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[Laufey]

 
The Secret Diary of Petronella Pious Part 4

9th of Flamerule

More disturbing reports about the Moral Minority have come through the enemy lines. For one thing, they are extremely keen on what they call 'traditional values'. Among other things, this means that all
females should be sweet, weak, compliant and totally subservient and dependent, preferably panting with delight whenever one of the 'strong and protective men' tells her all about how heroic he is. This they tend to do a lot. Possibly this is the cause of the apparent brain-damage in the females.

The Moral Minority members also use these 'sweet and innocent' females and their need to be protected as a convenient excuse whenever they want to randomly slaughter, maim or torture some evil creatures. For example, the sad remnants of a small colony of kobolds just arrived at my Fortress of Darkness, seeking asylum. It seems that the MM members had stumbled across their warrens and decided to 'cleanse' them. This they did by blocking most of the entrances, then having their Purehearted Ranting Archmage Tacticians (P.R.A.T.) teams send poison gas spells into the tunnels. Most of the kobolds tore each other to pieces down the tunnels when they panicked, but some made it out. The MM members then took great amusement in spitting the tiny creatures on their swords, bashing them to pieces against rocks, even using some of the puppies for target practise while their screaming mothers vainly tried to protect them.

Apparently, the MM were also singing the whole while, some ridiculous battle song about the virtuous slaughter they were performing. After reading the sickening report I felt a strong urge for a bath, but there is no time for idle luxury at the moment. The MM may not know it yet, but they have made a dangerous enemy. I always did like kobold puppies, and some things simply are not done. There will be some sort of Awful Good Mastermind behind this atrocity. I will spare no effort until I see that entity groveling at my dainty little feet. The puppies will be avenged.

10th of Flamerule.

Well, I can honestly say the start of the day was unpleasant. I was awoken this morning by a loud pounding on my door, a noise made by about ten paladins in Full Plate, wearing the MM symbol (the white dove carrying an olive-branch in its beak) on their chest. They demanded to gain entrance in the name of Overwhelming Goodness to finish off the last of the Kobolds, which they had tracked to my location. (Though how these idiotic muscle-brains were able to track anything was beyond me...)

Giving no mercy, I quickly ordered LaDuck and Vecna to activate Defensive Measure #17B-32A. And before the paladins could shout out : 'Coo! Here comes our daily chastisement!', they were completely covered with boiling oil. So, now that the Kobold refugees were decently fed (with you know what *evil chuckle*), Edmund and I directed our efforts on the single survivor in our Dungeon of Horrors, where these MM paladins were suprisingly resiliant to all forms of torture, seeing it as a test for their 'godlike mortal bodies'. It was only when I threatened the piece of his girlfriend's dress, which had been tied around his shoulder that he cracked. He told me that the MM has big plans for the Realms and that all forces of evil and neutrality, AND all the forces of goodness that do not share the vision of the MM will be relentlessly harrassed with fake crystal ball calls over and over again... A diabolical scheme...

After our torture-session, I gave the paladin to the Kobolds who, ahum, took him for a walk around the block. Apparently, the paladin stumbled a couple of times, for in the end, only his gnawed bones were left.

Anyway, I have contacted Zilvra, who immediately promised to join our army, since the mere thought of having to live in a sexually repressed society was horror enough for her. She has promised to bring a small force of her elite Drow Priestesses and some Mindflayers for good measure. Ronnie has yet to respond to my request for aid, and so does the Federation for Evildoers, Antagonists and Redrummers (F.E.A.R.). In the meantime, we will watch the borders of the MM like hawks...

12th of Flamerule

Dear Zilvra arrived yesterday, with all her retinue. Indeed, our mighty Army of Unrighteous Evil is growing day by day. The mindflayers have already proven themselves useful, recovering one of the agents I sent out previously. Poor man, he happens to be one of the most skilled and cruel thieves in all of Faerun, and those mindbending MM people brainwashed him into becoming more or less a toadying waiter for them, fetching drinks and carrying bags and actually grovelling. However, my mindflayer agents managed to sneak behind enemy lines and carry him off in secret, breaking the nauseating hold on his brain. Poor Sam the Slayer wept like a baby when he realised the full extent of his humiliation. Apparently they had made him wear a bright yellow uniform, and bow and mince, and tell the MM paladins all about how pure and perfect they were. I think it was the way they had him salute whenever a paladin walked by that *really* made him crack though.

Anyway, Sam provided me with some interesting information. His indoctrination was performed by exposing him to some sort of diabolical mind-bending Crystal Ball, one that twisted and molded his subconscious into its new and 'virtuous' form. The very idea of a virtuous thief is an obscenity if you ask me. But the point is that only some of the MM members are true fanatics. Others are unwilling victims, slaves to the mindnumbing power of Awful Good. And here's an interesting thought. If those slaves were to get loose, the Moral Minority would find it very difficult to properly withstand my Army of Darkness. Yes, I must consider this some more.

Ah, it makes me truly pleased to see my henchmen rally against this terrible threat. Edmund is drilling the Storm-poopers into a perfect fighting machine, they even hit more than 50% if the time now. (He's also designed a very cute black uniform for himself, but let's not go into that right now, except to say that it has *very* tight pants.)

LaDuck has started forming an army of the undead, bringing in vampires, liches, wraiths and ghouls from graveyards everywhere. They aren't just dangerous, they also get rid of all the trash...

Vekna and Death-Dotty are experimenting with new and dangerous magic, under my command of course, and the dungeons constantly shake with explosions and terrible shrieking laughter.

As to Bill the Troll, I have ordered him to devise a way to break into the MM's main Crystal Ball. We will have those slaves free yet...

Truly, this will be a battle of epic proportions, a strike for Wickedness and Impurity everywhere, and I have already conjured myself a perfect outfit for it, a clinging black dress with a clever slit along one leg, a lusciously wicked neckline and a flowing bloodred cape with a high collar. That should shock those prissy tin-heads and their feeble little girlfriends into a stupor...and now off for a late-night visit with Edmund and his pants...

13th of Flamerule

The 13th... I am not normally a superstitious person, but the events of today have been so weird, I don't know if they're ill fortune or good fortune...

There have been several skirmishes alongside the border of my Fortress of Evil the past few hours. Mostly MM scouts trying to test my defenses. Lone paladins and clerics who are too stupid to realized they are being used as arrow-fodder. Several of them have been captured, though, and have been taken to our dungeons and are currently under the, ahum, care of Zilvra's Drow priestesses. However, since conventional torture-methods have little or no effect, Zilvra has instructed them to, well, love them into submission... continuously. Already, under the pressure of seduction and unrelenting raw sexual pleasures, several of the paladins have switched sides and have revealed some disturbing facts.

The MM's borders have been expanding, and are now encroaching on my terrain...

This is intolerable...

The MM must be stopped, tortured with feathers, exploded, gored, annihilated, assimilated, shot into space, frozen to death, fired to death, stepped on to death and generally killed, massacred and maimed... And it seems I have drawn allies from the strangest of sources.

The town millitia of my local town, together with several volunteers have knocked on my door to join our efforts. Funny thing too, since I have done nothing in the past but terrorize them and pick them off at my leisure with the deadliest of spells.

Also, a cadre of local druids joined our cause to 'uphold the balance between good and evil'. I don't know what to think of this, though, but every able-bodied person will be an asset. I've put the druids in LaDuck's undead division to see how they work out.

*sigh* I never thought I'd find myself working on the side of, errrrgggg, goodness. (Oh, that leaves a bad taste in my mouth! *pouts*) Maybe... the blood of the paladin DOES flow through my veins, like mumsy says. But, no! I'm sure the townpeople and the druids will once again be my antagonists when they will receive the gigantic BILL I will be sending them for services rendered *evil cackle* Also, all loot found will be confiscated for use in later evil plots.

Meanwhile, Death-Dottie (wearing a blonde wig and sighing a lot) has returned from her spy mission and has found an MM outpost near my Fortress of Darkness. 'Sigh Halleluja' is a medium sized keep hastily built just a few weeks ago... It is time for a first strike.

ROLL OUT THE TREBUCHETS, BOYS! IT'S KILLING TIME! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahum, excuse me... *coughs*

15th of Flamerule

The first victory is MINE! *Majorly Evil Cackle* Yesterday my army of Unrighteous Evil struck hard and fast at the 'Sigh Halleluja' keep, attacking under the cover of daylight. Yes, daylight. Though it hurt my sensibilities to strike at any time other than blackest midnight it had to be done, since that was the time when they would least expect us. Even better, all the stupid priests and paladins were standing around in a large circle, greeting the 'Dawn's Holy Light' and performing some sort of strange group hug ceremony that also seemed to involve a lot of shouting about 'Innocense', 'Righteousness' and 'Holy Slaughter'. And let's not go into what the leader of the group was doing with the large barrel of armor polish, some things are too disgusting even for me.

I knew that the invisibility spells cloaking the part of my army I had taken with me would not last long if the enemy started casting divination spells, but I never planned to let them get that opportunity. Once we had gotten within range, I gave the signal from the back of a currently invisible Snuggles who roared with unholy fury as he spat alternately fire and ice at the gathering. Have you any idea how uncomfortable platemail armor gets when it becomes redhot? Or freezing for that matter. Hm, I wonder which hurts the most. I must remember to experiment on some of the MM prisoners...

At the same time, the druid forces launched their spells. Dark clouds swirled into the enemy encampment, striking the foes with delicious lightning bolts, and millions of insects crept into their armors to sting and bite. I had partiular fun with the local MM leader, who found himself assaulted by a huge swarm of ticks and giant mosquitoes. I had no idea that it was possible to itch yourself to death. Ah well. You learn something new every day.

Finally, to crown my efforts, I had my trebuchets rain doom and destruction over the keep, literally smashing it to bits. Once the dust settled I was pleased to see that I had totally obliterated my foes, while not suffering a single casualty on my own side. Satisfying, but unlikely. Hm. I suppose that means I must be on the side of...*bleurgh* Right for once. I hope Mum never finds out or I'll never hear the end of it. 'Oh Petronella, I just *knew* you had it in you to be a true Paladin! 50 generations will *always* tell!' I'd be the laughing stock of the entire evil community. Still, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, and right now I am a girl with a mission.

Maybe I can say I did it all for the money. Or for the infamy. Yes, that could work.

Still, I'd better go practise my Evil Cackle some more, just to make sure I don't lose my touch. And put on some new makeup. With *really* black lipstick, that should show them I haven't succumbed to goodie-toe-shoeness...

17th of Flamerule

Mwuhahahahahahaha! Our battles are going great! Our march into MM lands is steadfast and so far opposition has been more than slim. So far, the only skirmish to occur after our victory at Sigh Halleluja, was with a group of paladins and clerics. Apparently, they were intended as reinforcements for the fort, but it seems they were just wandering about... Not because we completely obliterated the fort, but simply because they were all too stupid to read a map. They just jumped into the waiting arms of LaDuck's zombies, vampires, skeletons and wraiths, so at least I can cut back on the Undeads' rations for a day or two.

Secondly, yesterday we came just in time to rescue an old friend of mine : Stinky, the polka-dotted dragon was being harrassed in his lair by some stupid MM enforcers, trying to drive him out and kill him with a giant flyswatter. Though this idea is too absurd to believe, Stinky tried to defend himself by breathing garlic-breath and telling his entire repertoire of stupid paladin jokes. Unfortunately, the enforcers were wearing nose-clogs and were too stupid to understand the jokes. Well, they weren't exactly immune to the powers of Death, Terror and Despair fired from my dainty fingers. *evil cackle*

In the meantime, Stinky has joined us and will be following us (from a reasonable distance, of course...). Yesterday, we set up camp and defensive positions near the ruin of the Kobold Warrens which were destroyed only days ago. Even though there was no sign of the P.R.A.T. devision, there have been signs of the A.S.S.H.O.L.E. infantry-troops in the area, so we have to keep on our toes. So far, the Kobolds are scrounging around for their possessions and to bury their dead. *sniff* No, it's just something in my eye... And I'll KILL you if you claim otherwise! Grrrr...

But then... the horror... the horrible event... No, no! I will not speak of it here... But, perhaps... it's for the best...

*sigh* I don't know if... if it's the result of being born from 50 generations of paladins, but yesterday... I... I gained the... the... innate ability to... to... TO SMITE EVIL! *weeps quietly*. I just hope it's some moronic god's joke instead of something in my blood, I truly do... Some god's stupid joke, I HAS to be. How can I be expected to use that spell without killing myself and destroying everyone around me? I... need to eat some suger-heavy candy now, excuse me...

18th of Flamerule

Having ingested a large amount of chocolate I now feel better, at least a little bit. I'm sure that whole Smite Evil thing is just some sort of mistake and not some dreadful expression of my cursed blood. Or...or at least I...I hope so. *munch* *gobble* More chocolate. That's better. I'm an Evil Overlady and I *will* not be the plaything of some god. And now back to the Unholy War.

Zilvra's Drow torturers have brought me some strange and unsettling news. From the captured clerics and paladins they have learnt that many of our foes worship a strange new deity, one that fuels their fury and spurs them on in their fanatical crusade. Not much is known about him except his name, which is 'D’oh'. But I don't doubt that this previously unheard of entity is the true cause of this plague. I have no doubt that it is him I must ultimately strike down in order to win the final victory.

But that is still some time into the future. In the meantime, our march into enemy territory continues, hitherto more or less unhindered. I have even gathered a large following of bards, who are busy composing very flattering songs about me. Since bards usually tend to be easy-going people rather than fanatics, they have naturally also found themselves targets of the Moral Minority, who demanded that they sing only previously approved songs. Everything slightly morally ambiguous or irreverent was forbidden of course, as was anything more erotically outspoken than the holding of hands, and possibly gentle kisses. *barf* Apparently most of the really *good* songs were considered 'corruptive influences upon innocent minds'.

Come to think of it, I wonder how those MM people manage to reproduce at all, what with their attitude. Perhaps they grow from pods? Or perhaps D’oh just sweats them out of his stinking armpit.

But I must admit I like hearing those songs currently sung about me, portraying a dark and terrible lady, cunning and beautiful, and the scourge of the MM. *pause* Hold on a moment. Scourge...scourge...that's almost a paladin word, isn't it? Ack! Chocolate! Must have more chocolate NOW!

20th of Flamerule

IT HAPPENED AGAIN! *sob*.

Let's... start with the beginning, shall we?

Yesterday, we made another march deeper into MM territory, and so far, we were all very disappointed that his 'powerful army' is showing so little resistance. Just one tiny cleric spouting slogans and two small dachshunds barking loudly were all of the 'grand and righteous force' we encountered on our march to the MM heartlands.

The cleric was easily dispatched... the dogs, after bribing them with a big ham, are now working for our side.

Before that, the major trouble was actually keeping Stinky away from the rest of the army. I'd run out of 'gasmask'-spells pretty quickly if he wasn't elected to be the scout ahead... more or less constantly. I mean, Stinky is a nice dragon, but his breath isn't for everyone.

But yesterday evening, we stumbled upon a troupe of scared girlscouts running away from a horde of paladins, trying to cast 'Smite Evil' *shudders violently* on the girls, but never understanding why it didn't work. Apparently, the girl's uniforms : Suede jacket and matching pants, were what put them on the 'Evil'-list. It seems the MM considers all non-dress wearing women and girls to be evil.

Well, we made quick work of those paladins. They are roasting on the spit right now, much to the dismay of our druid allies (who forgot to bring Tabasco-sauce), but then... it happened...

I... I GAINED the innate ability to... to... DETECT EVIL!!!! What insanity is that?! I already KNOW that everybody around me is evil, why should I even bother? (Well, aside from the druids and the bards, of course.) I just... need some more chocolate and I just hope whatever god or fluke of nature did this to me, it will all be reversable...

But if I gain the power to 'lay on hands', I'll be going home... *sniff*

21st of Flamerule

After yesterday's unsettling experience I figured that some death, destruction and mayhem would be just the thing to cheer me up. And the opportunites for that increase now, as we are approaching the White City, the glittering stronghold of the Moral Minority. It is a vast place, built all from white marble and sparkling clear glass (that I will take great pleasure in personally breaking) and my spies also tell me that it contains the Grand Temple of D'oh. Apperantly that's a perfectly smooth and white cube that's situated on top of a mountain of gold within the centre of the city. Boring, if you ask me. What kind of stupid god wants to live in something that looks like a cardboard-box? Give me a few gargoyles any day, they break up the orderly monotony. Well, at least that gold will make a welcome addition to my coffers...

Already the crystal spires of the White City can be seen in the distance, but it will be a couple of days before my army reaches it. Still, there's no danger of getting bored. Today we intercepted a large part of the MM forces, just as they were about to torch an orc settlement (with the orcs shut inside their houses still) in order to 'prevent them from ever hurting the innocent'. I rather like orcs, there's something refreshingly straightforward about them, and needless to say I wasn't about to let them get burnt to crisps.

This time the foes were made up of a large force of D'oh's elite paladins, the Trusty White Evilsmiting Righteous Paladin Squad (T.W.E.R.P.S.). They also had a group of ten devas under their command, big blue creatures with disgustingly pink wings and streaming silver locks. The paladins themselves had obligingly put on sparkling and shiny armor and white cloaks, making them easy targets.

This battle was more dangerous than our previous ones, what with the supernatural creatures involved. Still, we prevailed, as Unrighteousness and Impurity always must. Dear little Snuggles used his cold breath attack to put out the fires around the orc houses while I and Death-Dotty summoned up a few demons to tackle the devas. The devas found themselves totally paralyzed as the druid forces employed a massive Whirlwind attack to raise the silly little white tunics they were wearing high into the air. Overcome with the need to protect their modesty they dropped their flaming swords and desperately clutched their little skirts.

It's not a good idea to drop your sword when facing a horde of rampaging demons, and it wasn't long before pink feathers were flying everywhere. After the battle was done I made sure to gather the undamaged ones and dye them pitch black, and they now grace my lovely white neck in the form of a beautiful feather boa.

Meanwhile, the bards let loose a torrent of discordant notes that confused the miniscule minds of the T.W.E.R.P.S enough that many of them turned and started attacking their fellows, all the while bellowing righteous warcries. Dear Edmund's Storm-Poopers had no difficulty picking the rest off.

The orcs were very greatful to escape with their lives and have now joined my army. You can never get too many orcs, that's what I always say, and since they like eating the fallen foes they aren't a burden on my supply lines. It also keeps the druids happy since we don't litter the landscape. *sigh* I suppose that's a sacrifice I have to make in order to keep my forces working smoothly.

I have won yet another Unholy Victory, and I am pleased. And yet...something worries me. Once again I have conquered without a single casualty among my own forces, and this along with all the other signs point in a terrible direction. We may...oh how I dread to say the awful words...be on our way to become...*sob* Heroes.

The shame of it is almost unbearable, but I must be strong. Soon, very soon, we will reach the White City, and I have to be able to do my worst. And I have a strong feeling that my part in this will be crucial. My evil and mercenary forces will let the blood of the MM run freely, but I...I know now what I must do. I must face D'oh himself and put a stop to him once and for all. I am the only one strong enough to do this. I must bring him down...even...even should it cost me my own life. I will face him, not only for me, but for Evil everywhere, and most especially for darling Edmund.

Edmund has been very supportive throughout these trials, and even now is sleeping by my side as I write this (I’m wearing nothing but my new boa, in case you wondered). But I know he worries. And now I must write down the worst, the last and most shameful transformation that has come over me. He told me that as the last foes fell and I sent out a magically reinforced shout of Evil Triumph that my eyes...that my lovely dark eyes, that they...that they glowed. Blue. My eyes glowed BLUE! I just hope nobody else noticed. Everybody knows that red eyes are evil but that blue eyes are...*yuck*...good.

I'll *kill* whichever god is behind this. Chocolate...need more chocolate.

22nd of Flamerule.

Our army was taken completely by surprise last evening...

Well, not really. It happened like this : we had approached the walls of the White City, set up some Trebuchets, fired some cannonballs, shouted some slogans, you know how that goes. Then, suddenly, Vekna pulls out this large crystal ball and tuned in the reception of some kind of pay-per-view special interplanar X-over grudge-match. So, after Bill hacked into the ball (we are evil, after all, and evil never pays for stuff), druids, Drow, dragons, wizards, peasants, kobolds and stormpoopers alike watched the match with fascination. Apparently, it was a magical duel between Elminster and a stange grey-clad wizard named Gandalf. Gladly, the Grey-clad stranger won. The final score? 34068 to 1 for Gandalf, though I suspect the grey-clad mage felt sorry for Elminster and allowed him a single victory.

So engrossed were we by the match that we never noticed we were surrounded until it was to late. We were beset by the White Citadel's most staunch and final line of defence. The Agressively Staunch Seekers and Holistically Oppressive Lawful Enforcers, otherwise known as the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.-brigade. But just as the situation got dire, they... did nothing. In fact, they were waiting for US to get out our weapons for the battle to begin.

Winking to Stinky, Snuggles, Death-Dottie and Vekna, we motioned our troops to calmly grab their weapons, but... just before our troops did so, the five of us unleashed a deadly assault of spells almost immediately, destroying a great deal of the defenders at once.

Zilvra and her priestesses were having loads of fun trying out their new snake-whips on the paladins (who apparently mistook it for a new way to chastation until the poison set in), while LaDuck and his undead literally threw themselves at the stricken paladins. There were paladin limbs flying all over the place! *gleeful chuckle*

But not as much as when Stinky ripped a guard-tower from the wall and started hitting the paladins with it, as if it was a fly-swatter!

When the dust settled, I discovered that, YET AGAIN, there were no casualties on our side! I don't believe this?! What's going on?

But, lo and behold, there was a lone paladin still roaming the streets. Imagine that he turned out of be my brother Percy! He didn't speak much, nor did that overly clumsy elven cleric who was following around, but what I could discern before he wandered off sounded something like 'Me find creatures for Aribeth. They important. They cure plague.'. *sigh* He always was an idiot...

And then, errrg, there were the people of the White Citadel... the liberated people... They were, errrg, cheering! For ME! ME of all people! *snarl* YOU BASTARDS SHOULD BE GROVELLING AT MY FEET!

Someone will pay dearly for this! We are about to breach the walls of the temple of D'oh and I'm looking forward to dissect him with a blunt plastic spoon!

23rd of Flamerule

A very strange day it has been, dear Diary. I hardly know how to begin to explain it all. I suppose I shall have to start with our assault on the temple of D'oh. Snuggles easily bore me to the top, while the evil wizards and liches of my army sped on the march of the rest of the troops up the mountain of gold. So intent were we upon our mission that less than a dozen of them stayed behind to loot.

Upon reaching the temple courtyard I found the High Acolytes of D'oh standing in a large circle, holding hands and chanting slogans such as 'For the Good of All, Some must Suffer, Us Excepted', 'Purity through Purging' and 'D'oh is Dashing'. They were sending these disgusting messages into a large Crystal Ball, where they were enhanced and reflected. So strong were the undermining messages that I actually saw some of my troops falter, but not for long. Bill the Troll used his new remote transmitter, hacking himself into the Crystal Ball transmission and disturbing it, and before long the only thing showing on the screen was a big yellow and smiling face, with adorable little horns and fangs on. The High Acolytes fell quickly after that, once again without casualties on my side.

And so it was that I, Petronella Pious, strode into the Inner Sanctum of D'oh, red cloak flaring dramatically behind me as priests scurried out of my way. Normally I would have taken great pleasure in blasting them to bits with a well-aimed spell or two, but there was no time for distractions. I had a deity to fight. Well, only a demigod, but you get the picture.

The Inner Sanctum was incredibly boring, just a bare room with no furniture and bare white walls. D'oh himself floated in the air in the middle of it. Interestingly enough, he didn't have a body, just a floating glowing head as large as an elephant. It was completely bald, had a small, serene and immensely annoying smile on its face, and when it opened its eyes they radiated harmony, relaxation, and the desire to slaughter all who did not fit his ideals of perfection.

'I am the Great and Powerful D'oh!' he bellowed. 'What do you want with the God of Righteousness, Goodness and Perfection?'

'Maybe that's who *you* think you are, egg-head' I told him. 'but I say you're nothing of the sort. You're the demi-god of Stupidity, that's the only way you could breed so many fanatics. And besides, only a really stupid deity would deprive himself of the pleasures of a body. Tell me, can you even count up to ten without fingers to help you?'

'Of course I can!' he thundered. 'I'll show you, Spawn of Evil. One...two...three...er...three...er...many? No...one...two...' And then there was an enormous thunderclap, the bright light around D'oh went out like a quenched candle and he dropped to the floor with a massive and hollow booming sound. I knew at once what had happened of course. Being so stupid, the effort of trying to count had drained him of all his godly energies, and he was now a mortal, and trapped in the form of the head.

However, he was still a very real danger, and already I could feel the blank incomprehension in his eyes reaching out and trying to numb my brain. It was then that I had the idea. Obviously I had been given these...*yuck* paladinny powers for a reason. This seemed like an excellent time to use them. So I cast 'Detect Evil', hoping he would turn out to be just that, and that I could then...*barf* smite him. Immediately a large winking neon green sign popped up in the air above D'oh, but it didn't identify him as evil exactly. Or good. It just read 'Lawful Genocidal', very strange.

'Nooooo!' D'oh screamed. 'It cannot be! I am good! I am Gooooood! I am invincibleeeee!' His distress was so great that his ego couldn't handle it, and before my astonished eyes he started to shrink, until he was no larger than a small apple, and just as helpless. With my best evil cackle ever I picked him up and put him in my pocket, careful not to let him bite me. I had Plans for him.

It is now evening, and the victory celebration is in full swing, with much carousing, revelry and mayhem. Around my dainty feet the little kobolds are playing. Would you know that they learnt soccer extremely quickly, being so motivated? Of course, they're being pretty hard on the 'ball' - its shrill screams can be heard even through their adorable happy yipping.

I am ecstatically happy, but I cannot help wondering where my destiny lies. What of those nauseating good powers? Surely I cannot be doomed to suffer them eternally? I won't be a Paladin. No matter how happy it would make Mum.

29th of Flamerule.

*sigh, sigh, sigh and more sigh* The past few days have been truly horrible... truly horrible... The past few days I have been praised as the greatest militia-leader since Aribeth de Tylmarande, for Shar's sake! When my forces returned home, we were given a... *gulp* VICTORY CELEBRATION WITH WHITE FIREWORKS! ARGHHHH! People were HAPPY to see me and my troops. They CHEERED for me!

GAH!!!!! I even got a call from mumsy on the crystal ball, crying and being so very happy that 'her strayed little girl has returned to the flock'.

Let me just choke on my own misery, *sigh*

But, I'm planning to end this Cult of Personality before it gets out of hand. Already, I've sent out outrageous bills for services rendered, and I've my eyes on several villages to pillage within the next couple of weeks. A few selectives fires in town should make everyone fear me again!

I will regain my reputation as a mistress of Evil and I WILL get rid of these, *erg* paladin powers, I swear it!

The world shall know fear once more!

But first, I need more chocolate...