Hello Cthulhu #18

"Ok, people, lets move!" The party prepared to move into the inner caverns of Firkraag's lair that stood before them. As they walked into the inner rooms, a hail of flame arrows met them, coming from hidden firing points built into the walls. Viconia took point, her shield of reflection reflecting the arrows back at the archers, hurting most of them. A cloudkill from Jan's and Nalia's wands took care of the rest.

The next room was full of orcs. A quick volley and rush by Hellocthul, Keldorn and Jaheira took care of them. Hellocthul stopped the party to have Nalia cast a farsight spell.

"Ok, we got about 4 golems here, 3 stone and one iron golem. Brrrr...nasty things, golems. Just about immune to magic, and can only be killed with enchanted weapons." Nalia said.

"Hon, are they just standing still or moving around?" Hellocthul asked.

"They are moving around, pacing up and down the length of the corridor." Nalia replied.

"Ok, we got golems on non-discrimination guard duty. Good, time for a little surprise. You mentioned the next room north of the golems is full of orcs, right?" Nalia nodds. "So, everyone, back up to the last room, while I use mislead to open the door between the two groups, and sting the orcs. The orcs should run out, and meet the golems. Be right back." Hellocthul shimmered out of sight, while the mislead clone appeared. Nalia grabbed the hand of the mislead clone, to prevent it from shadowing the invisible Hellocthul, and the rest of the party retreated back to the previous room.

"Lady Nalia, what is non-discrimination guard duty?" Keldorn whispered, and the rest of the party, who were not mages, pressed in close to listen.

"Well, Hellocthul knows much more about this than I do, but do you know the 3 laws of Golematics?" Keldorn shook his head. " A golem must not hurt or kill its master. A golem may not allow its master to be killed or hurt, or through inaction allow its master to be hurt or killed. A golem must obey any order of its master, except when it contradicts laws 1 and 2. Now a golem is pretty stupid, it has trouble distinguishing from friend or foe, so typically, most mages who use golems for guard duty puts the golem in a room, with instructions to kill anything that comes into the room. Only the master can enter the room, due to law 1, so it makes perfect sense. In this case, the orcs in the next room are not the masters of the golem, so the golem will attack them if it sees them. And that's what Hellocthul will do, she will open the connecting doors, and either use a spell or her swords to kill one of the orcs, they will rush out, and the golems will chew them up. And in the process take enough damage to be easily killed by us. She is so smart! And so pretty, and so cute, and so..." Nalia whispered.

"It seems most unusual that a sorceress, who simply taps into her own magic without the need to memorize spells would know so much about magic." interrupted Keldorn in a whisper.

"Well, Hellocthul spent most of her childhood in Candlekeep, the fortress of learning. Except for her weapons training, and getting into all kinds of mischief and devilment with Imoen, she has had years of study. Also, from what she tells me, because a sorceress has less spells available to cast than a mage, she has to understand magic so much better than a mage, to make less spells do more." Jaheira whispered back.

"I see, her abilities and spells are amazing indeed. Just how is a golem made, Lady Nalia?" Keldorn asked.

"Well, I've read about the process once, let me see if I remember it. The physical components are the hardest part. Mimic blood, demon heart, and wires and joints made of costly precious metals are the part that are hardest to assemble. Then the outer skin is applied, adamantium golems being the hardest to make, clay or flesh the easiest. Once that is done, and the golem infused with magical energy, this is the most dangerous stage, the creator must slip under its tongue a specially prepared scroll, with the true name of the goddess of magic written on it. The name, 'supercalifrajulisticexpialidotious" must be written correctly in high netheril, a language that is very difficult to learn. The more powerful the golem, the higher the arcane dialect that must be used. The scroll acts like the golem's brain, and binds the golem to the writer of the scroll. And if the creator is not fast enough, the golem may simply go berserk, and attack the maker. This is how most golem makers are killed." Nalia whispered.

"All clear!" the party jumped as Hellocthul's voice came from the thin air.

The party moved into the next room, and then turned to the eastern room, where they met a most unusual troll.

"You there, what you want? Me really really busy now, preparing ingredients for next Troll Mound Iron Chef's Competition. Woe is me, me low on elk urine! If Chair-Troll Kaga chooses halfling or kobold as theme, how me going to cook halfling fricasse or kobold wellington without elk urine!!! Hey, you got dryad! Me can do great things with dryad steak and roast. You put head down here on chopping block, and me win next Iron Chef for sure!!!" said the troll cook.

After disposing of the troll cook, and the group of disappointed ogre diners in the next room, the party moved north. Hellocthul casted farsight.

"Ok, we got some undead here, lets see if we can get some information on where Lanora might be kept. Jan, cast invisibility on me, and I'll try to overhear their conversation." Hellocthul said.

"Let me try. I really want to try out the Staff of the Magi, honey." Nalia pointed to the long staff slung over her shoulder with leather straps.

"Ok, hon, there are Vampires in the next room, don't let Minsc know or he will go crazy and attack them solo." said Hellocthul in a low voice to Nalia.

Nalia nodded, and slipped her Tulgan bow into the case attached to her belt. She unslung the Staff of Magi off her back, and disappeared. She carefully and quietly walked through the door Hellocthul opened for her.

"Tabitha, where is my bottle of Simply White Fangs? I got a date with a ghoul tomorrow..." "Take a look, Carol, see what I got in the Home Shopping Network on the crystal ball. New gold plated handles for my coffin! Don't they look just divine! They even got mother of pearl inlay!" "Hey, Jane, you got a mirror? I want to check my eyeliner." "Wendy, you're a vampire! You can't use a mirror!" "Oh poop. I forgot." "Hey, anyone want some pizza? The troll cook in the kitchen has a wonderful garlic and blood sausage she just put on the menu!" "Michelle, you're a vampire! You can't eat garlic!" "Oh yeah, that's right..." "Wendy and Michelle, once an airhead cheerleader, always an airhead cheerleader, even when they're undead." "OOOOO!!! Look! The Temple of Ogma is having a special on breast augmentation sorcery! Only 500 gold!" "Wendy! YOU'RE A VAMPIRE! You can't go to a temple!" "Oh, shit! That really blows. I want bigger... " Nalia shakes her head, rolls her eyes, and tip-toes back to the party.

"A bunch of really goofy and idiotic undead up east. No information. I swear, those vampire bimbos are amazingly stupid...oh crap!" Nalia realized her error, as Minsc's face turns red with rage.

"Vic! Neg Plane Protect on Minsc!" Hellocthul says as she draws her swords, and casts improved haste on herself. Viconia manages to cast negative plane protection on Minsc just before he left her spellcasting range. Hellocthul follows him, with Keldorn right behind her.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All BLOODSUCKING FIENDS MUST DIE! EVIL VAMPIRE SCUM MUST TASTE THE BLADE OF MINSC! IN BOO'S NAME I WILL CHOP OFF THEIR HEADS AND SPIT DOWN THEIR NECKS! DIE! DIE! DIE!" roared Minsc as he charged into the eastern room with Lilacor held high over his head. Lilacor is heard complaining sleepily about an interrupted dream involving 3 rapiers and a bottle of armor polish.

After the screaming and assorted crashes are over, Jaheira leads the rest of the party to the eastern room where the walls are completely splashed with vampire blood, and mummy dust. Hellocthul had Minsc in a hug, and patting his shoulders. Minsc was pale and shaking after the Berserker rage he just experienced.

"Its ok, Minsc, you did very very well. Boo is most proud of you. You have kicked evil's butt from here to Beregost, and those you have not kicked are chopped up so finely they no longer have butts to kick. Good Minsc, your little witchy is proud of you too." Hellocthul said. Viconia and Jaheira tends to Minsc's minor wounds.

"Sorry hon..." said Nalia.

"Its ok, hon. He wasn't hurt, and that's the important thing." said Hellocthul.

The party finishes its sweep of the undead area, Viconia's false dawn blasting or blinding the shades in the next room. They recover a strange key in the rubble. The party then heads east, and encounter Samia and her party.

"Well hello there, fancy meeting you here. Are you here for the treasure?" asked Samia.

Hellocthul's flat denial of their request to help them with their looting expedition triggers a violent rage within Samia. Samia's party draws their weapons, and Hellocthul keys the rune of Chain Contingency in her mind, sending a triple chain lightning bolt among them. The bolt of magically "smart" energy rips through Samia's party, paralysing or killing most of them instantly. The rest fall to Haer Dalis', Nalia, Jan, and Yoshimo's arrows and bolts, as the fighters at the front kneel down at Hellocthul's signal to let the archers fire over their heads. The party continues north.

In one of the alcoves in the rooms north, Hellocthul encounters a captive afreet, who naturally starts speaking in rhyming riddles. It attacks after finishing its speech, and Hellocthul attacks with Celestial Fury and Sanchu.

"Crap! Fricking fireshield! Oh crap..." Nalia rushes over to find Hellocthul literally charred and smoking, with big ugly burns on her arms and legs. They healed almost immediately before her eyes, as Sanchu's magic regenerated Hellocthul's body.

"WHAT HAPPENED! Are you ok? WHAT the crap happened!" Nalia asked frantically.

"Well, the afreet cast fireshield red, and when I attacked, the magic of the fireshield hit me with fire damage. Sanchu retaliated with acid damage, which caused the fireshield to hit me with fire damage, which caused Sanchu to...it was a feedback loop, hon. I just have to remember to never attack with Sanchu in my hands against fireshields. Ok, I feel fine now. Sanchu healed all my wounds. Amazing weapon, very powerful. Oh crap, my jerkin and pants are completely singed!" Hellocthul stood up, completely healed. She still smoked, as her protective garments under her robe smoldered as they protected her body from serious burns. Her robes, the Robe of Vecna, had further protected her body from injury. Fortunately, her robes were a very powerful magic artifact, so they were completely immune to flame damage. She started taking off her weapons harnesses, and Jaheira and Nalia stepped up to her, and held their cloaks wide, to hide her from the sight of the men in the party. Hellocthul strips off her robe and undresses, tossing the scorched and burned leather clothes, and slipping on new ones.

"Caw! Caw!" said Nalia as she sees Haer Dalis' crane his neck to try to peer past Nalia and Jaheira. Haer Dalis' flushes, and looks away again. His roguish grin says I can't help being male, and Hellocthul is very beautiful. Nalia's mouth quirks in a possessive, smug grin.

Hellocthul whacks the next 7 afreets with Celestial Fury, after being protected by the Protection from the Elements spell, and the she assembles all the pieces of the Mask of Strohm. She then kills the guardian, and the party is pleased by the addition of a powerful long sword, Dragon Slayer, and the Dragon Shield. Jan gets the sword, and Viconia equips the shield, packing away her shield of reflection.

"Honey, don't you think its kinda ominous that we just recovered a weapon and armor designed to fight dragons? It does make you think that Firkraag might have a dragon ally..." Nalia asked.

"Oh, come child, what kind of moron of a dragon chooses to live in a cave with dragon slaying items? And if such a dragon did live here, wouldn't it take steps to destroy or at least confiscate such items? Be sensible." Jaheira said.

The party retraces their steps to near where Samia attacked them, and using farsight, Hellocthul notes the greater wolfweres in the corridor leading further into Firkraag's lair. Jan and Nalia sprays cloudkills down the corridor, and Minsc blocks the door with a door blocker. The party kills the lone, remaining greater wolfwere, and moves on. At the bridge, Jaheira kills the clay and iron golems with her enchanted quarterstaff. The party kills the air elemental summoned by the wishing well, and Viconia straps on the Dragon helm. Nalia casts farsight to look at the rooms to the south, and the party moves on. In the room, they find a group of wounded adventurers. Jan and Nalia are the only ones to enter the room.

"My good sir, what big ears you have!" Nalia says to the wounded adventurer.

"The better to hear you, my pretty." replied the wounded adventurer.

"My good sir, what big eyes you have!" Nalia says to the wounded adventurer.

"The better to see you, my pretty." replied the wounded adventurer.

"My good sir, what big teeth you have!" Nalia says to the wounded adventurer.

"The better to EAT you, my pretty!" the wounded adventurers changed into werewolfs, and instantly Nalia and Jan fire cloudkills into the room, ran out, and Minsc, waiting and ready, bars the door with a door blocker. The sound of heavy coughing and hacking could be heard, as the werewolves succumb to the deadly chlorine gas.

"My good sir, what big lungs you have!" Nalia shouts through the door with a big grin.

"The better to huff, and puff, and blow this door in...hack, cough, gasp...urrrrggg....thud." The party opens the door, and find all the werewolves dead.

"What gave them away? Besides the really inane and moronic dialog. I mean to your farsight spell." asked Jaheira.

"Well, I saw one of them scratch his head with his toes. That certainly made me suspicious. No human is that flexible." Nalia replied.

"Ewww...definately canine mannerisms...I am just glad they didn't do something else dogs do, lass..." said Jan.

"That's...that's completely disgusting, Jan! You mean lick their...YUCK!!!" Nalia blushed furiously.

The party moved on, while Nalia and Jan made gagging noises. They moved up into the small set of natural caverns up west, and encounter some golems in a small sub-cavern to the west. Jaheira disposed of them with her enchanted quarterstaff, and Hellocthul decides to pick up the staff of Rhynn later when they get back to Athlanka. They sure have been encountering a lot of golems. They find in the smaller cavern some gems, including a bejuril, and Heartseeker.

"Minsc will sting the butt of evil from many, many yards with this wonderful bow! See, Boo, imagine evil bending over to tie evil shoelaces, and Minsc with his new bow will plant an arrow right where it smarts the most! Woe is you, Evil! Now even when Minsc is not near, your buttocks are no longer safe!" squeek, eek!!!

Finally, the party crosses the bridge, and dispose of the few ogres in the westernmost room. Hellocthul, Jaheira and Keldorn moved down the bridge connecting it to the northern room, with the archers right behind them. They burst in, to find an old familiar face.

"Tazok! I killed you in the battle underneath Baldur's Gate. What the frick are you doing here?!" said Hellocthul.

"Me got better master now, with full medical and dental coverage! Me even got good 401k plan now, with profit sharing program! Me no longer work for stinky Saravok, and stupid Enron! Die for company bonuses!!! AAARRRGGGG!!!" screamed Tazok.

The group made short work of the ogres, and they found Lanora in a small cell.

"Are you ok? Did they hurt you? Stand back, we're going to try to get you out." Lanora nodded and retreated to the back of the cell. Jan, Nalia and Yoshimo all failed to pick the lock, and Nalia's knock spell had no effect. Bashing with the Flail of the Ages failed, even when Viconia Drew on Holy Might. Finally, even Hellocthul whacking the lock with the Black Blade of Disaster failed.

"Tough Door! Damn it, Lanora sweetie, do you know who has the key?" Hellocthul asked.

"Conster has the key. He is Firkraag's mage. He and Firkraag are in the main caverns to the west. Don't go there! Firkraag will kill you!!! Please don't risk your lives for my sake. You can't defeat him! He is a red dragon!" Lanora wept.

"Oh crap. Ok, folks, we now know what Firkraag is. Ok, here is what we're going to do. Haer, Jan, Yoshimo, and Nally, hon, you all stay with Lanora. Minsc, Keldy, Jae, Vic, and I will go lizard hunting. Don't worry, Lanora. We can take him." Everyone nodded. Lanora just looked more frightened.