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Intermission: When Hamsters Attack!

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#1 Guest_Userunfriendly_*

Posted 01 June 2003 - 04:33 PM

A little drizzit bashing and elminster bashing in this, but let's face it, the main star of this piece is of course

THE MIGHTY BOO!!! (clap! clap! clap! clap! clap! clap! clap! clap!...My mommy says all elves have the clap!)


(When Hamsters Attack...the special extended director's cut)

Elminster shows up as the party is relaxing pool side in a luxurious vacation resort in Tethyr, probably to demand the party perform one of his moronic and inane quests. The party has absolutely had enough of them.

"My child, the well being of every person of good intent in Toril rests in your hands..." said Elminster.

"Ok, you utter munchkin, lets see how you really deal with being a munchkin..." said Hellocthul with a completely infuriated and disgusted face.


Hello Cthulhu waved her paws around, and said "Anti-Munchkin Transmogrifier!"


"EEEEKKKK!!! What the frick have you done!!! I am 3 inches high!!!" screamed Elminster in a tiny shrieking voice.

"Go for the pointy hat, Boo!!! Go for the pointy hat!!!" said Minsc, urging trusty Boo to attack the annoying git on a level playing field.

Boo leaps from Minsc's shoulders, executes a triple spin with a tuck at the end, and lands on the table. His paws move in mystical Hamtaro gestures, and with a flash of bright light, Boo is wearing a tiny gold colored Gi (martial arts uniform) with a black belt cinched around his chubby, but adorable waist. Every one also notices he is glowing softly.

"Minsc!!! Those gestures, that uniform...could it be that Boo is...." said Nalia (in a breathless voice).

"Yes! Only Minsc has known this, but Boo is not only a minature giant space hamster, he is also a
Minsc is so proud of Boo!!!" quoth the ranger.

Boo scampers over to minsc's 5 layer concoction, each layer a different color, yanks out the cute little umbrella, closes it with his clever little hamster fingers, the lack of an opposable thumb being somewhat of a handicap. he then raises the umbrella, and starts whacking elmo with it!!!

"Squeek, eek!!! Hiya---eeekk!!" shouted Boo.

"$%^&$#@@!!!!!" swore Elminster.

Elmo is chased by an outraged umbrella wielding adolescent radioactive kung-fu hamster, who finally catches up with Elmo, and finally in a flurry of paw strikes, umbrella bashes and tiny little hamster flying kicks, knocks Elminster's hat off his head. Out of the hat comes 2000 years of dandruff!!! Over a hundred pounds of dandruff come out of that tiny hat, (it must have been a hat of holding) and soon the party's poolside table is covered with mounds and mounds of white flakey stuff...

Elminster sees his chance, and runs with tiny feet to the salad plate Imoen had ordered. He grabs two carrot sticks, bites the middles, and attaches them to his feet to make skis. Boo quickly follows, and while Elminster is sking away, he does the same to two sticks of celery, and quickly chase after him in his own pair of skis...

Fortunately for Boo, while Elminster may have a +6 in dancing, his munchkiness does not cover sking...so he tripped on the bunny slopes, right next to Korgan's plate, still holding the remains of his steak and kidneys pie, and tumbles to a halt. Boo catches up, executes a perfect stop, and advances with rodent fury in his little beady eyes.

"NO! NO! NO!" screamed Elminster, shrieking like a little girl.

Boo pops open the little paper and toothpick umbrella (which made dandy ski poles while chasing Elminster) and twirls it into Elminster's beard....Boo spins the umbrella with blurring speed, and yanks his beard off!!!

"MY NOSEHAIRS!!! That hurts!!! Waaaaa....." wailed Elminster as he clutched his nose. Apparently, his entire beard was made of nose hairs that have been ungroomed for a milenium.

Finally the party discovers why Elminster has such a disgusting beard...he completely lacks a chin!!! (His beard made of tremendously long nostril floss was their to cover up his chinless state.) Immy makes gagging sounds...

"Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!!!" said the party in a chorus.

Jan had taken out his handy dandy turnip camera, and filmed the whole episode. The next day, the crystal ball network, ABC...(Amnish Broadcasting Corporation) shows a special..."When Hamsters Attack!"

Steve Irwin does the special commentary, and its rated the most watched show of the year...

"Crikey, mate, those little umbrellas have quite a whollop to them...and lets not forget those gigantic and quite evil hamster teeth..they must be 3 whole millimeters long!!! OOOOhhh!!! Ouchie!! Pulling out those nose hairs must smart!!!" said Steve in admiration.

"How dare they bash the other Mary Sue character in the series!!!
I have a good mind to strip them all naked, make them wear frilly, lacey pink underwear, and give them a good sound spanking!!!" shouted Drizzt in outrage.

"EEEWWWW....keep your disgusting lewd thoughts to yourself, matey!!!" said Steve with a grimace.

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