Wish that I could cry It may sound absurd, but don't be naive
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed, but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me
'Superman', Five For Fighting
Imoen walked along the deck of the ship, looking for Jarran. She had an idea where she would find him, somewhere on the rail dealing with his rebellious stomach. The sea had become rougher, and even the comfort of the deck chairs could not overcome the rolling of the ship. She grinned when she saw him looking out over the sea, leaning a bit farther out than most would.
“So, how's the stomach? Any better?”
She saw him wince in embarrassment. “Aw, Im, don't remind me. I was actually thinking about something else for a change.”
“Like Jaheira?”
“Among other things.”
She joined him in leaning on the railing. “I think that's the hardest thing to get used to. Funny, isn't it? Being a Bhaalspawn is easier to believe than the two of you together.”
Jarran smiled. “I don't think it's easy for any of us to accept. Even me.”
“Things are so different now… Dynaheir and Khalid dead, Minsc gone, Yoshimo… I liked him, Jarran. I didn't know him for long, but he tried to make me laugh, and he acted so concerned about us back in Athkatla. I never would have thought he was working for Irenicus.”
“It was hard for me to believe, too.”
“And these new people… they are nice, but they certainly seem an odd bunch. That ranger acts as though his face will break if he smiles, the priest talks like a romance novel, and the halfling reminds me of one of my teachers at Candlekeep. What an strange collection we are.”
“I suppose I should thank you for not including Jaheira in your list.”
“I always thought she irritated you. It was quite a shock to find the two of you were in love.”
Jarran slowly turned and stared at her for a long moment, then looked out over the sea. “I do love her very much, Imoen. Sometimes when we were camped for the night, I'd find myself watching her as she slept, and I'd realize that I was breathing in time with her, as if every single breath that I drew was dependent on her.”
He turned to face his sister with a smile on his lips, but with eyes that held the deepest sadness. “I live every day for her, knowing that every beat of my heart has no other purpose but to love her. But she doesn't love me.”
“But….”
“The man she loves is buried under Waukeen's Promenade in Athkatla. And I know that one day she will remember that, and she won't need me any longer.”
“How can you say that? I've seen the way she looks at you.”
“She sees someone who makes her forget her grief.”
“But why, Jarran? Why do you love her if you think she will leave you?”
“Imoen, if I could answer why a man falls in love with a woman I would be the best known bard on the Sword Coast. All I know is that I would do anything for her, and that includes watching her walk away. I give her what she needs and ask for nothing in return, because I won't ask for what she can't give.”
“I... I'm sorry.”
“Don't be. I've already learned to accept it. I just try to enjoy every moment that I am with her, and hope that when it comes to an end she will be happy.”
Imoen felt tears in her eyes. When had Jarran become so... lonely? For a man in love, he seemed terribly cut off from everyone. It was not just the loss of his soul, it was the loss of his hope. Strange that while she had regained her belief that things would turn out all right, he seemed convinced that he was doomed. And there was something else, something troubling. A sudden thought came to her.
“You're not waiting, are you? You aren't waiting for her to leave to... She's done something, hasn't she? She's already broken your heart,” she said fiercely.
“Imoen...”
“Don't try to fool me, Jarran, I know you too well. I've caught you looking sad and discouraged when you thought nobody noticed. But it wasn't Irenicus or the Slayer, it was Jaheira that made you that way. What did she do?”
Jarran's face started turning red. “What gives you the right to ask me something like that?”
“I'm your sister, remember?”
“Just because Bhaal…”
“No, not because of Bhaal. I've known you longer than anyone else. I was your sister long before we knew we had the same blood in our veins. Now what did she do to you? I want to know exactly why I'm punching her in the nose.”
“Don't you dare, Im.”
“I will unless you give me one good reason why I shouldn't.”
He glared at her, then growled, “All right. It's… it's not her fault, Imoen. I can't ask her to feel something she doesn't. One day I heard Jaheira and Mazzy arguing and she said… she said that she still loved Khalid.”
“Then why are you wasting time on her?”
“Don't you understand? Because she needs me. She needs me to help her forget while she heals.”
“So you'll just let her use you like that? Walk all over you and throw you away? Boy, some god you are!”
“Stop it! Don't mock what little happiness I can contrive out of this. It's bad enough that I've failed at everything else in my life, don't throw this disappointment in my face as well.”
Imoen's eyebrows rose. There was something else here, some deeper pain that he had yet to release. She gently placed a hand on his shoulder and said, “I'm sorry. But you shouldn't call yourself a failure, not after you've accomplished so much. The others have been telling me what you did while I was in Spellhold, and I think you should be proud.”
“Rubbish. Running errands, being everyone's fine little lackey… that's all I'm good for. I'm just a homeless vagabond, wandering from place to place. I can't do the things that are really important. I couldn't save Gorion, I couldn't save Khalid or Dynaheir… Minsc nearly went mad, and you… oh, Imoen, it's a miracle you can stand to be near me after all the pain that I've brought you. And Jaheira… I can't even love her properly.” He buried his face in his hands.
Imoen could feel his shoulder trembling under her hand. She wrapped her arms around him and murmured, “Jarran? What is it?”
In a strangled whisper he choked out, “I can't… ever since I heard her tell Mazzy… I felt so guilty. Sometimes I wonder if Khalid's spirit is haunting me, condemning me for using her. I haven't been able to… be a man with her.”
Finally the light dawned. Imoen said slowly, “You and she aren't lovers?”
“We were. But I can't now. Something is holding me back… guilt, pain, shame, take your pick.”
“Big brother, you have managed to seriously mess up your head, haven't you?”
“Thank you for your patient understanding,” he said dryly.
She grinned. “That's what little sisters are for. But really Jarran, I don't think things are as bad as you think. Jaheira may think that she still loves Khalid, but I've seen the look in her eyes when she watches you. Even that weird Slayer business hasn't changed that. She loves you.”
“I wish I could believe that.”
“Trust me. Someday you'll see it for yourself. Until then, you need to stop beating yourself up over things you can't change.”
“When did you become so wise?”
“Oh, I've been learning from my big brother. It's time to heal yourself, Jarran. Worry about just you for a change. The rest of us will take care of ourselves.”
He sighed and then hugged her. “By the gods, I've missed you, Im.”
