling. Falling. Falling… and suddenly I hit the ground… this time I don’t wake up with a scream, but open my eyes slowly and carefully. I pinch myself to reassure that this is not another dream. My forehead and spine are still covered with cold sweat… her image was so vivid, so incredibly real, I think as I roll over to the other side of my bed and bump onto something…

There is something, lying in my bed… something big, soft and… warm…

“You are awake, as I see,” she breaks the silence, “it is good that some of us still can sleep…” her words, all though slightly reproachful, are spoken in warm, tender voice, lacking it’s customary edginess.

I shoot an uneasy stare to where my dagger had fallen, and I calm down substantially as I see that it’s still there… the images from the dream are still in my mind…

“I have done a little thinking,” she lowers her voice “you… your words… your actions in these last days have helped me decide… and… I cannot allow you to take the whole blame on yourself… I am as guilty as you, I should have known better… that it would be…”

“Jaheira, I don’t think…” we both avoid speaking out the truth, the truth that I’m sure she knows deep inside…

“There is more,” she interrupts me “something that you do not know… what happened in that… dungeon… I was…” suddenly tears flow down her cheeks and I drag myself closer to her and try to calm her down by caressing her cheek.

“They say… they say, it’s better to share your pain,” I whisper.

“I know what he did to you… I saw how he messed with your head… those experiments…” these memories make me shudder.

“And while he was busy with you and Imoen, his lackeys… those filthy dogs… they messed with… Theodur, they raped me… and not once or twice…”

A flash of anger makes everything before my eyes fade black as I reach out and hold her close… my embrace so strong from the rage that I hear her ribs cracking and a quiet moan escapes her lips.

“I… I… need you to,” she whispers between her sobs “I need you to… purify me…”

“Jaheira… I’m hardly the person that can… purify anyone…”

“…still, you are the only one that I have… just hold me tonight…” she bursts into tears once again as I hold her through the whole of the night... two warm hearts beating against each other, in spite of the cruel and cold world around them…

 

And redemption will pour and crashes to the floor
And a million cold thoughts won’t stop you feeling warm
Because the luck that you bring
Conquers all these things


The lyrics from song “Satellites” by Embrace




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