Hello Cthulhu #19

"Oh crap. Ok, folks, we now know what Firkraag is. Ok, here is what we're going to do. Haer, Jan, Yoshimo, and Nally, hon, you all stay with Lanora. Minsc, Keldy, Jae, Vic, and I will go lizard hunting. Don't worry, Lanora. We can take him." Everyone nodded. Lanora just looked more frightened.

"Ok, here is the plan. We need to expend all the defensive spells the mages and clerics have got, most importantly any fire protection spells we have ready, for the assault team. By using fewer members in the assault, instead of spreading out the protection through out the party, we can get the assault team much more heavily protected. I want the group staying behind to watch over Lanora, in case Firkraag sends someone after her. Nally, you're in charge of the stay behind group..." Hellocthul said.

"Hon, I don't think I should stay here with Lanora. I am now the second most powerful mage in this group, and I should be with you. I still have a lot of combat offensive spells, and you're going to need me." Nalia interrupted in a quiet voice.

"You're right. You are the second most powerful magic user in the group now, and even though I want you safe, it makes more sense for you to come with the assault team. Just stay far behind, ok?" Hellocthul didn't like this, not one bit. All her instincts said to keep her Nalia safe and from harm. But as party leader she had to make decisions based on making the correct tactical decisions, and taking Nalia with her was the correct choice.

"My dear, darling raven, may I come too? You're going into battle with a dragon, and you need a bard to witness this Climatic and Cataclysmic Struggle first hand to make a tale for the ages. And I am the only bard in the party, and it would be a privilege for my humble pen to create this Grand Epic." Haer Dalis' asked.

"No, Haer, that would not be a good idea. You don't have enough magic to protect yourself with, or enough offensive spells to help with blasting through Firkraag's defenses. Lanora, what kind of lair is he in? Is it a big space, or smaller, cramped quarters? Here, take this paper and some charcoal. Any information about the battle ground will be most helpful." Hellocthul passes Lanora a spare scroll, and some charcoal. Haer Dalis' concealed his grimace of disappointment, then suddenly smiled. He turned away his face lest Hellocthul see his smile. "I will be damned if I miss this battle, this Saga and Song in the making!" he thought to himself.

"Ok, equipment. Kedorn, have you ever fought a dragon before? No? Oh crap. I was hoping you have some practical experience with something like this, I'm going to have to rely on experience taking on large wyverns, then. I did read Wyvern Hunter's 'Dragon Slaying for Dummies', so I think I know most of what to expect. We need to protect the assault force with as much fire protection as we can. Minsc will distract the beast with his longbow. Keldy, Jae, and I will attack from different directions, so it will be forced to divide its attacks. Nally will concentrate on ranged spells, start with protection removal, and follow up with volleys of magic missiles, mixed in with heavier stuff, like lightning bolts. Vic will be with Nally, the rod of resurrection can heal anyone within sight range, and also provide summons to further distract it. Jan, give Keldy Dragonslayer, and Vic, give Keldy the Dragon helm and shield. Here, honey, take the ring of fire protection. ( With her salamander robes, her family ring, and the ring of fire protection Nalia would be completely invulnerable to fire. Hellocthul felt her neck relax. ) Keldorn, you are trained well in sword and shield style of fighting, right? Good! The trick will be to split its attention and get in that decisive strike. Its vulnerable points will be belly, and of course the head. Its armor is tough, so it is unlikely we can penetrate its main armor. The belly armor is weaker, so that is where Nally and I will target our direct damage spells, like lightning bolt and cones of cold. This is going to be tough, guys, and we're going to have to go in cold and fast."

"Psst...honey, I've seen the Wyvern Hunter's show on the crystal ball. He's...he's kinda stupid...can we trust that idiot's book when he regularly gets bitten by goblins, kicked by umber hulks and trampled by yuan-ti?" Nalia whispered.

"Its ok, I actually know a bit about that 'idiot'. You see, he only became an idiot after the ratings for his show took a dive. He's actually quite competent, he just pretends to be an idiot so his audience laughs at his antics. His books are quite intelligent, and I've read other books that confirm his guidelines and tactics." Hellocthul said. Nalia looked relieved.

Lanora finished drawing a map of the Dragon's Lair, and she pointed out the relevent features to Hellocthul. Hellocthul looked at the map in dismay.

"Oh double crap. Looks like the Lair is huge! That means it can move around freely. It means our plan of diving its attacks is going to be a lot less effective than I hoped. If it was in a smaller cavern, the confining space would hinder it from turning or moving quickly. Keldorn, it looks like its going to be up to you...Do you know how to use this?" Hellocthul hands over to Keldorn the Dragon Bane Halberd they recovered from the lair of the Unseeing Eye.

"Yes, my lady, I do. I have seen one before, my instructor in the martial arts had one, a relic from the last great confrontation the Order had with a dragon, over 40 years ago. It no longer worked right, the mechanism had broken the last time it was used, but I still remember his instructions on its use. Does the mechanism work still?" Keldorn asked.

"Let's find out." Keldorn nodded. He took the Halbard, hefted it, then clicked a small switch mounted on the haft, and then threw it at a wall. The enchanted blade allowed it to sink in a full handspan into the wooden wall. The halberd made a small whirring noise, and about 5 seconds after it hit the wall, edged tines and swords popped out the metal shaft of the halberd. It bloomed like some hideous flower of razor blades. It then reset itself, and once again looked like a normal halberd. Keldorn pulled it out of the wall, and slung it on his back.

"I wish we had some poison to coat the blades and tines with. But it does work, so if Keldorn can get in close enough for a throw, he can get it into Firkraag's mouth, and it will bloom inside his gullet. The resulting damage should at least hurt him severly enough for us to have a much better chance." Hellocthul said. She then walked over to the table on the middle of the floor, flipped it on her side, and dragged it to provide a shield for the stay behind group. They could take cover behind it, and fire their crossbows and short bows behind the table. "Ok, protections and battle spells! Let's go waste that overgrown gekko!" All the mages and clerics in the party cast all the combat protections and warrior ability enhancing spells they had. Magic filled the small room with glows and shimmering arcs of light, and Lanora felt hope in her heart, as she saw how potent the party's magical abilities were.

Hellocthul led Minsc, Jaheira, Keldorn, Nalia and Viconia down to the Dragon's Lair. She did not see the greenclad form of the bard following them at a discreet distance. Meanwhile, Yoshimo and Jan settled back behind the table-shield and prepared their crossbows and short bows.

"So, Gorion's ward finally makes her appearance? Hmmmm...so the mice think they can slay the cat, do they?" Firkraag was Huge. His bulk towered over 50 feet in height, and Hellocthul knew they faced an ancient dragon, immensely powerful, with highly potent magics and millenia of cruelty and cunning.

"Hand over the key to Lanora's cell, and you can avoid trouble. The mice have sharp teeth and poisoned claws in these here parts." Hellocthul replied.

"I think not. Conster, go to my captive. Slay her! Did I anger you, leader of the chittering mice who are foolish enough to bother me? You may not be aware of this, Gorion's Ward, but I have a dept I intend to collect with you. You see, a few dozen years ago, Gorion and his stinking Harper friends injured me. In a minor and pathetic fashion, but dragonkind have long memories. Gorion is dead, but I shall collect my vengence in destroying his daughter. His soul will be suffering the pain of the damned, when he meets you in the afterlife." Hellocthul's eyes went very cold when Firkraag instructed his servant to slay Lanora, but she knew she had to trust Jan, Yoshimo and Haer Dalis', not knowing that the disobedient bard was several yards behind Viconia and Nalia, his ears strained to catch every word.

"So do you intend to try to bore me to death? DIE YOU OVERGROWN GEKKO!!!" With those words Hellocthul launched her prepared spell triggers and chain contingencies, a powerful blast of breach, and ruby ray of reversal, followed by abi-dahzim's horrid wiltings.

Firkraag gave an immense scream of rage at Hellocthul's words, and unleased a torrent of magical energy that stripped most of the party of its spell protections. He followed with a huge gout of fire from his mouth that seared and injured most of the assault team. Keldorn was unable to use the Dragon Bane Halberd against Firkraag, his right arm was horribly, horribly burned. Hellocthul's magical blasts shattered against the Dragon's prepared defences, the breach spell wasting itself against Firkraag's spell shield, and the dragon's stacked spell immunity alteration and abjuration rendering the ruby ray ineffective. The abi-dahzim's shattered against Firkraag's protection from magical energy, and it stood there, enraged and in full fury, utterly unharmed by Hellocthul's spells. Nalia's magic spells bounced off the dragon's defenses, and Minsc's arrows were ineffective against Firkraag's stoneskins.

"Keldy, Jae, back to the rear! Chuuuuuuu!!!!" As Hellocthul invoked Hello Cthulhu, Jaheira dragged Keldorn back to the rear of the huge cavern, where Viconia waited with her healing spells.

"Japan Self Defense Forces! Bambi! Monty Python!" Hello Cthulhu gestured with her paws, and several trucks, with machineguns and autocannons appeared. Dozens of soldiers wearing green uniforms pointed at Firkaag, shouted "Godzilla!!!" and opened fire. One person, not wearing a military uniform, instead wearing a diving suit, ran around the soldiers, carrying a large round ball. He kept shouting, "How can I use the oxygen destroyer without water!!!"

As the flabbergasted Firkraag just stood there, ignoring the machine gun rounds and cannon fire exploding against his almost invulnerable hide, a small, brown and white spotted deer appeared. He was also in military uniform, like the soldiers, but also with a camo headband and green camo makeup on his face. He swung from his back a rocket launcher bigger than he was, and started lobbing powerful rockets at Firkraag's head, shouting "You stomped on me, Godzilla!!! Die, Die, Die!!!"

While the fire from the Japan Self Defense Forces proved ineffective against Firkraag, Bambi's rocket fire proved highly effective. The blasts from the rockets could not penetrate Firkraag's armor, but each explosion dazed Firkraag, making his head reel from the concussion effect. Meanwhile, the most powerful of the three spells Hello Cthulhu cast was working...

As soon as Hello Cthulhu said the powerful magic words, "Monty Python", a loud, rather annoying tune began to fill the cavern. It was a tune mostly of drums and trumpets, and a giant voice announced with a fanfare, "Monty Python's Flying Circus" and the music continued, evoking all sorts of silly images, of people dressed in absurd costumes, cows dropping on people's heads, and rather graphic and naughty bodily function collages. As the Japan Self Defense Forces and Bambi continued to pour in rocket fire, machine gun fire, and auto cannon fire, ( And the man in the diving suit still frantically ran around, screaming "My oxygen destroyer needs water!!! I'm suppose to be in Tokyo Bay!!!") the music drew to a close. With one final blast from a tuba, a titantic human foot dropped from the sky, and stepped on Firkraag!!!

Firkraag...squished...the human foot, over 200 feet long and weighing thousands of tons, squished Firkraag like a beetle. As the floor of the cavern splashed with dragon blood, and huge chunks of icky bits, All the soldiers cheered, Bambi cheered, and even the man in the diving suit cheered.

Keldy and Jaheira, their wounds healed, came foward with Nalia and Viconia, to look at the remains of their once mighty foe. Hello Cthulhu grabbed Nalia's hand, and Bambi's hoof, and did a dance around the squished dragon. Nalia fed Hello Cthulhu a cookie. All the soldiers, their equipment, Bambi and the gigantic foot disappeared.

"Lanora! Crap!!!" Hellocthul and the rest of the assault group ran for the entrance. They entered the room where Lanora was kept in her cell, to find Jan, Yoshimo and Lanora sitting behind the barricade, and Conster's body on the floor.

"Oh thank the gods!!! Lanora, are you all right, honey?" At Lanora's nodd, Hellocthul relaxed, and sheathed her swords. "Firkraag is dead, and where the frick is Haer Dalis'?"

"Isn't he with you? He left us just after you moved into the main cavern, saying you had changed your mind and he was to go with you." Yoshimo replied. Hellocthul began to shake with anger.

Hellocthul led everyone back into the main cave, to look at the dead dragon. Lanora gasped and shook with terror as she finally saw the dreadful beast, stomped into the floor by Hello Cthulhu's magic. The party found a sizable hoard near the back of the cavern, including a large two handed sword. Viconia claimed a large number of Firkraag's scales, putting them carefully into her pack. Nalia and Jan got a number of spell scrolls, including some very powerful ones. Hellocthul handed over to Jaheira a protection from the elements scroll, so that the next time the party was at the docks, her Aegir's Hide Armor could be upgraded. Hellocthul partially drew the two handed sword from its scabbard, and cast an identification spell on it.

"Keldorn, I think this should go to you. This is Carsomyr, and it can only be wielded by a Paladin." Hellocthul said.

Keldorn fell to his knees, his eyes filling with tears. "Holy Avenger! Carsomyr the Lost is Found! The Order will rejoice when I bear this most holy of relics back within its hallowed walls! My lady, I am unworthy!" Keldorn said.

"Nonsense, my friend, we faced the dragon together, and this sword belongs to you. Here, take it, and wield it for your god." Hellocthul put Carsomyr into Keldorn's trembling hands.

Haer Dalis' walked to the rest of the party, his eyes bright with excitement. "A most Titantic battle! A most Glorious and Valiant Victory! Truely my meager skills will be taxed to the limit to do this Song Justice!" Hellocthul looked on the bard with loathing.

"Do you know what an order means?! Haer Dalis', you risked Lanora's life when you disobeyed me, you were out of position! Jan and Yoshimo needed you with them, not risking the safety of the party to gather materials for your 'Grand and Glorious Epic'" Hellocthul spat out.

"But the song, the song of your triumph..." began Haer Dalis'.

"I don't give a rat's ass about any frikking song! You stupid, selfish, reckless bard, you risked Lanora's life, Jan's life and Yoshimo's life when you ran off deserting your post!" Hellocthul took a deep breath. "Haer Dalis', you are no longer a member of this party. We will escort you back to your friend Raelis Shai, like we promised, but after that you are on your own."

"But, but, my raven, great deeds and tales surround you! You must have a bard to chronicle them for posterity!" Haer Dalis' was frightened of losing the opportunity of a lifetime.

"I don't care about posterity. What I care about is your risking my friend's lives simply because you need material for your stinking songs. End of discussion, Haer Dalis'. Ok, people, let's get Lanora back to her dad." Hellocthul turned away from Haer Dalis', and led the party tword the exit.

The party walked in silence, no one looking at the bard walking at the end of the party. Once they reached Gerren's house, the mood of the party improved, as Lord Gerren was happy and grateful not only for the return of his daughter, but also the destruction of the enemy who stole his lands, persecuted his people, and slew those in his care. The party stayed over for a day, before preparing to ride back to Athlanka.

About a day's ride from Athlanka, the party met Prelate Wesselan leading a large mounted force of knights and squires in full battle array.

"Sir Keldorn! I received your message from Ajantis, but I see things are well in hand. What happened?" said Prelate Wesselan.

"My friend, aren't you a little too old to be leading field armies?" asked Keldorn with a low voice and a smile.

"Well, that's what the boys are saying, but my old friend, you are almost a year older than I am!" replied the Prelate with a smile.

"My lord, I have the honor to report, Lord Firkraag was actually an ancient red dragon, and Lady Hellocthul slew him by the might of her magic! We recovered from his lifeless corpse this!" Sir Keldorn raised Carsomyr high into the air. The greatsword shimmered with the aura of its own magic, and the blade reflected the noon sun brilliantly to the knights.

"Blessed be Tyr!!! The Holy Avenger is returned to the light of day!" the Prelate shouted to the Knights, his eyes filled with tears. The massed knights roared their approval.

The party continued on, the entire Order of the Radiant Heart escorting them as an honor guard. Suddenly, they saw an armored figure ahead, on foot, seemingly prancing infront of a squire, loaded down with supplies. As they rode closer, the knight was revealed to be Sir Bombast, who was pretending to ride a horse, and the squire was clapping two coconut shells together, making the sound of a horse's hooves. The squire wore an expression of utter mortification on his face.

Prelate Wesselan clapped his hand over his eyes. So did all the rest of the Knights of the Radient Heart. Sir Keldorn, his left hand clapped over his face, spoke. "Sir Bombast! What in Torm's name happened to your horse!!! And why are you prancing around the countryside, pretending you are riding a horse, while your poor miserable squire is clapping two coconut shells together!!!"

"Urm...Lord Keldorn! Urm...I can explain what happened to my horse...urm...I found at the docks this most wonderous of games. This gnome had these three cards face down on this table, you see, and he showed me one card was the Star, and he shuffled the cards around, and all I had to do was to point to the Star, and the wager would be mine! And I thought of those poor orphans the Order was taking care of in the temples, and I naturally thought I could win a large sum and donate my winnings to the temples. Somehow, though, the Star card eluded me...I ended up losing all my gold, and my horse. So when the call came for the Order to move out, naturally we left, with or without our horses. After walking the first few miles, I did not feel right simply marching without the sound of hooves, so I gave Sancho these coconut halves, and had him make hoof noises, and I could pretend I was riding." Sir Bombast looked like a little puppy, waiting for approval.

"Sancho! How many people saw this, this, inane spectacle? And what were you doing, letting Bombast do anything that stupid!" Prelate Wesselan asked in a pained voice, his hand still covering his eyes.

"Sorry, milord. I just finished my family buisness and got back in time to see Sir Bombast lose the horses. No one saw us, milord. I took Sir Bombast out through the postern gate. And thankfully, the main road has been empty until we caught up with you, milord." Sancho replied, also in a pained voice.

"Thank Tyr and Torm for small mercies. Sir Lathan, bring up two of the spare mounts for Bombast and his squire. Sancho, your stipend will be doubled from now on. You did well. Sir Bombast! I order you to never again play 3 Card Monty! I order you to never again gamble! Sir Bombast, you cannot win playing 3 Card Monty, since the dealer palms the Star card!" Prelate Wesselan said.

"Lady Hellocthul, I sincerely hope you do not judge our Order based on the actions and urm...the gross ineptitude of our most embarressing member." Prelate Wesselan said in a mortified voice.

"That's quite all right, Lord Wesselan. I have seen Sir Keldorn in action, and I prefer to judge your Order based on him. Shut Up Jan!!! (Jan was doubled up with laughter sitting on his pony, unable to even breath, he was laughing so hard.) Shall we ride on?" the side of Hellocthul's lips were twitching, and an occasional giggle escaped the control of the rest of the party.

"Why don't you, erm...get rid of Sir Bombast? He is quite the liability, isn't he? hahahahahhahhaha!" Yoshimo asked.

"Unfortunately, Sir Bombast's brother Lord Gerlain owns the lease to our Order's Headquarters. If we were to get rid of Sir Bombast, I fear we would shortly lose the lease, and a Walmart would move in. The life of a prelate is not a happy one, I fear." sighed Prelate Wesselan.

"You know, abbil, for a long time now, I have had nothing but hatred to these armored thugs. Now, for the first time in my life, I pity them. I actually pity them." Viconia gasped out between her giggles.

They continued on, the knights looking mortified, and the party trying hard not to laugh out loud.